Is DH too impatient with DS or am I being a bit "pfb"?

[PigeonDove]

Just after a bit of advice. I'm pretty exhausted so my sense of judgement is a bit skewed.

9 month old DS has been very grizzly today, he slept badly last night waking every 2-3 hours and his naps have been a bit rubbish today so I think he's over tired. He had a cold last week and his 6th tooth has just come through so he's had calpol. I sorted his dinner, gave him a bath and then he had some milk (breastfed) and into his sleeping bag. I started gently rocking him to make him sleepy but he was extremely hyperactive due to overtiredness. I therefore enlisted help of DH who started rocking him but DS was crying and screaming, DH became agitated really quickly and kept saying DS' name loudly and then said we should put something on for him to watch. I said I thought that would make him more awake and DH said "fine we'll let him just walk around for hours then and he'll turn into a spoilt brat", to which I said I wasn't suggesting that. He said that DS was putting the crying on. So he put an episode of Moon and Me on his phone and commenced rocking again, I popped to the loo and the next thing I know DH was storming into his bedroom holding DS and said he was being "a wise pain". He then put his TV on and became frustrated again trying to find a certain remote control, so I popped downstairs to try and find it and as I was coming back up I heard DH say "for f*s sake" and DS had bashed his head on the doorframe as he'd put him down on the floor. He passed him to me and snapped at me to give him some milk and said he was going for a vape. I felt a bit shaken up but gave DS his milk and sang him lullabies quietly until he fell asleep.

If I ever do struggle with night wakings and can't get DS back to sleep, I sometimes ring DH to come and help (I cosleep with DS in a separate room due to DH's awful snoring, but am planning to get DS into his cot this week) but he gets so impatient and if he can't get DS back to sleep within a couple of minutes he starts sighing and swearing, to the point that I would rather not have the help anymore, although he does always say to call him anytime I need a hand.

For background, I'm starting to come round to the idea that DH may be a bit of a narcissist / emotionally abusive, but what I'm really asking is, is his reaction normal and am I just being a soft touch. I just get so anxious when he reacts like this.

Sorry for the long post.

[DawnMumsnet]

We're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic at the OP's request.

Thanks to everyone who's given advice and support so far.

[Soubriquet]

Your dh sounds useless really.

However, laying down watching some soothing TV wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world when ds is overtired.

My dd used to wake up with night terrors when she was a year old and no amount of soothing would help.

My dh used to get up with her (I was pregnant) get on the sofa with dd, put on her favourite reprogram at the time, and just let her lay there chilling. After half an hour- 45 minutes, she was dozy enough to go back to bed happily.

We (he) had to repeat this several times a week (only once a night though), and it lasted a few weeks but one day she suddenly started sleeping through the night again and had no problems

[PigeonDove]

@Soubriquet

Your dh sounds useless really.

However, laying down watching some soothing TV wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world when ds is overtired.

My dd used to wake up with night terrors when she was a year old and no amount of soothing would help.

My dh used to get up with her (I was pregnant) get on the sofa with dd, put on her favourite reprogram at the time, and just let her lay there chilling. After half an hour- 45 minutes, she was dozy enough to go back to bed happily.

We (he) had to repeat this several times a week (only once a night though), and it lasted a few weeks but one day she suddenly started sleeping through the night again and had no problems

Yes the TV watching didn't bother me really, I was just including it in the sequence of events. It definitely has it's place.

I just don't know what to do. If I just sit and wait then surely this is sending the message that his behaviour is acceptable and not doing enough to safeguard my son.

He's being all chirpy this morning, giving DS lots of hugs etc. I just feel drained.

[beavisandbutthead]

Your DH sounds truly awful. Your DS was injured in his care, due to your DH having zero patience and taking his frustrations out on him by being careless. I wouldnt leave my DC with him. He thinks a 9mth old is 'putting it on'. This is an excuse for his lack of tolerance.

[WitchWife]

I think you’ve realised how awful he is since having a baby because you can be the outsider seeing his behaviour and its effect on someone else - someone you love. I presume you love the baby more than you love yourself.

Either way, you know you are scared to have the baby in the same house as him. There’s got to be good reasons for this. Angry men are the most dangerous things in society.

I’d confide in your best friend and start thinking about where else you can go. Is there someone you can stay with?

[justanotherneighinparadise]

Yeah I wouldn’t like that at all. I would not be leaving my child in the care of an angry, frustrated man. Not happening on my watch.

