How do some people move on so quickly?

[MaxwellCat]

This is not a judgmental post at all and I know people will say the relationship was over for a long time etc but how do some people manage to move on so quickly? I’m talking an 18m relationship and dating someone else within 3 weeks of the split? The relationship couldn’t have been over for that long as it was only 18m. I’ve been single for 6 years and there are complications as I have my children with me full time but even without that I just don’t feel ready to date again 6 years later, is there something wrong with me? I could arrange child care if I really wanted to but I would rather not as I don’t want to date that bad but I just don’t feel ready again and not sure I ever will. Do some people just end up alone forever and never ready again? Do I need to push myself? I feel I should be “ready” after 6 years. How do others move on so quickly other than the relationship being “dead for a long time” as like I said that’s not always the case? Is it a case of just forcing yourself? Maybe the longer it’s left the harder it is?

Everyone is different. Some people literally can't be on their own and move on v fast after relationships end or even bereavement. I'm not sure this is always a reflection on how the relationship they left was. If you do not feel up to dating again yet, that's totally fine - date when you want to, not because of what you think you should do.

it's more likely that they were not that emotionally invested in the previous relationship so they didn't need a grieving period

there is nothing wrong with it just like there is nothing wrong with you - people have very different approaches to relationships / dating and it often reflects in the way they go about breakups / moving on

Some people just cannot be alone and cling onto the first person that comes their way. Personally I think this is a sad/pathetic way to live. I doubt these people truly love there partners. Not really.

No advise on dating sadly. I'm newly single after a 20yr relationship and have no desire to get out there and date right now.

They say one month for every year of a relationship. My marriage was a 30 year relationship (only the first 19 years were happy) and yes, it took me exactly 30 months (2.5 years) from pulling the plug to starting to date. It took me that long to process what had happened and start to work out what I wanted my future to look like. I've no idea how people take only a month or so, except that some people are reflective (me) and some are emotional - so I guess for them, if it feels right, it is right? Neither are good or bad, it's just people are different. And they take different amounts of time.

I have a DP now and he's lovely, but I often just want to be alone with my thoughts, not with him and the intense feelings. So I am part-time single (not playing the field, obvs), part-time in a relationship. Works for me, though he wants more.

If you're worried OP you could consider counselling to talk things through and work out what you want?

PS I only started dating because I quite suddenly had an intense desire to have sex after a 10 year dry spell. Otherwise I don't think I would have bothered.

I often think those who have a lot of friends and family or young kids and stuff going on in life tend to rush less to fill the void. Not always the case I know, but of the people I know who did rush it was because they actually had relationships that were very partner focussed and wanted to fill that partner spaced hole in their life.

I don’t have any family but been busy with my children but I’m not sure that’s the case as I know plenty of women with young children and children younger than mine that date again straight away (someone with a 3m old baby I know who now has a new partner)

OP - not all relationships are the same.
People tend to project their own feelings onto other people.
So for some - an 18mo relationship in general; or some specific 18mo relationship is deep and meaningful. And ending it if is a major event.
For someone else they may have dared someone for 18mo without much attachment or connection.

Equally - what is ‘moving on’ really. In your question you assume some sort of real and deep connection. While in reality it can be just dating out of boredom or wanting sex.

As to being ready to move on. It’s up to you really. No rules. And of course you don’t need to push yourself.
However - kids do grow up. And most people enjoy companionship.
You seem to have deep unhealed wounds.
And you’ll need to deal with them one day.

I think many people cannot function outside being in a pair so try to replace that dynamic asap. I get it, I was a bit like that in my twenties/thirties - hence two almost three failed marriages. I’ve been single for 15 years now and prefer it by far. I’ll never have another relationship. However I do think having children makes being able to take that position easier. I might feel very different if not for them.

Not all relationships are the same, not all people are the same. I've been in a yearlong relationship and been fine a week after it ended because I'd known the whole time it probably wasn't right, I've had things end after 3 months and been gutted for ages.

But 6 years is a long time, yes. Was it a particularly traumatic relationship or breakup? What are you not ready for? It could be useful to try and dig into why you're not feeling it yet. You don't have to date, but you also deserve to be able to move on from something after that long and if you're not ready for something new it feels like you've not really let that go still.

i mean...we're talking about dating, not everyone dates to lock them up in marriage, kids and mortgage

One thing I missed off my post and sadly is an important factor is many people simply struggle to manage financially on their own too and hence place more emphasis on 2 people contributing. I had someone work with me like this, single mum. She seemed keen to find someone to ease the financial load as it was constantly mentioned- I think she quite liked all other aspects of not being in a relationship though

A 18 mo relationship was never good, and was dead to all intents and purposes for months, and they were going through the motions, is VERY different to a 18 mo loving and deep relationship that ended all of a sudden due to a betrayal or affair.

