My sister just doesn't like me- right?

[missalice82]

Hi everyone I’m new here!
My sister and I are in our late 30s. I’m nearly 3 years older. Before she and her partner moved to my city in 2019 we didn’t really keep in touch but since she’s been in town we have shared a friendship group and until June this year we used to catch up regularly for coffee, most of the time me contacting her.

When we did catch up she would talk about her job and her partner to me but wouldn’t ask much, if anything about my life.

It seemed like we were getting along but I wanted her to ask me about my life sometimes so I let her know that in June this year, but she just said she thought I was always free to talk about my life if I wanted to. But that wasn’t the point - I wanted her to be interested enough to ask.

Anyway in June I had booked a few days staying with my parents in their city and my sister and her partner decided to come to stay with them too. The dynamic was weird for me because I felt like an add-on stuck between two couples but I was trying not to blame them for that.

One day in the car with my parents driving my sister and I had a fight. She was complaining about new conditions at her work and I was unsympathetic and said I still think she is in a good position. She was very hurt and said I lacked compassion but I don’t, it’s just that she’s a lot more successful than me financially so I don’t really understand why she is complaining. I didn’t see her much before she went home a day or two later.

I went home a day or two after her and when I got home I texted her to say I was sorry we had argued, I wanted us to be friends etc. She said something similar over text.

I then waited for her to contact me - I thought from now on I will only contact her if she has contacted me - I really want her to do 50% of the calling.

Well anyway nearly 8 weeks later she hasn’t contacted me once.

I texted our friendship group chat to invite them all to my house on Sunday as it’s my birthday next week and I like to do something to celebrate. So she’s coming on Sunday. I texted her to ask her to bring my fat clothes she borrowed back when she comes and she said she would, that was a week ago. I phoned her tonight to ask her to help with the entertaining and she said she would, but she seemed cold and the call was as a bit distant.

I know I was only calling because I want something, but I still took the time to talk to her and thank her for agreeing to help me.

I must admit I’m fed up of doing all the running in this relationship. I want us to be friends and each make an effort to keep in touch with the other person, but it strikes me she just doesn’t want to. It seems like she just doesn’t like me.

Admittedly we are very different people but I thought we got along well. I am starting to think she was faking it and just going out with me because Mum has always strongly encouraged us to be friends (her sisters live overseas and she misses them).

Am I reading this right?

Should I just give up hope of me and my sister being friends?

Love to hear your thoughts!!

Well paid people are allowed to be annoyed about changes at work too.

I think you are in the dangerous position of now looking out for issues, can you plaster on a smile, be friendly and enjoy Sunday? See how things are?

This reads like a reverse.
If it is, then there’s no point because you’re still giving your side of the story.
If it’s not, then it sounds like you just don’t get on well 🤷🏻‍♀️. Not everyone does. She’s entitled to moan about work… being paid a lot doesn’t take away any issues.

Just to make it clear I'm not saying she isn't allowed to moan about changes or issues in her work, but I just didn't really see what she was talking about as a big problem. Please don't dwell on that - there is a bigger issue here - that was just an example to explain what we fought about.

I think you need to accept that you and your sister will probably never get on. I would bother making more of an effort if it's only returned by awkwardness and coldness.

I think there's always a proactive one and a reactive one in any friendship. I feel like you do sometimes but I've resolved the situation in my own mind by just backing off. If someone wants to contact me, the onus is on them to do so.

From the info you have given, you’re not coming out of this looking good.

You should selfish and fixated on the relationship working FOR you and making sure it’s fair rather than just flowing with the natural ebb and flow of relationships.

It also sounds like she is stubborn.

Perhaps a more frank conversation is needed?

This dynamic started in your childhood.

What was childhood like for you growing up with your parents?. Was one of you noticeably more favoured?. Did either parent here show favourism towards your sister or you, was one of you given an easier time of it?. These may all be reasons as to why your sister behaves as she does now. I am not saying she is right and there is right and wrong on both sides here.

@Atalune

From the info you have given, you’re not coming out of this looking good.

You should selfish and fixated on the relationship working FOR you and making sure it’s fair rather than just flowing with the natural ebb and flow of relationships.

I'm absolutely keen on making sure it's fair but I don't think that's selfish. I have done most of the running in this relationship as I outlined so I don't understand why you are calling me selfish? Am I supposed to do all the work forever?

@AttilaTheMeerkat

This dynamic started in your childhood.

What was childhood like for you growing up with your parents?. Was one of you noticeably more favoured?. Did either parent here show favourism towards your sister or you, was one of you given an easier time of it?. These may all be reasons as to why your sister behaves as she does now. I am not saying she is right and there is right and wrong on both sides here.

My sister was the favourite for most of my childhood and teenage years. My parents say they love us both equally and claimed to try very hard to be fair but in my opinion their actions told a different story.

