Is DH too impatient with DS or am I being a bit "pfb"?

[PigeonDove]

Just after a bit of advice. I'm pretty exhausted so my sense of judgement is a bit skewed.

9 month old DS has been very grizzly today, he slept badly last night waking every 2-3 hours and his naps have been a bit rubbish today so I think he's over tired. He had a cold last week and his 6th tooth has just come through so he's had calpol. I sorted his dinner, gave him a bath and then he had some milk (breastfed) and into his sleeping bag. I started gently rocking him to make him sleepy but he was extremely hyperactive due to overtiredness. I therefore enlisted help of DH who started rocking him but DS was crying and screaming, DH became agitated really quickly and kept saying DS' name loudly and then said we should put something on for him to watch. I said I thought that would make him more awake and DH said "fine we'll let him just walk around for hours then and he'll turn into a spoilt brat", to which I said I wasn't suggesting that. He said that DS was putting the crying on. So he put an episode of Moon and Me on his phone and commenced rocking again, I popped to the loo and the next thing I know DH was storming into his bedroom holding DS and said he was being "a wise pain". He then put his TV on and became frustrated again trying to find a certain remote control, so I popped downstairs to try and find it and as I was coming back up I heard DH say "for f*s sake" and DS had bashed his head on the doorframe as he'd put him down on the floor. He passed him to me and snapped at me to give him some milk and said he was going for a vape. I felt a bit shaken up but gave DS his milk and sang him lullabies quietly until he fell asleep.

If I ever do struggle with night wakings and can't get DS back to sleep, I sometimes ring DH to come and help (I cosleep with DS in a separate room due to DH's awful snoring, but am planning to get DS into his cot this week) but he gets so impatient and if he can't get DS back to sleep within a couple of minutes he starts sighing and swearing, to the point that I would rather not have the help anymore, although he does always say to call him anytime I need a hand.

For background, I'm starting to come round to the idea that DH may be a bit of a narcissist / emotionally abusive, but what I'm really asking is, is his reaction normal and am I just being a soft touch. I just get so anxious when he reacts like this.

Sorry for the long post.

[Di11y]

How was he before you were pregnant? To be honest, life with a baby is bloody hard and a strain on even the strongest marriage. some people are snappy and particularly short tempered at night. He shouldn't be swearing at the baby and needs to be more patient but it's something to learn and improve on.

A lot of what you say is red flags but it might not be LTB necessarily.

[PigeonDove]

@pooopypants

Do you have chance / time to speak to Women's Aid or similar if you have something local?

Don't tell him - he'll either change his behaviour or make your life a living hell. I'm sure there will be experienced poster along soon with much better advice though

I could try and talk to them on Sunday as he'll be working. In fact that's the only day he's working for the foreseeable future. If things are still bad then, I will contact them.

I have just tried to talk to him and he keeps talking in this really put on quiet voice saying he's lonely and that I keep taking DS off him. I asked what he meant, and he said that if he's with DS and he walks over to me, I pick him up. Of course I'm going to interact with my son when he approaches me. Ahh I am so fed up. Not looking forward to Christmas this year at all.

[PigeonDove]

@Di11y

How was he before you were pregnant? To be honest, life with a baby is bloody hard and a strain on even the strongest marriage. some people are snappy and particularly short tempered at night. He shouldn't be swearing at the baby and needs to be more patient but it's something to learn and improve on.

A lot of what you say is red flags but it might not be LTB necessarily.

My friends used to tell me he was gaslighting me and controlling years ago. He was quite nasty to be honest with anger issues and used to smoke weed (he hasn't done for many years now) . I was so young when we met and had grown up with an alcoholic father and to be honest I think I just accepted the love (or lack of) I felt worthy of He has never hit me but he threatened to slap me once 16 years ago. He never liked me going out at night. I didn't go to university because he said he would not stay in a long distance relationship with me if I did. I try not to think about that too much because I could have made something of myself and sometimes feel I've wasted almost half of my life.

[pallasathena]

He's a twat OP.
You've married a twat.
Many women have so don't blame yourself..but sort it out. You don't want to spend the rest of your life with a prize twat.
And you certainly don't want your child growing up to be a replica twat.
Get sorted and move on

[JustinMyJustin]

Op my heart is breaking for you and your DS!

My ex DH was very similar with our twins. Short tempered, wouldn’t listen to anything I said regarding the way he was treating them. I then caught him shaking our (tiny premature DS) when he thought I wasn’t looking. He’s gone now and has no contact with his children.

You need to get away from this man. He’s a danger to your child. It really is that serious. Have you got no family or friends you can go to? Nobody at all?

[JustinMyJustin]

And you haven’t wasted your life because you have your beautiful DS. You need to think of the rest of your life though and what you want it to look like. This man will damage your DS, emotionally if not physically. Please please get away from him by any means you can.

[PigeonDove]

@JustinMyJustin

Op my heart is breaking for you and your DS!

My ex DH was very similar with our twins. Short tempered, wouldn’t listen to anything I said regarding the way he was treating them. I then caught him shaking our (tiny premature DS) when he thought I wasn’t looking. He’s gone now and has no contact with his children.

