Has anyone forgiven an emotional affair?

[mumofpickles]

How do you move on? Is it possible to? I Would really appreciate hearing how other people got through this, stay or leave. We have young children to consider too.

Think he has tricked you into calling this an emotional affair. They held hands, held each other, kissed, etc. No sex but still a proper affair.

You can forgive if you like but it's very likely that the affair is a symptom of an unhealthy relationship and, more importantly, a partner who is not invested in the relationship between you. That's not to say that any difficulties in the relationship is your responsibility. Howver, it's very likely that at some point afterwards the same behaviour will reappear in the future because your partner simply does not choose to communicate their needs to you but to someone else who gives them some kind of validation. I speak from experience. Anyone who chooses not to speak with the other partner has huge potential for ruining the relationship. It's a toxic mixture of withdrawal and deceit

It's more than an emotional affair, they met up and kissed.

If you hadn't caught him they would have had sex very soon, I bet they had plans already in place.

Please don't let him minimise. Is he really sorry, or just sorry he's been caught?

Having read the details again, I also agree it's not just emotional. I suspect that they didn't just 'bump' into each other on both these occasions but that they planned it and may well have slept together. I think I tried to minimize the EA my ex husband had because I didn't want to stare it in the face whilst I was still in love with him. However, now that we're divorced I can see the situation for what it was and can identify the depth of his deceit and betrayal. I think you need to need to acknowledge that this was probably more than an emotional attachment but a full blown affair or something that would have escalated to this point very quickly

Another one who has stayed. Not an emotional affair, but a brief fling that 'allegedly' didn't involve doing the deed 6 years ago.

He has tried very hard to make amends, but it is not the same. It no longer hurts, but there is a profound disappointment. I don't love him in the same way.

If it wasn't for the fact he is a great Dad and truly equal in the sharing of parenting and all household tasks (and the fact I would have to give up my beloved horse) I would have walked.

My H had an emotional affair throughout my pregnancy with DS2, with an old fling. He denies everything, but he'd deleted the entire message history between him and her, and lied to my face when I saw a message from her pop up on his phone - he said there was no message when I'd seen it with my own eyes.

He'd neglected to tell this woman of my existence, and of the fact he was about to become a dad. Apparently, he was only messaging her because he 'felt sorry for her' because her latest boyfriend had left her alone and pregnant. The irony isn't lost on me.

This was nearly 7 years ago. I've never forgiven him. My mental health took an absolute battering (I already have C-PTSD from previous abusive relationships), the already fragile trust was shattered, and I lost all respect for him.

I'm leaving after Christmas. The kids and I deserve better. I don't want the kids to grow up in this atmosphere of malignant mistrust. My H will never change - he's just sorry he got caught, the weak-minded, white-knighting, spineless arsehole.

I swear I put bloody paragraphs in

Thank you all I am here and reading. It was after all physical as well. Today has been emotional and draining. Thank you for all sharing your experiences sadly this seems more common than I realised. I am in turmoil trying to decide what to do.

I had an emotional affair. I post to offer a different perspective and hopefully not to be roasted alive over my mistakes. At the time it happened i was very sad and lonely and got no emotional support at home or friendship. I then crossed paths with someone who was kind and thoughtful and thats where i got things wrong.

For us it was the symptom of a
Marriage that was failing. It was hard to explain this to someone else who i had hurt. We had marriage counselling, which was very useful in understanding the relationship and each other and in trying to process what had happened and how to move forward.

In the end we did split around a year later. My ex would probably say because of the affair. I would say it was more because he wanted to get things back to how they were, but how things were had been unbearable for me and the DC and i wanted to be together but things be different. I don't think My ex wanted to change or understood why it would be good for us all. And of course, he doesn't have to.

I think marriages absolutely can be saved but it would be a long process and deep down you both have to still want the same things. And it requires real bravery on both parts and searingly honest conversation and admissions on all sides as to what lead to a situation where this happened. Thats the only way for it not to become a pattern i think is that kind of understanding. And that is hard when you are the victim and didn't ask for any of this.

Fast forward 3 years and an unpleasant divorce (rushed by ex as he was hurting so much). We have really cooperative shared care and all go to parties and football together etc. He had a new gf (colleague) 8 weeks after separation and she moved in within 6 months engaged within the year before divorce even through. They were due to be married this summer. I have a long term partner i just bought a house with i take things slow and steady. Kids are well adjusted. I wish we had not drifted so far apart when together but we are both happier now then when married.

Shehadsomuchpotential thank you for sharing - this is what scares me. I go through the pain of trying to move on with him and I just can't so we then divorce. It would be prolonging the pain. But, I can't erase 24 years of shared history which was happy. I still don't know what was wrong for him in our marriage to make him do this. I had no idea he was unhappy. I certainly wasn't. He has organised councilling to help him unpick why he did this as he says he doesn't know why himself. That's the hardest part not understanding why.

I understand your fear, but there is no rush. To have a good divorce and good outcomes afterwards you need to be 100% sure you did all you could and have few regrets. It means you wont look back and your kids also see you trying. So therefore all the trying you are doing now will either work out, which is great, or it won't-but the process of trying will leave you more at peace as you will feel confident it couldn't be saved. If that makes sense. This time and process will not be wasted whatever the outcome.

Its a good sign DH wants to understand himself better and i hope he can find ways to communicate his learning with you. I'd suggest that once he is a little further along i
in that that you have some therapy too or even together. I use a lot of the things i learnt there in my new relationship so it was not wasted.

