My mum annoys me for no reason

[Jamontoast1]

Please be kind as I’m sure being 26 weeks pregnant also has a part to play in my emotions.

My mum has for my adult life always irritated me a little bit, she fusses and worries a lot, lives alone so is often a bit ‘low’ and says the wrong thing sometimes but I know she always means well and all she wants is my love.

Recently I had a big argument with her as when I told my Dad I was pregnant (and was VERY nervous to do so…) instead of asking how it went, she turned the situation around into her feeling sorry for herself for not being here as one big happy family being told all together (they’ve been separated for 22 years). I felt it was selfish when I had been there for her in the weeks prior as a big emotional support, and she couldn’t do the same for me for one day in such a big moment in my life, and maybe discussed with one of my siblings how she felt instead of again relying on me. I know she feels really guilty about it now but it’s often the way that she does think about her own feelings without possibly considering others… she isn’t a selfish person she’s just very emotional / over thinker.

Since then it’s really triggered something where immediately after picking up the phone to her I can feel my heckles up. I can feel myself being very short and irritable and I can’t help it but then feel awful afterwards. I just want to snap out of it but I can’t and it seems the more short I am with her, the more she craves my attention and love and so fusses more and is overly motherly as if I’m not a 30 year old pregnant woman but a 12 year old girl. If I call her once she will then see that as an opportunity to facetime me 2x a day… to talk about nothing! Which then annoys me further and so the cycle continues.

I’ve tried writing down how I feel / what she does to trigger it and why. I can’t answer the why and it’s really frustrating me as I know deep down she lives alone and just wants her daughter to show her love for her so I feel so guilty that I can’t right now.

I’m usually a lot more kind, caring and patient and I hate that I’m not with my mum right now.

💐

I don’t think it is for no reason. It sounds like she uses you as an emotional support human. Her needs seem to come before yours. Putting some boundaries in about how frequently she can call, ways of moving the conversation on from her ‘low’ moods might help. Now you are pregnant and have your own emotional needs, I would think it is more difficult for you to continue putting her first at all times.

I feel sorry for you and a bit for your mum. I’m the mother to my mid twenties only Dd.

Ive always tried to be the hands off, but always there kind of mum. But I’m going through a divorce and have become a bit needy, which I know I must get a handle on.

The only thing I can say in your mothers defence is that as I’ve got older I seem to have lost some of my resilience, my confidence and clear sightedness. Some of that is due to my ex’s controlling behaviour, but some might also be due to just an ageing brain.

I think perhaps just expect less of yourself and your mum while you are pregnant. Go with the flow and just accept she is pressing your buttons and try to grey rock.

Perhaps once the baby comes she will be able to help you out with practical things and that may help you be the daughter you want to be.

Just like marriages have their highs and lows, parent/child relationships can do the same.

Thank you. I do think maybe I need to put less pressure on myself but I just hate that worked up and irritated feeling. She must know as well and be upset by it. She’s also a very sensitive person so if I bring it up with her I know it’ll really upset her and I’ll feel worse.

I can emphasise with you!
I currently live with my parents and brother and get on fine with everyone apart from my mum who really annoys me most of the time. She doesn’t try to annoy me but I just find her personality and habits very annoying. I try very hard to be nice but find myself, more often than not, being snappy and irritable towards her. I have felt this way for about 20 years now, I’m 47! I always feel guilty and apologise for being short with her and vow to be nicer but it never lasts 🥲. I can’t pinpoint any reason why I feel this way - she hasn’t done anything wrong to me as such.

like you I am pregnant (30 weeks) and my negative feelings toward my mum have intensified since becoming pregnant. I wake up feeling irritated at her just bring in the house, before she’s even said good morning! It’s quite disconcerting. I too put it down to hormones and really hope it settles down once baby arrives as I don’t like feeling this way and feel for my poor mum.

I think being pregnant intensifies any sort of negative feelings eg depression, anxiety, anger. I hope things improve for you once baby arrives xx

I definitely think pregnancy intensifies it. I can resonate with being annoyed by her just being in the house as ridiculous as it sounds. Usually she does get on my nerves a bit but I can sort of hold it in and see past it!

I snapped at her on the phone yesterday because she asked what I was doing and when I replied saying cooking, she said “awwww”… why is that ‘awww’? She then asked me a question that she had asked me on WhatsApp 3 hours prior… and I snapped! Felt so horrible after but slept on it and going to give her a call today to apologise and probably just try to step back for a few weeks to cool off.

God I’ve done similar in the past! It’s even harder when you live with them.

Our poor mums 🥲

I think trying to put a distance between us and them is a good idea when we feel the way we do eg I try and stay out the house or in another room as her when I’m feeling particularly irritable 🤣

I used to feel like this. I trained myself to react to whatever she said or did in the way I would if my favourite aunty has said/done it. It's extremely effective and stops the irritation cycle.

Evillbank - that’s a tactic I should try!

My mum does so much to annoy me:

-repeats herself and tells the same stories all the time (I’m sure she has early dementia but she refuses to get help)

• talks when I’m trying to watch tv
• sits for hours of FB and the internet and gives me a running commentary of whatever nonsense she’s watching
• has decided she no longer wants to drive (for no good reason) and so has my dad and everyone else has to ferry her about everywhere
• bad mouths a lot of people and critcises peoples looks
• very rarely plays with my 7 year old daughter, saying she’s always “busy” (she’s not)
• Never has anything intelligent to say on current affairs or the news - just makes comments on the presenters clothes or hair.

