Is this 'typical' grandparent behaviour?

[NannaNoodleman]

DS & DD don't see their paternal grandparents much. There's a history but I just wanted an unbiased consensus:

DH has just got back from taking the children to see their grandparents. They'd left their Christmas decorations up to have a belated Christmas.

They told the kids that Santa came to their house because they (the children) were visiting.

They bought the kids £100s worth of gifts.

Is this 'typical' of grandparents? It's very different from how my parents behave so just trying to gage!

I am really pissed off about the Santa thing because:

1. Santa only brings one gift per child in our house, the other presents are from whoever they're from (DH did have a word with them but the seed had already been planted)
   
2. why didn't Santa leave gifts at their other grandparents?
   
3. the insinuation of "if you go to grandparents, Santa visits.

[Justmuddlingalong]

Then yes. I personally think their behaviour is normal.

[pallisers]

The OP has said there is a back-story. She has said she isn't going to do or say anything. She has said that this idea that santa comes to someone else's house in January (way to get your child to doubt santa!) is not a family tradition. And yet people still want to get a dig in at her. Call her jealous, bitter, ungrateful, rude (and all of that is rude NOT honest).

And on the relationships board. MN is such a shit place sometime.

[NannaNoodleman]

I just really hope it isn't an "act" and is genuine.

I don't want to be complacent.

[NannaNoodleman]

Nope, not jealous either. My parents are quite secure in their relationships with their grandchildren.

[NannaNoodleman]

Thank you, @pallisers

[Interestedwoman]

'Their toxic history is towards DH & me. I just want to keep a check that their behaviour towards my children is normal.'

Sorry to hear that.

'I just really hope it isn't an "act" and is genuine.

I don't want to be complacent.'

I understand that. How is the rest of their behaviour towards the children? Is it ok? You can only keep an eye out. This example is ok in and of itself IMO. xx

[namechange5575]

Agree with Pallisers.

And yes Nanna, I understand your concerns, and I would say this is within the realm of normal behaviour. One of our grandparents is similar. Their motivations may be off (who knows), but the actual behaviour isn't inappropriate.

One thing you said implied that you are concerned about being beholden. Please don't feel this way - their actions are their choices, you don't owe anything at all (gifts, time, compromises, biting your tongue) as a result. Except perhaps a thank you note

[NannaNoodleman]

I find the whole lavishing gifts/spoiling with gifts or money really weird but I completely understand that this is normal for other families & friends.

They didn't lavish gifts on their own children but I guess things change with grandchildren.

[Herocomplex]

Is your DH ok after the visit?

[MajesticWhine]

From my experience with my in-laws this is annoying but completely normal grandparent behaviour.

[NannaNoodleman]

DH is tired. It's quite draining for him but it's his choice.

He said the level of attention they constantly crave from the children is unsettling.

[Herocomplex]

The general rule of thumb is that if they’re too batshit for you as an adult they’re probably not ideal company for your DC’s. Have you visited the Stately Homes thread? Lots of support and advice if needed.

[DappledThings]

It would be completely bizarre for my parents to do this, would be much less bizarre for PIL but we made it clear from the beginning that FC brings stockings only and please, please to them to only buy one present so we made them reign it in a bit.

I would be pissed off with this for the same explanation that Sandsnake gave. I wouldn't say it's not "normal" though. Rude and overstepping boundaries certainly but far from uncommon.

[Gutterton]

I have seen this type of thing go on with my toxic NPD MiL. She was anxious that DiL parents would have more time with DGD - so spent hundreds and hundreds for the first Xmas. It was just dominating, controlling and showing off / trying to outdo the other DGPs. Really vulgar and v overwhelming and uncomfortable for the child. The DiL just used to sell it all on eBay. It didn’t last that long - maybe a couple of xmas’ until she got bored or realised that the other GP and DiL were indifferent.

I do think that the Santa thing is pissing on your parade - lucky they didn’t see them before Xmas. But you might sound a bit unhinged to bring it up - or maybe not.

Did the GPs ask what the DCs wanted/needed in advance?

