My mum's comments towards my kids.

[Melonslicexx]

It's hard to fit everything in without waffling. But I've got a five year and two year old. When my daughter was the only one she was center of attention, if we went to my mum and dad's or wherever. She was the only child unless my sister's children were around. Then they'd all be treated equally. She was seen as a relaxed chilled baby/ toddler and made my parents happy. They never particularly put much effort in on their part. If you didn't visit them then you didn't see them. It's always been one sided. They are very tidy people. They allowed a few toys out and the kids had snacks given. I always Quickly hoovered the evidence up or my dad would moan about the crumbs in a loud voice. He was only joking but his voice sounds intimidating to a child as they don't understand sarcasm and he doesn't smile until the kids are looking abit worried. He loves them but he's not the best with them. He does try though and he misses them if we don't visit.

When my son came along my daughter changed. She became quiet and refused to talk to grownups. She has no issues at school. She just struggles around me with other adults. unfortunately 2 years on she is yet to speak to my parents still. It has been frustrating. But they react wrong. I've told them time and time again what she needs. She needs time with them. They need to sit and colour with her. Talk to her with a calmer voice. Take her for a walk. But it's fallen on deaf ears. My mum especially has decided numerous things over the last two years. I've watched them say things to her brother like you can have an ice cream but she can't. Or he will be able to talk before you. The biggest problem is their faces. If only they could see how they look. They look angry. They look sarcastic. They give me a vibe they don't like her because of it. Especially my mum. Sometimes she shows signs of understanding but she soon forgets.

My mum's actually in hospital at the moment and it's really hard to feel annoyed at her. I've taken the kids around a few times before she went in 2 weeks ago and I've been to check on my dad.

I'm not making excuses but they get bored up there. Neither of my parents particularly play. They have a small amount of toys in the wardrobe. Nothing suitable for my daughter. A babies toy telephone and a shape sorter and two toddler vehicles. They have never thought about getting something for my daughters age. They say they have no room for anything else. I take toys up and they don't show interest. So the kids are excited to show them the game or whatever but they don't seem interested in having a quick play.

This results in them being "feral". They actually are not being "feral" to most people I doubt but my parents seem to be judging my parenting as lately, they say they are naughty. They end up wanting to go outside as the bungalow is boring. They go outside. Two year old wants the watering can. 5 year old helps. Sometimes my dad lets them water things. But then the two year old wants another can of water and gets upset. I have to make sure the ball doesn't go on the vegetables or the flowers. Not easy! So they get moaned at for that. Then they start giggling and running about together. Or they start playing with the sofa cushions inside. There's literally no safe way a toddler can be there at the moment. But my parents don't see it that way. They say my kids are naughty. They say I've got no control over them. I must admit when I was telling them to calm down and stop doing all the above they were ignoring me. I did have to get my oldest to sit down and tell her if she doesnt behave we'd be going home. I tell her that she needs to help her brother learn to behave.

Called my mum up yesterday in hospital (bone injury) told her how hard things were and getting on with things was impossible. Told her I was fed up at home. She said well I was always ok when you was kids. But your kids are much naughtier than you were. She also said to me last week that it's the parents fault not the kids. She said it with abit of humour last week. But I'm starting to get abit pissed off.

They are not naughty they are just energetic and bored. Definitely slightly cheekier than I was too. But when I look back on me and my sister being little we were always warned. I remember my dad saying make sure you sit down and behave at my nans. We used to sit in the chair and barely move. We were allowed out in the garden. Yeah we were better behaved but we were also about 6//7/8 ish with these memories. I remember well that we didn't mess about. My children definitely mess about. But they also are funny, clever, and have different interests when you get to know them. The sad thing is me and my sister both grew up with minimal confidence and nothing that good came out of it. Infact being told to sit and behave taught me not to relax at parties. So I never get up to dance at family get togethers or anything. I am reserved and have always watched other women dance with confidence or just mix with confidence. Perhaps they were not told to sit and behave?

I feel sad really that my kids are naughty for not sitting in a chair calm. I've been stewing over it the last two days and I'm worried I've gone wrong and they are right.

What do you think? Sorry it's long.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Your children sound like normal happy children.

I wouldn’t force a relationship with people who call your children little f*kers
And I don’t think your dad is as kind as you make out.

These people and their house make your children feel uncomfortable and they really have no interest in your children beyond a pair of talking dolls that will sit still and not make a sound till their string is pulled.

I certainly wouldn’t be putting yourself or your dc round to this environment again.

