Staying together for children. Terrible idea? Or will protect them?

[Laptopnotebook1]

DH and I are having marriage problems and I don’t know how fixable they are. We’ve said too many nasty things now.

However, we’re fairly sure the kids don’t know as we don’t bicker or shout around them and keep nice.

DH thinks splitting will be really bad for them and we should try for their sake.

While I know what he means (older dc is particularly sensitive), it feels fake and like there’s a possible time limit on our marriage. Feels like a depressing way to live.

Obviously we need to try counselling etc.

But is it worth staying together for the sake of your kids?

[amillionwishes]

Don't.

They know. They sense the atmosphere. They learn this is how relationships are supposed to be and will take that into their adult lives.

I split with exh and the kids are only young, they tell me regularly that they're so much happier. Ds was bed wetting, this hasn't happened since I moved out. We share 50/50 because he would never pay maintenance but they see 2 happy parents now. They are learning what a happy, loving relationship looks like from me and my DP.

[Roselilly36]

A friend of mine faced a similar dilemma, she said it would destroy her children if they divorced, they are divorced now, it was a very miserable house. My DS stayed they one night & was shocked by the tension, and some of the words shared between them. Kids aren’t daft.

[HappyDooDaaa]

@HotSince63

What if you split and neither you or your ex ever have another relationship? What does that teach them?

That it's better to be single than to be in an unhappy relationship.

100% this.

Op, hope you're ok x

[Purpler5]

These are all typical Mumsnet responses and whilst I don’t totally disagree with them, in reality things are not quite as black and white as this thread would have you believe.

There are also a lot of children who are really messed up by their parents splitting and the relationships their parents then go on to have with each other and with new partners.

Sadly there are also a lot of children who are really messed up for reasons other than their parents. And it’s a hell of a lot easier to parent those children if you’re living with their other parent.

[ChristinKhan9]

Split, sorry.
Constantly arguing parents in out of love marriage is the worst role model for your future spouses, parents, grandparents to be.

[shehadsomuchpotential]

If you can find your way back to happiness its worth trying. But when its done sometimes it is just done. My parents stayed together for me and it made me so
Miserable. They decided to make me responsible for their happiness and i still feel like that 30 years later. It is quite a burden. I don't actually remember them arguing-i just remember their lack of affection and the lack of pleasure they had in each others company. My own marriage sadly failed. Co parenting is not the easy option and if you don't work hard at it it can be difficult for kids still. My god the holes in your tongue! But we work hard at it including new partners and are happy and there is lots of love. Us being apart is definitely the best for all involved. We didnt argue. We just had lost each other totally.

[MackenCheese]

Terrible idea. Split if you cannot see anything other than misery.

[Porcupineinwaiting]

I think, if you have children, you should try and fix the relationship if you can. But if it's not fixable, or if either of you dont want to fix it, then fgs split up. Dont give them the "gift" of an unhappy childhood (yes they will see through your relationship as they get older) then claim it was for their benefit and they should be grateful for your great sacrifice.

[SinisterBumFacedCat]

@Purpler5

These are all typical Mumsnet responses and whilst I don’t totally disagree with them, in reality things are not quite as black and white as this thread would have you believe.

There are also a lot of children who are really messed up by their parents splitting and the relationships their parents then go on to have with each other and with new partners.

Sadly there are also a lot of children who are really messed up for reasons other than their parents. And it’s a hell of a lot easier to parent those children if you’re living with their other parent.

I honestly think if my parents hadn’t divorced I would have been incredibly fucked up, being stuck in a war zone and enforced poverty.

I suspect children is not the only reason that couples who no longer love each other or want to be in a relationship stay together, convenience and financial reasons also, but saying you stayed together for the sake of the children sounds more selfless.

[noirchatsdeux]

@OldWomanSaysThis Sounds a lot like my childhood - my mother resented her children massively for preventing her from 'cockblocking' my father - she managed for a few years, until it was pointed out to her that she was wrecking our health and education in the process (we were living in what was then termed Third World countries). As ex pats with easy access to booze and no real parental supervision both myself and my two brothers were heavily drinking before any of us were 13. My younger brother started young with pot and was a drug dealer for much more (just to his friends, luckily) for most of his teens.

My parents finally divorced when I was 21. At least 10 years too late, lasting damage had been done. None of us have had children of our own.

[aidelmaidel]

What if you split and neither you or your ex ever have another relationship? What does that teach them?

Hopefully it teaches them that at any rate you don't need a man to have a satisfying life. Or at any rate they can have a reasonably blank canvas to start out with instead of having to have years of expensive therapy to unlearn toxic models, not that I'm bitter or anything

[GeorgiaGirl52]

@Stationfork

You should try and model the type of relationship you want your children to have in the future when they grow up. If all they see is a dysfunctional one with people who don't like each other they will then have these low expectations for themselves as adults.

This^

[Anordinarymum]

I had a horrible childhood. My parents fought all the time and as a child I thought we children were to blame.
Never stay together and use the children as an excuse because that is what it is.

Children might not know what is the reason but they do know when parents are at war. They always know