Affairs - How Long Before the Pain Goes?

[BadlyHurt]

I am a regular but do not wish my dh to see this.

Dh cheated 4 years ago, almost to the date. I was pregnant at the time.

I had no clue he was spending time with another until I received a text telling me [from her] that my dh did not want to be with me, he then waited until I had given birth to dd then told me every detail.

He done it because I told him I did not love him as he was hurting me in other ways at the time. I asked him to leave, so I could think through my feelings, he did, she was there waiting.

We have had counselling. I love him but I am unsure if I will ever forgive him.

I cannot drive through the Town she lives in as it makes me feel ill and it is all I can do to stop myself seeking her out and doing bad things to her.

Every time I pass where she lives I think about this.

I still talk to my dh about it but he sighs and says "it was nothing"....

It was more of a friendship than a sexual affair but the pain is still bad.

The ache in the pit of my stomach is still there after all this time.

Will it ever go?

Or do I split up my family and find someone else who would never treat me like this?

[nooka]

I'd really second the idea of following up on your councelling. I found that spending time on me really strengthened my inner resources and enabled me to let go all sorts of resentments and angers. I found that this went beyond the immediate pain of the affair to all sorts of other issues from my past, and helped me understand myself better. I think that through that I was able to change some of the pattern of things with dh, because I think that you have to look beyond the affair to the reasons for the affair in order to bring healing to your relationship. I think it's been about four years since dh's affair. We spent about six months being very angry/upset then another six months or so working things through a bit, and then had a big row when dh said he'd never be good enough and then he decided to move out. Two years down the line we are back to being best friends and dh is moving home this Christmas prior to us all moving to North America in spring. I don't think about the affair much any more, and dh and I can now joke about it, but of course it is part of our history (along with all that's happened in the last 17 years).

[mellowma]

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[HappyWoman]

Hi again

Hope you are feeling better now.

Just like others have said just remember he is with you now and has been for some time. It may be that you had him back for the wrong reasons - i think we will all recognise the 'winning' at all costs, but you need to know that this relationship is for you. Dont be too hard on yourself and give yourself time to heal completely, there is no rule book on how to do this we all have to learn through trail and error and look for support where we can.

I get great comfort out of knowing there are so many others who have gone through this and are so much stronger. Although i would never wish the pain on anyone i do feel i now know myself so much better and although there is a lot of saddness from both me and h i do believe our relationship is in some ways better now.

Thankyou maturer you were such a strengh to me in my dark times - about a year ago now. I am still learning and your experience is so valuable - i am learning to get through this and the times between the down days are getting longer and i am somehow feeling calmer all the time.

[JinglyJangly]

Mellowma - can't believe the cheeky bitch had the cheek to laugh down the phone at you . She is obviously a nasty piece of work.

Any woman that carries on with a married man whos wife has a baby on the way well- words can't describe these women.

The main thing is, your DH knows he made a HUGE mistake but he chose you over her and as hard as it is you have to move on.

[VictorianSqualor]

I agree with frosty, to keep bringing it up is only going to torture you, and I would assume that is why your DH says 'It was nothing', because (hopefully) he doesn't want to hurt you anymore.
I hope you can put this behind you at least for long enough to enjoy christmas.
Sometimes we all fuck up, but I'd say the last four years show he knows he made a mistake and that he does love you.

[frostythesnowmum]

I think you need to have a good long think about what you want to know and all your questions and then you have to ask you dh for a long discussion about this where you are able to ask any question you need to and he agrees to answer them all fully and honestly. Then you have to agree to lay the matter to rest. No more weekly questions or comments. Give yourself 6 months without this constant reinforcement of your hurt regarding his affair and see how you feel then. It may be that you need counciling, it maybe that you have moved on or it maybe that you need time apart. One thing for sure going over the same thing time and time again is neither healthy nor helpful and could end up driving a bigger wedge between you than the initial affair did. I don't think it is possible to totally forgive in these situations but to move on it is necessary to forget iykwim.

