Love-bombing or healthy affection?

[guineacup]

Maybe I've lived under a rock but love-bombing isn't a term I'd come across until a few months ago reading threads on here.

So my question is, how do people differentiate between someone who is love-bombing as a way to manipulate them, and healthy affection from genuine person?

Is it quantity or quality... or something else?

It's like asking if both sexes can be manipulative, or just one. It's a trait.

As a man, I can say that women do this too... of course they do, though the "hooks" they use are different. Less flowers, more blowjobs...

Whenever I see or hear shout love bombing, what stands out for me is that the person doing it is in control. So they initiate the crazy OTT affection and grand gestures and the target may well be loving it but they know its odd on some level, "I never thought I could be this connected to someone" or similar.

and then the boundaries are pushed and the target finds themselves agreeing to all kinds of things to keep the love bomber happy - meeting up more often, cancelling other plans, going to places they don't like....

Also, I think consciously or not, love bombing is done to find people who are more likely to submit longer term. It's a really quick.way to narrow the field and identify the person who will be easier to dominate long term because most love bombers will very quickly be shown the door by someone who has firm boundaries because its so bloody icky.

target may well be loving it but they know its odd on some level, "I never thought I could be this connected to someone" or similar

Yes, but this happens at the start of a healthy relationship too. That's exactly how it feels when you meet someone you're compatible with. 'Wow, this is amazing, this person fits me perfectly...' etc.

You can't know it's love-bombing at this stage, unless they're being ridiculous and making it obvious, by buying you your own mansion or something.

You only know it's wrong when it starts to feel wrong, and that's by no means reliably near the start.

I know what you mean but I am talking a more extreme version. In my experience, when I've seen this sort of thing playing out, there's a sense of surprise and wonder at it. Don't get me wrong, you're totally right - the start of a relationship is always all loved up and I remember feeling amazed and happy at how much now DH and I seemed to get on when we first met....

It's hard to explain but I've seen it on here and in real life where the things being said and done just feel OTT and the recipient, while loving it, also has a slightly odd response. I can't really explain it better than that. eg with SIL, she thought he was being a bit OTT. She liked it but also knew its as a bit OTT, but justified it on the basis that he had come out of a bad relationship and was just so happy to be with someone "normal" etc etc....

Maybe that's it - it's that the lovebombing needs some sort of justification, "oh, he's just the kind of guy who wears his heart on his sleeve" or whatever.

Yes, @SavBlancTonight , there are extremes. Why you'd focus on them, I don't know; the none extremes are the skilful ones, the less obvious ones, the more likely to fool us ones. Obviously if someone says they love you enough after one date that they're buying you a personal jet plane, any of us would be suspicious.

In my experience, love bombers tend to use words, gifts and flowers in a stereotyped and excessive manner, regardless of what you say or do, then get pissy relatively quickly if you aren't receptive enough, hold back, be sad as manipulation and so on. I think they often use stereotyped phrases as they are doing it for manipulation rather than genuine heart-felt emotion. I think more personal compliments, and looking to match your response, as well as good behaviours as well as words, are signs that you are onto a good one. Some people don't see Disney-type behaviour as alarming, I find it weird so would take some convincing that it was genuine, and extended to genuine care and love in behaviour over time. Believing people's words and not their actions is the cause of a lot of problems in the Relationship section.

The kind of love-bombing that is a red flag is, I think, quite easy to spot because however grand the gesture, it never really allows for you to be a whole person with individual needs and wants.

There are two types. One is generic - you'll get red roses and discussions of what kind of babies you'd make by date 2 or 3, confessions of love despite barely knowing each other.

The other - a bit trickier, is very specific to you. You might get expensive presents that are linked to your interests. They may move heaven and earth to support you during a difficult time, and be a dazzling co-host if you throw a party. That kind comes across as genuine but if you analyse it, it's quite controlling. You may actually want to be left alone when you are dealing with a bereavement, for example, but they'll be there 24/7. They'll make you their 'signature' cocktail/recipe to look after you, rather than ask what you fancy to eat or drink. Your boundaries are crossed. Or the expensive present will come with strings attached. It will be transactional.

The crazy-in-love real love feeling is different because you are treated as a real person with your own needs, wants, priorities and space.

The crazy-in-love real love feeling is different because you are treated as a real person with your own needs, wants, priorities and space

In my experience they were the same. It's just that one changed into something controlling and unpleasant, and the other didn't.

