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Relationships

To not want to ask my parents for money?

137 replies

BrokenArrows · 28/08/2020 15:05

My husband is an only child. A mummy's boy. His mum (a single mum) has been very generous with giving us money each month, as well as a larger amount to help with a deposit on our house, and other amounts at random times. My husband and his mum openly talk about finances, and I feel like he kind of runs the show with her money advising her of what to do in terms of re-mortgaging, potentially selling and downsizing her house, etc. I also feel that my husband has asked directly (and pressured her) for some of the money she has given us over the years. She is a very selfless person and would always want to help others rather than herself. She's very careful with money. Very rarely eats out, never goes on holiday or to movies, or days out and never does anything nice for herself. Although we live what I consider to be a very comfortable lifestyle, we still struggle with bills sometimes. She helps with some of our DC's school fees or uniform costs, provides us with a few hundred pounds a month from a second pension she has, and would try and help more if he asked. It's very generous of her.

Now the issue is that his mum (single income and now retired) makes far less than what my parents make. Yet somehow she works some voodoo magic to come up with money whenever we need it. My parents have worked hard (as has his mum) and raised us kids comfortably, and now they are retired and living their lives and enjoying holidays, cruises, dinners out, films each week, improvements to the house etc. My husband seems annoyed with this and the fact that they don't openly just hand out money to us like his mum does.

He has asked me before to ask them for money when times have been tight, but I just don't feel right doing this. Partly because my dad and I have had a slightly rocky relationship in the past and I don't know how or want to approach the situation to ask them for money. I do not discuss money with them at all. I don't want it to create friction. But husband gets into a strop with me about it and yells at me basically out of frustration that they have more money than his mum and are enjoying their retirement. I think he feels entitled to it. I have explained to him that I'm uncomfortable asking them for money, and to me it's not worth creating any potential arguments or conflict with them. But I know he's still resentful, and occasionally still throws it in my face during an argument.

Does he have the right to be upset by this, or is he being totally unreasonable? Or am I being unreasonable by not asking my parents in the first place?

OP posts:
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ErinBrockovich · 28/08/2020 19:50

You are both being very unreasonable to be taking money monthly from his mother!
Have you no shame?!
I couldn’t imagine asking my parents for money, even if I was on my knees. So embarrassing.

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justasking111 · 28/08/2020 19:35

I knew from the first post this OP was in trouble. Like the woman who goes to the doctor for a minor problem then during the conversation admits to a suppurating lump on her breast.

I would speak to your parents privately if they are supportive @BrokenArrows they may well be shocked at first.

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category12 · 28/08/2020 17:59

Op, speak to Women's Aid and start thinking about how to exit the relationship safely.

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NotThatStrange · 28/08/2020 17:52

As someone who was financially abused from all my family members. I feel so sorry for your MIL. My family felt entitled while giving me nothing in return. I felt that I had the obligation to go "without" to make my family "happy"

I am right now NC. This is greed as well as abuse.

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user1471538283 · 28/08/2020 17:46

This is choice. Spending another person's money is so easy. Both of you need to live according to your means and let his mother enjoy her retirement. If your DH is so obsessed with money he can go out and earn more as can you. I don't know how you can both sleep at night.

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ShellieEllie · 28/08/2020 17:12

It sounds as though he is financially abusing his mum! That really wouldn't sit well with me at all and I'd be seriously questioning my choice of husband.

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Giningit · 28/08/2020 17:08

So embarrassed for you OP to be living with a such a ManChild. I also think he sounds financially abusive.

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Sally2791 · 28/08/2020 17:05

It’s shocking that his poor mum is not enjoying her own money. Stand up to your horrible H and have no part of it. It’s wrong.

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BackforGood · 28/08/2020 17:04

You definitely need to speak to someone independent, and understand a little more about financial control / abuse and see from outside eyes how this isn't a good place to be.

Your first post has me, like so many others, unbelieving that you are funding a lavish life style such as private schooling for your dc, by taking money off your MiL every month. To be clear, I understand there are quite a lot of Grandparents that choose to do this - that is fine if their finances are secure. It is not fine if the grandparent is being pressured into downsizing, and the grandparents has a frugal lifestyle and no luxuries themselves.

Your later posts make me concerned about you.
Do please get in touch with Women's Aid for advice.

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hibbledobble · 28/08/2020 17:02

I'm also a strong believer of living in one's needs. I don't own a credit card, have never been in debt, and wouldn't ask my parents for money unless there were extreme extenuating circumstances.

It's not right to expect parents to fund a lifestyle. Private school is a luxury that few can afford. If you can't afford it, then you should move your children to a state school.

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Brainwave89 · 28/08/2020 16:57

I see some red flags here. Over time he seems to have gained some degree of control over his mum's finances, and he also seems to wish to have greater control over yours as well. On principle, I never asked my parents or in laws for money, and if you are both earning well, I am not sure why this would be necessary at all? Asking them for cash may damage the relationship you have with them.

