Stories of a happy family when you thought it would never happen? 35 and feeling devastated

[AmyDancer1]

Another failed relationship. I’m 35 in July.

This has broken me this time. Any stories of having that happy ending later in life? I feel like I’ve lost the chance of everything I ever wanted.

[Lightsabre]

@Notverygrownup, excellent advice.

[triedandtestedteacher]

Nearly. I was 33. I'd split up with my first husband two years before and decided I still wanted a proper family but I'd had it all wrong. My expectations had been too low. I read these three books, even had a couple of sessions with one of the writers to put me on the right track then I was off. I had a strategy and stuck to it like glue. Treated it like getting a great job. At least two first dates per week lasting an hour max, no endless messaging, no over investment in any one. If I liked them they got another date of two hours the next week. Met dh and we were engaged within the year.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1911175114/ref=dbsaawdpp1911175114
https://www.amazon.co.uk/New-Rules-digital-generation-bestselling/dp/0749957247/ref=pdawwsim1441/262-8817004-5836506?encoding=UTF8&pddrdi=0749957247&pddrdr=68e0fdc1-d7b4-4d87-a3ea-1f06945fa003&pddrdw=Dp87u&pddrdwg=lscaM&pffrdp=6b4fce8f-e868-4bc1-b2cc-86ad967b29bf&pffrdr=QGS0TJYH4RCWX98B6A2H&psc=1&refRID=QGS0TJYH4RCWX98B6A2HH_
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-Relationship/dp/1580627560/ref=pdd_awsimm142/262-8817004-5836506??encoding=UTF8&pdrddi=1580627560&pdrddr=68e0fdc1-d7b4-4d87-a3ea-1f06945fa003&pdrddw=Dp87u&pdrddwg=lscaM&pfrddp=6b4fce8f-e868-4bc1-b2cc-86ad967b29bf&pfrddr=QGS0TJYH4RCWX98B6A2H&psc=1&refRID=QGS0TJYH4RCWX98B6A2H

[triedandtestedteacher]

I would not allow myself to wallow for more than a day. Don't waste the pretty waiting. As soon as the lockdown is lifted get yourself out there and date. Lick your wounds while enjoying some nice dinner dates

[AmyDancer1]

I just don’t think I can get over this one. We had an abortion early in the relationship too as we weren’t ready and I feel like nobody will understand that in the future either. We planned to have children later on and I trusted him.

[Ulver]

I’ve been single for over four years and can’t really see myself meeting anyone in the future.
I’m cynical about relationships and find the drama around them draining.
Can’t be arsed anymore.

[Gutterton]

Oh that’s a lot of loss overwhelming you at once, the termination, the relationship, the future plans for children and family.

That’s a lot to come to terms with and that’s where your head is right now. As PP has said you are not ready to hear other people’s positive stories - they seem to make you feel worse. They are not relevant if they are hurting you.

Have a look at your own story.
What happened this time? Is it a pattern?

[Evergreenshrub]

Hey, that sounds rough. Just wanted to add to all the dating advice not to discount the networks of your friends, colleagues etc.

My friend gave such a great impression of being the single girl with a great lifestyle that we never thought to interfere. It took her actually asking to be set up on dates for a whole bunch if people to swing into action !

She dated friends of friends, colleagues of friends, a colleague's neighbour and finally settled down with the loveliest guy, who is the twin brother of a friend's work colleague! The best bit is that most of these people were all sort of "vetted" already and there was the social pressure not to mess around.

[AmyDancer1]

I just feel so devastated. I can’t imagine finding anyone

[Yellowsubmarinedreams]

A poster on a Mumsnet thread I once read said it helps to get a place of acceptance that it might never happen and what sort of life you might make for yourself if that were the case. There are no guarantees and not everyone gets the happy family. It doesn't mean it would be a life void of joy or happiness for you. Its a luck and numbers game.

