I’ve been dumped

[Ricekrispiess]

Hi all,
Please go gentle on me I’ve been having a really tough time in this lockdown. Cut a long story short, been arguing a lot with (now ex) DP. About once a week - over really silly things. I told him I had been feeling really depressed with this lockdown, and during the convo he said “your completely different today compared to Wednesday”. I took offence to this, as I felt he was implying I can’t have different moods on different days. I am a editable atm feeling like a caged animal and said back “well if you don’t like it then F off”. He proceeded to pack his stuff and leave. He goes home and likes a girls provocative photo n Instagram. This is a boundary for me, my ex cheated via social media and he knows this. Don’t mind liking girls photos who are your friend, but provocative pics triggers bad memories for me and he knows this. My ex was very abusive and would deliberately try to make me feel insecure my getting his phone and pointing out girls and comparing me to them. It really took its toll on me and I considered suicide at the time cos I felt so worthless. So when I first got with dp I explained this is a boundary for me, I don’t mind liking friends pics etc but provocative pics is a trigger for me. Anyways I ended up letting it slide that DP liked this provocative pic, as he was drunk and thought we were over. Then on Valentine’s Day we had a little bicker over nothing and he ended things with me, but told me he said it in the heat of the moment and took it back soon after. Said he did want to be with me. Still done damage to me and made me feel insecure. At the start of our relationship, I found out DP had “”liked” this other girls provocative photo on Instagram when we first got together, I asked him who she was, he said a friend. So at that point I explained how my ex had been very emotionally manipulative and abusive making me jealous and insecure on purpose with other girls on Instagram in a way to control me, and it was a boundary of mine going forward. When we were talking the other day and I was opening up more about my past abusive relationship, the subject got brought up again. He admitted that the girl who’s pic he liked is not actually a friend, but a girl he slept with a couple years ago. I was quite miffed why he’d lie, and he said it was early doors and he didn’t want to put me off. He ended up deleting this girl off Instagram for which I was grateful. Fast forward a week, had a brilliant night Friday and drink was involved and he took something I said the wrong way. He then told me today it’s for the best that we split up. I’ve obviously told my best friend he’s split up with me, and she went on Instagram and said he had blocked her. I thought that was weird. Call it gut instinct but I have an account for DD and went on it to see and noticed he’d followed this girl again. This girl he slept with 2 years ago?? I just don’t understand why he’d do this and it’s made me feel really really insecure. This is a girl who’s he’s not spoken to in 2 years but as soon as he splits with me he adds her on Instagram. It just makes me feel like I’m never good enough and wonder what’s the point

[RuggeryBuggery]

I’m sorry I also didn’t read the whole thing b perhaps he was hurt at being told to fuck off and leave, and did as you said.
I wouldn’t want to stay around if someone spoke to me like that whatever they might be going through.
Either way it doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship

[NoBetterthanSheShouldBe]

You told him to fuck off. Then you want to monitor what he does after he’s gone.
Then you get together, then you split, then you’re back together.

This isn’t enough to build a relationship on. I’d be considering my options too if I were him.

[roundtable]

Keep him as an ex op and change your therapist if if you can. You sound like you need to focus on you and your self worth for a while.

[user1491404899]

How old are you?

As others have said you told him to fuck off and he did!

Also stalking his Instagram to see who he liked.....you need to stop.

I think you need to sort out your issues before being in a relationship.

[Ricekrispiess]

@maddening

Far too much drama.

You need to address your previous relationship on your own to achieve closure and not drag.it in to future relationships.

What was the abuse in the previous relationship other than the showing you social media pics?

My ex used to get pictures on his phone of girls and say things like “why can’t you look like that”, then would mock me for my features and portion control my food. I was made to stand on the scales every Monday night and he’d take picture of my weight and write up a chart logging it. When he cooked, if I ate it all he would tell me afterwards he’d spat in my food. Once he hit me and I tried to stop him and he bent my finger back and broke it. He would forward on pictures of girls on his Instagram and make comments about how he was going to sleep with them. He’d do this every other day but was so nice on the days he didn’t do that. I feel like I have no self esteem anymore and I’m worthless. I am always snappy and angry cos I hate myself.

