DV- pleaded not guilty-to attend trial

[secular89]

Hello all,

Had to NC as this is very outing.

I was with my ex for 9 years- always has been physically and emotionally abusive. Last year, he assaulted me in my parents house and in front of my child. I was left with a black bruised eye for two weeks, had to attend hospital for a brain scan. No internal injuries, thank God.

I got an restraining order and agreed with police to get him charged. He was on bail conditions, but failed to attend to one of his bail hearings (?). Hence, police were not able to locate him and a warrant was out for his arrest.

I was getting on with my life. I have finished my Masters degree, being there for my child and I have secured my first job. Did not hear from my ex. However, three weeks ago, I received a call from the police, telling me that they have found my ex and would attend a bail hearing a week prior. Today, I just received a phone call that my ex has pleaded not guilty and I have to attend court in two weeks. The police also said that they would like the family member to attend as she was a witness. But knowing her, she won't go through with it and I cannot place that in her head.

I'm in two minds. I don't know if I want to attend court. I was getting on with my life, not a care for him, not thinking of him and now this- I don't know what to do.. what to expect. My ex has dangerous friends and I'm worried that they will come after me.
I don't understand why he pleaded non-guilty and he has always pleaded guilty. I don't know what to do? What do I tell me new job? What should I expect when I go to court?

[dublingirl66]

But you didn't cause this
He did

Not your problem

I'm petrified of court
Upsetting my family

Others finding out

I need to push ahead and I will attend

Please get support from the agencies available to you

Best wishes !!!

[category12]

What if you don't go through with it, and he goes free and takes that as licence to come round & beat you to death?

You can't live your life on what ifs. It was his crime - what follows, and his mental health is his own responsibility.

[MoJoBangles]

I completely agree with @Wellthisisshit. OP, you know better than anyone the level of danger your ex presents to you. I also know as a fellow DV survivor that this latest assault is likely the tip of the iceberg for the abuse you have suffered at the hands of this man and your fear is justified.

Has he been threatening suicide? Please know that abusive men commonly use this tactic to maintain control. I would advise contacting the national domestic violence helpline and also victim support. They will be able to offer advice and support no matter what you decide to do.

Do you know which crime he has been charged? (i.e assualt, GBH etc.). If there is strong evidence against him, he will likely be advised by his solicitor to change his plea to guilty with the offer of a reduced sentence but it really depends on his past convictions, seriousness of the crime and let's face it, the judge you get on the day. In my case, my ex pleaded guilty to assault on the day so I didn't have to testify. He only got 6 months probation and had to attend a perpetrator course (which only made him more abusive) but this was a few years ago and well before coercive control laws came in.

I would really recommend reading "How he gets in her head" by Don Hennessy. It has really helped me work through the confusion after leaving my abusive exH and helped me understand the danger he still poses. Also, Lundy Bancroft has some excellent resources on child contact with DV perpetrators which may come in useful if he does apply for unsupervised contact with your DD.

lundybancroft.com/articles/assessing-risk-to-children-from-batterers/

I just want to say how much I admire your strength and resilience. It sounds like you are starting to rebuild your life which takes enormous courage.

There is light at the end of the tunnel 💐

[secular89]

Thank you MoJoBangles. He got charged with common assault and criminal damage. I really don't know what to do. I was getting on with my life, and a year later after the abuse, I'm called to go to court. In honesty, I'm in two minds whether I should proceed or not.

[secular89]

MoJoBangles What made you decide to go to court and what was the aftermath?

[Bunnymumy]

His sort don't kill themselves. They may threaten to, but that's just manipulation. Besides, he'll have difficulty doing so in the clink. And also I think they have access to mental health services in there so it might be the best place for him.

Honestly though op, it's much more likely he will kill someone else rather than himself. You've already seem first hand he can be violent to other people.

As for your kid...they'd be much better growing up without this man in their life.

[rottiemum88]

Why not just be honest OP, you’re not in two minds at all are you? You don’t want to go and at the moment you’ve pretty much decided you won’t go. All the excuses you‘ve provided for not going are just that, excuses. This person did an awful, inexcusable thing and needs to be punished for that in accordance with the law. He’s an adult man who’s responsible for himself and it’s your civic duty to stand in that courtroom and tell your story so that he can receive an appropriate sentence, with all the facts present. Would you like to have it on your conscience if another woman suffers the same as you in a few years time, because he got away with it this time? Why is that easier for you to stomach than doing the right thing?