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LilyMumsnet · 28/08/2020 16:56

We're moving this thread over to relationships now.
Please folks, remember talk guidelines and no personal attacks. If anything breaks our guidelines, report it to us so we can take it down.

OP we hope you follow other user's advice regarding woman's aid. Flowers

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AnneLovesGilbert · 28/08/2020 16:53

Why 18%?

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movpov · 28/08/2020 16:53

Well he sounds like a catch - not. Actually he sounds like a nasty piece of work, and you are enabling it. If you can't manage to support your lifestyle on what you both earn, tell him to get a better paid job and you do the same, instead of sponging off his mother. Why should she spend her hard earned money giving you several hundred pounds a month, instead of on herself? Why shouldn't your own parents enjoy their retirement with their own money? Completely unreasonable the pair of you, give the parents a break

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Purplewithred · 28/08/2020 16:52

You are in an abusive relationship and need to find support that will help you escape your prison.

You will have to learn a few new skills but many people have succeeded in leaving situations like yours and made themselves happy, successful new lives.

Flowers for taking the first step and coming on here. Hope you can follow some of the excellent advice above.

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mrsmuddlepies · 28/08/2020 16:52

Why don't you work full time? You are both being unbelievably greedy.

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Losingthechubrub · 28/08/2020 16:52

You are living beyond your means. If you can't manage on a double income, you need to look at making some changes. You clearly can't afford your 'comfortable' lifestyle, so I would suggest writing out a list of your expenditure and looking at where you can cut back. ' A 'few hundred pounds a month', what planet are you on? Let the poor woman spend her pension on herself, she's earned it!

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Thisismytimetoshine · 28/08/2020 16:51

In a lot of UMC families, people scrimp and save frenziedly to afford school fees. Parents and grannies look poor as hell in their Sainsbury's jeans when they roll up to collect Hattie & Hugo. That's cos there's a tradition of investing in future generations (no one stays rich without some effort) and it's the Done Thing no matter how skint it leaves you.
Staying rich? They don't particularly rich now. Class has nothing to do with it.

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FizzyGreenWater · 28/08/2020 16:49

W.O.W.

I cannot believe what I just read.

Your husband is a nasty, greedy, entitled little parasite who has grown into an utterly abusive man.

And yes, coercive control isn't just husband - wife. He abuses his mother too.

You should leave. You will get loads of great advice on here exactly how to do that.

Record his next screeching session.

You would have grounds for divorce under unreasonable behaviour - financial abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse.

Get a damn good solicitor and get the jump on him.

What would happen is - you file, you woudl both have to provide financial information - he would have to declare everything. You have young children and are the lower earner and I presume the primary carer - YOU WOULD GET THE BIGGER SHARE OF THE ASSETS, and presumably main care of the children.

You may be able to find a lawyer who would take payment from your final settlement.

First thing to do, go and have an appointment with the best local solicitors in family law. He then won't be able to use them, if you've consulted them.

You can do it.

Would your parents help you out if you needed a loan or practical help to leave him?

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Girlyracer · 28/08/2020 16:48

Isn't your husband ashamed to be asking his mother for money all the time? I'm all for parents helping out now and again and giving nice gifts as you love one another, bit this level of frequency is weird. What would he do without her.

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Supersimkin2 · 28/08/2020 16:48

Oh and £200 toward school fees is barely 2% by way of contribution per child.

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areyoubeingserviced · 28/08/2020 16:46

You are both being unreasonable.
Your husband is spoilt and entitled.
I just can’t believe this. The poor woman can’t even enjoy her money because her son and daughter in law are living above their means.
Awful

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NoSquirrels · 28/08/2020 16:46

Can you work more?

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Supersimkin2 · 28/08/2020 16:45

Helping out with school fees is not unreasonable. Neither is buying uniform for DGC.

In a lot of UMC families, people scrimp and save frenziedly to afford school fees. Parents and grannies look poor as hell in their Sainsbury's jeans when they roll up to collect Hattie & Hugo. That's cos there's a tradition of investing in future generations (no one stays rich without some effort) and it's the Done Thing no matter how skint it leaves you.

But 'pressure' to pay is Unreasonable. As could be 'managing' DM's finances, which suggests keeping an eye with a view to harvesting them again.

Where does the money come from? Family trust = not so U; Min wages as a dinner lady = U.

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NoSquirrels · 28/08/2020 16:45

As everyone else has pointed out, he's an absolute arsehole, to you and to his poor mother.

I'd also question your assumption that he is "very good with money" if he's regularly having hundreds of quid extra a month and can't save up for home improvements etc.

I'd start keeping more than 18% of your income, if I were you.

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