How do you deal with a serious illness when the person involved is at least partly responsible?

[UltimateWednesday]

DH has been quite ill, no diagnosis yet but lung related.

He was a smoker when young but "gave up" before we married. However, it has become apparently that he's lied about this through most of our 30 year marriage and he's continued to smoke at work and socially.

I really struggle with both the lying and the fact that a man with children would risk his health like this.

So, now I'm facing the prospect of nursing him through something awful (in sickness and in health) whilst "hating" him for bringing it on himself and on us.

I don't hate him and I realise this all sounds very selfish, it's only a small part of many conflicting emotions atm but I'm am really worried about how I will find it in myself not to be vile to him about this.

Also about how our children will cope and how finding out he's been dishonest about smoking will affect them.

There won’t be anyone here, including the people who have it in their hearts to be ‘livid’ with someone facing terrible news, who hasn’t done something that could end their life prematurely.

My dad died in his 30's due to a genetic condition but his chances of it being discovered or treated could have been better if he didn't smoke and as a child, I did hold smoking partially responsible for that trauma.

It is possible that your children will care or at least make a connection, if my mum hadn't have stopped herself the day after my dad died, I would have done absolutely anything possible to get rid of anything with nicotine in the house.

It's down to you if you want to stick with him through this.

Interestingly, I did post here years ago when I first discovered he'd been lying about it and was mostly told to get over myself and not be so controlling, he's entitled to smoke if he wants to etc, which was in part why, although I've always known/suspected, I've largely let it go.

I've no intention of deserting him but it will make the hard times even harder.

I totally understand your anger and think you're entitled to it. Caring for somebody can make you angry with them whatever they've done or haven't done. Someone getting ill can make you angry at them even though you know it's not their fault. I think anger is a natural emotion at this point.

BUT the is going to hinder your ability to do the task that is at hand. If you think about the time when all this is over, whatever the outcome, you will hope to have been caring and able to express the love that you feel for your husband and not make him feel worse than he undoubtedly does already (most likely you will anyway). So you need to find a way to feel your anger, express it and vent it in a way that does not damage your relationship. That might be counselling and it's certainly a good place to start.

I completely understand your anger. There's a way of thinking called cognitive dissonance which we all do to a certain extent and then when something happens we can have all these complicated emotions. The dissonance can be things like:

Smoking is really bad for you but I still smoke.
Eating a healthy diet is key but I still have dessert every night.
The planet is facing a climate change crisis but I still drive a tank that guzzles fuel.

We are all to do this to a certain extent. I imagine it's the secrecy that has really got to you, why did he lie? Does he not trust me? Does he think I'm judgemental? Etc. That's probably the thing you both need to work on together, perhaps with counselling, perhaps with a good heart to heart.

I think you are being both irrational and insensitive towards your husband, and looking to place the 'blame' somewhere so that you can feel a little 'in control' of your current situation . Have you heard the phrase ''flogging a dead horse''?......

No-one actually believes smoking/ drinking/ drugs/ fast driving/ bungee jumping/ crossing busy roads without using the crossing 200 yds away etc etc, will really KILL them do they ?? If they did, then no-one would do it, would they ? Like, ever ! Everyone truly believes that all the bad stuff, cancer/ dying young etc only happens to OTHER people !

It's a huge shock to realise that bad things can, and do, happen to YOU and YOUR loved ones Unfortunately thousands of people will die every year, through no apparent fault of their own. And some will have people in their life who will say 'it's your own fault ! If only you didn't smoke/ drink/ bungee jump/ rock climb etc'' But that will not help anyone, will it ??

OK, so your DH hasn't managed to stop smoking entirely, but he DID manage to cut down very drastically to please you, and has probably gone weeks/ months without smoking at all for years. All of which has no doubt kept him healthier than he might otherwise have been.

You're blaming your DH because, in your grief, you NEED to try to find SOMEONE to blame, but it's not his fault You'll only alienate him if you blame him, and at the time when he needs you the most, and I'm sure you would hate to do that to him.

Tell him he has your full love and support, and if he says anything at all about smoking, just tell him that it doesn't matter how he became ill, it just matters how you are all going to get through it as a family.

(and remember, 1 in 2 people will get cancer at some point in their lives, and MOST of them won't ever have smoked )

I'm wishing you both the very best

nowayhose why wouldn’t OP want to process things like that? Totally understandable to try and reason why this has happened. Why wouldn’t she be furious at the situation?

OP I’ve been in the exact same situation. It’s shit. Throughly shit. When I see people smoking I want to say do you know what you’re doing you idiots, I’m furious still. Even if it doesn’t kill them, it weakens their lungs making it harder to recover with other illnesses. Obviously some here don’t realise the impact this situation has on your partner, your DC and you. It’s shit, completely shit.

I would accept PP’s point that’s it’s likely your DP didn’t think this would ever happen. Just focus on that and keep going. You need to survive this and focus on dealing with what’s happening, not how it came about. Otherwise tbh you’ll go mad (we nearly did).

Find good support groups in your area. There are cancer support groups who’ll know exactly what you’re going through. Even if not fatal, lots of hospices actually help with healthcare and provide an impeccable (and free) service.

