@AmyDancer1 I've name changed for this because your post has really moved me to comment. I could have written this myself only 6 years ago. I was 35 and had split up with the latest- a string of long term relationships each one I thought would last and never did. I was really at rock bottom, and I mean rock bottom. I really felt that was it. I could see no light, could never even imagine being inspired by anyone else, finding a crush let alone love. I didn't know what to do or where to turn next. I actually had some sort of breakdown where I just wasn't even able to live my life properly. I worked from home and I just clocked out of life for a while. Would not work, just sit alone. I would cry all day, drink wine in the day and go for aimless walks. I wasn't even really thinking or in touch with how I felt or what was going on - I was a mix of sad and numb. I felt like my life was coming to an end, as dramatic as that sounds.
I can't explain how or why but something small clicked in me and I thought, perhaps I should look into getting a therapy session. This was just a vague thought, but I looked online and saw a low cost therapy place near me, £10 a session. I went along for a consultation, still not really engaging in anything but just sort of thinking that I might as well do this as my life was over anyway. The consultation was an introduction for the therapist to find out what I needed. I didn't actually know the answer or why I'd come, but once I started answering questions I couldn't stop talking and then all the tears came. Tears from years of failed relationships and disappointments, fears and everything. Even just that one session was a release. I was booked in for weekly sessions and started going. Therapy is deeply personal journey but in my case I spent a few weeks just crying and grieving for how I had wanted my life to be. It was good to be able to do that in the company of someone who was 100% non-judgemental as that is their professional role. Eventually after a few weeks I started to feel a bit better, a bit lighter, just from offloading it all, and I started to look more rationally about my past relationships and what had gone wrong. I started to work out patterns and behaviour and then I worked out how that had all come about.
Meanwhile, as I was starting to feel better I got a growing sense of optimism about life. I wasn't looking for another relationship but I felt okay about being me, and I started feeling happy to be alive, noticing the sun shining and the birds singing and all that stuff, which sounds silly I know, but it's true. I also realised where I needed to set new boundaries for myself to keep healthy and keep positive.
At this very moment, by a strange off-chance a new man came into my life. This was NOT a romantic relationship as far as I was concerned but I liked him. To cut a long story short, things slowly developed and we started tentatively dating. Such had been my heartbreak, sadness, disappointment and broken trust that I was incredibly cautious. However I started this dating with different behaviour and different ways of thinking than I'd ever done before- all stuff I'd learned in my sessions. I was also carrying on my therapy sessions at the same time, so it was like my therapist was holding my hand all the way while I dipped my toe on the dating water.
Anyway, we dated for a looong time with me keeping things 'safe' until one day after a few months I realised I was in love. This time, however, it felt totally different to the 'love' I'd felt in past relationships. Hard to explain, but it was more truthful.
Anyway, fast forward to now, I'm 41, and we got married when I was 39! I NEVER thought that would happen, honestly. And it wasn't a case of "quick I need to find a husband I'm nearly 40" either. It was a genuine love and mutual trust I'd never experienced. We are now expecting a baby, and I still go to therapy each week! I've learnt so much. Most importantly I'm not happy because I found a husband but because I truly found myself and then someone fell in love with the real me.
I'm sorry if that story was long. I just want you to know that it is possible.
I don't know your background of relationships or what went wrong with each one, but I would honestly urge you to look into online counselling or therapy to start to talk about how you're feeling with a non-judgemental trained person. Start it now during lockdown. You sound terribly low, and if you were my friend I'd be worried about your mental health right now from what you've said. Your lack of hope and inability to feel positivity speaks volumes to me and I get it. You do need to grieve, but I suspect you need to grieve for a whole lot more than just your recent relationship. There will be more/ the breakup was just another symptom of deeper things. Only you can discover what. Get some professional help to talk through it all and see what you learn. Get to the bottom of it. Learn about yourself fully, deeply. Find out what you really need to be happy, and I mean what your inner self really needs.
Once you're in that place then everything you truly want will flow to you, and you deserve to be fully happy. I wish you well