If you’ve gone no contact with certain family members what was the final straw

[Lardlizard]

That made you come to that decision

[rvby]

I'm LC with my sister. One day, a week or so after I had left the marital home after the relationship collapsed, she was going to come round to visit me. I had been crying on and off all day - it was a raw, dreadful time - and was aware I wasn't going to be fun to be around, so I just let her know that I was down and may cry during her visit.

She sacked me off, "oh ok well I don't really 'do' feelings so maybe another day". Text me a week or two later, careful not to ask how I was, breezy as you like.

There were many other little cruelties like that during my divorce, but that one really stuck with me. I didn't go LC immediately based on that, but in time, that became the pivotal moment. It became very clear to me that as much as I loved her, she really just did not want to hear a word from me that wasn't directly about her, or pure small talk.

Sad to be LC, but better than being slowly drained of energy by someone who operates only as a user and a taker.

[Porcupineinwaiting]

@Changedname78 no I didnt. Caused a lot of friction for a year or two - lots of emotional blackmail from parents - but then his behaviour got so extreme (drugs/mh) that I had to help them take out a restraining order against him and get him evicted from their house.

He's actually doing slightly better now (forced to seek help for his issues) and is supported by my dh wrt accessing housing, benefits and healthcare. So if not exactly a happy ending things are better than they have ever been in years. But my family was/is massively disfunctional.

[Holothane]

My sister not even listening to my side of a very hurtful conversation between me and the woman who brought me up, my then fiancé stuck up for me I’ve not seen or heard from the family since and never will again, I even refused my dad asking for us to get back together I replied no, it’s not going to happen. No regrets.

[Porcupineinwaiting]

Brother. Lots of bad behaviour building up to it (I was scared of him) but the straw that broke the camel's back was when he screamed at me in front of my children. It really upset my parents but that was it, no more contact

[Shinelikeastar1]

pancakeloverr your comment about your place in the family really struck a chord with me.
Having been raised in what I now recognise was a disfunctional family. Parents were functioning alcoholics. We were physically and mentally abused. We were expected to behave to high moralistic standards.

There were 4 DCs. Oldest the sorter outer, 2nd lazy, spoiled (true in this case), my place was the bossy, grumpy one and I’m still introduced as this today by oldest Dsis, 4th helpless quiet one.

Discussing with my Dsis today about DM more than likely being a Narcissist. We looked after her since we were no age until she died and the sad thing is we both agreed if we had to do it again we would out of misplaced loyalty.

I’m glad that you and the other posters have been courageous to say no more.
I hope you all find peace.

[Shefliesonherownwings]

@RebelWhoWashesFor19Seconds your dad sounds so similar to mine. I used to be terrified of losing or breaking something in the house because of the abuse I'd get. The way he overreacted to everything meant I constantly walked on eggshells for fear of setting him off.

Well done for cutting him off and standing up for yourself.

[Changedname78]

What I wanna know is if you’ve gone NC. Do you still attend family events when that person will be there ?

[RebelWhoWashesFor19Seconds]

I was reduced to tears on the phone again as an adult.

I've always thought my dad had a "Let's see how I can make Rebel cry today" game. Like a challenge he set himself every day over breakfast.

I was always sought my dad's approval. Tried to be a good daughter. I'm not a soft arse by any means but my dad was just so damned nasty to me. It's hard to describe but one example is when CDs first came out. I was a young teen. Dad had told me to load something onto the PC then went out to fix the car. Well, I couldn't get the disk out of the case for fear or breaking it so took it to dad. He screamed at me. Ranting and raving about me being fucking useless and couldn't I see his hands were fucking filthy and of course he couldn't do it?!

Over a CD. He could have simply said, "Just push that in the middle and it'll pop out, love"

So as an adult living in another country I would phone him (it was expected) every week or so to keep in touch and almost every phone call would have him having a pop at me for something. I'd end up with a lump in my chest and tears in my eyes, I'd apologise and breezily say, "Well, I best let you get on eh? I'll speak to you soon!" Then I'd put the phone down and go wipe the tears from my face, leaving me feeling like shit for the rest of the day.

Every fucking time without fail.

It took years for me to realise I was holding the phone to my ear. I was doing it to myself. So, I just put the phone down. It was that simple. He was unable to be horrible to me. I simply quit facilitating the abuse. I didn't phone him anymore and as usual he never phoned me.

DSis told me he wanted to know why I wasn't phoning and to pass the message on for me to ring him. My phone had a bell too, but even if he did (ha!) I wouldn't have answered. I told her I was done with him being nasty to me and DSis told him that straight. She's seen it all my life. He was nice to her, cruel to me.

