Affairs - How Long Before the Pain Goes?

[BadlyHurt]

I am a regular but do not wish my dh to see this.

Dh cheated 4 years ago, almost to the date. I was pregnant at the time.

I had no clue he was spending time with another until I received a text telling me [from her] that my dh did not want to be with me, he then waited until I had given birth to dd then told me every detail.

He done it because I told him I did not love him as he was hurting me in other ways at the time. I asked him to leave, so I could think through my feelings, he did, she was there waiting.

We have had counselling. I love him but I am unsure if I will ever forgive him.

I cannot drive through the Town she lives in as it makes me feel ill and it is all I can do to stop myself seeking her out and doing bad things to her.

Every time I pass where she lives I think about this.

I still talk to my dh about it but he sighs and says "it was nothing"....

It was more of a friendship than a sexual affair but the pain is still bad.

The ache in the pit of my stomach is still there after all this time.

Will it ever go?

Or do I split up my family and find someone else who would never treat me like this?

[LittleGoldfish]

I am in need on some psychotherapy myself (have a few past issues) but I am too embarrassed to go to my GP about it - not sure if it is available on the NHS.

Good Luck.

[mellowma]

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[moljam]

BadlyHurt thats just it i dont cope!especially on a rare night out recently-one of first since 'that night'.i got majorly drunk as i thought id cope with bumping into her if i did with bit of drink in me-how wrong i was.i didnt say anything to her just made bitchy comments all night which although isnt too bad,isnt like me.and felt crap for ages after.

[CountessDracula]

Best to get a referral if you can
Do you know anyone who knows anyone?

You have to decide for yourself whether you can bear his imperfections. No-one is perfect. Only you can decide if you can live with it and therapy will help you with that.

It should also help you stop fixating on her. She is, after all, not the one who betrayed you - he is.

The fact that you still love him after 4 years of feeling like this is a good starting point

[ggglimpopo]

CD 6 come on my recipe thread and INSPIRE me

Apols for hijack

I think you should go for counselling by yourself btw, to the op, to help you come to terms (or perhaps decide to call it a day) with what has ahppened.

[mellowma]

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[CountessDracula]

will do GGG

AGree you need therapy of your own not with him

[mellowma]

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[HappyWoman]

Hi
I know exactly how you feel. We are working through his affair and the counsellor and various friends have said i need to move on. If i knew how to i would. It is getting easier and i think i too love him more than i hate her or the affair, which must be why i am still here.
Some days i hate myself for letting this happen i too thought i would not tolerate him doing that to me. but like you i have a family that i do not want to tear apart.
I too still have thoughts of revenge that i dont think i want to really carry out. I regret not slapping her in the first instance as i think it may have helped me and i think she may have been out of my life by now. She still works with h so i am still constantly reminded of her.

I am sure she is hurting too but that does not make it better. i think it is only human nature to want to see justice for yourself and to know that they have been punished.

I can see as i am sure you can too his pain and so i am able to forgive him. but she has never said sorry and i still cant believe that anyone can hurt someone so much and then just move on with their life. becuase she knew what she was doing as well he did. My counsellor says that she owes me nothing but i just cant accept that and maybe it is the same for you.

You obviously still have some pain and anger that really 'belongs' to her but it is how you get rid of it forever that is the key, to it. if she were to just acknowlege that pain and hurt she has caused then it may be easier to move on.

Hope this has helped and hope you find the peace you deserve, you are wonderful person for not ripping your family apart please remember that.

[Baffy]

I think the pain can only begin to lessen once you have really dealt with the issues.

You've done the hard bit in asking (and hearing) every bit of detail about what they did. We all do that.

The next step is to process what you have heard in order to come to terms with it. Then you leave it behind and focus on the future.

I really think that you stopped after the first (hardest) bit, and have buried the rest of your feelings in an attempt to move on.

I'm assuming that things are better now, he's proved he loves you, you understand why it happened, and he just wants to pretend it never occured in the first place?

I think you need individual counselling. Not to dredge up the past in terms of why it happened. Or for reassurance from him. It sounds like you've done all that.

You need counselling to help you learn how to forgive and move on, and at the very least, to help you decide if you are capable of forgiving and moving on. Nobody would blame you if you decided it was too difficult. So be kind to yourself. Get the help and support you need.

