Staying together for children. Terrible idea? Or will protect them?

[Laptopnotebook1]

DH and I are having marriage problems and I don’t know how fixable they are. We’ve said too many nasty things now.

However, we’re fairly sure the kids don’t know as we don’t bicker or shout around them and keep nice.

DH thinks splitting will be really bad for them and we should try for their sake.

While I know what he means (older dc is particularly sensitive), it feels fake and like there’s a possible time limit on our marriage. Feels like a depressing way to live.

Obviously we need to try counselling etc.

But is it worth staying together for the sake of your kids?

[Anordinarymum]

I had a horrible childhood. My parents fought all the time and as a child I thought we children were to blame.
Never stay together and use the children as an excuse because that is what it is.

Children might not know what is the reason but they do know when parents are at war. They always know

[GeorgiaGirl52]

@Stationfork

You should try and model the type of relationship you want your children to have in the future when they grow up. If all they see is a dysfunctional one with people who don't like each other they will then have these low expectations for themselves as adults.

This^

[aidelmaidel]

What if you split and neither you or your ex ever have another relationship? What does that teach them?

Hopefully it teaches them that at any rate you don't need a man to have a satisfying life. Or at any rate they can have a reasonably blank canvas to start out with instead of having to have years of expensive therapy to unlearn toxic models, not that I'm bitter or anything

[noirchatsdeux]

@OldWomanSaysThis Sounds a lot like my childhood - my mother resented her children massively for preventing her from 'cockblocking' my father - she managed for a few years, until it was pointed out to her that she was wrecking our health and education in the process (we were living in what was then termed Third World countries). As ex pats with easy access to booze and no real parental supervision both myself and my two brothers were heavily drinking before any of us were 13. My younger brother started young with pot and was a drug dealer for much more (just to his friends, luckily) for most of his teens.

My parents finally divorced when I was 21. At least 10 years too late, lasting damage had been done. None of us have had children of our own.

[SinisterBumFacedCat]

@Purpler5

These are all typical Mumsnet responses and whilst I don’t totally disagree with them, in reality things are not quite as black and white as this thread would have you believe.

There are also a lot of children who are really messed up by their parents splitting and the relationships their parents then go on to have with each other and with new partners.

Sadly there are also a lot of children who are really messed up for reasons other than their parents. And it’s a hell of a lot easier to parent those children if you’re living with their other parent.

I honestly think if my parents hadn’t divorced I would have been incredibly fucked up, being stuck in a war zone and enforced poverty.

I suspect children is not the only reason that couples who no longer love each other or want to be in a relationship stay together, convenience and financial reasons also, but saying you stayed together for the sake of the children sounds more selfless.

[Porcupineinwaiting]

I think, if you have children, you should try and fix the relationship if you can. But if it's not fixable, or if either of you dont want to fix it, then fgs split up. Dont give them the "gift" of an unhappy childhood (yes they will see through your relationship as they get older) then claim it was for their benefit and they should be grateful for your great sacrifice.

[MackenCheese]

Terrible idea. Split if you cannot see anything other than misery.

[shehadsomuchpotential]

If you can find your way back to happiness its worth trying. But when its done sometimes it is just done. My parents stayed together for me and it made me so
Miserable. They decided to make me responsible for their happiness and i still feel like that 30 years later. It is quite a burden. I don't actually remember them arguing-i just remember their lack of affection and the lack of pleasure they had in each others company. My own marriage sadly failed. Co parenting is not the easy option and if you don't work hard at it it can be difficult for kids still. My god the holes in your tongue! But we work hard at it including new partners and are happy and there is lots of love. Us being apart is definitely the best for all involved. We didnt argue. We just had lost each other totally.

[ChristinKhan9]

Split, sorry.
Constantly arguing parents in out of love marriage is the worst role model for your future spouses, parents, grandparents to be.

[Purpler5]

These are all typical Mumsnet responses and whilst I don’t totally disagree with them, in reality things are not quite as black and white as this thread would have you believe.

There are also a lot of children who are really messed up by their parents splitting and the relationships their parents then go on to have with each other and with new partners.

Sadly there are also a lot of children who are really messed up for reasons other than their parents. And it’s a hell of a lot easier to parent those children if you’re living with their other parent.

[HappyDooDaaa]

@HotSince63

What if you split and neither you or your ex ever have another relationship? What does that teach them?

That it's better to be single than to be in an unhappy relationship.

100% this.

Op, hope you're ok x

[Roselilly36]

A friend of mine faced a similar dilemma, she said it would destroy her children if they divorced, they are divorced now, it was a very miserable house. My DS stayed they one night & was shocked by the tension, and some of the words shared between them. Kids aren’t daft.

[amillionwishes]

Don't.

They know. They sense the atmosphere. They learn this is how relationships are supposed to be and will take that into their adult lives.

I split with exh and the kids are only young, they tell me regularly that they're so much happier. Ds was bed wetting, this hasn't happened since I moved out. We share 50/50 because he would never pay maintenance but they see 2 happy parents now. They are learning what a happy, loving relationship looks like from me and my DP.

[Nackajory]

Probably not worth it in the long run but only you really know how you feel and what the situation is. My DC were really upset when we split (9& 8)but they got used to the idea, our home is calmer and happier, and they still see their dad. The resentment was the worst thing before he moved out , it turned toxic.

[TicTacTwo]

It's an awful burden to put on the kids and I think it's highly unlikely that they don't know or won't find out. You are their role model for relationships and do you want them to think that adults don't deserve personal happiness?

