If you’ve gone no contact with certain family members what was the final straw

[Lardlizard]

That made you come to that decision

All these people who have been spoken about on this thread are a certain type of person usually self centred with an overwhelming belief that they are always right despite how facts/circumstances prove otherwise.

Why do you ask OP? What was the final straw for you? For me it was them defending the person who abused me. I'm now LC after 7 years not NC though it's been difficult as other family members cannot fully understand my actions then and now.

It was my 26th birthday and had a party arranged. I had never had a birthday party before or anything like that and my parents guilted me into cancelling to spend the day with them. My parents were mentally and physically abusive growning up but I always forgave them.

We went out for a meal with my partner at the time and when he went to the bathroom that's when it kicked off. My mother leaned across the table and said "he's gay you know, how can anyone ever love you".

Needless to say that was the final straw. I never saw them for about 5 years when my brother was involved in a fatal car crash. When we still thought he would pull through they announced they were going home "we've said our goodbyes already". I wish he had made it as I think that would have made him finally realise they never deserved him :(

As for me no regrets cutting contact with them. Horrible, cruel people who will never get near any family I go on to have.

Spent years watching entire family being manipulated by my older sister. Final straw was when our elderly mum had an emergency and needed a place to stay but sister tolerated her presence in her 3 bed house (which she lived in free thanks to ex husband) for a total of 48hr before summarily demanding she fly back home.

Always making drama, always hyper sexual, always putting on a hideous fake American accent. Then when mum started dying a few months later the usual hysterics and attention seeking.

NC has been bliss.

My younger sister (encouraged and supported by her vile husband) took myself and my older siter to court in the belief (her over fertile imagination, no proof whatsoever) that we, as executors of our late fathers will, had taken a substantial sum from one of his bank accounts.

Interesting, I had this threat from my sister but she never bothered with it. Extremely avaricious and scheming.

Familiy deaths often bring out true colours.

A number of straws with my mother.....

• Emotionally she was never there for me
• She stopped parenting me at around 14 - I wasn’t bought any clothes, toiletries etc
• Always felt a level of underlying bullying
• I was terrified of her and even as an adult if I hear the words ‘let’s have a little talk’ it fills me with dread & fear
• Constantly jokes about ‘controlling me’
• My beloved father died and when I cried she snapped ‘you have nothing to be upset about, he’s my husband’
• I suffered a head injury (through a sports accident) in France. I was in intensive care / hospital and on my own. She didn’t offer to visit or help me.

I could go on.

I haven’t seen her in over 4 years and haven’t spoken to her in months (in her head she’ll be punishing me for something). The relief is immense.

Dino
Just because we got sick of my dh stepdad after putting up with him for years
Put downs, nasty snide comments, winding the kids up
And generally being a dick
And horrible to be around and decided last year that’s it
I’m done, been six months and feel better for it

I went non-contact with a aunt who slurred her words and one side of her face drooped due to an operation. She had no children. And a husband who was foul. We all felt really sorry for her. Then I phoned up one afternoon to say we were going to be 30mins late bringing her brother and nieces to her (3hr round trip for us). She got angry and transformed into a woman who could suddenly articulate very well with a normal speech pattern. Loads of swearing and saying it was not acceptable and don’t bother. It was a complete eye opener. Her brother (FIL) was a quiet gentle man and was fearful of them and told us just to let it lie. I never spoke to them again. Her sister managed a bit longer then gave up too. They kept phoning FIL but took the mic out of his dementia. He often was in tears. OH told them when FIL died but they then kept phoning us demanding to know the date of the funeral. We said we would tell them as soon as we knew but they kept ringing (7.30am)! We told them the day it was confirmed and then they said it wasn’t convenient for them. They turned up for 10 minutes. I didn’t speak to them. OH did. They looked old and lonely.

I've name changed for this.

I think I'm reaching this point with my sister. She's had problems with addiction for decades and I've tried to be supportive but not enabling. I've had times of NC with her; e.g. after she stole money from my parents in a particularly disgusting way. Eventually I had to get back in touch with her because us being NC was upsetting for our Mum. Mum's very good at putting things behind her and then I suddenly I realise I'm the outsider in the family while they all stick together. My Mum will say she's not one to bear a grudge which means that she thinks I am.

I'm realising more and more that my sister's a very selfish person and that even in times of sobriety she doesn't really say she's sorry or try to make amends (e.g. pay back the money she stole, which she could have done when she inherited a sum from our Dad's estate).

She's a key worker at the moment (works in a supermarket) and doesn't believe that Covid 19 is real. I said to her at the start of lockdown that we'll need to keep away from Mum and decide the best way to support her but she disagrees and continued to go round to visit. Mum finds it hard to say no to her as she worries she'll relapse if she does.