[LightDrizzle]

I think you are getting a really hard time on here OP.
Grandparents giving belated Christmas gifts sounds normal and nice to me. Appropriating Father Christmas is overstepping as that is the parents’ territory, and as can be seen even within this small thread, different households do Father Christmas differently. Consequently those of us who, even though we “know Santa isn’t real, right?”, - want to preserve the magic for as long as possible, are protective of it.
It really is something parents normally handle, it does seem like muscling in on their part. I think it is odd, and if they have history of being overbearing then I don’t think it comes from a purely benign place.
I’d tell them it was very generous to get them the gifts, thank you, but please don’t do Father Christmas with them in the future. Tell them you’ve told the children it was actually them, not the real Father Christmas, and they were just trying to make it like Christmas Day for them.

[Chloemol]

They obviously wanted to spend a Christmas with the grandchildren. ITS up to them what they choose to spend on them. You may think that it’s not normal, but some grandparents do spoil their grandchildren, just look at other posts.

In this case could they have seen them Over Christmas week? In fact do they see then often? You mention issues .or back story indicating issues, are they making up for not seeing them?

At the age the children are they are unlikely to question Santa, so just come to some agreement next year via your dh sorting it with his parents

[Abkbjbjb]

Oh I could have written this post myself.....my in-laws do the exact same thing.....drives me crazy. I asked them would they mind not doing it his year and they still managed to get their sneaky comments in about Santa being at their house. You have my sympathy, no one else I know does it so no idea why anyone would think that would be a normal thing to say when we are all trying our best to let our kids believe for that little amount of time that they actually do.......😢

[Justcallmebebes]

Waaay too much time on your hands!

[sunshinesupermum]

There is no 'normal' grandparent behaviour OP. As a grandparent myself (single) I love to spoil my grandsons when I can - they get equally spoiled by their other set of grandparents.

Your family history must be colouring how you are reacting to this Father Christmas question you've posed. Children the age of yours believe in him, and that he visits every home. How many gifts he brings is a matter of each family I guess!

[Spied]

Just let them enjoy their grandchildren.
You say they don't see them often but it sounds like they love them and have enjoyed planning this little treat.
In their way they are making memories with the grandchildren.

[sunshinesupermum]

LightDrizzle Sorry but how is the universal Father Christmas Christmas only 'the parents’ territory' Seriously, it isn't appropriating him at all for the grandparents to say gifts came from him.

'I’d tell them it was very generous to get them the gifts, thank you, but please don’t do Father Christmas with them in the future. Tell them you’ve told the children it was actually them, not the real Father Christmas' I wouldn't appreciate DD telling me what you're saying to the OP. Probably cause an unnecessary row.

[Gutterton]

What’s the back story OP? I think that would allow others to see it through a particular lens.

[LightDrizzle]

sunshinesupermum - okay, so in your family your nana, uncle or other family who fancied a go got to do Father Christmas with you and your siblings in November, December or January, and it was fine, everyone was happy. However the “Universal Father Christmas Christmas” is remarkably consistent in a few elements, one of which is it occurs on Christmas Eve, except in extreme circumstances when he makes a special journey. This is reinforced in films, adverts, books, poems, schools. Despite your experience, in 49 years I’ve only known parents or primary carers (who could be grandparents of course) perform that role, and it is very commonly talked about as being such a short and precious time when it is still “magic”. Many people say that Christmas is never the same after you stop believing yourself until you have young children. Mine are well past that age but the memories for all of us are really sweet. I miss that, and if I have grandchildren I know my daughter, will be looking forward to doing her own traditions around it. Love me though she does, if I did my own version with her children without asking her, I’ve no doubt she’d ask me what the fuck I thought I was doing. Luckily I wouldn’t dream of it. I had my turn.
Also I remember the doubts I had when I got to around 6 or 7 because some school friends’ stocking presents were wrapped and mine weren’t, only those under the tree from people were wrapped. One girl’s stocking had wrapped presents that weren’t even from Father Christmas, they were from her family with labels! My mum managed to feed me some cover story and I hung on until I was 8, but Father Christmas popping into multiple houses for the same child in different months is a bit of a stretch beyond the age of about 3 or 4 I reckon.
Buying grandchildren gifts is (usually) lovely, redoing the whole Father Christmas thing in January without a peep to the parents is not normal.

[saraclara]

I'd say it's normal, loving behaviour. And actually very sweet.

Of course I can see why you're over-thinking, given the backstory, and I don't blame you for that. But I could definitely see my lovely PILs doing this for our kids back in the day.