[category12]

But op, it might be the impending court case that has made him keep away and allow you to get on with your life.

If you don't follow through, he's not going to be grateful, he will see it as weakness and potentially an opening.

His abuse comes from entitlement, so he won't see you withdrawing as something to be grateful for.

[MoJoBangles]

Sorry I just read that you posted the charge earlier. I doubt he will get a custodial sentence but obviously I don't know the detailed facts of your case. The police are encouraged to proceed with prosecutions of DV even if the woman retracts her statement so it is possible you may be summoned to testify. Do you have a local womens centre? The one where I live has certain drop in days where you can have a free 30 min consultation with a solicitor. Also check if your local police have a safegurading team (you really should have been allocated to a safeguarding police officer but i know this doesn't happen everywhere). They usually have specialist DV training and are better at supporting victims through trial.

The biggest driving factor for me pursuing the charge was that he injured my DS (who was 2 at the time) by giving him a black eye when he lunged for me.

Social services became involved and I was terrified they would doubt my ability to keep my DC safe. They never charged him with injuring my DS however, despite the fact that it occurred because my ex was attacking me (thereby endangering his own DS). Unfortunately there are still so many professionals in the system that will prioritise the man's "right" to child access, despite that they have shown utter disregard for their child's safety by abusing the mother (whether in front of the child or not).

I'll be honest that the only peace I have had from my ex is over the last 5 years where he has been in prison for a different offence. There was never any real justice for the abuse he put me and my DC through. The one case that made it to court seemed so trivial compared to all that he had put me through, so I remember feeling dissalusioned with the whole justice system. No sentence would stop the abuse other than being put away forever. The best I could hope for is that he would lose interest in me and the DC. I know you are hoping this too.

He gets out next year and I'm still terrified. I know he is at high risk of killing me and I have had to accept that no restraining order will be enough to stop him. The justice system is failing miserably at protecting women. It's such a lonely place to be when no one around you can possibly understand that fear.

Whatever you decide to do OP, it will be the right choice for you and your DD

[MoJoBangles]

Sorry I just read that you posted the charge earlier. I doubt he will get a custodial sentence but obviously I don't know the detailed facts of your case. The police are encouraged to proceed with prosecutions of DV even if the woman retracts her statement so it is possible you may be summoned to testify. Do you have a local womens centre? The one where I live has certain drop in days where you can have a free 30 min consultation with a solicitor. Also check if your local police have a safegurading team (you really should have been allocated to a safeguarding police officer but i know this doesn't happen everywhere). They usually have specialist DV training and are better at supporting victims through trial.

The biggest driving factor for me pursuing the charge was that he injured my DS (who was 2 at the time) by giving him a black eye when he lunged for me.

Social services became involved and I was terrified they would doubt my ability to keep my DC safe. They never charged him with injuring my DS however, despite the fact that it occurred because my ex was attacking me (thereby endangering his own DS). Unfortunately there are still so many professionals in the system that will prioritise the man's "right" to child access, despite that they have shown utter disregard for their child's safety by abusing the mother (whether in front of the child or not).

I'll be honest that the only peace I have had from my ex is over the last 5 years where he has been in prison for a different offence. There was never any real justice for the abuse he put me and my DC through. The one case that made it to court seemed so trivial compared to all that he had put me through, so I remember feeling dissalusioned with the whole justice system. No sentence would stop the abuse other than being put away forever. The best I could hope for is that he would lose interest in me and the DC. I know you are hoping this too.

He gets out next year and I'm still terrified. I know he is at high risk of killing me and I have had to accept that no restraining order will be enough to stop him. The justice system is failing miserably at protecting women. It's such a lonely place to be when no one around you can possibly understand that fear.

Whatever you decide to do OP, it will be the right choice for you and your DD

[Bunnymumy]

That's a really good point from pp. Abusers see kindness or compromise or doing them a favour as weakness. And they attack weakness. It's like blood in the water for a shark.

It might be that he is currently on his best behaviour as the court case is pending. But if he gets away with it he will feel like he can get away with everything. And if he gets away with it because you let him, he will see you as not just an enemy, but an injured enemy. And will go in for the kill. He will absolutely try to destroy you.