She keeps sending me strange texts about how it's all nonsense and has linked to YouTube videos I should watch to back up her ideas. I've tried to keep things nice and ignore the conspiracy stuff and just ask after her but in the end I said I won't be watching as I'm not interested in those kind of theories and she got very angry. She apologised later but I'm really fed up of dealing with this kind of crap. I just want to be happy.

I think she's got undiagnosed MH issues that she's been self medicating against for years. This makes me feel guilty but I'm running low on my sympathy reserves.

I think that while Mum's still alive we probably will be in contact but once she's gone I am tempted to move far away and block her.

When my stepmother questioned Why I would call the police when my house was burgled.
The front door was kicked in and my daughter came home alone and called me at work, crying, terrified.
It later transpired that my neighbour had cctv of the incident which we were able to give to the police to identify the suspects.
But why did I bother? She couldn’t understand it?
I realised that she just didn’t care about us at all.
Also I was worried as bout my dads behaviour, he seemed down and withdrawn when I stayed with him he barely spoke to me or my daughter to the point that my daughter was crying asking me why he hated her and what had she done wrong.
I asked her if there was anything I could do to help.
She told me “Don’t worry about him, just think about yourself, that’s what I’m doing”.
We used to have a better relationship but she became very callous and bitter.
She also claims to be broke regularly despite fitting new marble floors in the entire house they live in France, and owning multiple properties internationally. Broke is relative obviously.

@Ulver. I think you should try to get your father on his own and ask what is going on and why he is being so reclusive. He may well be suffering some abuse especially as you say he is also withdrawn and down. He may have been told not to speak about things to you. You also need to do this for your own daughter. Your daughter was upset thinking Grandad does not like her. Your step mother sounds really awful, and as an adult with an elderly father and a young child you surely want to at least ask what is going on.
Don't completely abandon your dad to this woman. Controlling types will always try to isolate their victim

MsReturntoLife

I think he has depression and a bit of dementia? Trouble is he’s been a bit of an ass to her over the years and I think she’s getting her revenge.
He did used to be a bit of a bastard in general but now he’s old and unwell and is dependent on her. So she’s lording it over him.
I don’t really care about the dynamics of their relationship, I don’t think she’s abusive. But she has taken over all their assets because of inheritance laws and taxes in France so she holds all the cards now.
He recently had a major heart operation and is in recovery.
I think she’s always resented any money he’s spent on me and has been quite bitter about it as she sees it as her money, ( they ran a business together.) They both have been quite hostile towards me in the last five years so I just stopped contact. I don’t call them, they don’t have my number, I don’t visit.

My daughter does visit however and I wouldn’t stop her. Apparently my dad still has rages over trivial things like her eating a Mc Donald’s? Not sure why he’s eaten it all his life?
He tends to have meltdowns over food that are weird. Shouting at waitresses etc. He’s quite unreasonable sometimes.

I went NC with my dad in January this year after the way he behaved when DH and I lost our DD at full term last November, she sadly passed away during labour.

I think the term for the way he behaved is grief thief. He told every Tom, dick and harry he came into contact with what had happened to garner sympathy, this was all confirmed by my mum. I'm talking the local pharmacist, fishmonger etc... totally random people. The night before DDs funeral he threw a tantrum and when I told him we should be focusing on DD and he was making it all about him he told me that other people were grieving, he was having to walk on eggshells around me and other delights.

I kept quiet as I wanted to focus on giving DD the best send off possible. However, after the funeral I told him that I'd rather he not share such personal information with so many people. I also told him how much he'd upset me before the funeral. I got a text message back telling me that all I did was blame him for everything and he could never do anything right. I didn't reply. I then recieved a huge email in January telling me what a horrible person and daughter I was. How I'd made him ill, almost made him and my mum split up and listing in minute detail everything he'd done for me as a 'parent' to show me how wonderful he considered himself. What upset me the most was he didn't once mention DD.

I didn't respond and haven't had any contact since. He's always been a selfish, controlling narcissistic bully but that behaviour really was the icing on the cake.

Some of these stories are awful. I’m so glad people have found peace in going low or no contact.
I’m low contact with my brother after I realised he and his wife cannot accept me for who I am. They started an argument and ruined my dads birthday. I’ll never be able to forgive them for that so it’s best not to have contact. Although I really miss my nieces. And I feel very sad about the future not being how I’d always imagined it. I hope I find peace as I learn to live with it as lots of you have done

@MaeDanvers what you said!