I'm sensing there might be some jealousy issues on your side, and I think your sister might be picking up on it as well.

It would perhaps be worth having an honest conversation with her and telling her how you feel. (Not at your party, though ) You need to clear the air.

Clearly it was quite a heated argument as it appears you didn't apologise until much later (via text) after the holiday. Maybe things were said that will be hard to come back from. You then didn't contact each other for 2 months.

In fact, I get the impression your were a bit off about your sister and partner "deciding to come and stay" when you visited your parents?
You say it made an odd dynamic? I think there's some sibling rivalry and jealousy going on (?) an example is your resentment of her higher earnings.

She might also be annoyed that after being invited as a guest to your party, she is now being expected to host it with you?

I think you both have issues with each other that you don't seem able to verbalise.

Remember, you've only just reconnected after years of no contact. It'll take time to build back a bond and I doubt you'll ever be best friends like sisters are in the movies!

This is why she behaves as she does towards you now. You both grew up in a family unit that could be in itself emotionally unhealthy. Your perception of favouritism towards her is very different from that of your sister's and you both have quite different perceptions of childhood.

Do you regard yourself even now as less favoured re your parents?.

Their actions towards you both in childhood has certainly played a part in damaging your relationship towards each other and it may never be fully repaired. Where there is a power imbalance between siblings perceived injustices are often behind it.

Honesty and transparency from both of you towards the other is needed re your parents and what is was like for both of you growing up. People generally don’t say horrible, spiteful things unless they feel rotten themselves.

What do you want to say to her?. How you would like things to continue, what you really feel about her?. Allow space for her to respond; potential resolution comes from both parties being heard. You may well also get anger and denial as a response from your sister. Look more closely at your boundaries re your sister too; what behaviours will you accept and not accept from her?.

People often base their opinion of others on what they think that person thinks of them. If you knew that, deep down, your sister loved you, how would you respond?.

I would also say that if further approaches do not help resolve the issues in your relationship and or she reacts with hostility, it is ok to walk away. You've tried.

You sound a little demanding for someone in their late 30s!
I think I'd back off and give her some space.
Sounds like you expect/want different things of each other. Maybe you're just not that compatible.

If someone was insisting I called etc I would be like Well now I don't feel like doing it. Especially the kind of person who implies I should be counting my blessings when I'm complaining about work. There are mothers for that and they're annoying enough. Then you remind her that she has your fat clothes(!!!) and give her jobs for your birthday. Yet this is chalked up as a kindness from you because you said thank you. Meanwhile she's in the bad books despite not being a guest at your birthday celebration because she hasn't felt like calling you.

Oh dear.

I think the fact you were unsypathetic about her work problems are relevant - you wouldn't have mentioned that fight if it wasn't. And if that is an example of how you see her then it looks like you may be pushing her awy unintentionally. She was confiding that she's stressed / anxious about a work problem and you dismissed it as irrelevant - effectively saying she was making it up. You say that as she is more succesful than you financially she shouldn't complain. That makes no sense at all. Higher paid jobs are often higher paid because they come with more hours / more stress etc. And it is perfectly normal to confide such things with your family.

I'm also not sure about waiting to be asked about how you are. It is possible your sister is self-centred (in which case that's just how she is) but I couldn't tell you if my sister asked how I was when we last met, or if I asked her. We just talked, shared what we wanted to share. I know some people are just more one-way than that, which can be rude, but you're unlikely to change that if that's the case.

It feels as though you see yourself as being hard done-to (she has the higher paid job / other half) and I think you may project this to her.

I know it's easy to say, but see if you can lighten up a bit. Enjoy your party. Don't watch out for mistakes she might make. Appreciate that she also has worries and problems, just the same as you. Enjoy her company without expectations. She may relax a little too.

I feel your pain. My sister and I never got along. She is 8 years older than me but even as children she just never seemed to warm to me. I think she did not want a younger sister as it took some of the attention away from her. When we were adults she always spoke down to me and made me feel not quite good enough. When my mum had Alzeimhers we all had POA I asked my brother and sister if I could borrow £150 to cover emergency child cover. She said no and to go to Social Services and ask for the money. My mum had about £60,000+ in the bank so she did it just to be spiteful even though her nephew was about 7 at the time.

