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Original poster

20 year Age gap

105 replies

Emsie11 · 10/07/2019 19:48

Hi all I’ve recently met a guy who’s lovely and treats me so well but can a 20 year age gap work?

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 13/07/2019 22:04

Not ALL people need care. Why this obsession with care?

None of my relatives have needed care and they all lived to their 80s and 90s in their own homes.

Not everyone gets dementia- most drop dead from heart disease or after a short illness often cancer diagnosed late.

To suggest to the OP that she WILL be his carer is stupid.

Pinkarsedfly · 13/07/2019 22:43

anothernotherone

The low self-esteem I suffered with is what led me to spend twenty years with an arsehole first husband. He was three years older than me.

My fifteen years older second husband is the person who has built up my self esteem. I adore him. I know exactly what I’m worth now - thanks to him.

So you can shove your ageist generalisations right up your arse.

soapona · 13/07/2019 23:45

I wouldn't have a problem if his is rich without dependents and a nice man. Poor sorry but no way!

thatsnotmycateither · 13/07/2019 23:52

Ha yes my low self esteem led to my marriage to man two years younger than me. My realised self esteem led to me divorcing him, creating a great life and marrying my new man 26 years older than me.

To bust some more sterotypes ... at 73

He's working full time, happily
He's fitter than me
I have more long term health issues at 46
We have a great sex life - no viagara yet (much better than the husband in his 30s)

We have no generational issues apart from me talking about historical stuff and him having lived through it Grin

Oh and to buck the trend I earn more than him.

His hearing is getting slightly dodgy but my eye sight is worse

Yes that could all change soon (And I'm imagining some people on here rubbing their hands in glee) but I love him. I'd rather care for him than be without. And seeing so many relationships I'd rather have him and us for however long than many same age marriages.

It seems ageist comments are still accepted however...

It's about the individual not a stereotype

thatsnotmycateither · 13/07/2019 23:53

pinkarsedfly exactly!

Idlejane · 14/07/2019 01:36

I'm 42 and he's 62 - I would not recommend it. It was fine until maybe 10 years ago but the gap has become much more of an issue.

Lawnmowingsucks · 14/07/2019 05:51

I'm 57 and I couldn't date a 37 year old man. Not even just for sex and certainly not for a relationship. We'd have little in common and he's bound to want different things out of life than I do.

LauraMontreville · 15/07/2019 15:05

Not ALL people need care. Why this obsession withcare?

It's an MN thing. Somewhere around 50 all people start to lose their energy and enthusiasm for life. By their 60s they have lost most of their faculties and at 70 they dribbling constantly and in need of 24 hr care - preferably a much younger close to wipe their bum. Meanwhile, back in the real world...

Pinkarsedfly · 15/07/2019 18:31

LauraMontreville don’t forget the dementia that kicks in at around age 48...

MsTSwift · 16/07/2019 07:12

I think for me 10 years either way would be the absolute max. My parents friends were all intrepid and up for travel but less so after 70 can’t imagine being only 50 with a 70 year old.

It’s great for the older one though. Also abit Hmm that with the odd exception it usually is older man / younger woman not the other way round. Don’t see men queuing up to date women who could be their mothers do you?

anothernotherone · 16/07/2019 09:01

Pinkarsedfly and LauraMontreville you know that you're talking nonsense. I look at my parents in their 70s and think of how different they were in their 50s. In your late 40s to mid 60s you usually have a decade and a half or two decades of wonderful opportunity, at your peak in many ways and often free from caring responsibility for young children - the world is your oyster. Almost every slows down and begins to be limited by health niggles or bigger health issues at some point in their 70s.

The difference between 55 and 75 is exactly the reason a 20 year age gap is a terrible idea.

Zenithbear · 16/07/2019 09:39

I wouldn't. Energy levels, different stages of life etc would put me off. We're the same age and looking at early retirement and go on cruises. I wouldn't want someone who is in the middle of a demanding career, wanting to party hard still in 10 years. I would feel like I have to keep up (if partner was 20 years younger) or miss out on things (if 20 years older) .

