Staying together for children. Terrible idea? Or will protect them?

[Laptopnotebook1]

DH and I are having marriage problems and I don’t know how fixable they are. We’ve said too many nasty things now.

However, we’re fairly sure the kids don’t know as we don’t bicker or shout around them and keep nice.

DH thinks splitting will be really bad for them and we should try for their sake.

While I know what he means (older dc is particularly sensitive), it feels fake and like there’s a possible time limit on our marriage. Feels like a depressing way to live.

Obviously we need to try counselling etc.

But is it worth staying together for the sake of your kids?

[Sssloou]

It’s often all in the unsaid.

The atmosphere, the micro expressions, the vacuum.

Children absorb all of this and internalise it. It makes them anxious because it is confusing and it doesn’t add up.

To develop in an emotionally healthy way - children need a calm and peaceful home in which everyone treats each other with kindness, tenderness and respect and where hope and joy are core threads of the family - it doesn’t matter if it is one parent, two parents or co parents.

They need this type of environment to grow and thrive. Anything less is a deficiency which will determine their sense of self in life. The will sense any inauthenticity. You can’t fake it. They will know it.

[97876757user]

What if you split and neither you or your ex ever have another relationship? What does that teach them?

If you split up and don't find other partners what you are teaching your children is that it always healthier to be independent and single than in a relationship and miserable! I was blamed for the reason my parents stayed together and detested each other and quite frankly it sucked! So don't stay together for the children's sake - go your separate ways for the children's sake! They won't be fooled and they won't thank you for it when they get older!

[cheeseismydownfall]

Just because they don't see the arguments, it doesn't mean that they don't see the lack of love.

Day-to-day affection. Laughter. Walking into a room to find them having a snatched kiss, not an abrupt silence and an atmosphere you can cut with a knife. Making up after disagreements and seeing the funny side. Parents who enjoy making each other happy, take pleasure in each other's successes and comfort each other when things are hard.

You just can't fake the absence of this stuff OP, no matter how hard you try.

[Lollypop701]

@cheeseismydownfall sums it up
Your children will not thank you, nor want you to do this. One life, live it

[Enough4me]

Plan for a positive break up rather than years of misery together.

[LionelMessy]

I hesitated for years, but split 1 year ago and kids (age 10 snd 16) couldn't be happier now.

[user1481840227]

It's definitely better to split.
While this situation might be tolerable for now who knows what it will be like in a couple of years, it could become unbearable.

[SinisterBumFacedCat]

The kids know. Would you want them to do the same thing when they are older?

[Seasidemumma77]

My marriage break up hit children hard, but 7.5yrs on I am a happier and better patent, and thus my children are happier.

[opinionatedfreak]

I was the child.

I knew. It was awful. No matter how much my parents deluded themselves.

None of my siblings have children and only one of us is in a LTR.
I think the example we were set is that single life is better than a poor relationship.

[Fudgsicles]

I did this for a few years before reading on here that they would grow up and mirror the relationship they had been modelled. No arguing etc in my case but no affection at all, just a brother/sister style relationship where we didn't even share a bedroom.

Finally I called it a day as I was miserable and it was making me a crappy parent because I'd be snappy and irritable with the kids when it wasn't them I was unhappy with.

They weren't happy about the split and apparently had no idea there was a problem. But now they see me happy and calmer with a new DP, they do say how unhappy I was with their dad. I'm like a different person. The biggest difference that my eldest pointed out was that I laugh a lot more now.

I'd never advocate staying together for the sake of the children.

[Starfish5]

Split. For all the reasons everyone has said. I did and my life and my kid's lives are so much better 6 years down the track.

[HeddaGarbled]

Obviously, you’ve got the answers you wanted.

But .......

All long term relationships go through bad patches. Some get better again. Don’t give up too soon. When you do the counselling, do it properly with an open mind and an open heart.

[OldWomanSaysThis]

I'm not sure if my parents "stayed together for the children" or if it was really staying together until the children aged out of child support. It was cheaper for my dad to stay and Mother clung to him like he was the last living breathing man on the planet. She accompanied him on every one of his business trips (to cock block the mistresses). I took up drinking at age 15. Brother was a daily weed smoker even younger. No one noticed. We had AWFUL family vacations.

The whole thing was a nightmare. Don't do it. My parents did eventually divorce. It was LONG over due but the damage was done.

[Anothernick]

@HeddaGarbled

Obviously, you’ve got the answers you wanted.

But .......

All long term relationships go through bad patches. Some get better again. Don’t give up too soon. When you do the counselling, do it properly with an open mind and an open heart.

This.

Only you know how bad your relationship with your DH is and whether you might be able to reconsider your positions later. Nasty words are not unusual in an LTR but they are just words, they can be forgotten if other things are going well. Years ago when our dc were young and we were going through some rough times I expected that we would split when they were grown, though we never explicitly discussed doing so. But I was wrong, things improved and we are now probably happier than we have ever been in our 30 years together.

