Mum wants contact only because of grandchild

[Iwonder08]

My mother and I have complicated relationship. There was no abuse of any kind when I was growing up. Relationship got much worse when my parents got divorced when I was 21. My mum announced to me she hated my dad for years and stayed married for 15+years only for my sake. They feel out of love years ago. It was amicable, but 2 years after the divorce my mum found out my dad had an affair during their marriage. She demanded I should tell my dad how disgusted I was and cut him out of my life. I refused. I assured you I understand her feelings, but he is my father, a great one and even though he wasn't a good husband for her it won't impact my relationship with him. It all went downhill from that point. She regularly tells me how awful I am, that I am just like him.
The problem is she has no one else but me, she has no contact with extended family due to various petty arguments. She currently lives in an apartment I own, she has been financially dependent on me for years.
I have a small child who she adores, she told me recently even though she loves me the only reason she tolerates me is because of her grandson.
I don't know what to do, I am conflicted between the idea of cutting her out and knowing I am the only one who she has in her life

[TorkTorkBam]

When she says something like that again you need to literally totally ignore it. Like no words were spoken. Say something totally irrelevant on a totally different topic. As if she had something like tourettes or a nervous tick where everyone politely ignores what just happened.

Or just hang up the phone wordlessly, even as she was mid-sentence. Then don't pick it up again if she rings back. Funny thing you have been having phone trouble sometimes you just can't hear the other person and sometimes it cuts out randomly. This is what I think of as the silent version of the game of ODFOD. It is hugely empowering.

[Iwonder08]

You all are right. The fact that not a single poster defended her is quite eye opening.
I am definitely enabling the abuse. I shouldn't argue with her at all. There is no she will ever understand she is selfish narcissistic person.
I will try grey rock method recommended. If it doesn't work then off she goes. I am done.

[MillyMollyFarmer]

Make sure you stick to that. Print this thread out and tape it inside your wardrobe to remind you.

[TorkTorkBam]

Flip your thinking. You are still trying to manipulate her.

I will try grey rock method recommended. If it doesn't work then

If it doesn't work? Do you mean, if your latest mind tricks for manipulating her behaviour to become as you wish it were do not manipulate her as you wish? No! Think in terms of I choose to protect myself and therefore I choose to be grey rock with her and maybe to stop all contact depending on how I feel.

[Ashdownstar]

I agree with everyone else. I would also highly recommend that you go and talk to a good psychotherapist, as they will be able to help you make sense of your relationship with a very difficult mother.
You have been groomed to behave the way you do, and while your interaction with her is unhealthy, it's not your fault.

[justilou1]

Or say.... “Feel better now? Good!” And hang up. Every single time.

[TorkTorkBam]

She has trained you to appease. It is a hard habit to break. Be kind to yourself.

[forrestgreen]

Tell you you have financial issues and are putting the flat on the market. As it'll sell better without a tenant you'll have to give her notice. Give her a month.
Tbh however you sugar coat it she'll kick off, so just tell her.
She'll be further away and you'll have more money. Winner

[polkadotshirt]

Oh your mum is probably great friends with my mum. My mum had loads of 'good' friends but looking back they probably had similar agendas.

I took mine to NYC and she just ordered lobster the whole week and complained when a restaurant ran out of champagne. It was for my birthday and she kept telling me off for booking this restaurant as she wanted champagne for my birthday and nothing else. Of course, I didn't want champagne and I had to pay for everything for her the whole week.

My mum also used to make the body comments, we'd go shopping and she'd hold up clothing in say, size 22 and say this would sooooo suit you. You should buy it. When I (size 10) would say mum that wouldn't fit me it's a lot bigger than me she'd feign the answer and say reallllly gosh but it looks the same size as you. While flapping it about the store to show everyone is probably put a few pounds on last time I saw her. She used to say I looked like a squashed sausage if I tried tight clothes on. I don't really know what she meant by squashed sausage.

I can honestly chuckle at so many incidents now and this keeps me going and happy I've made the right decision. I'm quite sure you'll find yourself feeling the same tbh.

[Devlesko]

None of this is your fault my love . You've done pretty shit in the parent department.
I'm confused as to how you think a good dad is one whose off shagging a bit on the side
Both have behaved appallingly, I'd tell the dm she's on her own, including housing.
Then, I'd ask myself why my standards were so low as to think my father was any better, tbh.

[Iwonder08]

@polkadotshirt.you made me smile.. Your mum should befriend mine, they sound very similar.
@devlesko I believe it is possible to be a good parent and bad spouse, you know. In this particular case my mum announced to my dad she doesn't love him, she wants a divorce, but wouldnt go for shared custody. His response was he will not object the divorce, but will fight to keep me at least 50% of time. This is what my mum told me. 5 years after the event when they just lived under the same roof rather than had a proper marriage he had an affair. You know, I wish they got divorced years ago, but given the circumstances I don't blame him for seeking comfort elsewhere

[justilou1]

Whether she lives there or not, your relationship with this woman is going to be fraught with conflict. She thrives on it. It’s how she connects and gets attention. (It’s not healthy, and it’s painful.) You’re going to be in her bad books regardless. Best do it sooner rather than later.

