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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Daughter seems to be mini wife!

28 replies

BLACKBOTTOM · 30/04/2020 22:40

Just looking for some perspective here. I have just finished with my boyfriend because of his immature and irresponsible behaviour during the lockdown. He is 55 and I am 54. He has a 24 year old daughter and a 2 year old granddaughter. I have no children and am happy with that. I live alone in a tiny apartment and am currently working from home. I don't have a garden and only get out to see to my horse once a day. Other than that I am staying in and having things delivered as I am asthmatic. I also suffer from depression and anxiety and always knew I would struggle during the lockdown. My boyfriend is aware of this. I have no family still alive but do have lots of friends, but obviously can't see them at the minute. My ex has continued to visit his daughter and her child daily during the lockdown, which I find unbelievable as he is still working 3 days a week as a delivery driver. On his non working days he carries on as of nothing is different, going out on his vintage tractors, visiting his mates etc. As if this isn't bad enough I seem to have been an afterthought and even texting me seems to have been too much trouble, although he was quite happy for me to do his online correspondence for him. What brought things to a head was that I suddenly became very aware that he is obsessed with his daughter. He goes to hers for tea most nights in the week but always visits regardless. He spends Saturday and Sunday afternoons with her, constantly tells me what a good mum she is, how pretty she is, she has a nice figure, has a responsible job. It's great he loves her and is proud of her, but is gets a bit "pass the sick bucket" at times. And to put his little grandchild at risk seems strange to me. What I found very odd was that he became upset because none of his days off this week coincided with hers... So he sees her every evening and at weekends and wants to spend his days off with her as well??? He has also said she is the love of his life. But then he says I am. It seems to me to me that they are like a couple. She calls him a few times during the day as well. For future reference, is this normal? I get he loves his daughter but, aside from sleeping together, it's like they are married.

OP posts:

Cherrygirl3 · 30/04/2020 23:26

I once experienced similar in a relationship I was once in. On asking for advice/opinions on here if AIBU, a poster suggested I googled "spousification". Have a look, I think you'll find it useful. How long have you been together?

Mallomarsh · 30/04/2020 23:27

Creepy!

2bazookas · 30/04/2020 23:48

are you sure that's not his GF and their baby?

Geppili · 30/04/2020 23:56

What 2Bazookas said. This sounds very creepy to me.

Wearywithteens · 01/05/2020 00:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

LovingLola · 01/05/2020 00:14

🤮

Itwasntme1 · 01/05/2020 00:32

It sounds unhealthy. I wonder how he copes when his daughter has a boyfriend.

You are better off without him. While his daughter should of course be very Important to him, this obsession is disturbing.

PotterHarryWitch · 01/05/2020 00:50

That's so weird.

SandyY2K · 01/05/2020 00:58

That's not normal behaviour at all. You're better off without him.

Whyohwhymusti · 01/05/2020 01:04

Would you all be saying the same thing if it was a MUM and a daughter?

Geppili · 01/05/2020 01:06

Yes. It's called parental enmeshment.

iswhois · 01/05/2020 01:09

I don't see where you fit into this.

How often would you see each other before the lockdown started?

You're better off out of it. Imagine her trying to have a relationship with someone with her effing dad coming round every night talking about what a great figure she has.

1forAll74 · 01/05/2020 01:16

An odd situation to be sure. You don't mention the Mother of his daughter. Is her Mother his ex wife, or a deceased wife maybe. Maybe something in the past,makes him very close to his Daughter, as in, perhaps reminds him of his wife, if the daughter is much like her Mother. Maybe on the wrong track here, was just a thought.

ZoeCM · 01/05/2020 01:29

I hate the term "mini wife". I remember an MNer pointing out that it's like "jailbait" - putting the blame for a man's behaviour on a girl. (I know the daughter in the OP is an adult, but I doubt her dad's strange behaviour only started once she grew up.)

CtrlU · 01/05/2020 01:32

Very strange. But I suppose they are just really close....I don’t know and I certainly don’t want to believe otherwise 🤢

theschoolonthehill · 01/05/2020 02:06

I remember reading about Trump who waxed lyrical about Ivanka's figure and looks. As much as it was strange and uncomfortable reading, it seemed as if her 'amazing figure' was something he took the credit for as her father!