The grass is always greener on the other side, but if you jump over you may find that it is actually a muddy quagmire. You have a difficult decision to make, take your time and do not make a move until you ar certain in your own mind that you are doing the right thing for your self and for your dc.

[WriggleGiggle]

I think that for your children’s sake you need to try & explore counselling. The reality is that children want their parents together, although not if you’re treating each other badly.

For full disclosure my marriage recently ended and it was not my decision. I’m left with trying to help my children understand what happened. We did not have screaming fights, got on well and were affectionate. We were modelling a ‘good marriage’ which could have been saved if we put the work in.

[billy1966]

@TwentyViginti

DH thinks splitting will be really bad for them and we should try for their sake

This is a line men often use when they realise they'll lose their cosy home set up, and how much they'll have to fork out if you split.

Don't stay if you feel the marriage is over.

It does sound toxic.

However, if you feel it is worth one more go. Do that. So at least you know.

[Bibidy]

My mum and dad would probably have said that my sister and I didn't know anything about their marital problems too - but the reality was the 2 of us sitting at the top of the stairs listening to every word when they thought we were in bed. We saw every side eye my mum gave my dad and I (as the oldest) took a lot of responsibility on myself to try and diffuse tension and found myself lying to avoid arguments between them. But even to this day I'm sure they would think that they have hidden it all from us.

I personally think if you're sure you want to split then it's best to do it rather than drag it out - especially if you have the opportunity to do it while your kids are young. Don't forget your relationship is the model your kids will have for their own future relationships too.

That said, don't rush into anything if you're not 100%. Better to give fixing it a try first if you think it could be possible, rather than separating then reuniting, then potentially separating again.

[Pyewhacket]

My parents split-up when I was 12. My father moved to New York and my mother back to rural France. It was awful , I was subject to abuse and intimidation, the worst time of my life. At 14, I came back to the UK and I lived with my grandparents until I went to University. I've not see or spoken to my parents in years. No loss. The only benefit is the love I shared with both my gransparents, they were lovely and I miss them terribly plus I can speak fluent French, not that you'd get me on the EuroStar for all the tea in China. I'm with Larkin ;

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

[WakingUp55643]

This is where I am. Staying together for the kids, despite knowing deep down that it's the worst thing to do. I want my boys to grow up knowing what love is, and to be able to have their own happy relationships, but they see nothing from their mam and dad. However, I'm really aware that it's me who wants out and that they see that. I feel as if they're going to think I'm being horrible to their dad and that they'll see me differently if I cause such a massive upheaval. I don't know, I go over this in my head a million times a day. I'm exhausted.

[OfTheNight]

DP’s parents stayed together for him and his sister and he said his childhood was generally unhappy and he felt it really lowered his self esteem. When he started having relationships he put up with a lot of things he shouldn’t because he thought it was right to try to stay with someone no matter the cost, just as his parents did. DPs dad passed away and his mum felt so much confusion and resentment about having spent most of her life with someone she didn’t love. I split from my ExH (serious issues) and we’re better parents individually than we were together. A positive split is better than years of dragging it out for no real reason.

[Rosebel]

My niece is absolutely miserable. Her parents fig3a lot, not all the time but BIL is horrible to my sister a lot.
In fact my niece has actually asked her mum why she stays. I feel sorry for her and know she'd be happier if her parents were separate.
Do you want your children to grow up in a miserable environment because trust me they know you're not happy.

[Fudgsicles]

@WakingUp55643

This is where I am. Staying together for the kids, despite knowing deep down that it's the worst thing to do. I want my boys to grow up knowing what love is, and to be able to have their own happy relationships, but they see nothing from their mam and dad. However, I'm really aware that it's me who wants out and that they see that. I feel as if they're going to think I'm being horrible to their dad and that they'll see me differently if I cause such a massive upheaval. I don't know, I go over this in my head a million times a day. I'm exhausted.

I had the same worries tbh as it was me that wanted out, not their dad. He did agree we tell them it was both of us that wanted it but I think now they know it was more me as ex has been unhappy since the split and I haven't and have told them how unhappy I was.

Luckily they don't seem to blame me at all and still want to come home from their dads and be around me. They've both also said 1 week is too long to be away from me when their dad has had them for longer in the holidays. If you have a good relationship with your children, I'm sure they won't blame you at all.

[TicTacTwo]

It's an awful burden to put on the kids and I think it's highly unlikely that they don't know or won't find out. You are their role model for relationships and do you want them to think that adults don't deserve personal happiness?

What the girls need are 2 great parents and sometimes it's easier to do it apart than together.

[Nackajory]

Probably not worth it in the long run but only you really know how you feel and what the situation is. My DC were really upset when we split (9& 8)but they got used to the idea, our home is calmer and happier, and they still see their dad. The resentment was the worst thing before he moved out , it turned toxic.