[mellowma]

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[CountessDracula]

You musn't worry about blubbing in front of gp/therapist
or in fact at all

[mellowma]

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[overdraft]

Hi Badlyhurt

I am 2 and a half years on from his affair now. The fact that you two are together still does count for alot. I wish there was a magic pill that we could take to take the pain away, I really do.
The woman he had the affair with was a friend and lived next door. I know what you mean about having to drive past where they live. I have to do it as we didn't move that far away. I ,ake myself go other ways mostly and not torture myself. Sometimes it can't be avoided. Like the places that I know they met up. Makes me feel sick still sometimes.
I don't belive the pain does go away ever but it get easier. In away I don't want to forget what a shit he was because now I feel so lucky as he is totally diffrent. He wouldn't still be here if he wasn't.
This thing you have about hurting the other woman. I beat our friend up. Not proud of it and never done anything like that before. It really didn't take the pain away. What did help was talking to her afterwards. The best way you can get your own back really is to forget this woman and get on with your life. It was your husband that cheated on you,he was married to you and made a commitment to you, not her.
I know mostly all the details of what went on though. I had to know. Actually I think I found out too much. I saw her phone and all his texts to her, It is still very painful. I hardly recognised my dh.
Your DH is with you now and I hope he knows how lucky he is

[overdraft]

My name is very much like hers and when people first meet me they often call me it by mistake.

[mellowma]

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[maturer]

Hi all,
4 years for me too, the anniversary of the day he told me (had no clue) and my world fell apart- has just passed.

I think i've seen and spoken to a few of you on threads before. Just wanted to say that we are still together and closer and stronger having tackled this together.
We still have to talk about it every now and then and have learned that YOU HAVE TO FACE it, you can't just bury the feelings, they fester and come out in other ways- you'll know it....like when he makes you cross about something not important but suddenly you make all the emotional connections to anger/pain ( after all there was a peroid when you learned that emotion inside out) and the not important turns into a huge thing, then you realise you still have issues to tackle, the anger/pain is infact about what happended over the affair.

I went to counselling- so did he- we both needed to get our heads straight. I popped back for a few sessions about a year on and then about 2.5 years on - i felt stuck- it felt destructive and stopping me moving on. it very much helped.

i am sure you will never totally forget the pain- after all you cannot take away knowledge- what you do have to do is make sense of it all.

I think only when all the issues have been vented can you slowly in tiny steps move forward. No it's not good to keep looking back but you do every once in a while have to open that chapter again to make sense of it in the context of where you are now.

There is no shame in seeking professional help to deal with overwhelming emotions- if your car goes wrong you don't hesitate to see a professional- why not when your thinking/heart is in pain. In fact i believe it takes strength to seek help because it shows you want to move on and you know deep down you are not dealing with things well.

I looked in the yellow pages- wnet to a couple before I felt comfortable with the counsellor i stayed with. Don't regret it for a minute. My dh also learned a great deal about himslef from couselling and then set about righting the wrongs he'd done as far as he could.

It is normal to still have pain and you are recognising you need help...tiny steps each day- look at now and the future not dwell on then, but do glimps then to make sense of it. Good luck

[mellowma]

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[JinglyJangly]

Mellowma hope you get counselling soon as it sounds like you can't put the past out of your mind . I would probably be exactly like you to.

Good Luck and keep us posted.

[mellowma]

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[VictorianSqualor]

mellowma, when I was cheated on, I wasn't able to forgive, I left my exp and that was that, I actually caught him with some random girl and totally ignored her but kicked off bigtime at him.

I don't know what advice to give, because I didn't have a good relationship with him anyway, there wasn't really anything worth saving.

I just couldn't read this and not say anything, we've spoken a few times (I used to be Lorayn) and couldn't ingore the thread.
I hope you get some help.

[mellowma]

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[mellowma]

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[Baffy]

Is he still making just as much effort mellowma? Do you feel happy with him? (Aside from the obvious)

You don't need that pressure from your parents though as if you don't know that already!

Think about you. You've tried so so hard to get over this and you're struggling. That's absolutely not your fault. You didn't deserve for any of this to happen.

Have you made any progress with finding a counsellor? Or are you going to try via your GP?

[mellowma]

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