My mum's comments towards my kids.

[Melonslicexx]

It's hard to fit everything in without waffling. But I've got a five year and two year old. When my daughter was the only one she was center of attention, if we went to my mum and dad's or wherever. She was the only child unless my sister's children were around. Then they'd all be treated equally. She was seen as a relaxed chilled baby/ toddler and made my parents happy. They never particularly put much effort in on their part. If you didn't visit them then you didn't see them. It's always been one sided. They are very tidy people. They allowed a few toys out and the kids had snacks given. I always Quickly hoovered the evidence up or my dad would moan about the crumbs in a loud voice. He was only joking but his voice sounds intimidating to a child as they don't understand sarcasm and he doesn't smile until the kids are looking abit worried. He loves them but he's not the best with them. He does try though and he misses them if we don't visit.

When my son came along my daughter changed. She became quiet and refused to talk to grownups. She has no issues at school. She just struggles around me with other adults. unfortunately 2 years on she is yet to speak to my parents still. It has been frustrating. But they react wrong. I've told them time and time again what she needs. She needs time with them. They need to sit and colour with her. Talk to her with a calmer voice. Take her for a walk. But it's fallen on deaf ears. My mum especially has decided numerous things over the last two years. I've watched them say things to her brother like you can have an ice cream but she can't. Or he will be able to talk before you. The biggest problem is their faces. If only they could see how they look. They look angry. They look sarcastic. They give me a vibe they don't like her because of it. Especially my mum. Sometimes she shows signs of understanding but she soon forgets.

My mum's actually in hospital at the moment and it's really hard to feel annoyed at her. I've taken the kids around a few times before she went in 2 weeks ago and I've been to check on my dad.

I'm not making excuses but they get bored up there. Neither of my parents particularly play. They have a small amount of toys in the wardrobe. Nothing suitable for my daughter. A babies toy telephone and a shape sorter and two toddler vehicles. They have never thought about getting something for my daughters age. They say they have no room for anything else. I take toys up and they don't show interest. So the kids are excited to show them the game or whatever but they don't seem interested in having a quick play.

This results in them being "feral". They actually are not being "feral" to most people I doubt but my parents seem to be judging my parenting as lately, they say they are naughty. They end up wanting to go outside as the bungalow is boring. They go outside. Two year old wants the watering can. 5 year old helps. Sometimes my dad lets them water things. But then the two year old wants another can of water and gets upset. I have to make sure the ball doesn't go on the vegetables or the flowers. Not easy! So they get moaned at for that. Then they start giggling and running about together. Or they start playing with the sofa cushions inside. There's literally no safe way a toddler can be there at the moment. But my parents don't see it that way. They say my kids are naughty. They say I've got no control over them. I must admit when I was telling them to calm down and stop doing all the above they were ignoring me. I did have to get my oldest to sit down and tell her if she doesnt behave we'd be going home. I tell her that she needs to help her brother learn to behave.

Called my mum up yesterday in hospital (bone injury) told her how hard things were and getting on with things was impossible. Told her I was fed up at home. She said well I was always ok when you was kids. But your kids are much naughtier than you were. She also said to me last week that it's the parents fault not the kids. She said it with abit of humour last week. But I'm starting to get abit pissed off.

They are not naughty they are just energetic and bored. Definitely slightly cheekier than I was too. But when I look back on me and my sister being little we were always warned. I remember my dad saying make sure you sit down and behave at my nans. We used to sit in the chair and barely move. We were allowed out in the garden. Yeah we were better behaved but we were also about 6//7/8 ish with these memories. I remember well that we didn't mess about. My children definitely mess about. But they also are funny, clever, and have different interests when you get to know them. The sad thing is me and my sister both grew up with minimal confidence and nothing that good came out of it. Infact being told to sit and behave taught me not to relax at parties. So I never get up to dance at family get togethers or anything. I am reserved and have always watched other women dance with confidence or just mix with confidence. Perhaps they were not told to sit and behave?

