Forgiving a cheating husband

[LuciePie]

I've just found out my husband had sex with someone else a few weeks ago. He was being dodgy with his phone so I demanded to look at it and I find messages from four separate woman on it. All from the site Seeking Arrangements (which meant he was paying them.) He was still in contact with 2 of them, one of them he had slept with. The other one I messaged and she obviously didn't know he was married. He said he was doing it because he feels so isolated in lockdown, changed jobs last year and hasn't actually met any of his colleagues yet, wanted an ego boost etc etc. He seems genuinely sorry and I believe him.

I want to get through this but not sure how I can forgive and forget. We are the love of each others lives and he knows how much he's fucked up and how much is at stake.

I don't want to hear all the stories of how I should leave him, he'll do it again, your friend's sisters neighbour forgave her husband and he just did it again etc. Can anyone offer any advice on how to get through this? And if anyone has experienced a similar situation and it's all worked out?

[NeverWillIEver]

Sorry. I can't give you any advice for staying.

When he does it again, come back - then we can all help you leave.

[MizMoonshine]

@WunWun

I didn't say let your husband cheat away, it's good for you.
I said I am grateful for the experience. The experience of working through it, not the trauma of it.

Anyway, sorry for the thread derailment.

OP if you would like an ear or shoulder to lean on, my inbox is open. I know how shit you're feeling right now x

[Mischance]

He seems genuinely sorry and I believe him - this is the sentence that jumped out at me too.

Honey - he is not genuinely sorry about doing it, but about being found out.

You must muster up your pride and sense of self-worth. Even if he does not value you, you must value yourself. Your life from here on in will be one of insecurity - has he done it again? - can I trust him?- where is he tonight? - can I be sure he is where he says he is?

Truly this is no life for you to choose. And it is about choice - you have a choice: to live the rest of your life with someone who does not value you; or to gather up what is left of your self-esteem and make a new life for yourself.

You deserve to live a better life than this.

[Kintsugi16]

You obviously have your own agenda WunWun

Either you’ve been the OW and he strung you a line. You were the wife and he left or you chose to not work through it and now regret that decision. I believe you’re being spiteful to justify your own decisions.

[ThreeTwoOneBlastOff]

It’s only been a few weeks, the OP may think she knows what she wants right now but it’s still early days, you’re still going to be in shock.

I wouldn’t make any concrete decisions right now, and equally it’s ok to change your mind.

[CarolineMumsnet]

Can we remind folk to post with peace, love and talk guidelines in mind. Ta.

[wowier]

I do think it's possible to move on from an affair but it's incredibly difficult & takes a long time plus the person who cheated has to put in a lot.
It certainly will be painful though.

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

Sorry you are totally deluded about your relationship with this man. He is not the love of your life, he didn't just get drunk and shag someone he went on this site on purpose actually paying for it so he could shag other women.
The love of your life doesn't go out to hurt you, ruin your life and sleep with other women.
You are wearing rose tinted glasses of your own making you need to take them off and really look at the situation as it is.
I've done this OP. It took me 20 years to work out that the love of mine was a complete fabrication made by me in my own head.
I hope it doesn't take you that long to work it out. Its an awful waste of a life. Yours.

[Ladj]

@MizMoonshine not doing too well really but thank you I did see your mention of reddit and am going to check it out x

[Doomsdayiscoming]

Just leave him.

[MizMoonshine]

@Ladj I'm sorry to hear that :(. There's another called surviving infidelity there, too. It's a little less helpful when it comes to reconciliation, it's full of people who are angry but it's another place to share with people who are in the same boat as you, in different stages of processing their pain.

It will get better for you, either way and whatever the outcome.

[AnimalLogic]

I can forgive and forget.

You likely never will.

Can anyone offer any advice on how to get through this?

OK so you want people to lie about how this will just disappear completely and you'll live happily ever after...?

And if anyone has experienced a similar situation and it's all worked out?

Yes I have and we are still together. Not sure I'd say it worked out but as you don't want the truth about how this will go I won't waste time typing it out.

Good luck to you, you'll need it. I hope you find a way to forget and let your husband off scott free to repeat the behaviour you'll ignore because you're happy again right?

But just to add other people aren't you and can't tell you how to fix this so it's gone and you can move on. Doesn't work that way. You're either a doormat and he gets away with it or you're not. It isn't advice on how to install an oven where there's a way to do it. This is on you and how much you value yourself.. I can see how much by your opening post. You're the only one who can move on and forget it and it has to be done your way not by using instructions from someone else.

[1FootInTheRave]

I think you should work on your self esteem and self respect before working at this sham of a relationship.

The love of your life doesn't shag other women.

[KatePrice]

You might find answers through this Guardian article. Or lookup Esther Perel. I would also suggest counselling - you need to get to the bottom of why this has happened. It's usually connected to childhood. Good Luck.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/oct/28/esther-perel-the-relationship-guru-who-thinks-infidelity-isnt-all-bad

[MartiniDry]

I can tell you how to get over it. Focus solely upon what you gain from the marriage. If you can coldly up the private school fees, the luxury holidays, the car paid for by him, the 6-weekly visits to the top stylist at the top salon courtesy of him, the house upon which you pay no mortgage and become the ruthless Ice Maiden you might, just might get through this.