In the first case, yes, I can easily see how someone could date after 3 weeks.... In the second, not so much.

People are much too quick to project their own experience onto all other relationships and assume they are similar.

Some people already moved on and processed leaving while in he relationship.

Some can only get over it by finding someone else.

Some will seem to move on but it hits them months later.

You don't know what's happening in peoples heads

True. And conversely some people are not particularly invested in being in a relationship. They don't have a strong pull to be in a couple. Some people discover that they aren't particularly sexual either and are ambivalent about being in a relationship

Also, many people move on whilst still in relationships via affairs. Obviously I'm not defending that, but it's not uncommon. If you can get your head around how that might happen, then understanding how someone can get into a relationship very soon after a break up should be much more straightforward to understand.

It's common, even in relationships that persist, for the love and attraction to have long since left that relationship, so couples can be together officially, but not together in heart or mind. They drift along through circumstance and habit.

I mean this kindly OP...but after 6 years if you're really genuinely 'not ready' to date then perhaps you should seek some kind of counselling to talk through why? That's a lot of stuff you're carrying around and you might need help getting through that 💐

Firstly, coupling up is not obligatory. Being single and happy that way is a valid option.

And some people have high standards of who they want to date. It can take a year or two to meet anyone nice.

Some people have felt terribly lonely in their (failing) relationships and can't wait to get back out in the sunshine.

Everyone is different. Just go with what feels right to you. Don't pressure yourself with some imagined norm.

I haven't dated for 6 years but I haven't met anyone who I feel interested in. It doesn't mean there is an issue, just I'm happy and a new person would need to add to that which is quite a tall order.

I think you need to think about you don’t feel ready after 6 years. If it’s genuinely that you aren’t over the split, I think that’s quite unusual and maybe you need to think about some professional support.

Or is that you are quite happy single and you haven’t met anyone that you feel that way about. Especially, felt enough about to give up a lifestyle you enjoy.

I have never done online dating, or blind dates or being set up. Every relationship I have had is someone I met in rl and something developed. They have to be pretty special for me to change anything about my routine or life. When I met Dp he enhanced my life. If we split, my world wouldn’t end and I would be single again. I would be fine with that. I would miss him. But life would be good and I may or may not be in another relationship. Nothing about not being ready, just simply enjoy my life and anyone entering it has to enhance it.

Just because you don’t want to date, doesn’t mean you haven’t moved on. Just try and thinking about which situation you are in.

Dating, broken relationships, heartbreak, other women, pain, let downs, disappointment, feeling used, feeling irritated, feeling humiliated, fear, overwhelming sadness, washed out dreams. I'm fucking done with it all. They're either pissing you around because they don't want you enough or they're slobbering all over you like rottweilers because they want you too much. As for online dating fuuuuuuck me I felt like I caught a disease just looking at it. Grim. Ghosting, game playing, pick me dances, guess work. Ugh.

I gave up and completely cut off over a year ago and I've felt peace ever since. I'll never let anyone touch me again. The thought of a man in my life now literally makes me feel sick.

Bring me that cat!

My ex and i split in January, he didnt want the split but we had so many issues and i couldnt be broken down by him anymore. He tried to have an affair 4 years ago which broke my heart.

8 weeks after leaving me he moved in with his old EA partner, i dont think he loves her, he just cant be alone and i predicted he would find a single mother with her own house and move in as he doesnt like living back at his mums.

The crux is he cant be on his own and picked the first person who let him move in, i feel sorry for her because he is not the prize she thinks he is, charming and funny but cant keep his dick in his pants and will destroy her mental health, but thats her problem now.

23 years together and replaced in 8 weeks!

It’s not that I’m not over my ex sorry if it wasn’t clear so it’s not moving on mentally as I’ve already moved on and don’t want to be with him but it’s more in the physical sense. I just can’t see myself with anyone again and just can’t be bothered, I have no interest in dating but I keep thinking I should as I do get bored and lonely sometimes and miss sex (though wouldn’t be up for a friends with benefits situation) I keep thinking I should feel these things and want to meet someone but I don’t and was just wondering if there was something wrong with me and how everyone else just seems to date again so quickly.

@MaxwellCat absolutely nothing wrong with how you feel -