I could go on and on! She’s also very fiery and if I snap at her it causes huge arguments. I just tty and stay out her way. I lived with her for 2 years now and can’t wait to move out in a few months. I can tolerate her much better when we live apart!

you have my sympathies 😊

My brothers and dad don’t irritate me at all really so I’m don’t think it’s because I’m a moody pregnant b!tch!!

I think that family just generally annoys you at certain times because you haven’t chosen them, they’re these very familiar people who you might not choose to hang out with if you met them otherwise.

i found that my values changed a lot as I got older and I found things a bit difficult from my mum / MIL along those lines. Ie little judgements, banal gossip, constant repetition of stories, lack of interest in other people etc etc. But it’s their personality so you can’t actually address it with them can you?

I feel a bit sorry for your mum tbh. Her re-asking you a question and saying 'aww' to you cooking are hardly crimes of the century

So yeah, I get the irritation but id try really hard to overcome this unless you want to intentionally keep upsetting her by being a bit of an arse

And I hate to be 'that person' so do ignore this last line as it'll probably irritate you, but I'd give a lot to have my mum back to get on my nerves ..

You are paying attention to her feelings whilst trying to dismiss your own. Why are yours less important?

get the irritation but id try really hard to overcome this unless you want to intentionally keep upsetting her

Feeling irritated by somebody and respecting your feelings enough to express it isn't intentionally upsetting. It can be a good idea to amend how you express it, but overcoming your own feelings isn't self respecting, nor will it make you happy.

But you're living in her house? Which is ok because you're saving up?

Wonder if she'll tolerate you better when you move out?

Mine used to annoy me, and I her I am sure.

She died, I miss her.

She left us all a considerable amount of money, but we no longer have a family home and we no longer have a mother.

I would swap the money for just another day of me rolling my eyes and muttering under my breath. 😕

OP, your mum sounds a lot like mine. About 5 years ago she was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder, and she’s probably had it most of her adult life. It makes her very self absorbed, and if anyone has a problem she automatically thinks about how it will affect her. She is constantly asking questions and she hates not being seen as perfect - the perfect family, lovely home, successful children, etc. etc. and really struggles when she perceives someone or something as ‘better’ than her. She takes offence incredibly easily and any perceived sleight is followed swiftly by a ‘poor me’ reaction. That said, she has her good points - she is crazy about her grandchildren and is generous to a fault. She loves us (even though we cause her anxiety!) and is interested in our lives, and she is a good and kind MIL who is well liked by our spouses. I’m not a psychologist, and I’ve never met your mum, so I’m not diagnosing her, but if some of this sounds familiar, reading about it might give you some strategies to cope better with her.

she isn’t a selfish person

Yes, she is. The sooner you admit that the better. She may not be maliciously selfish, but she's emotionally selfish. It's all about her, all the time. I can't absolutely relate to this with my mother. It's fucking exhausting and any. little. thing. can make you feel like you're going to explode on her because there's only so much shit you can take. I get it.

You need to separate the her stuff from the you stuff. It's not unreasonable to want her to support you rather than centre herself in the issue as she did when you told your dad. It is unreasonable to snap at her for repeating questions or responding to you in a harmless albeit irritating way.
If you can find a way to address the areas where you've a right to be annoyed, you might find you've more patience with the other things.
If it were me, I'd have a chat. Say you know you've been a bit snappy, but somethings been on your mind, and tell her how you felt when she made telling your dad about her.
It might not do any good, but I do think you owe her some honesty and the opportunity to change her approach rather than keep getting irritated. It's just a viscious circle as she'll become more nervous and fussy around you the more you snap at her.

Sounds like you are feeling smothered and she’s getting under your feet a bit. I think you need a ‘mum holiday’ for a bit and to take some time for yourself if you’re able to. You are also pregnant and hormones are mad. You’re not a bad person though it’s normal. Your feelings are as important as hers.

I sympathise OP and my Mum is similar. Even now, as she gets to the end of her life, she winds me up instantly! She has anxiety about everything and as soon as one problem is solved, she manufactures another one. Every single conversation we have is a litany of complaints! She readily admits she offloads on me and "feels better" when she's done so.

Other people love her and see her as kind, remarkable for her age and outgoing and chatty. But they weren't brought up by her!

A few times in my life I've had words with my Mum about her inability to consider how her anxiety affects me (in particular). She says "but it's genuine, I'm not making it up". I say "I know, but I need a break from it occasionally".

Perhaps it's time for an honest chat with her? If she gets upset, she gets upset but you deserve to be heard. I think it's awful that she makes your pregnancy announcement all about her sadness over the divorce 22 years ago. Mine never got over her divorce - I feel sorry, but it happened in 1974 ffs.

Solidarity .

I empathasise op. My mum means well and would do anything for me but she's such a worrier I end up keeping a lot of my life from her beacause it always turns into HER being anxious about it.
I wish she'd get a grip and she was able to emotionally be there for me as a parent. I can't help feeling it's quite pathetic and it irritates me no end.

It’s your mum and you have ‘the Ick’ about her. I would imagine pretty much anything she did would annoy you at the moment. I think it can happen easily with our parents, especially when they use us as confidantes or lean on us too heavily, they’re not our friends or our children, they’re the grown-ups and it’s scary or annoying when the don’t act like it. I have had to point out to my mum before now that some of the things she whinges about are not appropriate to talk to me about (my dads affair) and I don’t want to listen to my father’s basically racist and homophobic Daily Mail views on everything.

unless you want to cut them out completely then control how you see them and the level of contact. Take your mum out baby clothes shopping but then drop her off before the whinging starts. I always find asking them to help with tasks is really helpful, it distracts them! I’m also more blunt than I used to be “you’re turning into a right miserable old man/woman etc” and laughing at them usually shuts them up!