Adult children taking sides in our break up despite not encouraging that

[SwaylorTwift]

I am so exhausted and sad.

Christmas has been very difficult, first one apart from DH after finding out he had been unfaithful earlier in our marriage.

I still love him but feel so angry with him (it was a year and I think he probably had more flings after a deception like that) so wanted a day just me and children etc but in the end Christmas was not nice without him. Everyone missed him.

Now children (firstly supportive of this choice) now express sympathy for poor dad and say they hated Christmas even though I tried to make it lovely for them all.

I now feel like the villain in the story for ruining Christmas.

@thecatfromjapan Sounds a bit Freudian? I think most people would feel dreadful if their children guilted them out for not being a good Christian while they were going through a divorce.

And ... I think they are probably incapable of 'getting' the impact of sexual infidelity. Because they are your children and, however cool they think they are, I doubt they will ever, truly, see you and your ex-husband as real, fully sexual people.

Again: you are the parent. You are the adult in this relationship with your children. However old they get.

So, take on the adult role. Accept they're kids. Despite their age.

And ... they are wishing for the stuff kids wish for: their parents to magically stay the same, and to magically be both guardians and servants of their (the children's) reality.

Well, it's tough. But the fact is, you are a real person, you have needs, wants, and a life to live of your own.

Be kind to your children. But recognise they are always (in relation to you) going to be just that: children.

So don't set too much store by what they say.

Ultimately, taking it all with a good helping of distance will be good for you and your relationship with them.

@madisonbridges

It's not that complicated really. Young adults are very selfish. They love you both and it's easier if you both get back together. Simples.

Live your life how you want to. They'll get on board.

Actually, this says it all - and far more pithily.

Thank you for all the good advice.

It's easy for the kids to forgive him, he hasn't cheated on them. But what they have to understand is sometimes you make a mistake and it can't be undone, sometimes saying sorry will never be enough. Once you break something sometimes it can't ever be mended. Sad but there it is.

Your parents getting divorced is still a difficult thing, even as an adult. It's worse for you of course OP, but they are sad too.

I don’t think your kids are siding with your H. They love you both. And of course - they are entitled to their feelings, and even their opinions.
But it is your relationship and only you can chose what to do. So - give yourself time and figure it out.

FWIW - I do see a difference about an affair they just happened, and something that was a long time ago. Long life together and how he has been in the relationship to me does count for something.

Equally, I also think that people can make mistakes and be forgiven. And I am not even a Christian.

Hopefully counselling will help you deal with your feelings, and give you a better idea of what path you want to chose.

Why would it be Freudian?

Just wondering what I said that indicated that?

And yes I could stop being so angry and bitter and forgive. For everyone to be happier..

I meant that thecatfromjapan's comment sounded like a Freudian analysis, OP.

Oh thank you I was confused.

You can be as angry and bitter as you want. And you can forgive in your own time.

You're your own woman.

Which is exactly why you can give a bit of distance to your children's remarks.

Don't hand power to others who - actually - don't want that power. And won't see it as power. They'll find it a burden.

Enjoy being your own woman.

And it's true: some people would have forgiven your husband. Or set it in the past.

And some wouldn't.

People are different. They are born different and then the roads they travel make them different.

There is no one way to live life, or to deal with situations.

Which is another reason for keeping a distance from what your children say.

You are you. You know that this was something that ended your marriage. And ... that's it, really.

Your role in this is not to make them choose sides. No matter how slighted you feel by their lack of understanding, you must keep your counsel and not lean on them emotionally. (This is hard.)

Their role in this is to butt out from offering advice on forgiveness and whether you should stay married. That is 100% overstepping and you need to tell them that.

Acknowledge their feelings, yes. Agree it is hard for them and you are sorry and sympathise. But let them know their emotions around this are in a different category to your emotions and they cannot advise you on matters they simply cannot understand.

I think it's your DH's job in all this to grow up, humbly call your children, tell them that no matter how charming he seems to them that he monumentally fucked up and he fully supports their mother for taking as long as she needs, perhaps FOREVER, to recover from what damage he caused the relationship.

As a mum of kids who have gone through a divorce because of his infidelity, some of this is normal.
It's been 10 years here and sometimes the kids mention "poor dad" then correcting themselves because they know that his choices led to things being the way they are today.
As for the wishing that they spent the day with dad- that is rude. They are old enough to know that they shouldn't have said to you even if they really thought that. Are they quite immature? Chances are if they spent the day with him, they'd want some calm with you.
It doesn't matter that they think you should have forgiven him. They don't know what your relationship is really like and their understanding of adult relationships is minimal. I thought I knew what I'd do if my husband cheated on me but when it happened, I did the opposite. If your kids are quite immature then they'd prefer that you forgave because it makes their life easier and not because that's best for you.

@Bouledepetanque

I think it's your DH's job in all this to grow up, humbly call your children, tell them that no matter how charming he seems to them that he monumentally fucked up and he fully supports their mother for taking as long as she needs, perhaps FOREVER, to recover from what damage he caused the relationship.

I will ask him to do this.