[AmyDancer1]

I can’t see the light at all this time

[NicNac100]

Yep my 10 year relationship ended when I was 37, we were due to get married, he got cold feet dunno why he proposed in the first place, but whatever. I cancelled the wedding, felt very sorry for myself for a while, licked my wounds, then when it was truly time (I would defo recommend a bit of therapy or self-help as I truly believe you have to love yourself and have genuine self confidence that you deserve the world to move on and attract something good!) I ventured into the world of online dating, met someone great and we now have a baby on the way (I'm nearly 40) - good luck, you'll get there and meet someone wonderful one day and have no hesitation at all why this one wasn't meant to be!

[mochizzy]

My mate had the worst, horrible luck with men. You name it, she experienced it.

She turned 40 in March. She welcomed her baby with her lovely partner in February this year.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Someone I know met their dh at 37 and were welcoming baby no.3 when she was 43

[drspouse]

I met DH after saying "I can't be bothered to go on any more blind dates" aged 35. We had quite a time of it trying to have birth children but we have two (mainly) lovely DCs who we adopted when I was in my 40s. The older one has SEN but he also shares our love of science and numbers, and has just learned to play chess. The younger one has her own difficulties but is very loving and wants to bake and do crafts with us, when she isn't sitting down on the pavement in our daily walk due to having forgotten her gloves in April.

[ChicChicChicChiclana]

Oh how sad. I'm so sorry OP, what a devastating thing to happen.

How about giving yourself 6 or 9 months off dating? Or longer? You might be feeling the tick of your biological clock but I sense that you're going to be putting too much pressure on yourself and if you go on a mission right away.

Give yourself time to grieve and heal. I don't know, but are there any dating sites out there only for 35s who are serious about settling down? Maybe be very picky about which ones you use.

I hope you start to feel better soon, your poor sore heart .

[NotKeenOnSwede]

OP I am 35 and I could have wrote this. I ended mine in February, another one who proved he saw me as someone good enough to have a fun time with but not good enough to love. I'm done. I have no advice I just want you to know you're not the only one who feels like this x

[GrumpyMiddleAgedWoman]

Friend of mine. Single after shitty relationship, mid-30s. Met a bloke who pursued her ardently. Married him, had 3 DC in the space of five years. All going well.

The mother of a friend of mine. Married at about 38. Two DC, one at 40, one at 42. Now 90 and a grandmother.

[SoloMummy]

@AmyDancer1
I opted to be more proactive and ensure that the path I wished for my life to be on was the one I was on, not reliant on others. I Chose to be a mother via sperm donor. Best decision of my life.

[Wombleofwimbledon1984]

I met my husband at 32. My sister split up with a long term boyfriend at 36 and then met her now partner at 38. We are both pregnant.

I was single forever when I met my husband and I would lie awake at night panicking about being alone and not having children.

I really feel for you, especially if all of your friends are in couples. But what is there to gain with being pessimistic? Optimism is a much more constructive and happier way to be, and you’ll be much more likely to get what you want if you think you will get it.

As pps have said, take a bit of time before dating and try and enjoy other things for a while. As a married person I look back on my single life and miss it. I’m sure you will be married with kids one day and do exactly the same.

[Gutterton]

I know two friends who froze their eggs at 36 and 37. Both planned to go solo at 40. One met someone before and has had 3 children - the other had her child at 41.

Also know someone else who gave birth to first baby in Oct aged 46 after getting married at 43. Three years of IVF - but she now has a gorgeous 7 month old little girl.

[anonymousNam3]