I feel sad really that my kids are naughty for not sitting in a chair calm. I've been stewing over it the last two days and I'm worried I've gone wrong and they are right.

What do you think? Sorry it's long.

[LoveSummerNotIcecream]

Cut down on the number of visits. When you do go make sure your children have been to a park or somewhere to play so they have burnt off some energy before they get there. Take a colouring book, puzzle book or something quiet for your daughter to do while she’s there. It’ll be easier when she’s a bit older and can read to herself. Take toys for your son to play with. Take your own snacks. Don’t stay longer than an hour and don’t tolerate your parents being mean to your daughter. If they try it, be polite, be firm and leave. She needs to know you’ll stand up for her.

[Aussiebean]

They don’t really want a relationship with the children. They don’t want to interact or play with them. They don’t want to get to know them.

So stop forcing them to. You make your kids miserable and yourself.

If you feel you must visit, do it on your own. Leave the kids at home.

[Lickmylegs0]

In have been through a similar situation with my DM. It’s very hard visiting as it doesn’t feel like my territory. I used to visit for a few days at a time, but I find visits of just a few hours MUCH easier to cope with. It sounds like your parents lack the empathy and selflessness that you have - and if you’ve been brought up with this, I would imagine you have a deep rooted sense that you need ‘to please’. My DD challenges, and doesn’t conform to what my DM wants - and this causes clashes (I secretly admire my DD for this!) - but I don’t want my DM squashing her personality and confidence (as she did to me). Short visits, and if you live some distance away - stay in a hotel and visit for a couple of hours at a time. Or they come to you and then it’s YOUR territory. Your children are very lucky to have a caring and empathetic mum - and you’ll be able to nurture them in a way that was potentially missing in your own childhood.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What are your boundaries like here with regards to your parents?.

Cease all visits to your parents with your children. You're making them and your own self miserable in going there so there is no point. I would suggest too you deal with all and any fear, obligation and guilt you have re your parents in therapy sessions.

I presume you have friends. You would not have tolerated any of this behaviour from a friend would you?. Your parents are no different.

Your childhood was governed by a pair of uptight, angry and repressed Victorians whose thought that children should be seen and not heard. This is not a generational thing and certainly not all people of their ages act like this; this is their thing. That likely happened too because their own parents treated them the same and they've merely repeated the same old with your sister and you. You've both been emotionally harmed by your parents and your children now are copping that same treatment you as kids had from them. Their favouritism towards your son is also disturbing and will also affect their sibling relationship to its detriment.

Growing up in that house left you with little to no confidence in social settings so why would you further subject your children to them let alone your own self?. You are your children's best and only advocate here - advocate for them as well as your own self.

[Melonslicexx]

Thanks everyone. They give my DD ice-cream too. But they try and get her to speak to them first by digging at her through her brother. It's not helpful. Especially when I've suggested other methods. She actually spoke to my partner's mum the other week loads. His mum sat and played with her though.

They seem to want a relationship with them but they just are not naturally relaxed or fun. My dad's one of 9. All his siblings get involved massively with their kids and their children. I don't know if it stems from my mum. She's alot harsher. Wasn't very emotionally available when we were kids. I had quite a happy childhood. My dad has a soft spot and I remember lots of happier things with him. Like long dog walks. Or I would help him on the farm he worked on. I am not sure if mum has caused him to shut down. He also seems abit ocd. Always puts things in a set place and when he washes up etc he wiped down the draining bored and dries it. It drives him mad if we do it as we won't perfect it.

I actually have barely seen them since my DD started school. But lately with my mum being unwell I've been helping. Because I do love them. But it's upsetting and draining for me. It's not fair to keep telling them off for everything they do. Especially running about outside.

