Thought I was a lesbian but now interested in a man and unsure of what to do

[Snuffey]

I'm in my early 30s but I feel like a teenager writing this. I have spent my entire life only being attracted to women and I had assumed I’m a lesbian. I had my first girlfriend when I was 15 and I have only been attracted to women since then. I was engaged to my ex until just over a year ago, then she broke up with me. But now I think I have a crush on a man. I’m not prone to introspection and I don’t feel that being a lesbian is a fundamental aspect of my identity, so I’m not really having much of an identity crisis now. I’m most confused about what to do next.

I moved abroad at the beginning of 2023 and I now live in a country where I don't speak the language very well. I have some foreign, English-speaking friends here and I befriended a local man who speaks some English. I work online and he owns a small cafe where I sometimes work when I need a change of scenery. Through him, I met quite a few locals and we go snowboarding most weekends. We also skateboard and / or work out in the evenings during the week. He's been to BBQs at my house with my friends and I've been to his place with his friends too. We get on pretty well but there is no language we're both fluent in so we occasionally have to google translate things when the conversation gets beyond our language skills. We're both in our early 30s. I have been single for just over a year and have no dc. He has been divorced for 5 years and has an 8 year old dc who I have met on snowboarding weekends a couple of times. His ex moved to another city during covid which means he's had a lot less contact with his dc than he used to have, so he has been trying to sell the cafe and move to his dc's new city for a while. He's finally found a buyer and he's probably going to have finished the sale of his cafe and house in time to move in February.

I think I've had a crush on him for about 3+ months, but I didn't really realise it until probably 2 months ago. I've never had feelings for a man before, but I'm really attracted to him. I’ve had sex dreams about him, I even have that teenage feeling where I’m all shy and embarrassed when we hug. In a way, this seems like the perfect timing to tell him, because if he is interested in me, and we try to date and then I realise I’m not that into men after all, or if he’s just totally not interested in me, then he’s leaving soon anyway!

He has always been extremely respectful of me and aware of my sexuality and wanting to make sure I’m comfortable, which is not universal in his culture. For example, the first time I went to his house, everyone who was leaving by public transport had to suddenly leave because we lost track of time. That left only me and 1 other guest there and he asked the other guest to stay until I’d finished my drink because he didn’t know if I would feel comfortable being on my own in his house with him. The thing is, he thinks I'm "one of the guys". We've even talked about women and my unsuccessful attempts at finding other lesbians in our small town. He would be very surprised to hear I was interested in him and I doubt he has ever even considered me in that way. I could imagien a situation where I tell him how I feel and he would assume I had made a language mistake or he had misunderstood. I would probably have to google translate it to reassure him I knew what I’d said! I also have no idea how to flirt with men and I don't speak the language well enough to express myself with grace or even an air of general competence. Should I tell him? How should I go about doing it? I suppose I could write him a message on Whatsapp, but it feels like a big thing to Whatsapp someone!

I wouldn't treat it any differently to having a crush on a woman. My DD is gay except for one crush on a male friend which I think is inextricably linked to loving him as a person and it sort of transcends his biology. She has zero interest in pursuing it because she doesn't want a relationship at all, but after some initial surprise and discombobulation, she accepted that it is simply what it is. She calls it her Aberration!

I'd go for utter honesty and to the point.

Rather pragmatically I would suggest familiarising yourself with effective contraception methods - as I knew at least one lesbian who ended up having a miscarriage after sleeping with a (male obvs) friend.

As to the subtleties of romance, god only knows. Give him a kiss one evening and see how it goes? If you're both civil and considerate, then you should be able to back off if things aren't working and any awkwardness will die off with time. But if it works, happy days.

Thanks for the perspective. It's nice to know I'm not the only one!

@Paperbagsaremine I had pretty much assumed that condoms are the norm in a new straight relationship (assuming anything ever even happens!) unless you've agreed otherwise. Is that not the case? I'm not taking any kind of hormonal contraceptives and I never have but even if I was, I think I'd still want to use condoms, at least to start with. I thought straight people would typically have a conversation about when they last had an STI test and what non-barrier contraceptives to use after a few months of being together using condoms. It has just occurred to me that I don't know why I think that though!

People not used to having to use contraception can - not you though, from your response;) - kind of "forget" when it is necessary.
See also, STI outbreaks among retirement communities (!)

I'm a bi man so coming this from the opposite end of the scale, but in terms of how to flirt with a man, I'd say it's pretty much exactly the same as flirting with a woman.

You may have to be a little more obvious, because men tend to be a bit more emotionally oblivious, and given that he thinks you're completely uninterested in his entire sex, I'd say skip the flirting and just have an honest chat with him.

Also, don't just assume about the contraception. Not all straight men are all that good about using contraception, so if you do get to the stage of sex with him, bring your own.

OP, it seems to me that you are over considering what “label” to give yourself rather than responding to your own emotions/feelings.

l have been in a sort of reverse situation.

l am a woman in my 40s who discovered my bi side in my 30s. Previously, l considered myself to be straight, but after my renaissance, it started with a video and a pizza when working away from home and took me quite by surprise, l’ve never looked back. But looking back to my teenage years it explained a lot. These days l am attracted to both sexes and merely regard myself as “sexual”, no pre-fix required.

Some disagree, but l tend to see sexuality as a fluid thing.

Telling him is really not complex, body language alone should be enough. To reiterate what has been said up thread though, don’t assume he will have condoms, especially if you take him by surprise. Smart women carry condoms.

Have a lovely time, and give less thought as to what you are. Your hormones can take the lead. x

If you don't tell him it might eat at you for a long time. But what if you do tell him and he responds well? He's moving, so that would be difficult. And as far as sexuality goes, I think most people have a pretty set idea on who we're "supposed" to be attracted to because everything has to be put in a box right? But what if that box doesn't actually exist and we're all just people and all capable of being attracted to anyone? You should flirt the way you flirt, and not base it on the other person. That's how you know you're compatible at first, if they respond positively to your flirting or not. In the end you can tell him and he'll either be flattered and unavailable to you, or he's also attracted to you. Either way it's a positive. If he doesn't then he wasn't such a great person after all. His culture could play a part in this too- there's usually a box there. So just be yourself and see where it goes. No matter what it's something interesting and unexpected for you both!

Why not WhatsApp him and ask him if he wants to go see a film with you, just the two of you? A beer afterwards.

It’s a difficult one because the only right advice is dependent on knowing how he feels about you.
If he fancies you too, then we’d all be saying go for it but if you trust your instincts that he sees you as one of the guys then don’t say anything and just enjoy your last couple of months friendship before he moves away.

What a lot of drama you're creating for yourself. You find someone attractive, and they're moving away soon. If you want to start something, say so. If not, don't.

There is no 'should you tell him?' That's like me asking on a forum whether I should eat this meal or watch this film. It's your preference, not a 'should'.

It’s a difficult one because the only right advice is dependent on knowing how he feels about you

No it isn't. It's about comparing how each outcome would affect you, OP. If you'd just feel a bit sad about rejection, but success would make you blissfully happy, then go for it. If rejection would kill you, then step away.

We were chatting on Whatsapp yesterday. He spent the weekend in the town he will be moving to. I messaged him telling him that getting to know him had made me think I might be bisexual and that I'd like to talk to him about it face-to-face. He responsed about 5 minutes later saying that of course he would be happy to meet up when he comes back to our town. We continued chatting normally and he came back to our town yesterday evening. He still hasn't messaged me today or suggested a time to meet. This isn't an eventuality I had planned for!

Just had to say your daughter sounds hilarious!