[Suzi888]

He’s a man child and he enjoys deliberately hurting you. He will carry on in this pattern, leave him in the past and chalk it up to experience. Don’t let him hurt you again, you deserve better.

[EveryDayIsADuvetDay]

It's ended - sounds like a lucky escape.
Stop stalking him on social media

[Sonicbloom]

I don’t check my dh’s social media - no idea if he’s even on Instagram etc! However, if I was to come across him liking or commenting on an ex’s provocative picture (esp if he lied and said it was just a friend and then changed the story) I wouldn’t be happy either. He knows your backstory and continued to stay with you and chose to cross your boundary lines multiple times. He’s an arse. Don’t go back to him any more.
Perhaps you need to also change therapy ie if you are doing talking therapy change to cbt, or hypnosis or some other therapy to try to tackle your past and improve your future relationships so you’re not as on edge. Good luck

[Boho7]

@chocolateorangeinhaler

So you had a bad experience with one guy now every guy after must pay ?
On some level you need to accept what happened and find a way of moving on. Having a 'poor me' pity part is narcissistic and very unhealthy for you mentally.
An old cliche maybe but try and find a hobby or something to do that isn't social media based. Delete, insta, fb, Twitter. They will all make you feel awful.
One day you will suddenly have a realization that your ok on your own and don't need someone to be someone.

This exactly!

[Fireflygal]

I'm sorry you feel low, lockdown is hard atm, stick with therapy or if not working for you try some books relating to attachment styles. It's probadly best to remain single as poor relationships can exacerbate MH issues. Give yourself time to be single and focus on yourself and daughter.

I took offence to this, as I felt he was implying I can’t have different moods on different days

I don't think he's unreasonable to point out if you appear to have different moods as it can be difficult for a partner to cope with. Telling him to fuck off isn't helpful and not respectful to the relationship. This is something you should take responsibility for.

[BigFatLiar]

Yep, you told him to go and he did, mission achieved.

Sounds like you need some time on your own to sort yourself out.

[DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult]

Your ex has cut you, and now you're bleeding all over your new relationship.

Its not fair to control and punish someone else because you lacked control in a different relationship.

This ending is an absolute blessing. You need to work on yourself and get yourself to a healthy place where your self esteem doesn't rely on what someone else thinks or does before you start dating again.

[Isadora2007]

I was shocked to read you had a child old enough for Instagram as I was assuming you were early twenties yourselves.
You need to engage with your therapy more and work on your self image and worth. You said you had boundaries about social media but then actually you didn’t uphold those boundaries. So without enforcing them- boundaries are useless.
It doesn’t sound like a happy relationship- but if you’re not happy within yourself no one will ever be able to “make” you happy and that’s what you need to work on in therapy.
Wishing you all the best- but let this one go. And invest in yourself.

[Kintsuji]

@Ricekrispiess

Thank you for the ones who have went gentle on me. Sad thing is I’ve been in therapy for over a year and it just hasn’t helped me. I wonder what’s the point anymore

Could you change therapists? Often you need to find the right therapist and the right type for it to help. When I lost my brother years ago the first 3 therapists I saw didn't help. The 4th one was great and I made real progress with her from the 3rd session.

Your current relationship sounds toxic and like you'd both be better off seperating for good.

[Hellodarknessmyoldpal]

You don't sound like a match and sounds like you need someone who will make you feel more secure than this man is able to. As hard as it is right now, it is unlikely he will ever make you truly happy.

Do your best to occupy your time focussing on things that make you happiest - your DD, home? Health? A new hobby? So you can be more at peace with yourself and ready for a healthy relationship.

Imo social media is the devil and i would recommend you come off it at least for a while. If you are prone to feeling inferior or comparing yourself to others i think it will help you feel better and you can pour your time into something that will actually enhance your life. I doubt you will even miss it! Good luck

[LilyMumsnet]

Hi Op

We're sorry for what you're going through - we're going to move your thread over to our relationships topic.

[Significantown]

Really? Try being by yourself for a while. It takes a long while to heal from abusive relationships and gain trust again. Until you are ready to trist, just be you. Its okay to be alone. You might even find that you start being happy with what you see in the mirror. And stay off instagram, either to stalk your ex or for yourself. When you have low self esteem, its not a helpful place to be.