I do doubt myself as a parent sometimes. I've let them get away with more than I probably should sometimes so I can get on. But I hope it's good for the future that they are not afraid of my voice and stuff. Although sometimes I wish they would listen first time. they are not naughty just curious. I don't think my DD knows how to act around them. The minute she gets their the anxiety of the expected hello and stuff makes her feel awkward. I wish I could help her get over it. She tries to talk with her hands.

Weirdly when she started school I was worried. She is quiet but they don't believe me when I say she won't talk to adults. The school say we don't see that side of her at all. So she can talk at school and seems happy. So I know she can do it.

[Melonslicexx]

They don't tend to come to my house. Again they nit pick about the garden and the tidiness. My mum will say she used to keep on top of it. They had a tidy garden. We will have a nice garden one day. But our hands are full so it's full of garden toys and the grass gets cut through the summer. It's not disgusting. Just no flowers etc at the moment. It's just draining trying to please them.

[Notmoresugar]

Your parents are very damaging. Your DCs, particularly your DD are going to grow up very uncertain and insecure if you keep subjecting them to this awkwardness negativity, and quite frankly bullying.
Not really a solution, but if you want to see them go alone. Tell them why. If they want to see them, it must be limited and at your home where you will at least have more control.
You sound a bit scared of your parents - you don't need/will never get their approval.
Good luck

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Again why are you taking your children, let alone your own self, around there at all?. Not all relatives are nice and some of them are actively dreadful. You really do need to keep your children as well as you well away from them going forward.

Your DD is frightened by your parents and won't speak to them; the ways they are trying to get her to speak are not working and do not work either. She also will talk to other adults and will talk to other adults at school along with your partner's mother.

You have not mentioned much about your partner; what does this person think of your parents?.

Your dad was one of nine and as such probably received little emotional attention at home; his was a harsh ordered existence and he is very much the same now. Your mother has not fundamentally altered either since her childhood. She is still not emotionally available even to you let alone your kids and is very much a product of her own upbringing at the hands of uptight and rigid parents.

I think you are still trying to get approval from your parents even now as an adult. Well I will tell you now you do not need their approval, not that they would ever give it to you anyway.

[corythatwas]

They don't sound very child friendly and their remarks are not kind. Making the ice cream conditional on speaking for a child who is struggling is not good.

Otoh I'm a little surprised that you don't see it as your job to take things to entertain your 5yo. My children loved their grandparents, still remember them very, very fondly, but thinking back, they didn't actually keep any toys there for them- we took our own.

Also, if your parents are proud of their flower and vegetable garden, I seriously wouldn't let my children play with a ball in it. There are hundreds of other toys that don't involve throwing. You do need to take some responsibility for thinking ahead here. You can also explain to a 5yo why she needs to play in certain ways here and be prepared to distract her if she forgets.

Wiping down the drying board when you've finished washing up and putting things away in a set place I'm afraid is normal to most people; even I, though the sloppiest of housekeepers, would do that.

[BarbedBloom]

To be honest I am a keen gardener and I wouldn't be happy with balls or overwatering either. I also would wipe down the draining board and put away, that is pretty normal.

But to me, the key thing is you have different expectations of children than them. This means you and your children are always tense there and it probably does lead to them playing up a bit to let off steam. I would just cut back the visits really.

[PrincessForADay]

I think if your parents are important to you then changes need to be made in order to keep seeing them without upsetting DD &. A kind DS a golden child which isn't healthy for either of them

Some GPS just aren't good with kids, your parents sound like that. Not all GPs keep toys at home etc.

I would see them either at your house or somewhere neutral & fun like the park/beach. That way the kids are guaranteed fun & freedom & it's up to your parents whether they interact.

You need to be clear with them about DD & her communication explain the right way to speak to her, highlight when they do it right & immediately correct if wrong

[Melonslicexx]

We do take toys up. I wrote that in one of my posts. I just mean they don't have any desire to do a puzzle with them or colour with them. It doesn't help building up a relationship.