If they want a relationship then either they come to yours and you let the children run wild or you take them to the park. Somewhere the dc feel comfortable and can run around and shout and scream and no one is bothered

[melonslicexx]

I've contacted my GP. Not sure what they will advise.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

melon

It would also help you to stop knocking yourself out re your parents or seek their approval and reassess your boundaries and relationship with them.

Your children need emotionally healthy role models primarily in their lives. We all need radiators, not drains on our lives.

Your dad has also failed you as a parent here by acting really out of self preservation and want of a quiet life; he has never tried to rein in your mother's excesses of behaviours. Such people too never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

melon

re your comment:-
"My aunties a social worker and thinks it's the way she's been responded too. She said as this point there's nothing to worry about.
I think the trouble is she's not had any consistent regular contact with anyone!"

No, to any of the above points and its nothing to do with what you have and have done either. Do not accept the opinion that your child will grow out of it or they are "just shy".

Selective mutism is not a choice but rather an inability to speak driven by anxiety. Children with selective mutism may speak to one teacher but not the other, their grandmother but not their grandfather, one of four aunts, and so on.

Children with selective mutism divide the world into those people, places, and activities in which they speak and those in which they do not. These boundaries are rigid, and trying to understand the why behind your child’s rules may only cause frustration. I would urge you to get her the help now that she needs because this will not go away of its own accord. Your GP would be a good place to start and there should be from that a referral to a speech and language centre.

[melonslicexx]

Perhaps it reads like I blame her. What it I mean is she carries on running about when I've asked them both to stop. She laughs. The two year old thinks it's a game. He gets corrected too on his age level. But sometimes I do have to remind her that he's younger and can learn from her being good. I don't place the blame. But sometimes she is "old enough to know better" than a two year old.

I really do try my best. I think positive people will bring her out of it. It just seems our options are limited. She needs positive relationships. But I can't buy her a patient warm grandma that wants to call her sweetheart and bake with her. I am sad she can't have that kind of life and I can see that's what she desperately needs. For her personality. That's why she does well at school. Her teachers are warm, fun and talk positively with her.

I will simply have to knock it on the head for the foreseeable. It makes me really unhappy. I don't know if she will change anytime soon. But hopefully as the years go on she gets confident and balances out. Sadly I don't think it will be down to my parents support.

[PerspicaciaTick]

OP it sounds like very hard situation to cope with
I realise you are under pressure from your parents but it sounds like you are starting to make your daughter responsible for your younger child's behaviour while at your parents, which is not going to help her relax.

[forrestgreen]

Op tats the point, the child chooses the situation and people where they will and won't talk. Advice really helps.

[melonslicexx]

@Time2change2

So sorry yours are the same. I always dreamed of my kids having really strong relationships with my parents and my partner's. It's rubbish how it's worked out. 3 of mine died before I was born and one died when I was 10. She lived 90 miles away and we saw her twice a year. I envied my friends who had nanny's and Grandads. I always wanted mine to have the memories.

My mum seems to think she can judge and comment on everything but she sees no flaws in her own parenting. She's just not a natural. I've been so upset lately thinking of them getting older. My mum's in hospital and my dad's plodding along. Ive been trying to "look after" my dad. To hear the way my mum was talking about my daughter tonight really hit a nerve. I can't see the point anymore in trying to get them to bond. It's been two years. I can see my dad wants to try but my mum's made her mind up now and won't budge. The most frustrating thing is it's quite obvious what she needs and they won't give her it. She just needs warmth and patience. If a child clammed up around me id want to do whatever I could to relax them. I'd be silly and play with them. I wouldn't say the things my mum says.

That's the trouble though isn't it? They have that old fashioned attitude like you say. Seen and not heard. Children treated like that stay in their shells though.

Do your children seem to like them? I think my DD has shown tonight she's completely uncomfortable around them. It's really sad but they can't/won't accept she has anxiety issues and she won't alter. I'm so happy to read most understand on here. I've been questioning everything today again. Trying to work out how others discipline their kids. But I know deep down I do try and bring her up polite and respectful.

[billy1966]

OP,
I think the language your mother uses when speaking about your children is extremely distasteful.

I wouldn't want my children within miles od someone who was so critical and unpleasant about them.

Your mother certainly doesn't sound fond of them.

Would your father really have described his small granddaughter "a little fxxker"?🙄

I think an extended period of space is needed.