5 years NC with my identical twin sister and I'm happier than I've ever been. all my life she put me down, belittled and bullied me. She liked me in my sad little box. then I had counselling, met my DH and had DS (she told me nobody would ever want me or want to have a child with me.
The day I went NC was my only child's 2cnd birthday. she ignored his first and as I'd been trained I let her off with it. Come his 2cnd birthday, she ignored it again. I don;t know what clicked in my brain but that was it for me.
She treated me like shit all my life and she was doing the same to my wee boy. I'd provided free childcare for her kids, never missed a birthday or christmas and she cant even send my wee boy a card?
He would never be good enough for her, never. My son deserves so much more than to feel like that.
Since then, I can do anything!! I even passed my driving test-something else she told me not to bother with.
I can breathe. And be me.

I highly recommend cutting off anyone who drags you down.

As a PP said, over something extremely trivial in the end but for me it was the final straw that proved she didn’t even like me, let alone love me. Why have someone in your life who couldn’t care less about you? Seems pretty pointless to me so I severed contact again and it’s now been about five years.

People rarely go NC without a lot of history. It's never cut and dry.
I think people who have only experienced it can understand.
It usually is a final straw after years of crap.

My DM, found out she’d leathered my DD6 after I had tried to allow a relationship with her DGC despite my shitty childhood.
Now 15 years NC and it’s a huge relief.

I’ve gone NC with my pil after 23 years of putting up with their behaviour. Mil is a narcissist and Fil just enables her behaviour.
They came round to see our newly renovated house which we were very proud of. Didn’t say a single nice thing about it and only said that my bathroom tiles were a bit dark and that my son’s would be hard to clean. Not a single word and this was a 9 month renovation job so a huge change to our house and my DH was very proud of what we’d had done.
The final straw was when she started moaning about the fact that they have no relationship with our dc. I stopped begging her to see my kids during the holidays about 5 years ago. Bearing in mind they live 20 minutes away and she doesn’t work she hasn’t seen them during the summer holidays for the last 7 years.
My dc are now 15 and 13 and hate being on their own with their dgp because they also bicker and bitch at each other in front of my dc and they feel awkward and embarrassed by this behaviour. I made them go January 2019 to see their dgp but they had such an awful time I told them that they didn’t have to go if they didn’t want to.
I lost my temper with them and called them out about the fact that they never ask to see them and I’d always had to beg for them to see them. She started crying as usual (it’s never her fault) and they stormed off. This was last summer and I’m overjoyed at the thought that I will never have to see either of them again!
My dh is low contact and is also so much happier.

It just hit me one day that they were never, ever going to treat me like a human being. It was a seemingly small thing but very symbolic and I had just had enough.

My dads mum.

She was constantly vile to my dad upsetting him with her spiteful comments. She worked with my other nan for 5 years and no one every realised they shared 6 grand children because all she ever spoke about were 'the boys' and her other son and his wife. She even managed to make her own sisters funeral about her and 'the boys' with my own sisters sat infront of her.

When my cousin had her baby she rang my dad to tell him she was a great grandmother despite me having a son. Also parading said baby around my dads 50th with her back to my boy, not even acknowledging him.

I stopped going to her house, calling her, refused to go round, and stopped referring to her as Nan.

Shes recently died, it made me think was i right to cut her out. Yes i was, just because she had died, it didnt take away what she did. I didnt do it for just me and my kids, i did it for my dad and my siblings. You have to suffer consequences for being a horrible person eventually and that was hers.

I’m trying at the moment to go no contact with my dad. We’ve always had a very minimal relationship but the fact that he is a racist and DP is mixed race was never going to bode well.
When I showed him a photo when we first started dating he said “but you can’t be with him, if you have kids together they won’t be white” nice guy

When my mum repeated an old family mythology over Christmas dinner: 'you're the bad one, your sister is the kind one, your brother is the my favourite.'

In reality, I've achieved the most academically speaking, and emotionally intelligent unlike my my siblings or mum.

The verbal abuse lasted 33 years, while expecting me to naturally always do the best in school, wnd my brother doing the absolute minimum. And my sister can never do anything wrong, even being a alcoholic (no one ever talks about it).

I finally got fed up this past Christmas and decided to raise my DS in a different environment and minimised contact with my mum and sister.

It's been v. difficult for me, as I've had my 'place' in the family and played that role forever.

I also had talks with the entire lot that this family mythology needed to stop, the verbal abuse needed to stop immediately.

Again, they ignored it. Also my brother asked for his money back for taking me out on my birthday last year? V. Odd but I did pay him back gladly!

The denial from one parent that I was ever abused by the other violent parent.
F@&k this sh! T was all I could think of at the time and that was it I was done.