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Relationships

Is anyone really happy?

77 replies

everydayisthesame · 18/12/2022 22:03

I don't understand how anyone is actually happy with mundane daily life. I am married, no major problems with DH, just normal bickering. I have a child, lovely and kind but hard work. Have a career which challenges me and allows me to progress. Good relationship with family and friends but I just feel so blah. Every day feels the same, wake up, parent, work, random household duties (split between myself and DH), more parenting, probably bicker with DH, stress at dc for not listening, go to bed and do it all again. I'm bored and exhausted; seems so long ago that I felt really happy but cant identify what is making me feel this way other than boredom. I don't have hobbies or see people as much as I'd like because I'm tired all the time, especially in winter.

Do other people feel this way or is everyone else elated living the daily grind she having so much fun simply watching crap tv with partner / family?

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Plantmum2047 · 18/12/2022 22:05

Being tired always gets me down. I know you have a child and you say the child is hard work, can you get any more help? Is the tiredness just from general life or could there be any other reasons like health wise? Personally I need to have at least one hobby that brings me happiness otherwise life just feels like work all the time. Mine only takes 1.5 hours of time per week.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 18/12/2022 22:08

I’m pretty happy. That probably doesn’t help? Are you anaemic? Any other health issues eg vitamin deficiency or thyroid function? How well do you sleep?

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everydayisthesame · 18/12/2022 22:11

I've been to the drs and all is fine health wise, I have suffered with depression but don't think it's that. I used to read but can't muster the energy and don't really know what I enjoy anymore. I never had many hobbies, other than going out to nightclubs, which doesn't interest me anymore. I've looked at social groups but they all seem set up for new mums, retired women or singles, which aren't relatable to me.

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everydayisthesame · 18/12/2022 22:12

And I don't sleep well, exhausted all day and wide awake by bed time

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user85747 · 18/12/2022 22:18

For me the key to accepting the repetitiveness of most days is to always have something to look forward to. From something small like a takeaway, middling ground of day trips, dinners out through to the bigger things like holidays, budget depending (was more to the left for many years for us). For me the routine is necessary, and stabilising, but the break from it is where life is truly lived!

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everydayisthesame · 18/12/2022 22:21

My child had ASD and is overly attached to me, won't go anywhere without me, very upset if I go anywhere, argues with DH whenever he tries to do homework/bedtime etc, which we think is a way to ensure I take over the activity.

I want to have a life again which is not work (senior role, quite stressful), or parenting (which I love but find challenging). I feel like I have lost myself

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CatherinedeBourgh · 18/12/2022 22:21

How old is your dc?

The early years can be a bit of a repetitive grind, but ime as they grow older and you can interact on a more even level the fun comes right back and more.

I'm loving the teenage years.

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CatherinedeBourgh · 18/12/2022 22:22

Sorry, xpost. It's not surprising you are finding it exhausting, you have a lot on your plate.

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ChristmasSparkleTastic · 18/12/2022 22:24

Totally hear you op. It's a bit like groundhog day sometimes.

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everydayisthesame · 18/12/2022 22:26

My child is 9, but still very young and struggling with growing up, which is fine, I totally respect that. We do lots of day trips but they bring their own challenges and the activities are always centred around DC, again, I know this is normal and healthy as family is so very important but I don't have an outlet.

I feel my DH and I have become co parents, with DC at the focus of everything but we have nothing to talk about after bedtime. DH is great, he tries to help but it's me, I need a break to be me, not mum, not boss, just me

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Opentooffers · 18/12/2022 22:36

Find your thing. With me it's music, so going to gigs when I get the chance. DS grown up now, but I still went to gigs while a full time working single parent. You have to have some personal time to look forward to in life. Maybe a book club is more your thing? Find something for you, that you like, that you can do with others. Reading is solitary, but a book club is social.

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everydayisthesame · 18/12/2022 22:41

ChristmasSparkleTastic · 18/12/2022 22:24

Totally hear you op. It's a bit like groundhog day sometimes.

I am so glad it's not just me! It feels like I'm treading water. I adore DH and DC but I didn't think life would be like this! I was once life and soul of the party, every day was fun and exciting and now it's just all the same. I feel so guilty for feeling that way because I know I am lucky I'm so many ways and many people have it worse!

Maybe I need to grow up and accept that life is not a party, it's hard and monotonous

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Blackeyesbluetears · 18/12/2022 22:41

Op. My ds is nearly six and has just been diagnosed with autism. I think it's worth seeking support in autism parent Facebook groups.































































Parenting an asd child lends itself to unique challenges and considerations.































































I wouldn't say I'm happy. But I'm fairly content with things. I enjoy life. Me and dh. make sure we prioritise meaningful breaks away fom the children that really helps

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everydayisthesame · 18/12/2022 22:45

Opentooffers · 18/12/2022 22:36

Find your thing. With me it's music, so going to gigs when I get the chance. DS grown up now, but I still went to gigs while a full time working single parent. You have to have some personal time to look forward to in life. Maybe a book club is more your thing? Find something for you, that you like, that you can do with others. Reading is solitary, but a book club is social.