Pinkarsedfly · 16/07/2019 09:40

anothernotherone

Gosh, you’re right.

*not really

anothernotherone · 16/07/2019 10:36

Pinkarsedfly the hyperbole just makes you sound a bit frenzied.

The op is in the very early stages of a relationship and has asked for opinions, people who have committed to marriage to a much older man don't all think it's rosey, as other posts show.

Distinct lack of female posters talking about their 20 years younger husband, obviously Hmm

Pinkarsedfly · 16/07/2019 10:40

Right enough, anothernotherone.

I think I’ll get on with my day. You have a nice one.

Original poster
Emsie11 · 17/07/2019 20:56

Thank you for all replies. I’ve had such bad relationships in past with guys of similar ages.
I’ve spent the last 3 years on my own wasn’t even looking to be honest I was just enjoying life, so this has kind of taken me by surprise

OP posts:
Grinchly · 17/07/2019 21:41

I can't think of any more horrific for my daughter, than her mum and dad being "old", needing care at the same time, and her having to navigate it all herself. At least by having an older DP, I will hopefully only leave her with me to worry about instead of both of us.

It Would be a bit rich to not want to care for my DP for 20 years, but expect my DD to care for us both for that amount of time.

A noble sentiment, and kudos for thinking this through. 16 years between my parents. Only child. Father early 50s when I was born in the mid 60s. Yes, she carried on for a bit, t then her own health issues prevented her carrying on caring. He went into care and I then took over all the rest. Both middle class professionals fit and healthy until their early 80 / 90s .

I have had nearly 20 years of PoA etc etc for them both sequentially and it's taken a massive toll .

No set up is ideal.

Grinchly · 17/07/2019 21:41

Sorry quote didn't work

teenagetantrums · 17/07/2019 21:48

I think if you happy go for it. My dp is 13 years older than me. At 65 got more engery than me to be honest. If you happy you are happy. Realistically l know l will probably outlive her but you never know what future holds.

MsTSwift · 18/07/2019 06:27

I don’t think pointing out that an older person is more likely to need care and to slow down is hugely outrageous or ageist - it’s a fact for the majority.

OhBcereus · 18/07/2019 07:05

We have a 15 year gap. It's never been an issue for us. It was more of an issue for his mum! I think she's accepted it now though since we're married with a child. My parents have a 17 year age gap. They wouldn't be without each other. I never got on with anyone of my own age. I found I didn't really have anything in common with them since I've always had an older head. If a relationship feels right and you're both happy then age is just a number! Good luck

MsTSwift · 18/07/2019 07:59

Any of these 15/17 year age gap relationships have the woman as the older one out of interest?

OhBcereus · 18/07/2019 09:38

@MsTSwift no, ours are both younger woman/older man. Not that I would find anything wrong with anyone who is older woman/younger man! It's all about how you are together. If you're happy as a couple it doesn't matter. I agree it's not outrageous to point out the older one is likely to need care. I'll be 65 when DH is 80. I fully accept that I will probably have to care for him in his old age but I wouldn't want it any other way. If we're both lucky enough to be still here at that point, I have made my marriage vows and I intend to stick to them. Nothing is guaranteed in life. I might become terminally ill and I would hope he would be there for me.

MarthasGinYard · 04/08/2019 08:38

'I'm 34, my husband is 57. Together 9 years. I had kids, he didn't want kids, worked out fine. We have discussed the age difference as he gets older, and we have already noticed how hard he finds holidays with the kids when they're constantly on the go. He gets tired whereas I'm running around like a mad woman. But, it works for us.'

Is this you op

As in another post you talk about your drug taking ex who has never met his Dd?

Opaljewel · 04/08/2019 09:37

I have a 20 year age gap relationship. Me and my o/h have been together for 13 years. We are currently trying for a baby. We work and live together. (Don't work in the same area but in the same office divided enough that I don't see him all the time) we spend time together and time apart. We've had our problems like any couple and worked through them. He is my soulmate, my lobster, love of my life and any other cliche, I'm still in love with him.

We argue like any couple but we get on amazingly well most of the time.
If you have a connection go for it. We did and it worked out for us.