How do you deal with a serious illness when the person involved is at least partly responsible?

[UltimateWednesday]

DH has been quite ill, no diagnosis yet but lung related.

He was a smoker when young but "gave up" before we married. However, it has become apparently that he's lied about this through most of our 30 year marriage and he's continued to smoke at work and socially.

I really struggle with both the lying and the fact that a man with children would risk his health like this.

So, now I'm facing the prospect of nursing him through something awful (in sickness and in health) whilst "hating" him for bringing it on himself and on us.

I don't hate him and I realise this all sounds very selfish, it's only a small part of many conflicting emotions atm but I'm am really worried about how I will find it in myself not to be vile to him about this.

Also about how our children will cope and how finding out he's been dishonest about smoking will affect them.

[UltimateWednesday]

I don't buy the no one knew back then thing. My dad in his mid 70s reckons they knew when he was a teen, although it didn't stop them. When DH and I were at secondary school, in the early 80s, there were posters about the dangers of smoking all over the place.

[user1481840227]

Yes, to PP who asked, I do have a healthy lifestyle. Not obsessively so but I exercise everyday, maintain a healthy weight and drink in moderation. I don't understand why anyone who has people dependant on them wouldn't.

It's certainly not a rare thing though. I know a huge amount of parents who clearly aren't living a healthy lifestyle. There's a lot of turning a blind eye to it also....and generally those who are obese or inactive will notice it affecting their health at an earlier age than smokers...and no one says anything. If anything they get sympathy rather than judgement!

By the way I don't think you are obligated to stay with someone at all if they are ill.

[RLEOM]

As a smoker, I thank you for posting this. It's easy to bumble along because your lungs feel Okish now, you continue the habit whilst knowing you should quit. Seeing this really helps see it from the other side.

Despite his smoking, if the outcome is bad, you really need to fully sympathise. Bad illnesses are terrifying.

[nowayhose]

@ Notmyrealname855

I did not mean to imply that the OP shouldn't 'process' anything. Apologies if it came across otherwise.

I have lost almost all my family, several within a very short time period, and just wanted to help the OP understand that her husband is still the same man he was pre diagnosis. The DH she loves.

I wouldn't want her to focus on the 'lies' and 'selfishness' she feels her DH has deceived her with ( and yes, I totally understand the feelings, and they ARE valid). I believe it would be a mistake to focus on these things as they will only lead to further hurt, and I'd like to help her avoid that if possible, that's all.

In the end, we all cope with grief in our own ways, it's just the grieving process that progresses through all the stages, but I hope the OP saves her anger for the disease, and not her DH. After all, no-one is perfect.

[GracieLane]

@CheshireChat

Oh I feel very sympathetic towards alcoholics too. I don't spend time with drinking alcoholics, including those within my family, but I still have sympathy towards them. And empathy towards anybody human and flawed. Which we all are in our own ways

[janetmendoza]

The gas lighting is bad op. If that is the main problem fair enough I think, if you feel you cant be as supportive as he might hope. But loads (most?) illnesses are self inflicted in part, so this is not so much different in that respect from so many others. DH has hearing loss related to noise - he played in a band with no ear protection, my Dad has an infected wound - he fell off a bloody bicycle aged 82, I have diverticular disease - I didn't eat enough fibre, and on it goes from the minor to the major illnesses. Wishing you all well though