Is it wrong to end a relationship when you have dc and there's no abuse?

[NancyDrewAPicture]

I've seen a couple of threads recently where posters have said how damaging it is for children and it's made me confused. I grew up in an abusive home and always told myself that I'd never stay with someone "for the sake of the children", but my partner is not abusive and our children will be devestated if we split up.

These are the reasons I want to leave:
I've felt unhappy and neglected for years. Starting with when DC was born. He encouraged me to give up my job, which I did and that was my choice but I was unhappy with the decision and regret it. Every time I mention looking for work he tells me I don't need to, we don't need the money (we don't). Pre-covid he was going to start WFH a few days a week. I asked him which days because on those days he told me he would be able to do school runs so I wanted to find work that would coordinate with that. He kept being vague and fobbing me off and again would say I don't need to worry about working. Not the end of the world, I could still look for a job and arrange childcare but his lack of cooperation and support frustrates me. Then covid happened and that's put that on hold for now.

Another reason I felt unsupported when first dc was born was his to refusal to help with housework. I was tired and recovering from a difficult birth, dc1 wasn't an easy baby, and I found it hard to keep on top of things. I suggested a rota and he swore at me (called me a c*nt, the only time he's used that word to me in our 13 year relationship) and we had a big argument and I dropped it. Nowadays he will load/unload the dishwasher and occasionally run the hoover around. He cooks for himself as he has special dietary requirements.

He has a huge amount of stuff. He will buy more stuff, like food, clothes, crockery, as well as gadgets and bits for himself, without checking if we have any in already or anywhere to put it. He has been stockpiling food and toiletries long before it was a thing, but out of laziness. I stopped putting his laundry away because I was sick of being the only one to do it. He bought more clothes rather than sort through his pile in the utility room. We moved to a bigger house four years ago and every available space is crammed with stuff. The sheer volume of things in the house gets me down. There just isn't room. I was in Sainsbury's last week looking a bowl imagining how nice it would be to live in a small, uncluttered house just me and dc, with a normal amount of crockery and a place for everything to be stored, rather than every cupboard overflowing and every shelf and available space being covered in crap.

We don't have an intimate relationship. He stopped initiating sex years ago. Then I had a relapse of a teenage eating disorder and he told me how unattractive I was, a lot. (His lack of interest began before that). Now I've put on some weight, he seems to find me attractive again but I hate the thought of sleeping with him. We don't kiss.

I think he's an irresponsible parent. He will let our DC (5 and 7) stay up late playing computer games or watching TV, then lose his temper if they're still awake at 2am and say they need medication. They aren't the best sleepers but obviously this would keep most kids awake. (This has happened when I've fallen asleep early).

That stuff aside, we get on ok, and he loves our dc and they him. We have a nice home. We even hold conversation sometimes these days (after years of him more or less ignoring me - not in a cold shoulder way, he was busy with work, golf and fishing in his free time and on his phone in bed). We can rub along fine mostly, though he can have a temper. I think he is happy. DC are happy. It's just me that's unhappy. I know some of the issues I've mentioned are quite trivial (housework and clutter) and some are my own fault (giving up my job, eating disorder). So should I suck it up, find a job and focus on that until the children are older? Truthfully I could carry on but I miss feeling wanted and loved, and I don't want him which I know is unfair on him.

[GingerBeverage]

If he's checking the joint for outgoings add a £10 withdrawal to every in-store supermarket shop and squirrel it away. Lose the receipt before you get home.

[NancyDrewaPicture]

Thank you for the tip, that's a good idea. It all feels so bank handed though. I don't just mean the money but having the plan to leave without him knowing and not telling him. How do people usually do it when they want to leave someone but aren't able to right away? Do they tell them first and live together but separated until they can physically move out? I could tell him, but I can imagine what it would be like living here once I do and it wouldn't be very nice at all.

[Dontletitbeyou]

You said he’s never actually stopped you from getting a job , so as soon as lockdown is over , get on with sorting yourself out a job, ASAP. Make plans to move forward on your own with your DC .
Even if he tries to make it difficult for you to look for work , don’t give in. He can’t force you to stay home obviously .while he holds all the cards you’re stuck there and he knows it

[NancyDrewaPicture]

Hi, I'm sorry to bump my old thread. I didn't want to start a new one. I'm sorry if that's the wrong thing to do. I spoke to my counsellor yesterday about my relationship and told her some of the things that have happened and how I feel and why I want to leave and everything and she gave me the name of some local domestic abuse organisations to get in touch with. It feels so overwhelming. I read this stuff and I can see so many parallels in my relationship and I can see it's wrong for someone else to have such control over another person, but it's like I just can't get my head around it.