We're not talking about one thing here. It can be someone with slightly controlling tendencies, being a bit over-into you, or it can be a full blown psychopath, deliberately manipulating you by seeking out and abusing your vulnerabilities. It's dangerous to say 'It feels different from real love' or 'It doesn't leave room for you to be the real you', because there are many instances where these things do happen.

All we can do is have our own back in all circumstances. Then, if what seemed good turns bad, we know we'll be able to look after ourselves, and that leaves us free to enjoy the good times. Which means that, from the love-bomber, you get the mansion and the jet airplane... and then you walk away with your head up and your heart intact.

genuine affection is consitent, love-bombing is not

if someone has a pattern of being hot-n-cold, the likelihood is that their affection has some underlying purpose

some examples include what people already said (causing a fight, distancing oneself and then becoming exceedingly affectionate), other times it's because they just dont care that much but realise their distance is causing their partner to lose interest so they get back to being extra affectionate for a bit to make up for it

so while I think it's normal to miss few first warning signs, you may be able to recognise the pattern as it happens

Again, @PaintedEgg , the love bombing I experienced was consistent for a long time.

I wish people would stop giving definitions and instructions based on their own experience, and discounting others. We have all experienced behaviour with things in common, rather than experiencing the same behaviour.

its a tricky one isn’t it, should you take everything at face value or with a decent (large) pinch of salt?

Honestly don’t know the answer but interested in the views on here.

From my own perspective I think I would try to believe people are mostly genuine but secretly brace for it being bullshit 😬

so was it love - bombing? or was it a relationship that turned abusive?

love bombing is a specific type of behaviour - weaponised affection and display of love, it involves intent. There are abusers who don't "love bomb" just like there can be abusers who don't gaslight

It happened to me at the start of a relationship. It was ridiculous. Totally unsustainable and suffocating.

I think you also have to keep an eye on how they interact with others generally. Some people just come across as extra complimentary and friendly.

@PaintedEgg

It was love bombing, in my opinion. Not sure why you need me to 'get it right', according to your own definition. You're not the resident love-bombing expert. Let others have their own view, we're not trying to be 'right' here, we're sharing our varied experiences.

Here's an article that explains what happened to me. It doesn't have a timeline on it, just an order of events.

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-love-bombing-5223611#:~:text=Love%20bombing%20is%20a%20tactic,lead%20to%20gaslighting%20and%20abuse.

Lovebombing can happen for a long time before any overt abuse happens. It depends on how quickly an abuser can get you where they want you. Mine took a while to isolate me, and so kept up the act for longer than others might. Some lovebomb for years, and then the relationship becomes overtly abusive. The two things aren't mutually exclusive. Others love-bomb for a couple of weeks.

All our experiences are valid, and it's unkind to correct somebody on their opinion of what happened when they were abused.

@Watchkeys you're the one who insisted on disagreeing with my opinion :) i've only asked because i was curious given that even the link you posted mentions the weaponisation of affection and the fact that it can be used again after a big fight for example. it is a manipulation tactic that has a distinct pattern, nobody argues how long each "spell" lasts.

as times goes by (weeks, months, and as you've said - sometimes years) one can realise this pattern, but in most cases it only happens in retrospect (and often in therapy...here's me speaking from experience).

I haven't disagreed with your opinion, @PaintedEgg , I've offered my own to add to it, and pointed out that it's not the only way to view things,

Not sure which bit of 'all our experiences are valid' you're struggling with?

nobody is actually arguing with your experiences, what you've described just doesn't align with the definition of love-bombing that you have posted.

you've replied to my post disagreeing with what it said, then posted a link that supports it... all i did was to ask if your experience actually meets the definition - i didn't argue with it

Not to worry, @PaintedEgg

I post about my experience, you post about yours. I don't need you to agree with my definition of my own experiences, and I haven't questioned yours.

My point was that we didn't all have the same experience as you, or as each other.

I'm sure we can agree on that, and stop derailing the thread.

I think there's a subtly difference between live bombing and genuine affection and it's about what the person stands to gain.

If it's genuine affection, they aren't pushing for anything in return, just expressing how they feel and doing nice things without expecting anything or benefitting directly.

Love bombing usually results in the person gaining something, it would be commitment from you before you're ready, even just becoming exclusive before you're ready, to wanting you to stop seeing your friends as often as you do, or maybe disclosing information. Or big stuff like moving in too quickly. It can be used as a way of control. Grand gestures like booking a surprise holiday when you're supposed to be seeing a friend, or 'I love you so much, I'm worried you'll meet someone' when you go out on a work do. All designed to mould your behaviour