My mum's comments towards my kids.

[Melonslicexx]

It's hard to fit everything in without waffling. But I've got a five year and two year old. When my daughter was the only one she was center of attention, if we went to my mum and dad's or wherever. She was the only child unless my sister's children were around. Then they'd all be treated equally. She was seen as a relaxed chilled baby/ toddler and made my parents happy. They never particularly put much effort in on their part. If you didn't visit them then you didn't see them. It's always been one sided. They are very tidy people. They allowed a few toys out and the kids had snacks given. I always Quickly hoovered the evidence up or my dad would moan about the crumbs in a loud voice. He was only joking but his voice sounds intimidating to a child as they don't understand sarcasm and he doesn't smile until the kids are looking abit worried. He loves them but he's not the best with them. He does try though and he misses them if we don't visit.

When my son came along my daughter changed. She became quiet and refused to talk to grownups. She has no issues at school. She just struggles around me with other adults. unfortunately 2 years on she is yet to speak to my parents still. It has been frustrating. But they react wrong. I've told them time and time again what she needs. She needs time with them. They need to sit and colour with her. Talk to her with a calmer voice. Take her for a walk. But it's fallen on deaf ears. My mum especially has decided numerous things over the last two years. I've watched them say things to her brother like you can have an ice cream but she can't. Or he will be able to talk before you. The biggest problem is their faces. If only they could see how they look. They look angry. They look sarcastic. They give me a vibe they don't like her because of it. Especially my mum. Sometimes she shows signs of understanding but she soon forgets.

My mum's actually in hospital at the moment and it's really hard to feel annoyed at her. I've taken the kids around a few times before she went in 2 weeks ago and I've been to check on my dad.

I'm not making excuses but they get bored up there. Neither of my parents particularly play. They have a small amount of toys in the wardrobe. Nothing suitable for my daughter. A babies toy telephone and a shape sorter and two toddler vehicles. They have never thought about getting something for my daughters age. They say they have no room for anything else. I take toys up and they don't show interest. So the kids are excited to show them the game or whatever but they don't seem interested in having a quick play.

This results in them being "feral". They actually are not being "feral" to most people I doubt but my parents seem to be judging my parenting as lately, they say they are naughty. They end up wanting to go outside as the bungalow is boring. They go outside. Two year old wants the watering can. 5 year old helps. Sometimes my dad lets them water things. But then the two year old wants another can of water and gets upset. I have to make sure the ball doesn't go on the vegetables or the flowers. Not easy! So they get moaned at for that. Then they start giggling and running about together. Or they start playing with the sofa cushions inside. There's literally no safe way a toddler can be there at the moment. But my parents don't see it that way. They say my kids are naughty. They say I've got no control over them. I must admit when I was telling them to calm down and stop doing all the above they were ignoring me. I did have to get my oldest to sit down and tell her if she doesnt behave we'd be going home. I tell her that she needs to help her brother learn to behave.

Called my mum up yesterday in hospital (bone injury) told her how hard things were and getting on with things was impossible. Told her I was fed up at home. She said well I was always ok when you was kids. But your kids are much naughtier than you were. She also said to me last week that it's the parents fault not the kids. She said it with abit of humour last week. But I'm starting to get abit pissed off.

They are not naughty they are just energetic and bored. Definitely slightly cheekier than I was too. But when I look back on me and my sister being little we were always warned. I remember my dad saying make sure you sit down and behave at my nans. We used to sit in the chair and barely move. We were allowed out in the garden. Yeah we were better behaved but we were also about 6//7/8 ish with these memories. I remember well that we didn't mess about. My children definitely mess about. But they also are funny, clever, and have different interests when you get to know them. The sad thing is me and my sister both grew up with minimal confidence and nothing that good came out of it. Infact being told to sit and behave taught me not to relax at parties. So I never get up to dance at family get togethers or anything. I am reserved and have always watched other women dance with confidence or just mix with confidence. Perhaps they were not told to sit and behave?

I feel sad really that my kids are naughty for not sitting in a chair calm. I've been stewing over it the last two days and I'm worried I've gone wrong and they are right.

What do you think? Sorry it's long.