He doesn't hit me, he doesn't phsyically stop me from doing things, it's more like he weighs me down mentally. And I don't think it's intentional, he does it out of concern mostly I think. That's the reasons he gives himself and me, and other times it's just thoughtlessness. When he makes big decisions that really should have my input but he makes them on my behalf, it's because he doesn't think. I don't think any of it is a calculated move to be controlling if you see what I mean.

Sorry I don't know what I want from this, I still plan to leave. I'm trying my best to find a job and I'm making plans and doing what I need to do. There's just a part of me that's worried that I've got this all wrong. I suppose it doesn't matter because whether or not he is controlling or abusive, he makes me unhappy and I will be leaving him. I just can't understand and feel overwhelmed by it all. He'd be horrified if he knew what people thought about him. I'm worried I'm making him out to be a worse person than he is. I'm worried about the times I've done things wrong. I have retaliated to some of his nasty words before, back when I still had the energy to try and stand my ground. I've had bad moods before. I don't think I'm like him but I don't know. I worry that everything has been my fault because I basically gave up and instead of trying to assert myself and do the things I wanted to do, I just let him have his way for an easy life. Its just that everything was a battle and I was tired of fighting all the time. It weighed me down and crushed my spirit. I keep having to remind myself I'm an adult and I'm a free person and it's ok to make my own decisions.

I'm confused too because there has been one incident I can think of in our relationship where he wanted a certain thing for our dc and I was against it and truly stood my ground on it. We are both parents and both should have an equal say so I'm not sure what it is right or wrong when our feelings conflict, but this is one of the very times I have "won", because it was about one of the DC and not just me, I cared enough to keep fighting (well the battle isn't over as he still brings it up but he knows I will not change my mind on this). And so far although he hasn't got what he wants, I feel uncomfortable that he as an equal parent isn't able to make his choice because I'm kind of blocking it. Yet he's done the equivalent to me so many times over the years and he is ok with that? He doesn't feel this discomfort? I don't understand it. I keep trying to think if I've ever done this to him before, and if I've ever stopped him from doing things he wants to do like he has me. I don't think I have but it's like I don't trust myself at all.

[NancyDrewaPicture]

I'm just confused over what's right and what's wrong, and if I'm a bad person and if he's a bad person or I'm exaggerating things and only giving one side of the story and have wrongly lead my counsellor to believe I'm in a controlling relationship, when really it was my fault for always letting him get his way. But I don't think everything should have been so hard.

I remember two years ago really struggling with feeling like I was not a person anymore, like I didn't matter and I had nothing to say and nothing to offer. I felt like I didn't properly exist and kept wondering why I wasn't a real person like other people were. I didn't connect it to him at all, but now I am noticing that when certain thoughts come to my head, I don't hear my own true reaction to them, I think about what his reaction would be and mentally cannot think any more for myself. It makes me wonder if that's why I felt like I didn't really exist, because he was in my head and there wasn't room for me.

I know that sounds crazy and my mental health actually wasn't great at the time that I felt like I wasn't a real person, but I think it's a good sign that I've noticed "his voice" in my head now, so at least I can take steps to find my own. Sorry this might all sound a bit clichéd or something talking about finding myself etc, but that's how it feels.

I think I'm done ranting now. Sorry if anyone wasted time reading it. And like I said, it doesn't really matter because ultimately I will be leaving him regardless.

[ThePathToHealing]

I joined just to let you know that I've been where you are. I didn't call it abuse because he never hit me. All I knew was that I hated him as strongly as I loved him (thankfully no children) however I was scared of him so I lied the entire time. We would always be friends and we just wanted different things but I was tired of being forgotten and of being diminished.

I had an eating disorder when I was with him and he would make comments about how I wasn't too thin and then ask how we could fatten me up. One of the reasons I left was because I didn't think I could reach or maintain recovery in that environment.

I completely understand the feeling that he never said I couldn't or forbids me from doing things but it's a slow conditioning. Maybe you change your behaviour because you don't have the energy to deal with a put down or the silent treatment or the banging of doors. So often his response to whatever I had done was more painful than the shame of doing the thing.

I also really understand this hard stance regarding your dc and the confusion you feel about it. I had a line that I wouldn't let him cross but everyday I felt awful for having that boundary. There is a person in your life telling you (maybe indirectly) that you can't have your way, or your own views etc. It's incredibly difficult to hold strong in those surroundings and am proud of you for maintaining your position.

I didn't feel like a real person either. I had no wishes, desires or opinions because whatever they were were wrong but I'm free now and I am finding my voice and I believe you will find yours. Being desperately unhappy is there to motivate change, it's telling you you need to be free.

My username is from a quote "the path to healing is worth the journey, I will have no regrets" and I remind myself of it every day.

[Sunshinedu]

OP reading your posts,are you sure he’s not making a bomb 💣.I think he’s a hoarder,compulsive spender,sounds controlling and has gotten lazy in his relationship.How were his parents relationships,is there any mirroring