It took years before I spoke to him again. By then he had learned his lesson. We've been back in contact years now and he knows I now know I don't need to take it. Going NC showed him I was quite willing to let him lose his youngest daughter and his first grandchildren if he ever decides he wants to be cruel and nasty to me again.

[Lardlizard]

Wow so many sad stories but you know what, massive well done for finally deciding enough is enough
Wishing you all so much good for the future
One thing sticks out
We all feel happier now
Funny that eh !

Here’s to you all

[Ulver]

Another time my daughter fell over on the way back from school. It was snowing and she couldn’t see a pothole on the rd under the snow.
He face was quite badly cut up around her mouth and I walked to my parents near by as they had a car and I didn’t.
Cue them saying everything was fine, no need to take her to A&E as this kind of thing happens all the time with small children ( she was about 4).
I wanted to go to A&E but they pressured me into not going.
I went to the doctors the next day and the doctor was annoyed that I didn’t take her to A&E straight away the day before and gave me a funny look like I was a negligent parent.
Luckily two teachers from her school saw her fall over and helped us because otherwise god knows what the teachers would have thought about her injuries.
Just another example of them not giving a shit.

[Ulver]

A couple of other incidents that made me question my parents were when a neighbours dog tried to bite my daughter in the face and they blamed her and me rather than the dog. Then got angry at me for saying I didn’t like the dog.
It was in their house, they were looking after the neighbours dog, it was the mother of my parents cocker spaniel. She was very yappy and highly strung and annoying.
Whereas my daughter got on very well will her son, my parents dog.
We tried to keep her in the hallway while we had Sunday dinner, but she barked loudly and scratched the door to the point that my parents let her in.
My daughter who was around four at the time slipped under the table and the dog bit her in the face.
It didn’t break her skin but I was horrified.
Cue my parents saying I shouldn’t have let my daughter near the dog, it was my fault and I should keep her under control!
I was furious and left.
Ffs they cared more about the dog.

[MoiraRoses]

The denial from one parent that I was ever abused by the other violent parent.
F@&k this sh! T was all I could think of at the time and that was it I was done.

[pancakeloverrr]

When my mum repeated an old family mythology over Christmas dinner: 'you're the bad one, your sister is the kind one, your brother is the my favourite.'

In reality, I've achieved the most academically speaking, and emotionally intelligent unlike my my siblings or mum.

The verbal abuse lasted 33 years, while expecting me to naturally always do the best in school, wnd my brother doing the absolute minimum. And my sister can never do anything wrong, even being a alcoholic (no one ever talks about it).

I finally got fed up this past Christmas and decided to raise my DS in a different environment and minimised contact with my mum and sister.

It's been v. difficult for me, as I've had my 'place' in the family and played that role forever.

I also had talks with the entire lot that this family mythology needed to stop, the verbal abuse needed to stop immediately.

Again, they ignored it. Also my brother asked for his money back for taking me out on my birthday last year? V. Odd but I did pay him back gladly!

[FizzyPink]

I’m trying at the moment to go no contact with my dad. We’ve always had a very minimal relationship but the fact that he is a racist and DP is mixed race was never going to bode well.
When I showed him a photo when we first started dating he said “but you can’t be with him, if you have kids together they won’t be white” nice guy

[Gin4thewin]

My dads mum.

She was constantly vile to my dad upsetting him with her spiteful comments. She worked with my other nan for 5 years and no one every realised they shared 6 grand children because all she ever spoke about were 'the boys' and her other son and his wife. She even managed to make her own sisters funeral about her and 'the boys' with my own sisters sat infront of her.

When my cousin had her baby she rang my dad to tell him she was a great grandmother despite me having a son. Also parading said baby around my dads 50th with her back to my boy, not even acknowledging him.

I stopped going to her house, calling her, refused to go round, and stopped referring to her as Nan.

Shes recently died, it made me think was i right to cut her out. Yes i was, just because she had died, it didnt take away what she did. I didnt do it for just me and my kids, i did it for my dad and my siblings. You have to suffer consequences for being a horrible person eventually and that was hers.

[zozozoe]

It just hit me one day that they were never, ever going to treat me like a human being. It was a seemingly small thing but very symbolic and I had just had enough.

[follygirl]

I’ve gone NC with my pil after 23 years of putting up with their behaviour. Mil is a narcissist and Fil just enables her behaviour.
They came round to see our newly renovated house which we were very proud of. Didn’t say a single nice thing about it and only said that my bathroom tiles were a bit dark and that my son’s would be hard to clean. Not a single word and this was a 9 month renovation job so a huge change to our house and my DH was very proud of what we’d had done.
The final straw was when she started moaning about the fact that they have no relationship with our dc. I stopped begging her to see my kids during the holidays about 5 years ago. Bearing in mind they live 20 minutes away and she doesn’t work she hasn’t seen them during the summer holidays for the last 7 years.
My dc are now 15 and 13 and hate being on their own with their dgp because they also bicker and bitch at each other in front of my dc and they feel awkward and embarrassed by this behaviour. I made them go January 2019 to see their dgp but they had such an awful time I told them that they didn’t have to go if they didn’t want to.
I lost my temper with them and called them out about the fact that they never ask to see them and I’d always had to beg for them to see them. She started crying as usual (it’s never her fault) and they stormed off. This was last summer and I’m overjoyed at the thought that I will never have to see either of them again!
My dh is low contact and is also so much happier.