[Peach1886]

I have had similar problems with my DH, and like you I felt drained and didn't know what to do...eventually, after one particular incident where he really upset DS, I found the strength to confront him and tell him that if he didn't deal with his "anger issues" then he would be leaving.

He tried to prevaricate, as usual, but I managed to keep insisting and eventually he booked some counselling with the GP. He is a lot better since then, not perfect by any means, but he does - mostly - now acknowledge that he has a problem, and he is much less grumpy/agrressive with both of us, day-to-day.

I won't say we're out of the woods yet, if I'm honest I am waiting for the next problem, but if there is one he will be leaving as I have had enough.

I don't know if you feel able to talk to your DH in the same way, with the same ultimatum, or if it's best for you to leave straight away. Like your DH, mine can be a wonderful dad when it suits him, which is why I decided to give him a chance. I also have an abusive background myself, so for a while I wondered if I was being too sensitive...I still do some days...but I have got to the point of zero tolerance and pick him up on the slightest thing, which of course he hates.

I'ts not where either you or I want to be, but our DS's and their health and happiness are the most important things.

I hope you manage to sort it out, however you need to xx

[PigeonDove]

Thanks everyone. The thing is he puts on such a good act. So many people would be surprised about how he is behind closed doors and people tell me how lucky I am to have him etc but I don't feel it.

He is terrible with money, spends his days eating junk food, vaping and napping and I just don't feel attracted to him anymore. But he does make me laugh and sometimes we do really get on.

I just know if I leave or he leaves, he will make my life hell and will go for 50% custody. I work in family law and see it all the time, abusive fathers laughing their way out of Court.

[CorianderLord]

@PigeonDove

Thanks everyone. The thing is he puts on such a good act. So many people would be surprised about how he is behind closed doors and people tell me how lucky I am to have him etc but I don't feel it.

He is terrible with money, spends his days eating junk food, vaping and napping and I just don't feel attracted to him anymore. But he does make me laugh and sometimes we do really get on.

I just know if I leave or he leaves, he will make my life hell and will go for 50% custody. I work in family law and see it all the time, abusive fathers laughing their way out of Court.

Every woman in these situations always says 'everyone thinks he's the best guy'.

Usually they don't. And if they don't support you then you don't need them. But generally, a mate won't tell their casual friend they're being a bit rude to their wife or snide, but they will notice.

And if people can't see it? Well he's a classic masker. Doesn't mean it's better to stay.

[CorianderLord]

@PigeonDove

Thanks everyone. The thing is he puts on such a good act. So many people would be surprised about how he is behind closed doors and people tell me how lucky I am to have him etc but I don't feel it.

He is terrible with money, spends his days eating junk food, vaping and napping and I just don't feel attracted to him anymore. But he does make me laugh and sometimes we do really get on.

I just know if I leave or he leaves, he will make my life hell and will go for 50% custody. I work in family law and see it all the time, abusive fathers laughing their way out of Court.

If he's so frustrated by DS after two minutes I doubt he'd keep doing overnights for long.

[Atalune]

Does he work?

[DasPepe]

I didn’t even get past “ DS' name loudly and then said we should put something on for him to watch. ”

I had to go back to check if I’ve misread. He is 9 months old! Why why why would he be watching anything at night.

Get away with your child - think of this as time travel. When he hurts the baby, as I’m worried there might be more “door frames”, this is the point you will wish you could go back to, and undue

[Atalune]

Yeah watching the/screen at such a young age I find jarring too. Not appropriate.

However you have bigger fish to fry.

[Badwill]

My H was like this when my DC were babies. It's easier to manage it yourself as two people trying to settle a fussy baby just adds to the stress I think. Just get on with it without him as you're going to have to get used to that! and start planning your exit from this miserable man.

[PigeonDove]

@Atalune

Does he work?

Yes he works full time but is furloughed at the moment with no end date in sight.

[Atalune]

I mean I’m not condoning his behaviour at all, but is he depressed?

[YoniAndGuy]

Go to your GP and ge the bash on the head documented, and talk to your HV.

To be honest that is the first step in making sure he does not get 50-50.

He won't want it, by the way - he can barely be bothered to parent as it is, can he? So... think ahead... a man like this will absolutely want to threaten, control, and bully... but if the worst happened and he did get significant access through court, how long do you think it would be before somehow you ended up doing the majority anyway?

