How do you deal with a serious illness when the person involved is at least partly responsible?

[UltimateWednesday]

DH has been quite ill, no diagnosis yet but lung related.

He was a smoker when young but "gave up" before we married. However, it has become apparently that he's lied about this through most of our 30 year marriage and he's continued to smoke at work and socially.

I really struggle with both the lying and the fact that a man with children would risk his health like this.

So, now I'm facing the prospect of nursing him through something awful (in sickness and in health) whilst "hating" him for bringing it on himself and on us.

I don't hate him and I realise this all sounds very selfish, it's only a small part of many conflicting emotions atm but I'm am really worried about how I will find it in myself not to be vile to him about this.

Also about how our children will cope and how finding out he's been dishonest about smoking will affect them.

[janetmendoza]

The gas lighting is bad op. If that is the main problem fair enough I think, if you feel you cant be as supportive as he might hope. But loads (most?) illnesses are self inflicted in part, so this is not so much different in that respect from so many others. DH has hearing loss related to noise - he played in a band with no ear protection, my Dad has an infected wound - he fell off a bloody bicycle aged 82, I have diverticular disease - I didn't eat enough fibre, and on it goes from the minor to the major illnesses. Wishing you all well though

[GracieLane]

@CheshireChat

Oh I feel very sympathetic towards alcoholics too. I don't spend time with drinking alcoholics, including those within my family, but I still have sympathy towards them. And empathy towards anybody human and flawed. Which we all are in our own ways

[nowayhose]

@ Notmyrealname855

I did not mean to imply that the OP shouldn't 'process' anything. Apologies if it came across otherwise.

I have lost almost all my family, several within a very short time period, and just wanted to help the OP understand that her husband is still the same man he was pre diagnosis. The DH she loves.

I wouldn't want her to focus on the 'lies' and 'selfishness' she feels her DH has deceived her with ( and yes, I totally understand the feelings, and they ARE valid). I believe it would be a mistake to focus on these things as they will only lead to further hurt, and I'd like to help her avoid that if possible, that's all.

In the end, we all cope with grief in our own ways, it's just the grieving process that progresses through all the stages, but I hope the OP saves her anger for the disease, and not her DH. After all, no-one is perfect.

[RLEOM]

As a smoker, I thank you for posting this. It's easy to bumble along because your lungs feel Okish now, you continue the habit whilst knowing you should quit. Seeing this really helps see it from the other side.

Despite his smoking, if the outcome is bad, you really need to fully sympathise. Bad illnesses are terrifying.

[user1481840227]

Yes, to PP who asked, I do have a healthy lifestyle. Not obsessively so but I exercise everyday, maintain a healthy weight and drink in moderation. I don't understand why anyone who has people dependant on them wouldn't.

It's certainly not a rare thing though. I know a huge amount of parents who clearly aren't living a healthy lifestyle. There's a lot of turning a blind eye to it also....and generally those who are obese or inactive will notice it affecting their health at an earlier age than smokers...and no one says anything. If anything they get sympathy rather than judgement!

By the way I don't think you are obligated to stay with someone at all if they are ill.

[UltimateWednesday]

I don't buy the no one knew back then thing. My dad in his mid 70s reckons they knew when he was a teen, although it didn't stop them. When DH and I were at secondary school, in the early 80s, there were posters about the dangers of smoking all over the place.

[Notcoolmum]

I hate smoking. I'm the most anti smoking person I know. But if someone I loved became ill and it was potentially smoking related the last thing I'd do is blame them for it. He's a moderate smoker at best. People
Get lung related illnesses for all reasons. My ex's mum developed emphysema 10 years after she gave up smoking.

Lying is horrible. My ex lied to be about smoking and it drove me insane. I'd often find packets in his pockets etc. But I think you need to work out how to separate this from his illness.

[UltimateWednesday]

I know that, but it's not a particularly helpful thing to know at this stage. I'm not going to leave my DCs' father while he's critically ill.

[Viviennemary]

I blame the tobacco companies and the failure of governments to wipe out this vile industry. A lot of us don't make healthy choices though we are aware of the facts. It's awful for you to know that all these years he has been doing something so detrimental to his health and lying.

[TheBouquets]

There was a time when almost everyone smoked. Perhaps your DH is in that age group. No one said smoking would kill us back then. It was just what people did.
My DP died of lung cancer. He was a heavy smoker and I was a light smoker. I never once said to him to stop smoking because I was one who was never told smoking was bad for people. I don't think I would have been successful in telling him not to smoke. He would likely have smoked more! Once he was diagnosed there was little point in him going through the struggles to stop smoking.
That was many years ago. Now I have a new DP who is a light smoker but still a smoker of cigarettes. He has never vaped and I am not sure that is going to be any better long term. I have never said he should stop smoking. Surely if you love someone you love them warts and all even if that includes smoking.
Your DP will be thinking maybe he should not have smoked and he does not need you to say anything. It is time now to support him through his illness to whatever the outcome may be. This is not the time for recriminations.

[Gingernaut]

I did notice it periodically and was always persuaded it was a one off. Then there were long periods when he managed to convince me I was imagining it, which is why I'm finding it so difficult to deal with.

