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Relationships

To not want to ask my parents for money?

137 replies

BrokenArrows · 28/08/2020 15:05

My husband is an only child. A mummy's boy. His mum (a single mum) has been very generous with giving us money each month, as well as a larger amount to help with a deposit on our house, and other amounts at random times. My husband and his mum openly talk about finances, and I feel like he kind of runs the show with her money advising her of what to do in terms of re-mortgaging, potentially selling and downsizing her house, etc. I also feel that my husband has asked directly (and pressured her) for some of the money she has given us over the years. She is a very selfless person and would always want to help others rather than herself. She's very careful with money. Very rarely eats out, never goes on holiday or to movies, or days out and never does anything nice for herself. Although we live what I consider to be a very comfortable lifestyle, we still struggle with bills sometimes. She helps with some of our DC's school fees or uniform costs, provides us with a few hundred pounds a month from a second pension she has, and would try and help more if he asked. It's very generous of her.

Now the issue is that his mum (single income and now retired) makes far less than what my parents make. Yet somehow she works some voodoo magic to come up with money whenever we need it. My parents have worked hard (as has his mum) and raised us kids comfortably, and now they are retired and living their lives and enjoying holidays, cruises, dinners out, films each week, improvements to the house etc. My husband seems annoyed with this and the fact that they don't openly just hand out money to us like his mum does.

He has asked me before to ask them for money when times have been tight, but I just don't feel right doing this. Partly because my dad and I have had a slightly rocky relationship in the past and I don't know how or want to approach the situation to ask them for money. I do not discuss money with them at all. I don't want it to create friction. But husband gets into a strop with me about it and yells at me basically out of frustration that they have more money than his mum and are enjoying their retirement. I think he feels entitled to it. I have explained to him that I'm uncomfortable asking them for money, and to me it's not worth creating any potential arguments or conflict with them. But I know he's still resentful, and occasionally still throws it in my face during an argument.

Does he have the right to be upset by this, or is he being totally unreasonable? Or am I being unreasonable by not asking my parents in the first place?

OP posts:
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Histrionicz · 28/08/2020 15:55

Please let this be a wind up.

If not, live within your means, you pair of scrounging arseholes.

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toomanyspiderplants · 28/08/2020 15:56

I think PP have been a bit harsh on you. I don't really think you want to know the answer to whether you shoukd take money from your parents. ,I think you want to know how to leave. ..?

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DolphinsAndNemesis · 28/08/2020 15:57

You may be a victim of his abuse, but I agree with PPs that you are complicit in financially abusing your MIL.

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DavetheCat2001 · 28/08/2020 16:00
Hmm
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Aweebawbee · 28/08/2020 16:01

Just to go back to OP's original point, my lovely dad lives frugally, but has, over the years, given us substantial chunks of money (towards first house and first car). DH's parents always lived quite a jet-set lifestyle and have never given us a penny.

I wouldn't judge their choices, nor would I ever ask for money from any of them. Your husband is in the wrong and you both need to reign in your spending.

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VividImagination · 28/08/2020 16:03

Yes. But he has controlled everything for so long I have no idea how to be on my own anymore. It's frightening and I'm trying to figure out what steps to take to try and get back some of my independence

Can you confide in your parents and get some help to leave him?

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SleepingStandingUp · 28/08/2020 16:04

@toomanyspiderplants

I think PP have been a bit harsh on you. I don't really think you want to know the answer to whether you shoukd take money from your parents. ,I think you want to know how to leave. ..?

The belated drip feed that she's in an abusive relationship is going to colour the replies somewhat tbf.