[mellowma]

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[overdraft]

Mello no wonder you still feel the way you do. You haven't had time to deal with all this as you have had a new baby. Glad you went to the GP though.
I had to laugh at the things you done to get your own back - I know it's not really funny- on her.Does it make you giggle a little now?
I put wanted style posters up around where we lived. these said "Beware of this woman.She will pretend to be your friend, while she steals your husband". Doing things like ripping her binbags open and writing bitch on her car in the early days really got me through. I never dreamed I would react like that in a million years.

[mellowma]

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[Baffy]

You will get through this I'm sure. And you at least have the chance to try and save the relationship and a husband who realises what an idiot he has been and is making an effort to put things right. Everyone makes mistakes. And this was one massive mistake! But if he's learnt from it and you are able to forgive and move on, then I'm sure you'll have a stronger marriage in the end xx

[mellowma]

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[Baffy]

Yes I think they all got to 1000 posts

There were a few of us going through it at the same time. We still keep in touch (thread in relationships called Fab&Glam). Some are back with their H's and some aren't. (Come and join us if you want to.)

I'm definitely on my way to being happier. I am seeing a new man and things with H are amicable.

Had a little setback last week as I discovered he'd been lying again (said he wants to be alone and doesn't want marriage/fatherhood/responsibility) but I found out he has a new girlfriend who has a child. Threw me into a bit of a spin realising he does want all of that, just not with me!

So I served him the divorce papers this week.

I'm devastated. But in the long run I know it's for the best. He's treated me very badly (understatement!), and NM treats me like a princess and gives me hope for the future. I am actually looking forward to Christmas and the New Year (never thought I'd hear myself saying that!). So things are getting better

I still have the low points though. And the memories. And the overwhelming sadness at the end of my marriage.
My counsellor is fantastic. (As well as all the support on here!)

[mellowma]

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[Baffy]

Thanks

I had some (very) long threads on here (as mylittlestar) and I think the support from here is what got me through

But I would still have given anything to have the chance to save the marriage. That's why I support you so much in what you're trying to do. The sad thing is that my H didn't stick around or give us that chance. But your H has. And you no longer have to feel that pain of rejection. He chose you. He realised what a fool he'd been. That's the main thing. At least now you have the choice whether you can cope and get through this. I wish you all the luck in the world.

[mellowma]

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[Baffy]

mellowma I took H back and he left (3 more times) and went back to her

after the 4th time we both knew it couldn't carry on and he got his own place, but it's still devastating

I'm living in the same place. 2 roads away from this woman. (At my mums house as H sold our house before I knew about his affair, and then left me at my mums and wouldn't go through with the purchase of the new one )

[Baffy]

FWIW I am seeing a counsellor through my GP. I waited 2 weeks from my referral, then rang the surgery and asked to speak to the counsellor directly. When she called me back I just explained that I was very keen to see her and wanted to check that she had definitely received my referral and I was on her waiting list.

They said it can take up to 10 weeks.

I think she rang me back within 3 weeks with a cancellation, and she's seen me every week or two since.

It really does help.

[mellowma]

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[Baffy]

Don't be angry with yourself.

Even when the signs are right in front of your nose you can't see them. Because you love and trust with all of your heart, and you don't believe for a minute that the person you love could do this.

My H left this time last year. He'd come and go for days at a time. He was staying with his OW who live 2 roads away from where I was with ds! I passed her road on the way to work every day!
I never suspected a thing. I believed his head was in a mess and he needed space.

What I'm trying to say is it is absolutely not your fault and you are not naive.

You're doing an amazing thing in trying to forgive him.

[mellowma]

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[Baffy]

Is he still making just as much effort mellowma? Do you feel happy with him? (Aside from the obvious)

You don't need that pressure from your parents though as if you don't know that already!

Think about you. You've tried so so hard to get over this and you're struggling. That's absolutely not your fault. You didn't deserve for any of this to happen.

Have you made any progress with finding a counsellor? Or are you going to try via your GP?

[mellowma]

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[mellowma]

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[VictorianSqualor]

mellowma, when I was cheated on, I wasn't able to forgive, I left my exp and that was that, I actually caught him with some random girl and totally ignored her but kicked off bigtime at him.

I don't know what advice to give, because I didn't have a good relationship with him anyway, there wasn't really anything worth saving.

I just couldn't read this and not say anything, we've spoken a few times (I used to be Lorayn) and couldn't ingore the thread.
I hope you get some help.

[mellowma]

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