[JKScot4]

My DM, found out she’d leathered my DD6 after I had tried to allow a relationship with her DGC despite my shitty childhood.
Now 15 years NC and it’s a huge relief.

[Aerial2020]

People rarely go NC without a lot of history. It's never cut and dry.
I think people who have only experienced it can understand.
It usually is a final straw after years of crap.

[justanotherneighinparadise]

As a PP said, over something extremely trivial in the end but for me it was the final straw that proved she didn’t even like me, let alone love me. Why have someone in your life who couldn’t care less about you? Seems pretty pointless to me so I severed contact again and it’s now been about five years.

[TaighNamGastaOrt]

@MaeDanvers what you said!

5 years NC with my identical twin sister and I'm happier than I've ever been. all my life she put me down, belittled and bullied me. She liked me in my sad little box. then I had counselling, met my DH and had DS (she told me nobody would ever want me or want to have a child with me.
The day I went NC was my only child's 2cnd birthday. she ignored his first and as I'd been trained I let her off with it. Come his 2cnd birthday, she ignored it again. I don;t know what clicked in my brain but that was it for me.
She treated me like shit all my life and she was doing the same to my wee boy. I'd provided free childcare for her kids, never missed a birthday or christmas and she cant even send my wee boy a card?
He would never be good enough for her, never. My son deserves so much more than to feel like that.
Since then, I can do anything!! I even passed my driving test-something else she told me not to bother with.
I can breathe. And be me.

I highly recommend cutting off anyone who drags you down.

[Chocolatecake12]

Some of these stories are awful. I’m so glad people have found peace in going low or no contact.
I’m low contact with my brother after I realised he and his wife cannot accept me for who I am. They started an argument and ruined my dads birthday. I’ll never be able to forgive them for that so it’s best not to have contact. Although I really miss my nieces. And I feel very sad about the future not being how I’d always imagined it. I hope I find peace as I learn to live with it as lots of you have done

[Shefliesonherownwings]

I went NC with my dad in January this year after the way he behaved when DH and I lost our DD at full term last November, she sadly passed away during labour.

I think the term for the way he behaved is grief thief. He told every Tom, dick and harry he came into contact with what had happened to garner sympathy, this was all confirmed by my mum. I'm talking the local pharmacist, fishmonger etc... totally random people. The night before DDs funeral he threw a tantrum and when I told him we should be focusing on DD and he was making it all about him he told me that other people were grieving, he was having to walk on eggshells around me and other delights.

I kept quiet as I wanted to focus on giving DD the best send off possible. However, after the funeral I told him that I'd rather he not share such personal information with so many people. I also told him how much he'd upset me before the funeral. I got a text message back telling me that all I did was blame him for everything and he could never do anything right. I didn't reply. I then recieved a huge email in January telling me what a horrible person and daughter I was. How I'd made him ill, almost made him and my mum split up and listing in minute detail everything he'd done for me as a 'parent' to show me how wonderful he considered himself. What upset me the most was he didn't once mention DD.

I didn't respond and haven't had any contact since. He's always been a selfish, controlling narcissistic bully but that behaviour really was the icing on the cake.

[Ulver]

My daughter does visit however and I wouldn’t stop her. Apparently my dad still has rages over trivial things like her eating a Mc Donald’s? Not sure why he’s eaten it all his life?
He tends to have meltdowns over food that are weird. Shouting at waitresses etc. He’s quite unreasonable sometimes.

[Ulver]

MsReturntoLife

I think he has depression and a bit of dementia? Trouble is he’s been a bit of an ass to her over the years and I think she’s getting her revenge.
He did used to be a bit of a bastard in general but now he’s old and unwell and is dependent on her. So she’s lording it over him.
I don’t really care about the dynamics of their relationship, I don’t think she’s abusive. But she has taken over all their assets because of inheritance laws and taxes in France so she holds all the cards now.
He recently had a major heart operation and is in recovery.
I think she’s always resented any money he’s spent on me and has been quite bitter about it as she sees it as her money, ( they ran a business together.) They both have been quite hostile towards me in the last five years so I just stopped contact. I don’t call them, they don’t have my number, I don’t visit.