Sending you lots of

I understand, OP... When I was very little, I remember being in the back of our car (burning my bum on the vinyl seats) and crying because the news announcer had just said that they had just definitively proved that smoking causes lung cancer, and I did not want my parents to die. My mum told my not to be so stupid, and lit up another one. This was in the mid 1970’s, I think. There are no photos of her without a cigarette. None. She was the only one who was shocked when she was diagnosed with COPD and lung cancer. She died aged 70 - which surprised everyone else, really. No one thought she’d live that long!

he's entitled to smoke if he wants to etc

I mean, he absolutely is entitled to smoke if he makes that choice. But its a bit much then expecting you to pick up the pieces caused by his inevitable illness isnt it?

No, of course secret smoking isn't gaslighting! That's just plain, old fashioned lying which is up to you whether or not you are ok with. The gaslighting is this 'Then there were long periods when he managed to convince me I was imagining it'. That, right there, is gaslighting, messing with your head to distort reality.

OP, I'm kind of on the other side of this from you, in that I'm awaiting a proper diagnosis for something self-inflicted (historic incident). I am piss-boilingly furious with myself right now. Genuinely furious. I have a 50/50 chance of surviving the next 6 months.

DP has admitted he's struggling too. He wants to support me, but at the same time he knows I did this to myself and he is angry with me for doing something that I knew could shorten my life. I've cried a lot, apologising. He's cried too because he knows this probably won't end well.

He's said some horrific things about how I'll probably end up. I've just had to absorb that, because it is entirely down to me that I am this ill. I know he feels guilt in some way that he could have helped me before things got this bad, but he ignored the symptoms, as did I. In some strange way, that kind of levels it out between he & I. But he is justifiably deeply angry with me.

We don't have DC together, or even live together, so he'll be spared the worst of it all.

What does your DH actually say about this being self-inflicted? Because I think when DP realised I wasn't in denial about what I was facing, and why it had happened, it took away some of his anger.

💯 what @GracieLane said 💐

I think it's normal to get angry in these situations. I know my dad was angry when my Mum was diagnosed with dementia a few years into retirement. He wasn't angry with her, just the injustice if it all. Working all those years and 3 years into retirement she's diagnosed with a life limited illness. 3 years later she died.

If you can, find a decent councillor and speak to them

GracieLane as the daughter of an alcoholic, I disagree that the person who ends up collateral damage to an addition should be obliged to feel sympathy 🤷🏻‍♀️

Do you have a healthy lifestyle yourself OP?
Obesity and inactivity can cause as many health issues as smoking can.

We hear the warnings about smokers a lot but other lifestyle choices are played down when it comes to the impact on health!

Surely if he covered it up (and you didn't notice the smell), then he can't have been a heavy smoker, was it just occasional (which obviously is bad, but he has been unlucky?)

I think your feelings may be very complex.
But I do know 2 people who died of throat cancer that never smoked!
Dh both have medical conditions, his from 20's, mine from birth, so no anger.

I think any fatal diagnosis is really frustrating. Its incredibliky difficult to care for someone dying or very I'll.

But its part of live, part of the agreement if married or in a long term committed relationship.

Have you git an actual diagnosis that is specifically related to smoking?

It's up to you what you do next.

Wasn't it Roy Castle that was a non smoker but died because he worked in clubs where smoking was, very sad

Yes, to PP who asked, I do have a healthy lifestyle. Not obsessively so but I exercise everyday, maintain a healthy weight and drink in moderation. I don't understand why anyone who has people dependant on them wouldn't. I think that's the hardest part, he knew all along he could put our children though this and leave me to deal with the fallout from that.

I know it's not a reasonable way to feel but that just makes it harder to deal with.

I know the addiction turned him into a liar, I have no reason to believe he's lied about anything else, but that doesn't mean I'm not hurt by it.

I did notice it periodically and was always persuaded it was a one off. Then there were long periods when he managed to convince me I was imagining it, which is why I'm finding it so difficult to deal with.

That there is gaslighting.

There was a time when almost everyone smoked. Perhaps your DH is in that age group. No one said smoking would kill us back then. It was just what people did.

My DP died of lung cancer. He was a heavy smoker and I was a light smoker. I never once said to him to stop smoking because I was one who was never told smoking was bad for people. I don't think I would have been successful in telling him not to smoke. He would likely have smoked more! Once he was diagnosed there was little point in him going through the struggles to stop smoking.
That was many years ago. Now I have a new DP who is a light smoker but still a smoker of cigarettes. He has never vaped and I am not sure that is going to be any better long term. I have never said he should stop smoking. Surely if you love someone you love them warts and all even if that includes smoking.
Your DP will be thinking maybe he should not have smoked and he does not need you to say anything. It is time now to support him through his illness to whatever the outcome may be. This is not the time for recriminations.

I blame the tobacco companies and the failure of governments to wipe out this vile industry. A lot of us don't make healthy choices though we are aware of the facts. It's awful for you to know that all these years he has been doing something so detrimental to his health and lying.

I know that, but it's not a particularly helpful thing to know at this stage. I'm not going to leave my DCs' father while he's critically ill.

I hate smoking. I'm the most anti smoking person I know. But if someone I loved became ill and it was potentially smoking related the last thing I'd do is blame them for it. He's a moderate smoker at best. People
Get lung related illnesses for all reasons. My ex's mum developed emphysema 10 years after she gave up smoking.

Lying is horrible. My ex lied to be about smoking and it drove me insane. I'd often find packets in his pockets etc. But I think you need to work out how to separate this from his illness.