Been with new b/f for 2 years. He’s divorced, like me, with DC of his own (his are grown up, mine are almost teenagers.) we have a great relationship and for the most part I am happy except the fact that….
…. he has an old dog who is 13 years old; and since we have been together it has suffered one health crisis after another. Every 3-4 months the dog has a medical emergency. It is one of these giant breeds that should not have lived this long but is alive due to expensive medical interventions, operations and a crazily pampered life. Last year there was an incident where it had a breed specific health crisis which required an expensive emergency operation and a month/long stay and rehabilitation in a veterinary care facility. At that time, b/f and I were less advanced in our relationship but I still found his reaction quite hard to deal with. BF was crying 24/7 for about a month long period. Both publicly and privately. We would go out for dinner with tears running down his face. It became completely normal that BF would be 24/7 crying about the dog. He took time off work. He could not have a normal conversation without bringing it back to the dog, he wouldn’t leave the dog - all dates and any interaction with b/f had to be at his house with the dog there. Even during the dog’s recovery period and when I found canine friendly holidays and activities, BF would still not come and not bring the dog as he didn’t want to stress him.
there was a brief period of respite even though there were still several rumblings inbetween where we were not sure what was wrong with the dog or he had diagnostic tests etc which came back normal and we were relieved (it was a big topic of conversation) but in the last week, it has been discovered that the dog has cancer. BF texted me last night telling me the news, saying he is not okay, he’s devastated, but he doesn’t want to speak, he doesn’t want me to call him, he cannot and will not interact because he will break down. This was followed by a series of following text messages saying he “regrets every single moment” he spent away from the dog “in the last two years” that the dog is his whole world and he cannot see his life moving forward without the dog in it.
I am being really sympathetic, as I was last time and as I will continue to be because it’s not a sin to love a dog that much and I appreciate that and a lot of that care is also extended out to things that I care about too in those periods where the dog is not the centre of attention. But I find it hurtful and really hard to get my head around some of the things he says to me when the dog has a crisis. And it’s happened twice now. The first thing he does is text me to tell me what’s happened to the dog, then he follows it by telling me that he doesn’t want to speak to me and he wants to be entirely left alone because his life has ended
this is hard enough as of course I reply and want to reply and say I am there for him, and it’s usually followed by absolute silence or “thank you,” and nothing else. Nothing about my day or my life when I actually also have stuff going on . This is hard because he and I are close and we speak a few times a day normally, so to be completely cut off when stuff like this happens is very hard to deal with. Last night when I was asleep and had not replied and left him alone as he wanted, I got a series of texts while I was sleeping telling me he was at home with the dog, sleeping on the floor next to him and that he regretted every moment in the last two years he had spent away from the dog. I know it probably wasn’t thought through, but it felt really pointed. Like he was going over things in his mind, he and I are the only big thing that has happened in the last two years, and he had decided to see me as a distraction from the dog or an inconvenience in him and the dog’s relationship. I replied again and said again how sorry I was and how I was thinking of him. He said “thank you” again and nothing more.
i haven’t heard from him all day - i had a big event today which he knew about but everything just seems to pale in comparison. I have also been ill myself, which he has been checking in on but completely stopped since the dog cancer news.
I suppose I just wonder what you think. There are worse things for men to be into than deeply loving their dogs but do you think it’s just too much?