[melonslicexx]

@Time2change2

So sorry yours are the same. I always dreamed of my kids having really strong relationships with my parents and my partner's. It's rubbish how it's worked out. 3 of mine died before I was born and one died when I was 10. She lived 90 miles away and we saw her twice a year. I envied my friends who had nanny's and Grandads. I always wanted mine to have the memories.

My mum seems to think she can judge and comment on everything but she sees no flaws in her own parenting. She's just not a natural. I've been so upset lately thinking of them getting older. My mum's in hospital and my dad's plodding along. Ive been trying to "look after" my dad. To hear the way my mum was talking about my daughter tonight really hit a nerve. I can't see the point anymore in trying to get them to bond. It's been two years. I can see my dad wants to try but my mum's made her mind up now and won't budge. The most frustrating thing is it's quite obvious what she needs and they won't give her it. She just needs warmth and patience. If a child clammed up around me id want to do whatever I could to relax them. I'd be silly and play with them. I wouldn't say the things my mum says.

That's the trouble though isn't it? They have that old fashioned attitude like you say. Seen and not heard. Children treated like that stay in their shells though.

Do your children seem to like them? I think my DD has shown tonight she's completely uncomfortable around them. It's really sad but they can't/won't accept she has anxiety issues and she won't alter. I'm so happy to read most understand on here. I've been questioning everything today again. Trying to work out how others discipline their kids. But I know deep down I do try and bring her up polite and respectful.

[forrestgreen]

Op tats the point, the child chooses the situation and people where they will and won't talk. Advice really helps.

[PerspicaciaTick]

OP it sounds like very hard situation to cope with
I realise you are under pressure from your parents but it sounds like you are starting to make your daughter responsible for your younger child's behaviour while at your parents, which is not going to help her relax.

[melonslicexx]

Perhaps it reads like I blame her. What it I mean is she carries on running about when I've asked them both to stop. She laughs. The two year old thinks it's a game. He gets corrected too on his age level. But sometimes I do have to remind her that he's younger and can learn from her being good. I don't place the blame. But sometimes she is "old enough to know better" than a two year old.

I really do try my best. I think positive people will bring her out of it. It just seems our options are limited. She needs positive relationships. But I can't buy her a patient warm grandma that wants to call her sweetheart and bake with her. I am sad she can't have that kind of life and I can see that's what she desperately needs. For her personality. That's why she does well at school. Her teachers are warm, fun and talk positively with her.

I will simply have to knock it on the head for the foreseeable. It makes me really unhappy. I don't know if she will change anytime soon. But hopefully as the years go on she gets confident and balances out. Sadly I don't think it will be down to my parents support.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

melon

re your comment:-
"My aunties a social worker and thinks it's the way she's been responded too. She said as this point there's nothing to worry about.
I think the trouble is she's not had any consistent regular contact with anyone!"

No, to any of the above points and its nothing to do with what you have and have done either. Do not accept the opinion that your child will grow out of it or they are "just shy".

Selective mutism is not a choice but rather an inability to speak driven by anxiety. Children with selective mutism may speak to one teacher but not the other, their grandmother but not their grandfather, one of four aunts, and so on.

Children with selective mutism divide the world into those people, places, and activities in which they speak and those in which they do not. These boundaries are rigid, and trying to understand the why behind your child’s rules may only cause frustration. I would urge you to get her the help now that she needs because this will not go away of its own accord. Your GP would be a good place to start and there should be from that a referral to a speech and language centre.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

melon

It would also help you to stop knocking yourself out re your parents or seek their approval and reassess your boundaries and relationship with them.

Your children need emotionally healthy role models primarily in their lives. We all need radiators, not drains on our lives.

Your dad has also failed you as a parent here by acting really out of self preservation and want of a quiet life; he has never tried to rein in your mother's excesses of behaviours. Such people too never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

[melonslicexx]

I've contacted my GP. Not sure what they will advise.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Your children sound like normal happy children.

I wouldn’t force a relationship with people who call your children little f*kers
And I don’t think your dad is as kind as you make out.

These people and their house make your children feel uncomfortable and they really have no interest in your children beyond a pair of talking dolls that will sit still and not make a sound till their string is pulled.

I certainly wouldn’t be putting yourself or your dc round to this environment again.

If they want a relationship then either they come to yours and you let the children run wild or you take them to the park. Somewhere the dc feel comfortable and can run around and shout and scream and no one is bothered