What the girls need are 2 great parents and sometimes it's easier to do it apart than together.

[Fudgsicles]

@WakingUp55643

This is where I am. Staying together for the kids, despite knowing deep down that it's the worst thing to do. I want my boys to grow up knowing what love is, and to be able to have their own happy relationships, but they see nothing from their mam and dad. However, I'm really aware that it's me who wants out and that they see that. I feel as if they're going to think I'm being horrible to their dad and that they'll see me differently if I cause such a massive upheaval. I don't know, I go over this in my head a million times a day. I'm exhausted.

I had the same worries tbh as it was me that wanted out, not their dad. He did agree we tell them it was both of us that wanted it but I think now they know it was more me as ex has been unhappy since the split and I haven't and have told them how unhappy I was.

Luckily they don't seem to blame me at all and still want to come home from their dads and be around me. They've both also said 1 week is too long to be away from me when their dad has had them for longer in the holidays. If you have a good relationship with your children, I'm sure they won't blame you at all.

[Rosebel]

My niece is absolutely miserable. Her parents fig3a lot, not all the time but BIL is horrible to my sister a lot.
In fact my niece has actually asked her mum why she stays. I feel sorry for her and know she'd be happier if her parents were separate.
Do you want your children to grow up in a miserable environment because trust me they know you're not happy.

[OfTheNight]

DP’s parents stayed together for him and his sister and he said his childhood was generally unhappy and he felt it really lowered his self esteem. When he started having relationships he put up with a lot of things he shouldn’t because he thought it was right to try to stay with someone no matter the cost, just as his parents did. DPs dad passed away and his mum felt so much confusion and resentment about having spent most of her life with someone she didn’t love. I split from my ExH (serious issues) and we’re better parents individually than we were together. A positive split is better than years of dragging it out for no real reason.

[WakingUp55643]

This is where I am. Staying together for the kids, despite knowing deep down that it's the worst thing to do. I want my boys to grow up knowing what love is, and to be able to have their own happy relationships, but they see nothing from their mam and dad. However, I'm really aware that it's me who wants out and that they see that. I feel as if they're going to think I'm being horrible to their dad and that they'll see me differently if I cause such a massive upheaval. I don't know, I go over this in my head a million times a day. I'm exhausted.

[Pyewhacket]

My parents split-up when I was 12. My father moved to New York and my mother back to rural France. It was awful , I was subject to abuse and intimidation, the worst time of my life. At 14, I came back to the UK and I lived with my grandparents until I went to University. I've not see or spoken to my parents in years. No loss. The only benefit is the love I shared with both my gransparents, they were lovely and I miss them terribly plus I can speak fluent French, not that you'd get me on the EuroStar for all the tea in China. I'm with Larkin ;

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

[Bibidy]

My mum and dad would probably have said that my sister and I didn't know anything about their marital problems too - but the reality was the 2 of us sitting at the top of the stairs listening to every word when they thought we were in bed. We saw every side eye my mum gave my dad and I (as the oldest) took a lot of responsibility on myself to try and diffuse tension and found myself lying to avoid arguments between them. But even to this day I'm sure they would think that they have hidden it all from us.

I personally think if you're sure you want to split then it's best to do it rather than drag it out - especially if you have the opportunity to do it while your kids are young. Don't forget your relationship is the model your kids will have for their own future relationships too.

That said, don't rush into anything if you're not 100%. Better to give fixing it a try first if you think it could be possible, rather than separating then reuniting, then potentially separating again.

[billy1966]

@TwentyViginti

DH thinks splitting will be really bad for them and we should try for their sake

This is a line men often use when they realise they'll lose their cosy home set up, and how much they'll have to fork out if you split.

Don't stay if you feel the marriage is over.

It does sound toxic.

However, if you feel it is worth one more go. Do that. So at least you know.

[WriggleGiggle]

I think that for your children’s sake you need to try & explore counselling. The reality is that children want their parents together, although not if you’re treating each other badly.

For full disclosure my marriage recently ended and it was not my decision. I’m left with trying to help my children understand what happened. We did not have screaming fights, got on well and were affectionate. We were modelling a ‘good marriage’ which could have been saved if we put the work in.

[Anothernick]

@HeddaGarbled

Obviously, you’ve got the answers you wanted.

But .......

All long term relationships go through bad patches. Some get better again. Don’t give up too soon. When you do the counselling, do it properly with an open mind and an open heart.

This.

Only you know how bad your relationship with your DH is and whether you might be able to reconsider your positions later. Nasty words are not unusual in an LTR but they are just words, they can be forgotten if other things are going well. Years ago when our dc were young and we were going through some rough times I expected that we would split when they were grown, though we never explicitly discussed doing so. But I was wrong, things improved and we are now probably happier than we have ever been in our 30 years together.

The grass is always greener on the other side, but if you jump over you may find that it is actually a muddy quagmire. You have a difficult decision to make, take your time and do not make a move until you ar certain in your own mind that you are doing the right thing for your self and for your dc.

[OldWomanSaysThis]

I'm not sure if my parents "stayed together for the children" or if it was really staying together until the children aged out of child support. It was cheaper for my dad to stay and Mother clung to him like he was the last living breathing man on the planet. She accompanied him on every one of his business trips (to cock block the mistresses). I took up drinking at age 15. Brother was a daily weed smoker even younger. No one noticed. We had AWFUL family vacations.

The whole thing was a nightmare. Don't do it. My parents did eventually divorce. It was LONG over due but the damage was done.