When my mum died we had an argument and she has refused to see me or speak to me since. I don't think you can do anything tbh. Just have to accept your sisters decision and try and move on. I hope it all works out for you🙏🙏

I get it but some people just aren't like that even when they are raised within the same family, especially if there is already a family member who does all the running/organising/keeping in touch it's easy to get a bit lazy/complacent/caught up in life

I think you are dwelling on it a bit too much. You won't change her now, you'll just have to put up with being the one who arranges keeping in contact if you do want to maintain a relationship with her

My sister is a little like this with me, she believes I'm the 'favourite' and is really hypersensitive to any perceived unfairness in the way our mum treats us. She also kind of monitors how interested I am in her and how much effort I make with her, its quite exhausting really. One special family occasion she stomped off crying and when we asked what the matter was she was apparently upset that I never take an interest in her. I feel that I do, but like your sister, I tend to talk about my stuff and leave room for her to talk about hers. She doesn't ask me about my life because I volunteer the information. I get the sense that she's holding back waiting for me to ask which feels unnatural and sets a sort of level of expectation from her that I never seem to measure up to. I'm not sure what she wants from me to feel happy with our relationship. Basically, she's high maintenance in comparison to my other family relationships and friendships. If I were you I would step back from it, relax and stop analysing the relationship, let it play out naturally in whatever way. Her knowing you feel she isn't interested might be making her feel awkward around you.

Is there a part of you that feels miffed from your childhood that your sister has 'everything' and you have 'nothing'? Do you have a partner?
Is there a touch of the 'it's alright for you, you have x, y and z.......what about me? Nobody cares about me'?
You feel your sister has 'no right' to give out about any part of her life because she doesn't understand how difficult life is for you. No one does.
But thing is, you don't feel comfortable opening up about your difficulties either do you? So that leaves you a bit isolated and stuck.
You can't risk the vulnerability of breaking down in front of your sister and telling her you can't cope with life's shite.
If you don't ring her she'll presume that you don't feel like talking to anyone.
But you are testing her without her knowledge to see does she 'care'.
People are not mindreaders. A part of you already feels the relationship is unequal and that she needs to care more, because when you are in her company a feeling creeps in that you deserve 'more' caring.
In reality this stems from your own childhood feelings about being abandoned or just 'left'. You want people to show outward displays of caring, yet at the same time you find it hard to be emotionally vulnerable with people including your sister.
You tend to rely on your own thoughts to be your best friend and that's all fine, but the fact that your inner voice isn't a real person doesn't cut it all the time.
You feel shut out by the fact that she has a partner, similarly with your parents.
Family means a lot to you and you'd love to have a family of your own, but this enduring sense of injustice preoccupies you.
We aren't hearing much about your life in your posts, we are only hearing about the world's injustices towards you.
Maybe you could try therapy to find out what will help you feel contented and how you will achieve that in your life. Your sister may be bearing the brunt of this anger against the world because you've nowhere else to take it.

@OliveToboogie your siblings would have been breaking the law to allow you to take your mum's money for your own benefit. There are strick rules in place regarding POA to stop financial abuse.

It was to borrow it for a few days. Believe me it was done to be a bxxxx but thank you for your comment.

I think you are expecting your sister to be just like you, and judging her by your standards. Perhaps if you didn't get in touch with someone, it would mean you had an issue/ didn't like them. Maybe she's more relaxed about it. My relationship with my sister is a bit like this. She's always made more effort, and it's great, but I don't need that to have a close relationship. If she needs it, she can initiate it. She's generally very good at initiating, organising and making a lot of effort to meet up, with friends and family. That's the way she is. I'm not that way really, but it doesn't mean I don't value our relationship or enjoy it when we do something, it's just less of a priority for me.

I did think you sound a bit emotionally high maintenance in your OP eg. Feeling like the odd of one out of 2 couples when one of them was your parents and the other was your sister and her DP. Maybe her DP felt left out as the only non family member! (Or maybe he was just fine, if he's emotionally secure). See what I mean? Not saying you're seeing for feeling that way. I'm sure there are things in your character and life which have created this, but you need some self awareness to know it and then deal with it.

I've sisters and some I get on better with than others. The ones that I get along with as adults, the key is that we behave as close friends with each other rather than siblings.

The one that I don't get on with still treats me like a sibling she can say or do whatever she feels like with because it's family. She would never dream of treating her best friends the way she treats me. Things like taking my stuff, or arranging to meet and blowing me off for something better, being bossy, being pushy and those sort of things.

Now, that was standard when we were kids, all growing up together and sharing rooms we had no choice but to put up with each other but as an adult, I've a choice now and frankly my standards of what behaviour towards me that I'm willing to accept has strengthened over the years.

The only thing we have in common is that we came from the same uterus really. I find her manipulative, materialistic, selfish and very judgemental. She's also hilarious and terrific fun and can be very charming but unfortunately if I was to pick someone as a friend, the former traits she has would rule them out.

It's an odd one. I joke that I'd never lend her my nice handbag but I'd give her a kidney in a heartbeat if she needed one.

So maybe consider how you treat each other as adult people - not just sisters, but as friends? Do you treat her as good as your bestie? If not, why is that? It gave me an awful lot of clarity when I figured that one out.