Mum wants contact only because of grandchild

[Iwonder08]

My mother and I have complicated relationship. There was no abuse of any kind when I was growing up. Relationship got much worse when my parents got divorced when I was 21. My mum announced to me she hated my dad for years and stayed married for 15+years only for my sake. They feel out of love years ago. It was amicable, but 2 years after the divorce my mum found out my dad had an affair during their marriage. She demanded I should tell my dad how disgusted I was and cut him out of my life. I refused. I assured you I understand her feelings, but he is my father, a great one and even though he wasn't a good husband for her it won't impact my relationship with him. It all went downhill from that point. She regularly tells me how awful I am, that I am just like him.
The problem is she has no one else but me, she has no contact with extended family due to various petty arguments. She currently lives in an apartment I own, she has been financially dependent on me for years.
I have a small child who she adores, she told me recently even though she loves me the only reason she tolerates me is because of her grandson.
I don't know what to do, I am conflicted between the idea of cutting her out and knowing I am the only one who she has in her life

[Iwonder08]

@twaddledee That would be a nice situation, but not true unfortunately.
The property my father left her in the divorce is a small place in another town/my home town. It doesn't cost much and is she is currently trying to sell it. My mum decided 3 years ago she doesn't want to live in that town, she said she was depressed and needed a change so she moved in to a little flat I own in a different town. I currently live with my DH in a family home which is heavily mortgaged. I worked very hard to buy that little flat and it would be good for me from the financial perspective to sell it now.
She won't be homeless if I sell my own flat, but she would be forced to go back to my home town which she hates.

[TorkTorkBam]

In that case sell the flat.

Her temporarily having to live in her own place until it sells, which she doesn't like, is not a good enough reason for you to put up with this crap from her.

[justilou1]

What she (@TorkTork) said.... Sell the flat!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not changed in all that time. You still remind her of your dad, a man whom she detests beyond measure. I would also think your sister is never treated like you are by your so called mother.

Sell the flat and thus force mother to go back to this hometown that she hates. You've enabled her long enough and what you have tried to date has not at all worked. You still do not have her approval (not that you need it anyway) and you are mired in fear, obligation and guilt. She installed those in you and knows all too well how to press those buttons.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

How do you know she is an excellent friend?. This does not square with all the other comments you have written about her but for such disordered of thinking people like your mother, her good person image to the outside world is of utmost importance.

Her so called "friends" are likely to be of the same bent as she is. Such toxic and manipulative people too do not really have friends either because they use people.

[forrestgreen]

Sell!

[RandomMess]

Why do you want to expose your child to an utterly toxic and manipulative person???

Get her out the flat and hope she cuts you off...

[Iwonder08]

@attilaTheMeerkat.you got it right, it is extremely important to her what other people think. She is very proud of being 'honest, decent person'. I said she is a good friend because I've heard it from her friends. She is supportive and will always help if they need anything. It is different with the family though.
I will try to structure the contact so it is not too frequent. I will talk to her again regarding the flat. I fully expect shouting and drama, she always says she know I am going to through her out.. I will give her a deadline until she has to either move back to her own place or sell and buy something else. I think it is reasonable.

[RandomMess]

I would tell her that for financial reasons you HAVE to sell and it's going on the market in X and serve her notice as if she were a tenant.

You are at huge risk of her refusing to move out...

[julybaby32]

OP you sound so much like a person I know and dearly love, and your mother sounds so much like that person's mother. Please be kind to yourself and set some boundaries. Please don't blame yourself for having been brought up by someone who is abusing you. Please don't blame yourself for having been abused by her since you reached adulthood. Please don't let her have more access to your child than you can help. Please don't let anyone start making you feel guilty for being and enabler. She has chosen her behaviour. I have to admit that I am a little cynical about this "affair" she found out about later. Please don't waer yourself into the ground trying to make it alright for her - you will never ever be able to do that, and no human being can.
The person I love dearly (who is a generation older than you I think.) has come to the realisation that "some people can never be pleased." You might find it helpful to see it in that way, like water being wet, or gravity existing. You can't change her. You can't change your looks. You can get better at escaping from the years of conditioning though practise.
Don't swallow the stuff about the high blood pressure. The person I love was told their mother had a heart problem and might be killed if they did anything that displease them. the mother is still alive well into her 90s. (and they did, inevitably do things that annoyed her, like failing the 11 plus, not cutting off and being ashamed of their father because he "didn't look smart enough".)
And, yes, the boasting and being proud of you to other people. This is to look good in front of others. You do sound like someone to be genuinely proud of though.
Think about how much you love your son. If he was an adult, would this be an acceptable way to treat him? I'm sure you would not act like this towards him. It's not OK for anyone to act that way towards you.
Regarding the apartment, I suspect that you might find that if she does sell the house, you will still be paying the mortgage on the apartment and she will be spending or hoarding the money. (or losing it in a get rich quick scheme.)
Perhaps you could give her a deadline and if she has not sold the house by then, and bought you out of the apartment or bought somewhere else to live, then she has to go back to her house. She cannot claim you are making you homeless, if she has a house she owns to go back to. However, I think you may be wise to seek legal advise about this.