The ball is in my parents garden. Ofcourse I teach them and remind them to keep away from the flowers. The point is they can't really play outside or inside. They get lectured wherever they are. I always respect people's things and try and get them to be very careful.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

They just want children to be seen and not heard. They are not interested in fostering any sort of a relationship with their grandchildren. Their overall lack of interest is not all that staggering to me sadly because I've experienced a similar level of disinterest from my own parents.

Would you tolerate a friend doing this?. I would hope not.

Where are your boundaries at here with regards to your parents?. They certainly seem to be needing urgent revision. Are you afraid of them on some level too?. You probably go to their house anyway these days because you feel obligated to do so. I would stop trying to seek their approval because you do not need it and they will not give it to you.

[netflixismysidehustle]

Why are you even taking your kids to their house? Your kids don't sound naughty at all. Sitting quietly etc is going to crush their confidence.

I did have to get my oldest to sit down and tell her if she doesnt behave we'd be going home. I tell her that she needs to help her brother learn to behave.

Very unreasonable expectation here. There are times that a 5yo might have to be calm eg if she goes to the library or if she goes to be funeral but these should be short trips that are unusual. The last sentence is very unreasonable and could lead her to resent her brother. She should behave well because it's the right thing to do and not because she happens to be the oldest.

The sad thing is me and my sister both grew up with minimal confidence and nothing that good came out of it. Infact being told to sit and behave taught me not to relax at parties. So I never get up to dance at family get togethers or anything. I am reserved and have always watched other women dance with confidence or just mix with confidence. Perhaps they were not told to sit and behave?

Yes. They were told to sit nicely in the car to the party (safety) but were told to relax and have fun at the party (but obviously don't make anyone else cry, don't break things etc)

It's cruel to collide with your parents and make your children suffer this treatment. If you have to take them, make the visits short so your kids don't annoy them and they don't annoy your kids.

[netflixismysidehustle]

Your parents clearly don't like children very much (their own and yours) and would probably be perfectly happy just to see them at family occasions like Xmas. They seem like the type to see grandchildren so they can maintain the image of good grandparents rather than enjoying their company.

[netflixismysidehustle]

I did have to get my oldest to sit down and tell her if she doesnt behave we'd be going home.

If I was your dd I'd misbehave so we could leave

[GrumpyHoonMain]

Honestly I can see their point from the examples you gave.

You absolutely shouldn’t allow your kids to make messes unchecked in someone else’s house; it’s rude. My brother’s kids do this at my parents and DB and Sil then don’t bother picking up after them either (or don’t do it properly)- mum has a bone disorder, dad has a heart problem, and can’t be expected to run around tidying up after and also looking after toddlers whose parents are there. Mum now tries to combat this by only encouraging them to come round when I am there - this meant, at 4 weeks postpartum and with stiches, I had to scrub floors whenever DN spilled something as DB and sil watched TV.

Why should your kids be allowed to play with the cushions of their sofa or overwater a vegetable garden? You may allow them to do it at your house - it is unacceptable at someone else’s.

As for your dd. I think from the examples you gave you are overplaying her rudeness a bit. Unless she is specifically being treated for this (eg selective mutism etc), as a 3-5 yo most kids go through a spell of shyness / fear of strangers. It is up to the parents to gently guide them into social situations. That might mean prompting her to say hello, reminding her that it’s polite, but then leaving her to it. You can’t just take a 5 yo to someone’s house and enjoy their hospitality while letting them ignore the hosts - she is far too old for that not to be remarked upon.

[853690525d]

I agree with others that this is never going to be what you want it to be. Your parents don't want the same things as you. They don't sound like particularly pleasant people and you need to avoid them where your children are concerned because they're making them anxious. Don't take the children round more than say, once a month for half an hour. Ignore comments and be breezy. Don't put yourself in a position where your parents are invited to comment. Don't moan to them. Don't talk about your insecurities or worries. It's not helping.

[Melonslicexx]

@GrumpyHoonMain I disagree with your comment.

For a start I didn't say they overwater the veg or that I think they should. I said once the toddler sees the watering can he wants to water things. He's 2 and doesn't understand so I have to take him back inside.