[PurpleFlower1983]

Sorry OP but this relationship doesn’t sound good for either of you so I think I agree with your ex DP that splitting up is for the best. It sounds like you can be quite controlling because of your past experiences which is understandable in a way but also that he is playing games with that too. Not a healthy relationship at all.

[PurpleFlower1983]

You need to address the issues you have from the past before you move forward into a new relationship. I say this from experience.

[Velvian]

It sounds a lot like you are defining your self worth on your attractiveness to men. I think you need to build yourself up in other areas like work, hobbies and education.

I don't think many men would like my Instagram photos (I'm not on IG), but I'm confident and generally happy.

There is no point policing a partner, it won't prevent behaviour you find unacceptable if they find it acceptable. It doesn't sound like DP is right for you.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Your ex sounds horrendous but you can’t punish other people for his behaviour.

Everyone is having a tough time in lockdown. Telling your boyfriend to fuck off, policing his social media, picking fights and getting offended just show that relationship is not for either of you and any relationship won’t be right for you until you deal with the pain caused by your horrible ex and heal enough to enter a new relationship in a healthier way.

[ThisTooShallBeFantastic]

OP I'm sorry you're struggling so much, your ex sounds horrible and yes, understandably, you've taken that trauma into your most recent relationship.

I think it's for the best that this relationship is over, too many patterns being repeated.

Aim to be single for a while and see if your therapy works better now that you have the headspace for it. It's important to break the cycle of poor relationships.

Delete social media, it's doing you no good at all.

And remember, lockdown will not go on much longer. We really are in the home straight, with spring around the corner

[gutful]

Right now your hurt at this previous relationship sounds like a gaping, raw wound.

You know when you’ll be ready for a relationship? When you don’t feel a compulsion to talk about it with a future partner, to vent or over share your relationship past because you will have put it to rest.

Could you not reframe this past relationship in your mind a bit? You could have decided to end the relationship the day he say, wanted you to step on the scales, or said he spat in your food. You decided to remain in the relationship. That was a choice. You are in control & you had the power to end it on the first day he showed you a photo of some random on Instagram & said “look like her!” - but you didn’t. Knowing you have the power & control to make decisions means that you don’t have to put up with this in future.

You’re not randomly held hostage by men who make you feel bad. You get to decide “this makes me feel shit, I want to end this” and decide to stop it.

I think your controlling behaviours are stemming from you feeling out of control & helpless. But you’re not.

To keep this wound open & festering is toxic to any future relationship. It is unfair to expect any partner to listen to you moan about an ex. It is poison to any relationship to have your partner use you as a therapist while they spill the trauma of their ex who did them wrong.

It proves you’re not over the ex & not in a healthy frame of mind to have a relationship at all.

To keep laying blame at an ex for being why you don’t have self esteem now is keeping yourself in a victim-like mentality, where you have no power to change because they “made” you feel that way.

Whereas they were abusive/dickhead & you decided to stay - do you feel no joy for having escaped that situation ? Or just feel like a victim & bitter?

I am not saying your latest boyfriend was great. Maybe he wasn’t a good one either. But it’s hard to say because your relationship was essentially poisoned by the ghost of your past relationship.

Self esteem comes from within. Use this time to work on yourself, find out what you like about yourself. If you hate yourself & think you’re no good at anything, why should it be expected that anybody else love you or think you’re great?

You are looking externally for feelings that you need to find from within.

If I were you would shelve relationships for several years & truly find out who you are & learn to enjoy your own company.

[louisejxxx]

It sounds like it’s for the best it’s over to me. In the nicest possible way OP, your post is everything about how you feel and doesn’t mention anything about how your now ex-dp feels. You mention lots of how things are triggers which is fair enough, but don’t seem to have considered that there may be some things that he finds to be deal breakers as well, and he is entitled to that too.

[autumnalrain]

OP I know you have trauma from your past but that doesn’t give you an excuse to be for lack of a better word... controlling. You need to stop stalking his Instagram.

Also, by reading this it seems like every time you do something wrong you blame it on your past or depression or ‘him taking it the wrong way’ but any time he does anything wrong ‘he’s crossing your boundaries’. What about his boundaries of not being sweared at or stalked on Instagram?