[TorkTorkBam]

Noooo, too much appeasement. You will try to... You will talk to her again.... You expect a bad reaction.... You layout her options like she's a idiot whose thinking skills are lacking... Aargh. No. Stop.

You are both adults with agency. Stop the mutual manipulation.

In writing: Mum I am selling the flat. You have to be out by
Her: You awful child blah blah blah What am I supposed to do blah blah blah .
You:

She had many options, you don't have to lay them out like either move back to her own place or sell and buy something else She also has friends she could stay with. Rentals exist. She could rent her house out. None of this needs your involvement. You set a date for her to exit your place. That's all. Stay out of which one of her many options she takes.

Don't try to reduce contact. Do it.

She kicks off at you regularly now when you are in full on appeasement mode, so she will kick off a little bit more. Be ready to ignore like a toddler tantrum.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What torktorkbam wrote here. This is the way forward for you. There is too much appeasement from you here to your mother and doing that apart from not working will also incur the full force of her narcissistic rage.

Do not JADE your mother i.e justify, argue, defend or explain your decisions. Its your flat and you can put this on the market at a date of your own choosing. She does not get to decide terms here.

Re your comment:-
" I said she is a good friend because I've heard it from her friends. She is supportive and will always help if they need anything. It is different with the family though"

Her friends are just like your mother; these people are no friends either. They're likely to be as narcissistic as she is or are her trained flying monkeys. Narcissists use people just as you are being used. You've been trained here and otherwise conditioned by her to put your own needs and wants dead last.

[MillyMollyFarmer]

Look I am pretty blunt on stuff like this so I hope you don’t think I’m insensitive as I can see you’re struggling with a sense of duty. But this is seriously not healthy to conduct a relationship this way and to accept these repeated insults and mean comments. It’s not good for you and therefore not your son. You have to ask yourself what the cost is to you, to continue this relationship. Can you be yourself? Are you treated well? Do you leave this person feeling bad about yourself? Does this person take advantage financially? All these questions are important. It’s not your job to save your mother.
So personally, I would sell the flat and she can sort herself. Don’t accept yelling or drama, walk away from it. Say what you’re doing and why and then that you expect her to respect that decision and stop taking advantage.
Then I would sit her down and say very clearly what you will no longer tolerate from her. You will not accept the mean comments and if she really doesn’t like you and is only there for her grandchild, then you must tell her that’s not acceptable and contact will be limited or end completely if she doesn’t find a way to be a loving respectful parent. If there is yelling and more blame, simply walk out. Leave it with her. She either comes to you wanting to move forward in a healthy way, or your contact is limited because she is so unpleasant.

Ask yourself, what are you worth? Would you want your son to see what you’re doing and grow up to let someone, a partner friend or relative, treat him just as badly, and make him feel awful? You wouldn’t want that for him. Don’t accept that for yourself.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Being with your mother is a lot like living under the supervision a six year old child. Her emotional age is around the age of six; her emotional development stopped then. Toddlers too grow up, your mother is grown up now and has agency as infact do you. She also taught you to be codependent and that state does you no favours either. Why are her needs seemingly more important here than yours?.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Such people like your mother love nothing more than to be able to swoop in and rescue at any signs of drama. She is doing that also so she can bask in the reflected glory, appearance to the outside world is all that matters to such disordered of thinking people.

[julybaby32]

Ah, sorry OP, I cross-posted with you.