Was your DP always in his daughter's life or is he possibly making up for lost time? Does his daughter rely on him mentally, physically or emotionally?

Why is he no longer with his daughter's mother?

expat101 · 01/05/2020 02:10

I guess it depends on what happened with her Mum (I cannot see where you have mentioned this). Did she die in horrible circumstances? Illness etc? then I can totally understand them hanging on as if they only have each other left from what probably was a close family unit.

If something was to happen to me, and I'm a similar age, then I hope no one will resent Hubby spending time with our Daughter.

Reginabambina · 01/05/2020 02:14

This is perfectly normal for people who have good relationships with their parents. I see my dad every day when we’re in the same place, otherwise I call him every day. He definitely doesn’t treat me like a wife, it’s very much a loving parent child relationship. Both of my parents had at a minimum daily contact with their parents as well. To an extent I think it must be cultural, the British are quite cold towards their children in comparison to my culture where it’s fairly normal to live with your parents until they die. If you can’t live with them then you try to see them as much as practicable because you love each other. You can’t really expect him to put you before his own child.

Reginabambina · 01/05/2020 02:16

Oh and sometimes my father can’t help going on about what a great mother/accomplished I am. Likewise I often find myself telling people what a fantastic father/cool person he is. Again, it’s normal to do that when you dote on someone.

Reginabambina · 01/05/2020 02:18

@iswhois my father is very similar, he and DH get on great and are very fond of each other. DF also goes on about how great my DH so it’s not like poor DH gets left out.

NorthernLass75 · 01/05/2020 02:21

Bit of a Donald/Ivanka vibe going on there.

snop · 01/05/2020 02:28

Tbh me and my sisters are the same with my dad, although you would to catch him commenting on our figures , mum died when we where young though and I think he is proud of the way he brought us up and how we turned out. He comes each to one of us on different nights for tea, although this is not happening now with the lock down. We all get FaceTimed each night though to see how we are

TheClootieDumplin · 01/05/2020 02:41

OP, you've finished with him and there's no need to be building up more of a case against him in your head.

His ways of doing family life are the ways of many many others who are part of perfectly normal families, though not observing lockdown isn't acceptable.

Perhaps it you who doesn't understand family dynamics.

Thepigeonsarecoming · 01/05/2020 03:04

He’s your ex, your an adult. Move on and forget it now. Of course he loves his daughter more than he loves/loved you that much is obvious. But he is now your ex, you ended it, time to stop overthinking it

I sometimes speak to my dad several times a day. I lost my mum at a young age and he’s my world. No he’d never comment on my figure, other than to be glad I’d gained weight after health issues. But it sounds as if you are looking here for people to condemn him to make to feel better for leaving?

Original poster

BLACKBOTTOM · 01/05/2020 09:24

Thank you for all your replies. The daughter is a very capable and sensible woman. I don't ever get the feeling she relies on him in any way. More like he relies on her. We were together for 2 years but have known each other for 15. He walked out on his ex partner when his daughter was 7. By his own admission he was not a good father, so there is a lot of making up for the past going on. He has big issues with ex partner as he says she was abusive towards him. She is still around and plays a large role in the daughter's life. Before the lockdown we saw each other three evenings a week and spoke on the phone daily. I used to think the balance was off but accepted that was the way they were. Of course I understand family dynamics! I had a father who loved me very much and was proud of me, but I can't imagine him visiting me daily and being upset because he couldn't spend his days off with me. He had a wife who he loved and spent time with. If it were the mum I would still think it was excessive, but no doubt the mum would be cooking the daughter tea at least sometimes, not the other way around. My mother used to visit my sister most days when my nieces were small. But she didn't spend most of the weekend with them as well. My sister had her own life. I asked the question because I try to be objective and wondered whether I had it wrong. I don't see anything wrong with wanting a bit more of your partner's time and support though. I certainly wouldn't deny that to someone I was supposed to love.

OP posts:

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