@AmyDancer1 I've name changed for this because your post has really moved me to comment. I could have written this myself only 6 years ago. I was 35 and had split up with the latest- a string of long term relationships each one I thought would last and never did. I was really at rock bottom, and I mean rock bottom. I really felt that was it. I could see no light, could never even imagine being inspired by anyone else, finding a crush let alone love. I didn't know what to do or where to turn next. I actually had some sort of breakdown where I just wasn't even able to live my life properly. I worked from home and I just clocked out of life for a while. Would not work, just sit alone. I would cry all day, drink wine in the day and go for aimless walks. I wasn't even really thinking or in touch with how I felt or what was going on - I was a mix of sad and numb. I felt like my life was coming to an end, as dramatic as that sounds.
I can't explain how or why but something small clicked in me and I thought, perhaps I should look into getting a therapy session. This was just a vague thought, but I looked online and saw a low cost therapy place near me, £10 a session. I went along for a consultation, still not really engaging in anything but just sort of thinking that I might as well do this as my life was over anyway. The consultation was an introduction for the therapist to find out what I needed. I didn't actually know the answer or why I'd come, but once I started answering questions I couldn't stop talking and then all the tears came. Tears from years of failed relationships and disappointments, fears and everything. Even just that one session was a release. I was booked in for weekly sessions and started going. Therapy is deeply personal journey but in my case I spent a few weeks just crying and grieving for how I had wanted my life to be. It was good to be able to do that in the company of someone who was 100% non-judgemental as that is their professional role. Eventually after a few weeks I started to feel a bit better, a bit lighter, just from offloading it all, and I started to look more rationally about my past relationships and what had gone wrong. I started to work out patterns and behaviour and then I worked out how that had all come about.
Meanwhile, as I was starting to feel better I got a growing sense of optimism about life. I wasn't looking for another relationship but I felt okay about being me, and I started feeling happy to be alive, noticing the sun shining and the birds singing and all that stuff, which sounds silly I know, but it's true. I also realised where I needed to set new boundaries for myself to keep healthy and keep positive.
At this very moment, by a strange off-chance a new man came into my life. This was NOT a romantic relationship as far as I was concerned but I liked him. To cut a long story short, things slowly developed and we started tentatively dating. Such had been my heartbreak, sadness, disappointment and broken trust that I was incredibly cautious. However I started this dating with different behaviour and different ways of thinking than I'd ever done before- all stuff I'd learned in my sessions. I was also carrying on my therapy sessions at the same time, so it was like my therapist was holding my hand all the way while I dipped my toe on the dating water.
Anyway, we dated for a looong time with me keeping things 'safe' until one day after a few months I realised I was in love. This time, however, it felt totally different to the 'love' I'd felt in past relationships. Hard to explain, but it was more truthful.
Anyway, fast forward to now, I'm 41, and we got married when I was 39! I NEVER thought that would happen, honestly. And it wasn't a case of "quick I need to find a husband I'm nearly 40" either. It was a genuine love and mutual trust I'd never experienced. We are now expecting a baby, and I still go to therapy each week! I've learnt so much. Most importantly I'm not happy because I found a husband but because I truly found myself and then someone fell in love with the real me.

I'm sorry if that story was long. I just want you to know that it is possible.

I don't know your background of relationships or what went wrong with each one, but I would honestly urge you to look into online counselling or therapy to start to talk about how you're feeling with a non-judgemental trained person. Start it now during lockdown. You sound terribly low, and if you were my friend I'd be worried about your mental health right now from what you've said. Your lack of hope and inability to feel positivity speaks volumes to me and I get it. You do need to grieve, but I suspect you need to grieve for a whole lot more than just your recent relationship. There will be more/ the breakup was just another symptom of deeper things. Only you can discover what. Get some professional help to talk through it all and see what you learn. Get to the bottom of it. Learn about yourself fully, deeply. Find out what you really need to be happy, and I mean what your inner self really needs.

Once you're in that place then everything you truly want will flow to you, and you deserve to be fully happy. I wish you well

[NecklessMumster]

I was single for 10 years, met DP at a party aged 38, two kids at 39/40

[NotKeenOnSwede]

@anonymousNam3 that is a lovely helpful post x

[triedandtestedteacher]

Tbh if he's buggered off now you'd have ended up a single mother at 35 had you not had an abortion. Not that that's the end of the world ( I was a single mother) but it's trickier to meet someone with a child in tow and then there's all the issues with co parenting to contend with. At least you can break off cleanly and by stepping down he leaves room for another man. Better that than have decades of your life wasted by a guy that's just not really that interested like a lot of women on this site.

[Feelinghistoric]

I met someone at 35- two weeks. I’m now 38 and baby 1 is ten months and we’re about to start trying for baby 2. You don’t mess about when you find the right person at this point - but it is TOTALLY doable. I felt exactly like you did at your age. The whole thing felt so random and unfair and doomed. I did therapy for a bit and it really changed how I approached relationships. I felt like it was impossible and I was cursed. Honestly: cursed. But met a guy completely randomly and it just felt easy all the way through. It can happen, I promise.