You have to show strength against these sorts. And fearlessness. And that you will go to the authorities and work with them. Backing down from the fight is really not a smart option. You cant lose a battle and expect to win the war. And make no mistake, he sees this as war.

[dublingirl66]

Sorry to hear all these other sad stories

I'm going for many reasons

But one is def so that another innocent does not suffer at his hands

Best of luck with your decision
Many of us do this and make it out ok so don't let the fear put you off

[MitziK]

@secular89

I'm in two minds. I don't know if I can go through with it. What happens if he gets convicted and he kills himself. I can't have that on my conscious.

That would be his choice and he won't do it anyhow

Not your problem.

[Northernparent68]

If you do nt want to go to court, why did you involve the police in the first place

[secular89]

Nothernparent68 I'm going to court because he plead non guilty. I assumed he would have said guilty

[category12]

@secular89

Nothernparent68 I'm going to court because he plead non guilty. I assumed he would have said guilty

But that's because he's been advised to change his plea to "not guilty" in the hopes that witnesses won't turn up.

It's a really common strategy.

What often then happens, when the witnesses do turn up to court on the day, the defendant quickly changes plea again and then sometimes it doesn't even go any further for the witnesses, they can just get sent home.

That's what happened in both cases I've been involved with. The guy pleaded "not guilty" right up to the court appearance, and then changed to "guilty" when the witnesses attended. We all got sent home. But if we hadn't turned up, the strategy would have paid off.

[Zuzu5]

Sorry OP but I cant understand how you dont want to go to court because you dont want his suicide on your conscience, but what about if he doesnt get convicted and then another woman or child is assaulted by him?

Whatever he does is not your fault. You are only responsible for you and your actions, his behaviour and the consequences of them are his problem, but I think you know deep inside that these are excuses. Its understandable that you're scared but I think once it's done you will feel relief and be proud of yourself. You may have gotten on with your life but has the feelings been dealt with? Perhaps standing up to him would give you closure. PP has mentioned loads of places for support and request screen in court to not have to see him. Show your child that you were strong and stood up to your bully

[dublingirl66]

I'm very stupid

Never knew this !!

Can see now why the mad bast-- in my case will be doing this next week 😳😳😳

[category12]

Yeah, we were witnesses to a sexual assault - the guy was pleading not guilty, so we were all geared up and stressed out about having to testify. Got to court, got taken into a waiting room (the witnesses were - he was kept well away from us, never saw him). Waited for a bit, then we all got sent home because he changed plea at the last minute. Bit of anti-climax, really . But a relief.

[category12]

And very worth going, cos he got convicted.

[MoJoBangles]

@Northernparent68
"If you do nt want to go to court, why did you involve the police in the first place"

I'm assuming if you were being attacked, you would ring the police to save your life and not necessarily consider the implications of going to court nearly a year after the fact.

It was very brave of OP to contact the police. On average it takes 7 assaults before the police are called by a victim. Two women a week are murdered in the UK by a partner or former partner. It's something OP has to genuinely weigh up, as the case has taken so long to get to court and OP is understandably worried that it may anger her abuser further when he has been leaving her alone until now. If he doesn't get a custodial sentence, then he will be released and extemely pissed off. Women are the best judges of the danger they are in which is backed up in the literature about assessing risk to women.

I hope you get the support you need OP. I know this goes much deeper than this one incident.

DV perpetrators are essentially sexual offenders and use the same tactics as paedophiles to gain control and maintain it over their victims. This often includes brainwashing to convince the victim that they are responsible for the abuse and the offenders behaviour. That is why suicide threats can be so powerful for a victim.

Have you had any trauma counselling OP?

[secular89]

Thank you everyone. If I do decide to go to court, do you think I should have a screen? I'm worried more about one of the other witnesses, as she will not do well and I'm sorry to say--- mess up the case. Mojobangles that's exactly my worry. The police are going to contact me today to ask if I will be attending or not. I feel like I have to go- but I'm worried about my safety.

[secular89]

he's not going to be grateful, he will see it as weakness and potentially an opening

But, why should I worry about what he thinks of me? This can't be a driving factor in my reason to pursue going to court or not.

[secular89]

It might be that he is currently on his best behaviour as the court case is pending. But if he gets away with it he will feel like he can get away with everything

This is very true. I believe this too.

[category12]

You can request special measures in court. There are allowances for intimidated witnesses, so these would probably be granted for you.