That there is gaslighting.

[UltimateWednesday]

Yes, to PP who asked, I do have a healthy lifestyle. Not obsessively so but I exercise everyday, maintain a healthy weight and drink in moderation. I don't understand why anyone who has people dependant on them wouldn't. I think that's the hardest part, he knew all along he could put our children though this and leave me to deal with the fallout from that.

I know it's not a reasonable way to feel but that just makes it harder to deal with.

I know the addiction turned him into a liar, I have no reason to believe he's lied about anything else, but that doesn't mean I'm not hurt by it.

[callmeadoctor]

Wasn't it Roy Castle that was a non smoker but died because he worked in clubs where smoking was, very sad

[Nellydean21]

I think any fatal diagnosis is really frustrating. Its incredibliky difficult to care for someone dying or very I'll.

But its part of live, part of the agreement if married or in a long term committed relationship.

Have you git an actual diagnosis that is specifically related to smoking?

It's up to you what you do next.

[Oblomov20]

I think your feelings may be very complex.
But I do know 2 people who died of throat cancer that never smoked!
Dh both have medical conditions, his from 20's, mine from birth, so no anger.

[callmeadoctor]

Surely if he covered it up (and you didn't notice the smell), then he can't have been a heavy smoker, was it just occasional (which obviously is bad, but he has been unlucky?)

[user1481840227]

Do you have a healthy lifestyle yourself OP?
Obesity and inactivity can cause as many health issues as smoking can.

We hear the warnings about smokers a lot but other lifestyle choices are played down when it comes to the impact on health!

[CheshireChat]

GracieLane as the daughter of an alcoholic, I disagree that the person who ends up collateral damage to an addition should be obliged to feel sympathy 🤷🏻‍♀️

[BurtsBeesKnees]

I think it's normal to get angry in these situations. I know my dad was angry when my Mum was diagnosed with dementia a few years into retirement. He wasn't angry with her, just the injustice if it all. Working all those years and 3 years into retirement she's diagnosed with a life limited illness. 3 years later she died.

If you can, find a decent councillor and speak to them

[NotaCoolMum]

💯 what @GracieLane said 💐

[sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea]

OP, I'm kind of on the other side of this from you, in that I'm awaiting a proper diagnosis for something self-inflicted (historic incident). I am piss-boilingly furious with myself right now. Genuinely furious. I have a 50/50 chance of surviving the next 6 months.

DP has admitted he's struggling too. He wants to support me, but at the same time he knows I did this to myself and he is angry with me for doing something that I knew could shorten my life. I've cried a lot, apologising. He's cried too because he knows this probably won't end well.

He's said some horrific things about how I'll probably end up. I've just had to absorb that, because it is entirely down to me that I am this ill. I know he feels guilt in some way that he could have helped me before things got this bad, but he ignored the symptoms, as did I. In some strange way, that kind of levels it out between he & I. But he is justifiably deeply angry with me.

We don't have DC together, or even live together, so he'll be spared the worst of it all.

What does your DH actually say about this being self-inflicted? Because I think when DP realised I wasn't in denial about what I was facing, and why it had happened, it took away some of his anger.

[Perfectstorm12]

No, of course secret smoking isn't gaslighting! That's just plain, old fashioned lying which is up to you whether or not you are ok with. The gaslighting is this 'Then there were long periods when he managed to convince me I was imagining it'. That, right there, is gaslighting, messing with your head to distort reality.

[AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter]

he's entitled to smoke if he wants to etc

I mean, he absolutely is entitled to smoke if he makes that choice. But its a bit much then expecting you to pick up the pieces caused by his inevitable illness isnt it?

[justilou1]

I understand, OP... When I was very little, I remember being in the back of our car (burning my bum on the vinyl seats) and crying because the news announcer had just said that they had just definitively proved that smoking causes lung cancer, and I did not want my parents to die. My mum told my not to be so stupid, and lit up another one. This was in the mid 1970’s, I think. There are no photos of her without a cigarette. None. She was the only one who was shocked when she was diagnosed with COPD and lung cancer. She died aged 70 - which surprised everyone else, really. No one thought she’d live that long!

[Notmyrealname855]

nowayhose why wouldn’t OP want to process things like that? Totally understandable to try and reason why this has happened. Why wouldn’t she be furious at the situation?

OP I’ve been in the exact same situation. It’s shit. Throughly shit. When I see people smoking I want to say do you know what you’re doing you idiots, I’m furious still. Even if it doesn’t kill them, it weakens their lungs making it harder to recover with other illnesses. Obviously some here don’t realise the impact this situation has on your partner, your DC and you. It’s shit, completely shit.

I would accept PP’s point that’s it’s likely your DP didn’t think this would ever happen. Just focus on that and keep going. You need to survive this and focus on dealing with what’s happening, not how it came about. Otherwise tbh you’ll go mad (we nearly did).

Find good support groups in your area. There are cancer support groups who’ll know exactly what you’re going through. Even if not fatal, lots of hospices actually help with healthcare and provide an impeccable (and free) service.

Sending you lots of