Here's a tip, too. When you do get to the point where things are out in the open and he tells you threateningly that 'I'll be going to court for 50-50 custody... don't think you're taking my child from me' - then you reply:

'I should hope so. No way are you getting to walk away and live the life of a single person while I'm left taking care of DS every night and weekend. If we are to split, then yes I would expect you to do your share. We would both need time and space to move on fairly with our lives, meet new people, have free time.'

Plant the idea in his head that him having 50-50 equals him giving you free time to meet another man.

It is AMAZING what that thought can do!

[YoniAndGuy]

Oh and yes, not normal. Last night was a man being abisuve and aggressive towards a 9 month old. Don't ever leave him alone with your DS and tell your HV everything.

[MyOwnSummer]

If you're worried about 50/50, don't be - firstly, he doesn't actually want to do the hard work of looking after a baby and secondly, your son is breastfed and from what I've read on here it is very unusual for a court to order overnight access for a child under 2 who is still breastfeeding.

@YoniAndGuy is absolutely right too, he would HATE the idea of you having loads of free time to meet someone new, that would be a massive dent to the ego!

[DAC21]

Hello PigeonDove! So sorry to read the difficult situation you are in. A week or so ago a dad started a thread here about not coping with baby and feeling terrible, and I think a lot of fathers must have feelings like this. Does your partner have remorse after episodes like the ones you described? If he were ready to change his behaviour would you want him to do so or are you feeling completely done with him? I am the non-birth mum in a 2-mum family and have struggled with anxiety, frustration and anger in relation to looking after our baby, I just felt like an absolute rubbish parent. Particularly bedtimes were triggering for me as I felt I must be able to sooth my child so when it didn't work I felt like a total failure. It took some very active working on this (it is actually an ongoing process, I still slip back sometimes) to remove myself from the centre of the universe and be able to fully focus on the needs on my child and my partner. I am not trying to justify your partner's behaviour, what you have described is completely unacceptable, just trying to say that for some people it takes longer to find their place in the parent role. But it is key that they recognise the issues and look for the solution themselves, hence I am curious whether your partner actually recognises there is a problem with his behaviour or not.

[SimonJT]

Oh he sounds horrible.

I’m not a naturally patient person and I’m very stubborn, its not an excuse to behave in a poor way.

My son came to live with me when he was 18 months, he was unable to sleep without being literally on me for over a year, even then getting him to sleep would regularly take hours. Hes now five and still isn’t ready to go to sleep alone. Yes it was sometimes irritating, I was stressed, in my head I fairly often called him all sorts. But as the adult in the situation you have to keep the irritation inside, get on with it, meet their needs and then whinge about it later if need be.

[JillofTrades]

Do not show him this thread fgs . He sounds abusive, do you think he is suddenly going to take on board strangers advice.
Op he is abusive and I wouldn't trust him alone with ds. Poor baby is teething, he is in pain. think you need to leave

[PigeonDove]

Thank you for all of your responses.

I keep thinking of various other incidents, just small things he's said like he doesn't want DS to grow up to be a "snowflake", he can't wait to teach him sarcasm. If I ever speak in the wrong tone of voice or sigh at all he gets annoyed at me. I feel like I have to constantly perform, I worry he's going to inspect things I do around the house. My heart is racing most of the time. He is very childish and this shows in the way he dresses and the fact he survives on junk food, literally never eats fruit or veg and I feel like I have two sons sometimes.

I think he may be slightly depressed tbh and he is stressed about money, but he has always been this way with me really. I have said to him before that he should speak to a GP but he said no because he doesn't want to take any tablets and said he doesn't need counselling or anything.

I am finding it hard to not "let" him have DS unsupervised, as if I need to shower or cook etc then DH is home and will take him.

He's been off with me all evening, giving me one word answers etc. I know people say to get your ducks in a row, but I have been thinking of leaving for a while, but if I turn round to him and say I'm leaving / want him to leave, he will just turn hostile and nasty. I have nowhere to go and practically no savings. Sorry for the jumbled post, I'm shattered after being awake since 4 this morning.

[pooopypants]

Do you have chance / time to speak to Women's Aid or similar if you have something local?



Don't tell him - he'll either change his behaviour or make your life a living hell. I'm sure there will be experienced poster along soon with much better advice though

[Aknifewith16blades]

He sounds abusive and threatening. This bit 'But he has said before that if anyone tried to take DS away from him he would ruin their lives and get them into debt' is getting into very dodgy territory. Why does he need to make threats to control you?

Speak to Women's Aid, speak to your health visitor. I think Boots have a scheme where you can go into their pharmacy rooms to safely talk to Women's Aid.