I love music too, pre covid we went to a lot of gigs. Post covid DC's separation anxiety makes that really bloody hard! I love spending time with DH but he needs to be at home with DC for me to do anything. Book club seems like an old ladies thing, and even though I'm in my 40s, I don't feel there yet.

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everydayisthesame · 18/12/2022 22:50

Blackeyesbluetears · 18/12/2022 22:41

Op. My ds is nearly six and has just been diagnosed with autism. I think it's worth seeking support in autism parent Facebook groups.































































Parenting an asd child lends itself to unique challenges and considerations.































































I wouldn't say I'm happy. But I'm fairly content with things. I enjoy life. Me and dh. make sure we prioritise meaningful breaks away fom the children that really helps

I 100% agree, ASD parenting is heartbreaking in many ways. I find myself crying for what I hoped my DC would achieve and the potential limitations. I have looked at groups locally but most of them are in working hours, assuming most ASD patents are SAHMs, which makes me, the feminist career focused person, feel like I am doing it wrong!

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Cuppasoupmonster · 18/12/2022 22:50

I don’t think happiness is a permanent state, and is quite a high bar to feel most of the time.

My mum cares for elderly people and asked one man the secret to living to 100, he said he’s never strived for happiness but just settles for being content - I think there’s a lot in that.

Life with small kids is Groundhog Day, but I try to do things to make it nicer - I cook nice meals, tidy away the toys and things at the end of every day so I have a clear house to wake up to, buy nice bubble bath so I can have a soak every few days (I do shower in between lol).

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Figgypudding123 · 18/12/2022 22:53

OP, how old are you? Could you be perimenopausal by any chance?

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everydayisthesame · 18/12/2022 22:54

Cuppasoupmonster · 18/12/2022 22:50

I don’t think happiness is a permanent state, and is quite a high bar to feel most of the time.

My mum cares for elderly people and asked one man the secret to living to 100, he said he’s never strived for happiness but just settles for being content - I think there’s a lot in that.

Life with small kids is Groundhog Day, but I try to do things to make it nicer - I cook nice meals, tidy away the toys and things at the end of every day so I have a clear house to wake up to, buy nice bubble bath so I can have a soak every few days (I do shower in between lol).

That is an interesting stance, maybe I am expecting too much joy and jubilation in life when I should be content. I just feel like BANG, 10 years and now I am old and boring

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everydayisthesame · 18/12/2022 22:55

Figgypudding123 · 18/12/2022 22:53

OP, how old are you? Could you be perimenopausal by any chance?

I am 40, no symptoms of peri but you never know. The joys of being a woman huh?

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everydayisthesame · 18/12/2022 22:57

This is wonderful though, I've posted many a times and killed threads over a number of years. I appreciate each and every one of you for responding, I feel heard

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Blackeyesbluetears · 18/12/2022 23:08

Op, there is an element of grief that you need to go through. I've grieved heavily this year. This academic year has been challenging for all of us and has pushed me to my limit.

I try to find joy in the small things but it is hard sometimes.

I also work full time and feel incredibly guilty as ds1 needs me more than that. He needs a sahm really

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Shamoo44 · 18/12/2022 23:18

This is me. So close in all the detail that I wondered if someone was writing pretending to be!! I am feeling incredibly flat at the minute - not miserable, but a bit joyless. Again, a little bickering with partner but otherwise fine, family days out centring around children, sadness, confusion, frustration then guilt with ASD DC, and overall just feeling tired. I think that because I have had no time away from DC and looking to the future I struggle to see a time for fun, nights out and weekends away, that it just seems a bit overwhelming and never ending. But I have good job, nice home etc. Plenty to feel grateful for... but just feel meh!

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TheOGCCL · 18/12/2022 23:23

I've read and listened to lot about the science of happiness. Firstly it really does help to count your blessings, so if you're warm tonight, think of the people not so fortunate, if you're in a loving relationship, the people who would love that. You also never know when the foundation of your life might be rocked, eg by a parent's, spouse or friend's death, or some other blindsiding event (like a pandemic).

Secondly one of the most consistently reported way to make yourself happier is to focus on other people. Don't ask how you can be happier, what other people could do for you, but what you could for others, through charity donations or volunteering for example.

Forty is a funny age as you feel like you're approaching the mid way point of your life and asking 'is this it?' and maybe even thinking about how older age looks a bit miserable. But studies show as you get older you tend to get happier, partly as you do start appreciating the smaller things and come to terms with all the lives you didn't (couldn't) lead.

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TheOGCCL · 18/12/2022 23:26

PS don't rule out perimenopause as the decline in oestrogen can have an effect on your brain/mood and energy levels.

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ErinAndTonic · 18/12/2022 23:38

I feel like this sometimes too. It can stick around for a week or so and then go for a bit before returning again. I think hormones definitely tie in.

You do sound like you need some me time. Can you do something for yourself once your child is in bed? Or during your lunch hour? Maybe a yoga class - easy enough to do with YouTube if you can't get out of the house. Working on your mindset may help, like other posters have said, focusing on what you're grateful for, you can get a notebook and capture three good things everyday. Maybe some supplements and diet changes will help with the tiredness too.

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