[polkadotshirt]

Poor you OP. My mum is the same saying things like I only deal with you because of gc.
I suffered abuse too but even if I didn't I would have cut her off. At first I cried and cried but then things started to feel better and now a year on I feel nothing but relief that I no longer have to deal with the extra stress she put upon me. I also hear that now she tells everyone how cruel I've been and thrives off the new drama of this, just goes to show that whatever I did I was always going to 'lose' whatever I did she'd twist it to suit her and create drama out of it.

I wasn't cruel. I was fed up with life being enough without her telling me this that and the other that led to nothing but extra sadness and stress. She used to tell me if I went nc she might die and I'd feel terrible. I've had to just accept that if this is true I will have at least had many years of less stress in between! It was her way of manipulating me yet again.

Good luck op, it's not easy but I would also suggest you at least went low contact. For me it was like ripping off a plaster. I knew deep down I'd reached my limit with her but I kept telling myself I was a bad person for doing it. My dc obviously miss their gm but I will explain to them one day what happened.

[Iwonder08]

So many things resonate here.. She does say I will feel awful if she dies alone or die because of me causing her stress. I called her out on being manipulative, she says I am manipulative.
I tried no contact once. I took her to Paris to celebrate a big birthday. She really wanted to go there for ages. Very nice hotel, fine dining etc.. Had to save up for a while. She loved the first 2 days, the day before the actual birthday we had a petty argument over free pots of cream in the hotel lobby-I asked her not to take lots of spare ones with her as we can afford to buy it. It escalated to a shouting in the middle of Versaille Palace. She said some truly awful things to me. She continued with the trip and the restaurant and spoke only to my husband, but not me. I stopped contact for 3 months. She called me after 3 months and said she desperately needed help with something and I gave in.

[redastherose]

Op your mum is abusive and manipulative. When you were young she had all the control and you would have learned not to argue with her which is why you probably think she was a good mum. Since you have grown up you can see that she isn't what you thought she was. It is worth educating yourself on the different forms of abuse.

[TorkTorkBam]

It escalated to a shouting in the middle of Versaille Palace. She said some truly awful things to me.

You actively participate in being abused. This one was super easy to solve. First of all you shouldn't have told her what to do about the cream. Secondly, given you made that mistake, when she started on you you should have walked away. There would have been no shouting match and no awful things said because you would not have been there

Same for the three days of silent treatment that both you and your husband (thanks mate!!!!) went along with.

Stop participating. There are no prizes for best martyr.

[Iwonder08]

I wonder do narcissists ever realise they are causing their own problems..
I went through years of soul searching. I thought my mum was depressed. I thought she was just desperately unhappy, I thought maybe it is just the way she expresses her thoughts but in fact she means well..i don't think any of these things now.
The thing that convinced me she is a selfish narcissistic person was when she called me when I was 9 months pregnant and shouted at me over the phone for 20 min because of something related to my dad. I just need to stop trying to help her.
One good thing came from this experience. I will do my best not to burden my child. Ever.

[TorkTorkBam]

My mum is a giant toddler. She cares about attention. She also has the world's biggest victim complex. Like a toddler she expects everything she wants, when she wants, cutted up in just the right way and even if she gets that then she might have a tantrum anyway because she didn't like the way the pieces were arranged.

I found it a lot easier to cut her access when I realised she was behaving like a big toddler. Like you, it was the birth of my own children that made me flip and be totally intolerant grey rock towards her. Good practice for actual toddler and teens it turns out, so there's that silver lining for you

[Iwonder08]

Oh FFS.. She has just called me and said she is worried I am getting fat and I won't fit in my clothes now. That my bottom is getting very big. She was on a speaker phone and even mentioned to my husband that he has to take me runninfg with him as I am piling on weight.
I have told her I don't make comments about her body shape and I won't tolerate her talking to me like that. She said fine, I am just trying to help.

For the record I did put on weight during lockdown due to moving less. I put on exactly 3 pounds and went from small size 6 to large size 6 (UK).

[TorkTorkBam]

Hang up the phone.

[TorkTorkBam]

Making you defend yourself about things that are ridiculously untrue is a power trip. By arguing you confirmed her power over you to her. Your DH didn't end the call either. She owns him too. She'll be feeling brilliant.