My kids dont trash the house. Can't see the harm in kids touching cushions and dropping a crumb from the biscuit they were given from my parents. I don't allow them to trash the place. I think you are basing it on how you feel about your brother and perhaps your rant was aimed at his rudeness??? Children can't be expected to sit and not do anything at all. At the same time no they can't wreck plants and stuff. That is never their intention. But my dad passed them a ball and then I'm having a heart attack over it going in the veg. I don't take a ball round and encourage them to kick it on the garden.

[Melonslicexx]

@GrumpyHoonMain

Also you don't understand my daughter. She has anxiety around it. Do you not think I've tried the last two years to get her to say hi and all your suggestions? It stemmed from her brother being born. She's continued to remain anxious and cant snap out of it it. They don't invest in her hardly at all. No walks. No tea at theirs. No playing with her. So she doesn't associate their home as comfortable. Hence why she speaks to my friend and her teachers and other nanny. Because they respond to her with warmth and take interest in her. All she's had is sarcasm thrown at her and that's never going to work.

[Shoxfordian]

@GrumpyHoonMain
I agree with most of your comment but why would you clear up after your brother's son? I would make it clear to him that his son had made a mess so he should be cleaning it up

[Melonslicexx]

Thanks for all the replies.

My partner thinks my mum doesn't get out enough due to her health now and therefore she just doesn't have life skills like others. She's choosen a very basic life. Doesn't have many hobbies or interests and the older she's getting the harsher she is.

My dad is soft deep down and I think he loves the kids but he's not got a wife that is naturally interested in it. They are very routined people too. Very much same thing at the same time.

I don't go around alot normally. But I do try and have a relationship with them as they are my parents and not evil. But they lack massively in their understanding and I did realise a year ago and massively cut back. When my DD started school from then to lockdown she probably saw them 4 times. So not much! It's just the last few weeks. Seeing my mum in agony and my dad being alone I've wanted to help. They have appreciated my help. But I'm just sick off the comments now. I don't feel like I can take them around much anymore. That said my dad wants to meet for a walk tomorrow. This is what I mean. He does want some sort of relationship.

One of things I've wanted from the start was to be close my kids. Growing up without the warmth and hugs was hard. I've never heard my mum say she loves me. I've heard her slag off all my sister's. She is very harsh. So I wanted mine to know I loved them. I hoped it would make my daughter happy and confident. But she is quite anxious in some situations. In many others she's the loudest craziest kid. It just hurts to think I've tried to let my kids relax more than I could and they are coming across as ferral. When they just are bored and don't have much to do. They also havn't been invested in really family wise and it's been down to me and my partner. My partner's mum is lovely but she moved an hour away to be with her daughter's family. She spends heaps of time with her other granddaughter which hurts because I wish my kids could have someone like her in their lives regularly.

[Misslees]

Giving one child an ice cream and not another...very cold and nasty

[Iminaglasscaseofemotion]

None of my grandparents kept toys in their houses for us, and I have loads of cousins on both sides. We also would have been given info big trouble for taking couch cushions off couches or kicking balls into plants or vegetable patches, and not by grandparents by our parents. Your parents just sound a bit strict and not really up for a lot of kids mess.
Your 5 year old hasn't spoken to them in 2 years! What exactly is the reason for that? Because her brother was born?

[Gogogadgetarms]

I must admit I wouldn’t tolerate my child not speaking at their GP’s. Not even a please or thank you? You seem confident there’s no medical issues. I don’t know how you’ve allowed that for 2 years.
That said, I can empathise as I have children same age and very conservative in laws and my children are very spirited and I sometimes cringe at their behaviour. However they do have consequences for anything rude or naughty.
You seem to be forcing the relationship. Could you not leave the kids with DH and spend sometime with your Dad and helping your mum by yourself? At the moment it just sounds incredibly stressful and unpleasant for everyone.