[Time2change2]

Wow OP, I could have written lots of this myself. My parents in law are similar to this in many ways.
I think when it’s been a long time since you had small kids in the house things are very different. You forget what small kids are like and what they need. Your parents will have had a complete lifestyle change since you were 2. When you are not used to mess and noise and kids running about the kids doing those things is amplified x10
Noise as you get older is so much more amplified and I have a few relations in their 70’s who find the noise of kids very very difficult to handle.
It seems that some grandparents have very Unrealistic expectations of children. Expect them to be seen and not heard, say ‘you were no trouble, we got ok with you alright’ but they probably didn’t at the time. They have just forgotten what it was like. The brain has a habit of filtering out all the annoying bad stuff and keeping all the happy stuff.
What I do is either have my inlaws round here where all their toys and things are, or I go to theirs but take toys to occupy them and only stay for a short time. They have very unrealistic expectations and FIL actually shouts at them for normal kid stuff i.e getting some food round their mouth or down their shirt.
I honestly hope to god I don’t get like this with my own grandkids

[melonslicexx]

@forrestgreen

Hi we suspected this too and when she started school I was worried. Teachers didn't believe me at parents evening. They said she's quiet but also a chatterbox and always talking and singing and stuff. She is absolutely fine at school.

She just wont talk to my parents. Partners parents. But his mum she will talk to her occasionally. She won't talk to her aunties and uncles unless she's warmed up for ages. She will speak to my best friend. She won't talk to strangers. She won't speak to shop workers. But if she wants to tell them something she tells me so they can hear. She will speak on the phone to anyone. She nods and smiles at other mums in the playground.

My aunties a social worker and thinks it's the way she's been responded too. She said as this point there's nothing to worry about.

I think the trouble is she's not had any consistent regular contact with anyone! My partner's mum is great but an hour away. I think if she had patient involved family that bothered with her she would be alot better? Alot of children have lots of quality time with grandparents and their parents are not always around at the same time. You can see the confidence in kids with bigger family units I think.

[melonslicexx]

Thank you. She is abit pushy with us and tests the boundaries but I'm confident that I tell her off and handle bad behaviour. I removed her tablet last week for one day because she was rude and I kept it for four in the end with all the attitude I got. I also send her to bed and raise my voice. I don't really see how I'm weak with discipline

[forrestgreen]

I think I'd be ringing my dad to find out what he said to her.
Work on disci0line, they should listen , there's a happy medium.

Also look up selective mutism, not sure if they've changed it's now but if you push school they can help you.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

That’s a shame
She is BU , so you are crystal clear
Your DD is just a normal child
Take a break for a while , see them without kids for your own sanity

[melonslicexx]

Well I've just rang my mum to listen to it again. She's currently in hospital. My partner took my kids for a walk in the woods with my dad today as planned. Five year old ran ahead and didn't stop when she dad told her. She got told of a couple of times. The rest she was apparently good. My dad seemed fine and told my partner it's not just us teachers couldn't control the kids when we were little.

Rang mum tonight to see how she's been. She told me my dad said she had been a little f***r. Blamed schools for how they operate. Too much freedom. They should be sat facing forward and doing activities all together at the same time. She said then by time they are year one they are little shits. I said well I don't think all kids are the same as mine. She laughed and said no but when I'm fitter I'll sort the little bugger out. She said she should listen and come back to us when we shout. She usually does to be fair. I don't know. I've kind of decided that's it now they won't be seeing her for a long time again. This is the trouble she has no family invested in her. They just see the horrible parts. My parents have seen her 4 times in the last month (mum twice dad four) all I hear is bad comments about her. I said to my mum it's a good job my partner's mum likes her. My mum said well we all like her. I said no you don't don't lie. She laughed and I don't remember what she said.

I've had enough. It's never going to improve.

[853690525d]

I bet she did!!!

[Melonslicexx]

Good point. That's because it's cruel forcing such a young child to perform lol.

[netflixismysidehustle]

I bet Princess Charlotte didn't get grief for sticking her tongue out at the press. I use her as an example of a child who is expected to behave in public.

[MollyButton]

It just hurts to think I've tried to let my kids relax more than I could and they are coming across as ferral
They don't sound "feral" but normal. Your parents sound abnormal.

[bevm72yellow]

I could be writing your issue on this thread. I suggest you step back from your parents with your children as you are there advocate/protector. My family have similar behaviour towards my children. I would now visit mostly others who are children friendly and i would put in a gentle reminder that this is where the children are going or were at to show comparable enthusiasm for the children.