I am sorry this happened to you x

Shehadsomuchpotential thank you, that is one of the most helpful things I have read. He has already found and contacted a Councillor and asked me if I could bear to do some couples counselling with him whatever my decision is. I am going to have some individual sessions too. This is my worry. I make a decision now that I may regret. The choices are completely mine to make for me and the children and it scares me.

I'm so sorry @mumofpickles

I am 4 weeks into finding out about mine's affair. 12 years together and 2 primary aged children. I only found out because her Dh found out and rang me. He was with her in a hotel at the time. I had no idea -well I thought something was off as he left to go but thought I was being unfair and I was upset with myself for questioning him, when I had no reason to, so feel like a complete mug.

It's devastating- I think other people have summed it up well, that I will know I've tried to make this work. Perhaps in the process I will start to detach or some days I actually feel quite positive for the future.

The reality has set in now, that this is what it's going to be like for a long time and it does feel overwhelming.

It is completely devastating- I'm in the same boat as now somehow responsible for making the decision that will impact on our whole family. I know it was him that chose to do it but he's now a crying mess because he's been caught and promising the earth - and it's down to me to blow our kids worlds apart (or not). They have no idea that anything is wrong - it's not like they live in an unhappy house, listening to arguments - we've always got on so well. It is so very very unfair.

The GP has referred me for some therapy and we are going to go to relate but I have no idea how all this will end.

Good luck OP, I found reading books helpful. 'Not just friends' by Shirley Glass - I saw it on here. To get my own thoughts sorted.

I'm so sorry you're in this position too.

@mumofpickles

Shehadsomuchpotential thank you for sharing - this is what scares me. I go through the pain of trying to move on with him and I just can't so we then divorce. It would be prolonging the pain. But, I can't erase 24 years of shared history which was happy. I still don't know what was wrong for him in our marriage to make him do this. I had no idea he was unhappy. I certainly wasn't. He has organised councilling to help him unpick why he did this as he says he doesn't know why himself. That's the hardest part not understanding why.

How old are your children ? I ask because you say 24 years of shared history.

@shehadsomuchpotential

I had an emotional affair. I post to offer a different perspective and hopefully not to be roasted alive over my mistakes. At the time it happened i was very sad and lonely and got no emotional support at home or friendship. I then crossed paths with someone who was kind and thoughtful and thats where i got things wrong.

For us it was the symptom of a
Marriage that was failing. It was hard to explain this to someone else who i had hurt. We had marriage counselling, which was very useful in understanding the relationship and each other and in trying to process what had happened and how to move forward.

In the end we did split around a year later. My ex would probably say because of the affair. I would say it was more because he wanted to get things back to how they were, but how things were had been unbearable for me and the DC and i wanted to be together but things be different. I don't think My ex wanted to change or understood why it would be good for us all. And of course, he doesn't have to.

I think marriages absolutely can be saved but it would be a long process and deep down you both have to still want the same things. And it requires real bravery on both parts and searingly honest conversation and admissions on all sides as to what lead to a situation where this happened. Thats the only way for it not to become a pattern i think is that kind of understanding. And that is hard when you are the victim and didn't ask for any of this.

Fast forward 3 years and an unpleasant divorce (rushed by ex as he was hurting so much). We have really cooperative shared care and all go to parties and football together etc. He had a new gf (colleague) 8 weeks after separation and she moved in within 6 months engaged within the year before divorce even through. They were due to be married this summer. I have a long term partner i just bought a house with i take things slow and steady. Kids are well adjusted. I wish we had not drifted so far apart when together but we are both happier now then when married.

All very interesting but your perspective is calm and measured because you were the guilty party . Of course it is easy for you to have your "peace" . As you say you are using things you learnt in therapy hopefully not do the same thing again to someone else.

OP, you say that your husband doesn't know why he did this. Could it be a mid-life crisis?

I'm so sorry to see your update mum of pickles and sending you strength.

I was also terrified to make the wrong decision, whichever way I decided to go I wanted to be absolutely sure. I didn't want to turn my back on 24 years of marriage but I also didn't want to roll over and accept what he'd done. I didn't want to divorce him based on a knee jerk reaction and although everyone I knew thought I should leave him I didn't.

It is incredibly scary not knowing which way to go and like you I had the children to think of. They haven't escaped unscathed and have suffered with anxiety, but us staying together was right for all of us. You have to do what you feel is right and if that takes time for you to work it out then he will have to wait. He doesn't get to decide what you do next.

Take your time OP. Whatever you choose to do it will work out OK in the end.

Catch a cloud I am so sorry to hear you are going through this too. And yes to a PP I do think this is a mid life crisis. All of your sympathy and kind words are so appreciated I never thought I would get confort from strangers in a forum. My children are young in primary school and are not old enough to fully understand. They are unaware of any problems as yet both our families have scooped us all up and wrapped us in love to help process what has happened and are treating them with days out, sleepovers and activities as it is half term. We are very lucky and I have the love and support of his family too as well as my own. I hope counselling will be able to help us and I am going to ask for a separation in the short term whilst I continue to process and come to terms with everything. I always thought I would LTB without hesitation which was what I first said to him. Everyone close asked me to give myself time to think ask questions and explore the full range of emotions before doing anything and as the days go on I can now understand why. I feel completely conflicted emotionally although more rational in my thinking. My sympathy to you all who have also been forced to tread this path.

Hi Op, how are you?

Up and down to be honest. Catchacloud how are you doing? Sorry you will be experiencing the same painful feelings I am.