My DH is financially and verbally abusive to me, he's financially abusive to his mom. Aibu to not want to drag my parents into it by asking them for money? reads very different to "DH is always having money of his Mom to afford or lifestyle. I like to keep a few hundred for my own fun. Aibu to not ask my parents for more?
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LemonRabbit · 28/08/2020 16:05

Hi @brokenarrows
Your poor MIL. She obviously thinks the only way her son will love her is if he gives her money. And she’s right! Awful.
Do not ask your parents for money. I agree with others on here. You aren’t entitled to money from your parents! Stand up to DH on this. Can you belittle him for a change? Someone who is relying on his parents in his 40s (age is a guess!) is ridiculous.
I disagree with some posts on here - your DH asking for money from mum and you having a tiny personal income, which it totally allowed, are separate issues. Even if you didn’t keep any personal money, DH would still be asking his mum for money by the sounds of things.
It sounds like DH is controlling. Remind him you should be a partnership and things need to change. Or else...this (DH and MIL deciding finances, passive aggressive comments in arguments about money) isn’t a way to live OP.

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shepherdessbush · 28/08/2020 16:07

I have second hand embarrassment on your husband's part. He is greedy and entitled, I cannot believe he pressures his mother into giving you (2 able bodied working adults) money. He isn't just unreasonable, he is abusive.

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toomanyspiderplants · 28/08/2020 16:07

That's a fair point

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toomanyspiderplants · 28/08/2020 16:08

@SleepingStandingUp. fair point

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NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 28/08/2020 16:11

YANBU to refuse to ask your parents for money. I would be totally disgusted with a husband who takes money on a monthly basis from his mother who lives frugally and wants your parents to limit their spending to give money to pay for your lifestyle. What an utter parasite!

You are grown adults with children and yet are not independent. You will never experience a sense of achievement if others are financing your lifestyle. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

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FAQs · 28/08/2020 16:12

Any chance your husband has an addiction such as gambling?

But I actually agree with @WorraLiberty thoughts on this (which is rare Grin)

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AuldFox · 28/08/2020 16:14

What have I just read?

Are you and your husband not thoroughly ashamed of yourselves? If he is abusing you, you need to put on your big girl pants and leave him. You’re paying for school fees by rinsing an elderly woman! What is wrong with you??

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Boulshired · 28/08/2020 16:15

Whatever you do is probably not going to change the dynamics, maybe just make it secretive. But you are benefiting from his actions and that I could not live with. I could not live with someone who financially abuses his parent, strangely I would find that harder than being financially abused myself. The guilt would be too much that I had luxuries funded by someone who cannot afford it.

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MadameMeursault · 28/08/2020 16:16

@UnfinishedSymphon

You might not ask for it but you don't seem to have any problem spending it, I feel very sorry for his poor mum, sounds like she has little joy in her life because she's funding you two scroungers. Start living within your means and stop asking people for money.

I'm actually really angry having read your post, it's disgusting

This ^^

Why on earth are your kids in private school if you can’t afford it? Send them to state school and quit sponging.
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redpinkgreenyellowbluee · 28/08/2020 16:19

Maybe you ought to find a way to support yourselves financially and stop taking money from a pensioner.
Just a thought.

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Love51 · 28/08/2020 16:22

I'd ask your parents for some help getting out of that relationship. You need someone to bounce scenarios off.

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LadyLairdArgyll · 28/08/2020 16:23

This reply has been deleted

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RandomMess · 28/08/2020 16:23

How old are the DC?

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comingintomyown · 28/08/2020 16:23

OP I would ask for this to be deleted because if people are just looking at your opening post they are going to be answering in the same vein it will just be post upon post the same.
He is probably financially abusing his Mother as well and were you to have private access to her I bet this is is what you would find. I would start a thread on the Relationship board and start unravelling this horrible marriage

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Jeremyironsnothing · 28/08/2020 16:23

You should both be encouraging her to spend her money on nice things and holidays, just like your parents do to enjoy their retirement.
That should be the extent of your involvement with her finances- bar the school fees which it sounds like she wanted to contribute to.

Dh sounds awful. Start a new thread in relationships.

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ChicCroissant · 28/08/2020 16:24

This can't be real, no-one would take money every single month from their parents/in-laws.

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user1493494961 · 28/08/2020 16:30

Maybe next time you go out for lunch or coffee you could treat MIL, seeing as she can't afford it herself.

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wellerhugs5 · 28/08/2020 16:30

@SleepingStandingUp You hit the nail on the head right there.

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