[sunnydays78]

Don’t listen to People telling you no to tolerate your child not speaking to a grandparent or the ones telling you your children should basically sit and touch nothing for a visit at their grandparents.
Children need to feel safe and secure in their environment to want to hold conversations with people. Your mum is trying to bully your daughter into talking to her. This is ridiculous. She needs gentle encouragement from her grandmother. Like you said colouring or playing a game together. It sounds like they don’t have a relationship so why would she want to chat with her. The more effort you put into children you Richer the relationship and the more you receive.
I’d visit once in a while Op. your children sound like perfectly normal inquisitive children.

[FrenchBoule]

OP can you arrange some time for your parents to come over to your house? Your kids sound bored (and I’m not surprised) and your parents annoyed at them.

I would agree it’s generation thing and kids to be seen but not heard.

I would also reduce the visits to your parents or make them shorter seeing as they are so disinterested/irritated.

Or maybe try talking to them first? My PIL have mobility issues so can’t be active with my kids but love the visits and conversation. I’m in charge of them so make sure nothing gets damaged.

[billy1966]

I think you sound lovely OP.

It does come across that your daughter is very anxious around your parents and probably has noticed that you are tense around them too.

I think they want children that are seen and not heard.

They certainly sound more critical than supportive.

Unfortunately because of how stressed and silent your daughter is I would be severely limiting their contact.

Your childs best interests come first.

[AncientRainbowABC]

OP I think you sound like a lovely and thoughtful parent. Your DD too sounds sweet and sensitive. You come across as caring so much for them and your little family unit. Those are great things.

I am sorry to read about the GPs. For what it’s worth from an internet stranger, I think they are firmly in the wrong. It’s not about the cushions or the plants- they are not making any effort in supporting/understanding you or your DD. Or to even meet you halfway. That is really hard. They don’t have to be pros but they should at least try/ask you.

And good for you to still try and give the children a relationship there, despite all that (and there really is a lot of undesirable stuff there, I’m afraid). I don’t think at all that you lack boundaries for it. You seem to be to be strong and resilient, despite some damage (inevitable with parents like that - not kind or typical, distant and occasionally cruel at best). I think you rightly put your children first.

My mother was the sort to put the fear of God into us before we went to anyone’s house, and even a look from her would make us freeze and stop. People (I hasten to add “people” I barely know the names of now and who weren’t in any way important in my life growling up) would always comment on how good and clever we were. Yet inwardly my sister and I felt afraid the whole time and if any adult showed us kindness in those situations my younger sister would sometimes cry. She would also be punished for that. I no longer speak to my mother. She will never meet my children.

I’m mid-30s so I doubt anyone ever thought of a name for this, let alone professional help, but I do remember very clearly always failing to speak with one set of grandparents as a child of 5 onwards. Stopped about age 7. It was a physical sensation more than anything else. As an adult with diagnosed anxiety I recognise it now but it scared me then. It’s not like I was lazy or naughty. I probably wanted it to stop more than everyone else put together. No amount of “but grandma made you a cake” could make my tongue move to say... anything. I also felt a huge amount of physical pressure when prompted to speak in those situations. Like I was stuck in a pile of inflating mattresses or sinking into deep water. When that grandmother died I was 11 and, while genuinely sad for my father, I was also guiltily relieved even though I had moved on from the problems at age 5. My point is, you’re so so right it’s not as simple as “say thank you”. Again, I think you are kind and intuitive when it comes to your children and what a brilliant thing that is. You’re not lacking anything. Things at school are a testament to that. The GPs are. And that’s on them, you have given them so many chances.

DH has parents who are similar to what you’ve described of yours. Not overtly awful but, if I may, self-centred and Victorian. Our DD’s time with them is very limited, we agreed this before she was born based on what’s been happening to nieces and nephews. We took the view that, given where we are, DD can have other older adults in her life, but we can’t have her being told she’s “chubby” (she’s 1!) or “naughty” (accidentally tipped some blueberries over while eating them in a high chair, from a bowl- no damage just fell on the floor). Yes she won’t remember but they pick up on so much already. We feel limiting contact is worth it for her confidence going forward.

Please don’t take the judgy comments on here to heart. I think you’re doing great and I would just work towards feeling less guilt while decreasing contact with the children present.

[SoulofanAggron]

The ice cream tease was nasty.

Maybe go out with just your dad and the kids more when you all feel able after your mum's recovered, as you say he can be a bit better?

Then your daughter will have a better relationship with someone who's there when she goes round, and will feel more relaxed.