You need to get away from this man. He’s a danger to your child. It really is that serious. Have you got no family or friends you can go to? Nobody at all?

Sadly not. My father is an alcoholic, my mother and sister live together in a tiny flat and I only really have two friends, neither of whom would have room for me, DS and my 16-year old cat. I don't drive (in the middle of learning but lockdown has put a stop to it for now) and have virtually no savings. My name is on the tenancy (one perk of marrying a manchild, no interest in getting a mortgage) which expires in a couple of months and all of the bills so I am liable for outgoings here, so can't afford to just find somewhere else anyway. I could ask DH to leave but I don't think he would. I will keep thinking.

[BiblioX]

You really do need to discuss everything with your health visitor. And personally, I would be contacting Women’s Aid too. But very definitely the health visitor. His behaviour, anger and frustration with such a young child is very concerning and keeping the wee one safe is obviously your top priority. You CAN do this. You know in your gut his behaviours are unacceptable. Good luck.

[MommaCNBS]

My heart breaks for you! I could have written this post myself. After 21 years with my husband he finally decided he was miserable and wanted out. I was truly heartbroken but did a lot of soul searching and thinking. Guess who tried running back? Yeah, took just a couple of weeks for him to see what he had. I didn’t fall for it and I knew it was my way out. I got a second job the week he left and haven’t asked for a single thing from him. He basically confessed to leaving just to get a rise out of me, for me to beg him to stay and that didn’t happen! I’m saving my money and will get my own place, then he can have the house back. We are civil but I have told him I am 100% done.
I truly hope things work out best for you! You are strong and can do this!

[PigeonDove]

Thank you both. I just know if I try and leave he'll wheel out his depression. And I don't mean that to sound flippant or dismissive of depression, but I hate how he uses it as a weapon and then he starts talking about suicide. He says I can't mention treading on eggshells as that's not appropriate to say to someone who has depression. I just wake up with dread every day, dreading hearing the floor creak upstairs and knowing he's awake, wondering what mood he's going to be in. I have just been getting DS' breakfast ready and kept dropping everything because I feel so anxious and shaky. When DS naps later I will try and do some more research about where I could go with DS and cat.

[MommaCNBS]

This seriously sounds just like my life. My husband has depression from 2 deployments and losing his mother. I tried to get him to seek help but he refused because he didn’t want medication. He would say “you can fix me, just love me more.” I put my whole heart into him but nothing was enough. I was miserable and walking on eggshells for so many years but I didn’t want to be the one to break our family up. He left just a couple of months ago and even though I still see him almost everyday when he comes by for the kids, I can breathe. So much weight lifted! I wish you had family or friends to go to but you will get this figured out.

[EarthSight]

@fabulous40s What were you thinking telling the OP to show this thread to a man like that???

[S00LA]

I know people say to get your ducks in a row, but I have been thinking of leaving for a while, but if I turn round to him and say I'm leaving / want him to leave, he will just turn hostile and nasty. I have nowhere to go and practically no savings

You seem to think the phrase “ get your ducks in a row “ means “ ask your abusive partner to leave “.

It doesn't mean that AT ALL. In fact it’s EXTREMELY IMPORTANT that you don’t discuss any of this with him . You need to act as normal as possible when he is there.

Getting your ducks in a row is what you do when he is NOT THERE. It
means

contacting all the support services you can ( health visitor, GP, women’s aid )

Listening to then and taking their advice

Making a detailed plan of how to leave and when

Making copies of all paperwork and keeping in the cloud / emailing to friends . Don’t keep on your phone.

Sorting out finances.

Getting as much out of the house as possible in advance, especially your and your DS passport.

Once you have a clear plan, enlisting the help of a few good friends who you trust 100% and can offer practical support

Implementing that plan.

Let me repeat - don’t talk to your husband or show his this thread.

You have spent YEARS talking to him about his behaviour and it’s made no difference, he’s had hundreds of chances to change over the last 16 years.

I want to be clear - you and your son are at risk as soon as you plan to leave. It’s the most dangerous time for women and children and when they are most likely to be injured or killed.

“ I’m thinking of leaving you “ isn’t a threat to be used to manipulate him into doing what you want. It’s a phrase that will make him much more angry, controlling and abusive.

Don’t talk - act.

[Keha]

Hi OP. A few things you've said would be considered triggers/warming signs for him to potentially become more abusive in future. I work with people who are in abusive relationships and we do something called a DASH risk assessment (google it if you want). As PP says, abuse commonly gets worse after a relationship ends. Although he sounds unpleasant, it sounds like this has been going on a while and there is no immediate risk to you (although I think you need to keep a good eye on him with your son). From what you've said about him it's hard to know how bad the situation is, if he's been gaslighting you your sense of what is normal could be quite warped. But he could also be someone who is struggling atm and things could improve if he recognises it and gets support.

I would advise not saying anything about leaving at the moment. Contact your HV or women's aid or your councils domestic abuse service. If need be they can make arrangements to see you in ways he won't know about. Get some advice and some detailed outside perspective.