[user1481840227]

I find it very strange that you say there was no abuse in your childhood and yet your mother acts like this now.
Are you sure that there wasn't abuse in your childhood? I say that as someone who had an unhappy upbringing and never had a good relationship with my parents, but it took me until well into adulthood to realise that it was in fact abusive.

I've cut contact with my parents. In your situation I absolutely wouldn't facilitate contact between her and your child.

[GrownPersonHere]

My Mum and her mum, my gran, had a similar difficult relationship. She blamed my mum for her partner (My mum's dad) for leaving her, so she pretty much washed her hands of her emotionally.
Sometimes she would say to me things like 'If you need anything, you come to me, not your mum. She doesn't know how to take care of you properly.' Or 'You love your gran don't you? More than your mum? Course you do' etc. I'm getting that kind of vibe from your mum. You must protect your son, make sure she's not letting her resentment of you paint you in a bad light with your son. Sometimes they don't even know they're doing it as their judgment is so impaired from years of bitterness.

[Iwonder08]

@grownpersonhere you are absolutely right, that is my worry. May i ask what did you think/feel as a child when your gran badmouthed about your mum?
@user1481840227 There was no abuse in my childhood. Yes, my mum was always self centered, but she was never bitter or accusational back then. I ahd a happy childhood, my mum mostly concentrated on being a domestic goddess, my dad took care of education and entertainment. It got much worse when I grew up, almost like our roles reversed with my mum and I had to take care of her.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Your mother made you feel obligated to take care of her. You did not actually have to take on that role but she also primed you into doing that for her, she installed those buttons. You describe her also as self centered and that is also a huge red flag re her too.

[justilou1]

I’m guessing your dad looked after your mum until he left then. At that point he became persona non grata and you took on the role of carer. That’s not a kid’s job.

[Iwonder08]

@justilou1 that is exactly what happened

[Aerial2020]

You mum would have been toxic when you were a child but you wouldn't have seen it or known it then.

She said she wasn't abusive but you have been trained to enable and tolerate her toxicity without even realising it. I bet if you went into therapy and upicked your childhood you would have many examples you didn't even realise.

Lots of good replies on here. The Stately home thread is a good one to read.

Look after yourself.

[justilou1]

Did your Dad ever tell you why he left? I suspect she was abusive towards him before he left, then you copped it.

[Ashdownstar]

@Aerial2020 that's exactly how it was for me. She also got worse when I became independent (married, kids)

[GrownPersonHere]

[quote Iwonder08]@grownpersonhere you are absolutely right, that is my worry. May i ask what did you think/feel as a child when your gran badmouthed about your mum?
@user1481840227 There was no abuse in my childhood. Yes, my mum was always self centered, but she was never bitter or accusational back then. I ahd a happy childhood, my mum mostly concentrated on being a domestic goddess, my dad took care of education and entertainment. It got much worse when I grew up, almost like our roles reversed with my mum and I had to take care of her.[/quote]
@Iwonder08, it was so long ago, but I definetly remember knowing it didn't 'feel' right what she was saying - and she didn't treat my older bothers very well, she just favoured me which I thought was weird at the time. Now I see she was just using me to get at my mum, like she wanted to start over with another daughter or keep something from her. As a child I didn't say anything to her at the time, although I knew my mother loved me very much and she did take care of me very well. I was taught to respect my elders so answering back in anyway was a no-no. I didn't tell my mum any of this until I was older and she cried, not for herself but for me for having to deal with it even though I didn't understand it at the time. I felt so sad for her because it wasn't her fault, but she blamed herself for thinking her mum was better than that. It took a while for my mum to see that her mum wasn't good for her. Please don't leave it too late for you and your son. Your emotional and mental health is paramount now, both of you.

[Unsure33]

So when she sells the house is she going to pay you back for all the time you have subsidised her ?

[Iwonder08]

@grownpersonhere thank you for sharing that, I appreciate it
@unsure33 made mu chuckle. No, of course not. Moreover she wants told me I shouldn't worry about her living in my flat as 'after all I am going to inherit when she dies'. You can only laugh

[justilou1]

People like your mother always need someone to "look after" them and they will always resent them at the same time. It is a very weird dynamic. You should probably research Cluster B Personality Disorders and you will probably find your mother glaring right out at you. (Probably under Borderline Personality Disorder) You can't do anything about her, and seriously - the best thing you can do is let her get on with her life, because she is a destructive person to be around. She actually gets off on the power trip.