AIBU about finances

[Slothmonkey]

I can't decide if I'm being unreasonable here but mine and DH's relationship hasn't been great recently so I'm feeling generally a bit glum about most things.
I earn ok and take home £3k a month after tax. Our joint regular direct debits (rent, council tax, utilities and routine childcare come to just shy of £2500). I tend to pay everything as soon as I get paid and then DH puts money in the joint account later in the month.

He earns between £1600 and £1750 a month but repeatedly tells me all he can afford to contribute is £600 which is basically half the rent, nothing else towards any other bills, childcare, food etc etc. I know he pays half of the car and his credit cards but even still I assume he is left with about £800 each month.

With the money I have "left over" I buy all the food for 5x people and dog, any additional childcare needed for school holidays which is often £££, all kids clothes, all presents for kids parties, fuel etc etc. I am nearly always left completely broke and it's really getting me down.
I have repeatedly asked him to contribute more but am simply met with his response is that £600 is that "all he can afford".

Am I being unreasonable? Is his contribution in line with his earnings? Am I being unfair?

We don't have separate finances, so it doesn't sound fair to me, no. I'd be pooling all the money and then budgeting it and making sure we got equal spending money, pension contributions and savings etc.
What does he spend the rest on? Do you know the extent of the debts?

I'm in two minds about pooling finances. I would be happy to for transparency but I was also financially screwed over by an ex so a little wary.
His cards have £2k max on in total and probably less to be fair. His credit rating is pretty good but mines a bit crap

That's not fair at all.

I reckon if you separated you'd be much better off (with child maintenance and benefits) and he'd be way worse off - so your life would be easier without him.

@Farahfawsett yeh this was my thinking.

Ex DP but we used to put both wages together, take the bill and food money out. Anything needed for the kids then split the rest for spenders.
Appreciate you earn more so seems a kick in the teeth but we did always share money.

We've split now, I get benefits and CM, bills are high on my own but I'm still better off tbf.

@Sunshineclouds11 I have no problem contributing more as the higher earner but what you've said from your situation seems a much fairer way to do things.

You call that marriage?
In my days everyone i know as 50/50 even if one half earned a lot less or nothing.

£600 isn't enough for an adult to contribute. He has to step up more, sounds very selfish to keep so much for himself

You are earning 60% of the household income and paying around 60% of the household bills, I think that is fair.

If you’re unwilling to pool finances all you can do is tell DH he needs to stump up for his share of food/childcare etc.

Tbh if I think if the roles were reversed and your DH was the higher earner refusing to pool finances, posters would scream he was BU.

Rather than actually pooling your money just work out all the bills/ food/debts etc and cover them between you,leaving you an equal amount each for personal spends. It would mean you put in slightly more than him, reflecting your higher earnings but at least you wouldn't be broke while he has £800 to play with. Otherwise he'll have to justify what he does with all his money.

@Livinghappy thanks this is what I thought. You can't even rent a room for that where we are.

So he's chipping in roughly a third of his wages? Tell him you can only pay £1000 a month which is a third of yours. How is that going to work?

No, his contribution isn't enough. He doesn't get to decide he'll give you the bare minimum and you'll just pour every penny of your money in.

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe yes that could work. I've got absolutely no issue putting way more in given my higher earnings.
He smokes and tells me he no longer gambles but I suspect I'm not getting the whole truth and that's where his £800 goes.

@Hatty65 It would go down like a lead balloon I'm sure. I think that's what's been getting me down so much. Not only do I put in a lot more (fair enough) but any leftover just goes on household stuff and food etc while he keeps what I feel is quite a lot to just generally piss up the wall and waste.

How did you get into a situation where the lower earner has £800 spending money and you have none? You are married and running a joint household. Both salaries into one household account to cover all the rent, bill, childcare, car etc If there is a surplus you get half each for personal savings or spending - it sounds like in your situation you would each have £400. You would still be paying the larger share of the costs as you’d contribute £2.6k to his £1.2k but you’d be much less strapped.

Absolutely not enough.

If you want to maintain separate finances then you need to calculate your joint bills - all of them, no more you picking up the tab - and split them fairly based on your earnings. Then you'll each have any sole bills to pay and then anything else is your own.

Hes taking the piss!!

@Patchworksack in all honesty because I've just let it slide and slide. Costs have gone up for everything and he seems to think that his contribution is fine. Your suggestion is entirely sensible. I very much doubt he would agree to contribute a penny more. What he doesn't realise is single life would cost him much more than £600 a month!

OP I would ask to see his finances.

I had a similar situation with my DH and it turned out that not only was he frittering away his money on unnecessary spending, he was also gambling way more than I thought (I believed it was low-level £10 the odd time), to the point where his debt was actually a lot more than I knew about.
I was left picking up the extra costs of the things our household needed.
It sounds like this could be the case with your DH if he doesn’t have enough money to contribute to the household.

I wouldn’t pool your finances if he’s reckless with money, but you do need to do a fair split of costs (proportional to salary)

The fact that he isn't concerned about your monthly poverty or credit rating tells you everything. He has no respect for you, is incredibly selfish to keep most of his salary for himself and certainly isn't a good parent for not contributing properly to his children's livelihoods. Add in the smoking and gambling - he is one very unpleasant cocklodger who could put you at financial risk.

If I were you I'd list everything out, every car payment, food bill, clothes , kids clubs etc as well as bills. Include in separate column who pays for what and what out of joint.
Then sit down with him and work out what you are both going to contribute leaving the same surplus each (maybe taking out family savings first, but that's just me)
Stop paying for family stuff out of your account , even if you put more in joint , what's left is yours
£400 per month each is more than adequate I'd say

You pool the money, pay out for what’s needed and split what’s left 50/50. Some months that’ll be more than others eg when additional childcare doesn’t need to be paid etc

We do this and we don’t question what the other is spending their ‘personal’ money on although it’s pretty obvious if you live with someone, DH goes to football every other week so I know he buys tickets for the game and has a couple of pints beforehand, he also has books/magazine and clothes delivered to the house so it’s obvious! I’m not concerned either way if he wanted to blow his money on whatever he wanted!

I’m sorry but a decent Husband and Father doesn’t get to spend money on himself first and then leave his wife to pay for the children and his home, it’s not ok!!

People saying pool all money have obviously never been financially stung by an ex partner. Work out all the household bills and each pay a percentage based on earnings . The leftover money is for personal bills and spending money

We do it so we have the same amount leftover after all the joint expenses then our own stuff comes out of that, it feels a fair way to do it.

You've not read the post properly. The OP is paying 60% of the bills and all the days to day living costs like food and childcare. They have no personal money while their partner has £1000.