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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Everything is my fault, apparently.

53 replies

SueBaroo · 27/01/2008 20:00

He cared for me when I was really ill, and couldn't dig the garden/tidy the garage/mend the guttering - my fault. Now I'm able to go out alone and do so (to Tesco for an hour on a Saturday morning - woo hoo!) he still can't do those things - my fault.

The house isn't tidy when he comes home, because I'm looking after four children under 7 all day - my fault. He has the children while I'm out for my one hour alone, he can't tidy the house because I've left him with all four - my fault.

He's so bloody cross with me all day. I tried talking to him earlier and he grunted at me, and then I gave up, started peeling carrots and he snapped at me and said I wasn't very talkative.

Someone tell me going back to being submissive is a bad idea, because right now, it's looking like an attractive option.

OP posts:
whomovedmychocolate · 27/01/2008 20:10

No, he's a twonk. Ignore him. It's hard for him to adjust his expectations to cope with the new you but he will learn in time.

policywonk · 27/01/2008 20:13

Is your increased mobility a relatively recent thing?

Sorry to hear he's being an arse. DP is very similar on the housework thing (except that he knows better than to complain when the house is a tip) - I do all the housework during the week, but if I expect him to do housework tasks on the weekend while I'm posting working, he looks wounded and astonished in equal measure.

massiveNEWpantsface · 27/01/2008 20:18

Oh love, no, don't!
I'm sorry I don't know anything about your background or the problems you have had with dh, but as unhappy as you seem right now, I can't believe that you would really be a happier woman in such a submissive role...?
Keep strong, hold on to your identity.

Speaking from a recent experience I have just come out of a marriage where my (d)h could be quite very controlling and grumpy. I thought I'd do anything to make the marriage work even if it was just getting on with things for an easy life...
Now, after he broke it off, I feel like a new woman, suddenly I can do and enjoy the things I chose. I didn't quite realise how much of myself was quashed under his dominance.
I am not suggesting that you separate, far from it, but just that you try to take a step back from the situation and see who you are again.
Can you take some time out together to talk about how you both feel?

Original poster
SueBaroo · 27/01/2008 20:18

Yes, PW, I've been doing yoga and pilates (basically my physio exercises) and I've really seen a big improvement in mobility. Not got the pain beaten yet, but one step at a time. But then, the yoga is a whole other bone of contention.

I honestly wonder if he prefered having a crippled wife, even though he was slogging his guts out to care for me.

OP posts:
policywonk · 27/01/2008 20:22

Well it's fantastic that it's working for you. I agree with wmmc that he's probably struggling with the adjustment - I remember that misdee started a few threads after her DH had his heart transplant saying that it was really hard to adjust (hope she doesn't mind me using her as an example).

On a practical note, have you tried giving him specific things to do while you're out? I have found that it I say 'Please clean the sitting room', less gets done than if I say 'Please could you put the toys away and run the vacuum round'.

Original poster
SueBaroo · 27/01/2008 20:32

Yes, I think it's the adjustment. I have a blog now, where I'm going to try and chronicle a lot of this. I'm trying to understand things from his perspective, but the temptation to return to the way things were before is stronger than you might imagine.

It's not direction - he knows how to run the house all on his own. He just faced the reality of having 4 and how it means you can't get the house ship shape.

OP posts:
policywonk · 27/01/2008 20:37

Is your blog up and running yet?

Were you a surrendered wife before then, or just submissive in that you weren't physically able to be in charge?

Original poster
SueBaroo · 27/01/2008 20:43

No, no, not a surrendered wife. That's just barking. 'Submissive' in the idea of Dh being the Head of the household, and having the final say. Not really an issue as long as we're committed to the same things. More a problem when, like now, things aren't so clear-cut.

Blog is here.

OP posts:
policywonk · 27/01/2008 20:50

Sue, this is why I love the internet (actually, do I love the internet? I'm not sure whether I do.) This is one great thing about the internet - I would NEVER have got on friendly terms with you IRL. Your blog looks really interesting (more interesting than Cod's, dare I say?)

Have you talked to DH about your decision to not be so submissive?

Original poster
SueBaroo · 27/01/2008 21:09

The internet is a funny old place, isn't it?

Haven't discussed the submission thing at any great length. We did seem to be moving toward a more level partnership, but I think we're having a wobble.