If he doesn't provide all that you will struggle.

Am I advocating this approach? No, but I've seen it work many a time, from the wives of personal friends through to the spouses of politicians.

[harknesswitch]

He has to want to make it work firstand foremost. Without that it will never work. He has to learn to be completely open and honest about the affair and what he's up to now. Any questions you may Have he needs to answer honestly and any questions you have for the next few years he needs to answer (and yes it will take years). You mentioned he was still in contact with 2 women one of which went of her own accord. So is he still talking to these women? If he is then I'd not bother trying to reconcile.

The problem you have is that it wasn't a drunken shag, it wasn't a friendship that got out of hand. He actively went out to cheat, he made a conscious decision. All because he was bored. Tbh, and I know you said you didn't want this, but in your shoes I'd ltb

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

An affair displays an absence of respect for you.

Paying for sex displays an absence of respect for you and an absence of respect for women in general. A belief that consent can be bought. That a woman's body has a price tag. Total misogyny.

I think people can work through affairs if both parties choose to and I'm sure sometimes it can work out ok, not great maybe but ok.

I can't fathom the point, however, of trying to work things out with a man who shows a lack of respect for women and a strong display of misogyny by paying for sex.

You don't have to make any immediate decisions, other than an STI test, but please do consider what this behaviour says about how your husband views women. And whether you can bear the thought of spending the rest of your life with someone who holds those views.

[Okokokbear]

I started a new job in lockdown and haven't met my colleagues in person yet. I have not paid for sex outside of my relationship. Just saying.

[Takingontheflab]

** He seems genuinely sorry and I believe him.

I want to get through this but not sure how I can forgive and forget. We are the love of each others lives and he knows how much he's fucked up and how much is at stake.**


You are not the love of his life. He literally PAID another woman to sleep with him, instead of sleeping with you. He has zero respect for you or women in general

You won't find the answers you want here OP, only hard truths.

I'm sorry your huge has done this to you.

[Jesskir89]

Op I'm so sorry youre going through this and I don't want to ignore your post but please don't be a doormat. Hes not only paid for sex hes continued to message these women.... if you really want to forgive him try marriage counciling but I doubt its something you'll forget. Its unfair I know hes done the dirty and turned your world upside down but I would imagine very few get through this kind of betrayal. Good luck

[totallyoutnumbered]

Well I "forgave" but I certainly didn't ever forget. I went onto marry him at his insistence to fix everything he'd done. We had individual therapy and joint counselling. I utterly adored him, hysterical bonding took over quickly after the anger. We even had our 2 lovely children afterwards . We absolutely had some amazing times, no doubt. But 12 years later it was still there when I closed my eyes. It broke my heart to end our relationship but I eventually walked away. I'm 99.9%sure that he never cheated again but the damage was done. I never looked at him quite the same. He was a lousy partner and husband but now he's a great ex. Who knows where life would have gone if I'd walked all those years ago but I didn't. If I could go back in time I'd have taken a very different path

[GreenClock]

You won’t change him so you need to come to terms with what he’s like and decide to live with it I suppose. I couldn’t do it but a change of mindset is probably the only way if you’re determined to stick with him.

[gaijinetal]

*having him end contact with the AP

This isn't an affair partner situation; this is searching out, joining, being active on, and then beginning to meet for sex with (usually) young women in what is essentially a prostitution website/platform. It's just dressed up prostitution where they call themselves sugar baby & daddy or similar instead of prostitute and client/punter.

And he had four of them.on the go (so far).

Not much point in treating it like a standard affair scenario.

[MrJollyLivesNextDoor]

You want to get through this but you're not sure how to forgive and forget..4 women, he paid them for sex because he feels isolated in lockdown, hasn't met any new colleagues yet and needed an ego boost.

Well seeing as you're prepared to keep this piss poor excuse of a husband in your life you will need absolute character of steel not to crumble.

Some questions you should possibly consider:

What is he doing to reassure you that this won't happen again?

Why did he need an ego boost?

In what way does he feel isolated in lockdown that you can't satisfy his needs to the extent that he has to go out and pay for sex?

What do you get from this marriage?

Why is this behaviour acceptable to you?

What do your family/friends say about it?

What makes you think he won't feel isolated/lonely/bored in the future and go down this road again?

Good luck Op, you're going to need it

[gaijinetal]

He said he was doing it because he feels so isolated in lockdown, changed jobs last year and hasn't actually met any of his colleagues yet, wanted an ego boost etc etc.

That had to be the weakest set of excuses I've seen for joining a prostitution platform, being in contact with four women from it, and actually having had sex with one (this is what you know if, of course - seems a pretty extreme thing to do all of a sudden/with no background).

He hadn't met any of his new colleagues?? . Is he lonely - how come he chose to seek company in a web site dedicated to usually significantly younger women swapping sexual services for money or similar, instead of any number of other platforms for friends/debate/discussion/hobbies etc.

That's like saying "I was lonely and bored on my business trip so I went and had sex with prostitute in a brothel (walking past the other business men drinking in the hotel bar on the way out".

Wanted an ego boost - what, from payimg for attention, time, sex etc.?

He's spinning you lines - the ones he thinks sound least offensive and are most sympathy provoking.