Mum wants contact only because of grandchild

[Iwonder08]

My mother and I have complicated relationship. There was no abuse of any kind when I was growing up. Relationship got much worse when my parents got divorced when I was 21. My mum announced to me she hated my dad for years and stayed married for 15+years only for my sake. They feel out of love years ago. It was amicable, but 2 years after the divorce my mum found out my dad had an affair during their marriage. She demanded I should tell my dad how disgusted I was and cut him out of my life. I refused. I assured you I understand her feelings, but he is my father, a great one and even though he wasn't a good husband for her it won't impact my relationship with him. It all went downhill from that point. She regularly tells me how awful I am, that I am just like him.
The problem is she has no one else but me, she has no contact with extended family due to various petty arguments. She currently lives in an apartment I own, she has been financially dependent on me for years.
I have a small child who she adores, she told me recently even though she loves me the only reason she tolerates me is because of her grandson.
I don't know what to do, I am conflicted between the idea of cutting her out and knowing I am the only one who she has in her life

[Iwonder08]

@justilou1 yes, that's her. She fits under borderline and narcissistic ones.
I have started practicing. I walked away immediately after she started another conversation about how unhappy she is, how other people treat her bad and how I should stop contact with people who are mean to her.
It felt so much better than trying to reason with her

[TorkTorkBam]

Good start!

[Bloomburger]

What's your fathers take on all this OP?

[justilou1]

Wonderful... I’m more interested in your father’s take on YOU looking after her

[Iwonder08]

My father is very careful not to say anything negative about my mum(completely opposite from my mum). I am fairly certain he doesn't think it is right, sometimes he even tries to help her so she doesn't bother me. It normally backfires as she is either not quite happy with the results so says he did something wrong deliberately or says she 'spent all her best years on him so he ows her much more than that'. After one episode a couple of years ago he stopped helping.
He is more worried about the situation being upsetting to me and often reminds me I shouldn't get so stressed.

[justilou1]

Interesting that you see that as positive behaviour, OP. Others see it as a way to ensure it doesn’t affect HIM at all. He could have stepped in to ensure you were not in this position as carer when you were a kid. It was a really unhealthy position to be in. He was an enabler.

[Iwonder08]

Just an update from me.. I had a heart to heart conversation with my mum. I told her how much pain and psychological damage she caused me in the last 15 years. How much it harmed me every time she lashed out on me. She talked a lot too. She said how she hates living in my apartment because under other circumstances she would tell me to f*K off quite a few times. How she hates me sitting in front of her looking and talking like my dad. How she feels I betrayed her by having such a good relationship with my dad despite the fact he 'ruined her life'.
I offered her an option to have a polite limited contact so she can see her grandchild if she wants too. She declined.
She plans to move back to her old place. She doesn't want 'to pretend'. She thinks I am trying only so I don't look bad for discarding my own mother in other people's eyes. She doesn't want to see either me or my child anymore.
I feel hurt, I know the relief will come later on.

[Iwonder08]

And thanks everyone for your kind advice. It helped a lot xx

[Coffeecak3]

Sorry it’s come to this op but I think you’ve done your best. Your dm has huge issues and would probably need years of therapy before you could have a meaningful relationship with her.

[RandomMess]

[forrestgreen]

She's shown you who she is. Take quick advantage of the financial freedom. Don't feel like you have to make a decision on whether you'll ever see her. Give it some space and see what will make YOU happy.

[justilou1]

Wow! I’m sorry your mother is such an immature, narcissistic piece of work. She couldn’t even bring herself to be grateful for you putting her up at your expense?
You were very brave to go and talk to her.

[Iwonder08]

Thank you guys! I think this time it is over for good.
She said some pretty horrible things to me. She deeply regrets having a child (me) with my father. How all her friend's daughters treat their mothers so much better, how she feels there is no mother - daughter connection between us, because my father and his family badmouthed about her (not true). That essentially I treat her like crap.
Yes, more recently even though I was helpful in a practical ways, sorting out various things for her.. I admit I was short tempered due to years of building resentment.
I have asked her does she sees any fault of hers in our difficult relationship.. She was truly gobsmacked. She said that absolutely not. She was and is a perfect mother in every single way in her view.
I feel sorry for her. She will grow old and frail with no support, she won't see how my lovely child grows. I just don't know what else can I do. She won't have a therapy and she will never change.

[justilou1]

Well, nobody can say you didn’t try. I bet she tells everyone you’re evicting her and leaving her homeless too. Horrible woman. I’m so sorry. I know you’re going to grieve for the mother you never had. (From experience.) I’d like to say that it gets better, but it will always leave an empty space. I do recommend that you receive counselling, because it will help. Much empathy, and big hugs!!! (Also - I really do think you were very brave!)

[Iwonder08]

@justilou1 thank you so much. I will get council ING. I could do with some external help.

[Mittens030869]

She very likely isn't an 'excellent friend' at all. It's very easy to be superficially a good friend without really being close to people.

I used to think that my abusive F was well thought of and respected by everyone who knew him, especially for the way he coped with his Parkinson's Disease in later years. It made it impossible for me to admit that I couldn't bear to be around him and I felt like a horrible daughter, so I played the dutiful daughter as an adult. (Thankfully I lived a long way from home so I wasn't with my parents very often.)

But when years after his death, my DSis and I disclosed the SA we had suffered at his hands, it was telling that no one had difficulty believing that my F was capable of that. No one has ever accused us of making it up.

So he wasn't as well thought of as I had thought. Your mother's friends are very likely not as close to her you think they are. If there are things they don't like about her, they're hardly going to say that to her daughter, are they?

[Mittens030869]

Sorry, I've just read your update. Well done for making the break, she sounds really toxic and you'll be much happier without her bringing you down. What an extraordinary lack of self awareness as well.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It is not your fault at all that she chose to stay married to your father, that was her sole decision. She has merely made you her scapegoat for her poor choices and bad decisions and continues in this vein. Her response to you was par for the course for such disordered of thinking people. It was all me me and me and narcissists really do have NO empathy or insight.

You will also need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. Do look into therapy, have a look at BACPs website. You need to find a therapist who has NO familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment. These people too are like shoes, you need to find someone who fits in with you and your approach.

[Iwonder08]

Thank you for your kind comm3. I will look for a therapist. I am confident it is for the best. She said to my toddler the other day that 'she doesn't need him or love him anymore' when he was a bit naughty. He is too small to care, but I don't like it at all. I don't want him to be subjectes to this behaviour

[RandomMess]

You have done amazingly to stay strong to sit through that conversation of "me me me me" you know it's her and yes to therapy to help you emotionally deal with who she really is and how much she has failed you.

[billy1966]

OP,
You will come to realise this is a good outcome.

Grieve for the person you wish she was and not who she is.

These are her choices.

Therapy would be helpful with the right person.

[justilou1]

I suspect you will soon channel the anger you feel that anyone would say something like that to your toddler (especially their grandmother) to punish them. You know what that kind of behaviour did to you when you were repeatedly exposed to it over time - it erodes self-confidence and makes you question everything. You and your son will never question your unity. Be kind to yourself.