OP posts:
whomovedmychocolate · 27/01/2008 22:02

You aren't surrendered as in 'wearing a dogchain while looking pale and being ejected by buses' are you?

policywonk · 27/01/2008 22:08

Did you talk about being submissive in the first place, or did it just work out that way?

Sorry to bombard you with questions. You seem so supremely bolshy online, it's hard to imagine you meekly acquiescing to things.

What's the theory behind it? Does it advocate submission in the Bible?

Original poster
SueBaroo · 27/01/2008 22:08

No, thankfully no S&M acoutrements about. I don't even have a rabbit

OP posts:
onebatmother · 27/01/2008 22:13

Sue, I admire you, for many reasons. Tried to leave a comment on your blog but couldn't quite work out how -- but I've bookmarked it.

Like Pol I think that talking is probably the next step with DH, though I do see why you've tried to move in friendly and unthreatening inches rather than feet, and therefore haven't broached any of this with him.

Is your shift in perspective related purely to your increased mobility or are there other things going on for you?

Thinking of you, in any case.

whomovedmychocolate · 27/01/2008 22:14

Perhaps you should get one

Seriously specific instructions are excellent with me.

e.g. I'd really appreciate it if you took the bins out, that way, the kitchen will be clear so I can make the dinner for you.

Or my personal favourite:

When I ask you if I look nice in a new outfit, looking at me and the outfit before commenting improves your chances of seeing me without it later enormously.

Hang in there, he'll get with your new program soon!

Original poster
SueBaroo · 27/01/2008 22:20

Yes, the submission thing is part and parcel of the conservative Christian belief. You get a lot of variation in it, to be fair - there are some very strict people who believe that a woman must obey her husband in everything, which wasn't us.

I s'pose it's a bit like having a senior partner who makes the final decision about general direction. That's what it is when it's healthy. The problem arises when there's real conflict, or someone changes their mind. It's one of those ways of doing marriage that needs everyone on board, really.

I've always been bolshy, and I am in RL, too. It's one of the reasons Dh liked me! I think he's wrestling with this awful feeling of having been duped and guilted into doing it 'the right way', and trying to find our way into having a marriage that is ours, rather than one that's a copy of anyone elses.

He's just apologized for being an arse, so all is well now. We'll work it out, it's just going to take time.

OP posts:
CaptainCod · 27/01/2008 22:23

it soujds crap thoguh
what do you get out of it?

Original poster
SueBaroo · 27/01/2008 22:27

Well, for most of the marriage, I got someone who looked after me, and I didn't have the stress of having to mkae the final decision about things. Which might not sound great, but actually, after looking after my family since I was about 11, it was bliss.

OP posts:
CaptainCod · 27/01/2008 22:29

but you cna get someone who look s after oyu in a regualr marriage and more of a say!
it soudsn liek tis all in his favour.

adn he DIDNt look afetr you form what you say anwyayw when you were poorly.

Dior · 27/01/2008 22:30

Message withdrawn

CaptainCod · 27/01/2008 22:30

www.letswrap.com/dvinfo/wheel.htm

policywonk · 27/01/2008 22:31

I can see why submission would have looked good after your early life (as much as you've told us about it).

Perhaps is says something positive about your state of mind that you are beginning to find it a bit irksome.

PussinJimmyChoos · 27/01/2008 22:32

Hi Sue - we've spoken before on Islamic threads Just read the blog - really interesting...especially the contraception thing...I'm a Muslim and use contraception but personally, have the philosophy that you can use as much (or as little!) contraception as you like, at the end of the day its God's will whether you get pregnant or not....you just do what you can up to a point, if you see what I mean? But still, very interesting to read your viewpoint

Sorry to hear you and DH are having a bit of a wobble - hang in there and I'm sure it will get better

Original poster
SueBaroo · 27/01/2008 22:34

No, when I was ill, he got me up, bathed me, cooked, did everything, really. I can't criticize him for that, he really did pour himself out everyday.

It's the extremity of some of the people that have influenced us, really. Like this lot, who will probably have some of you spitting feathers.

Honestly, once it gets inside your head, it's hard to shift it.

OP posts:
colditz · 27/01/2008 22:39

You can criticize him SueBaroo. You can. He made a choice to care for you, you did not force him, and the fact that he made that choice does not exempt him from having to be reasonable for the rest of his life, just like everyone else. he may have been an excellent carer - this does not give him the right to be a nob now!