20 year Age gap

[Emsie11]

Hi all I’ve recently met a guy who’s lovely and treats me so well but can a 20 year age gap work?

[JamieFraserskneewarmer]

Might work if you don't have children. I have a gap slightly smaller than that and the relationship was fantastic for over a decade. I am now stuck with an old man who is getting crabbier and lazier by the day, with whom I have nothing in common (aside from DC) and with the prospect of having to care for him in his dotage knowing that if I got ill, he would do b*gger all. Am stuck because of situation with children but now have to run my social life separately so have the worse situation of being married without a proper partner. Dreading going on family holiday because we will have to spend so much time in each other's company. When you are a relatively young 60 year old - he will be 80. Do you want to spend your later life as a carer?

[PurpleWithRed]

40 + active 60 is one thing; active 60 + relatively active 80 not so good; active 65 caring for 85 with dementia something else. Think hard.

[JoannaCuppa]

Large age gap between my parents and my mum is now my dads carer. Please think ahead. It’s just too much- don’t do it

Would it be better if they were the same age and both needed care at the same time? Perhaps from their children?

[JoannaCuppa]

I am so sad at how little "in sickness and in health" means to some posters here. They don't seem to want to care for their partners when health goes.

I wonder how these posters will feel if they need care when they are old? They don't want to be a carer but will no doubt accept care for themselves from.others younger than themselves. .

[LolaSmiles]

I am so sad at how little "in sickness and in health" means to some posters here. They don't seem to want to care for their partners when health goes
You're being a bit disingenuous there.

People aren't saying they wouldn t be willing to care for a partner in ill health.
They are pointing out that a 20 year age gap means almost inevitably spending your middle age as a carer, having fewer opportunuties to do other typically middle aged things and then spending your older years alone and not having the companionship.

Just like people when they are younger need to think about what they want from their partner (e.g. children, travel, house, lifestyle, to become a step parent, do thry want the same things in a similar timeframe, are they at different life stages etc), the same applies when considering a relationship with a substantial age gap.

[Grobagsforever]

Exactly @LolaSmiles.

Honestly I wish I could make you all understand how utterly shit being widowed Young is - it is MADNESS to voluntarily sign up for that. We DO NOT each have one soulmate in this world, there are relationships available with ppl your own age.

I met DH at 19, he died at 35. It's been 5 years and there still days I can't breath as the pain is so bad. Don't sign yourself up for this misery OP.

[Grobagsforever]

And no, the happiness we had wasn't worth the pain. Sorry but it wasn't. If you get into a relationship with a man 20 years your senior you are statistically likely to be widowed for at least 25 years of your life.

[allthegoodusernameshavegone]

My DH is 67 I’m 48 he’s the love of my life. Age is just a number

[MsTSwift]

Age is not just a number sadly.

I remember my friends lovely mum solemnly advising her dd and I never to do this. She had married a man 20 years older and spent years caring for him before he died. My parents and their friends all similar age have spent 60-70 ages having amazing life together.

[Aroundtheworldandback]

JoannaCuppa
“Would it be better if they were the same age and both needed care at the same time? Perhaps from their children?”

Yes, for them it would be a lot better, as it would not be one of them missing out on middle age by being a sole carer, then spending old age widowed and on their own. As their child it would be an honour to care for them both.

[MumApr18]

My partner is 20 years older than me and I'm genuinely so happy with him. One kid, another on the way. We are so incredibly well matched and, yes, I do worry for the future but he's fit, healthy and "young at heart". I think in every relationship there are worries. Yes, I'm worried that me and DCs may not have as much time with him as other families, but on the flip side, we are such a good couple that I don't worry about him cheating, or leaving, or having a gambling habit or addiction which other people may have to worry about. No relationship is 100% plain sailing.
I wouldn't let it put you off.

[MumApr18]

Also, to address some of the other points made by previous posters re caring for your partner in old age etc. Yes, I worry about this a lot - but I can deal with it because I love him and our relationship has given me so much, our kids, happiness, fulfilment and, not underestimating how hard caring for someone could be, I WANT to do it as he deserves it.

Without getting too soppy, it's a personal choice - some people are cut out for it, some aren't.

[MsTSwift]

I guess I was quite hard headed when dating and by my late twenties was looking for a husband to start a family with so would not even have begun a relationship with someone so much older. Turned down a date with an Australian as knew I didn’t want to go and live there or be married to someone pining to live there.

[JoannaCuppa]

@MumApr18 I totally agree with you. Not sure if it makes a difference that my career has been in nursing? I know how to care, know how much health can change at even a young age.

I am always surprised by the assumption that people wont need care until they are "old". And will definitely need it then. Yes there are certain trends in relation to age, but if people think they are protected from caring for their partners until the partner is old, they are dreaming.

I cant think of anything more horrific for my daughter, than her mum and dad being "old", needing care at the same time, and her having to navigate it all herself. At least by having an older DP, I will hopefully only leave her with me to worry about instead of both of us.

It Would be a bit rich to not want to care for my DP for 20 years, but expect my DD to care for us both for that amount of time.

[tunnocksreturns2019]

Grobags you are totally right 💔

So many years to miss my husband, so little understanding of how horrific it is. I’m so so lonely 😭😭

And yeah, I absolutely did the ‘in sickness and in health’ thing. End of life care on my own, no hospice space, no one to help and my little kids to look after too. I adored him.

[babbi]

Alex Salmond is 17 years older than himself....
Brilliant- that had to be the quote of the day

[tunnocksreturns2019]

Yes that is unequivocally true 😂

[anothernotherone]

The risk of becoming a nurse with a purse in ten to fifteen years is very high...

Men so rarely pair up with a woman 20 years older that the same isolated couple of examples always roll around, but older men feel entitled to younger women and younger women fall for the attention but end up caring for their partner at the same time as their parents...

I think that if one of you is old enough to be the other one's parent that's the line not to step over.

[MumApr18]

That's a bit of a sweeping generalisation @anothernotherone, is it not? I find it quite offensive that you can glibly say that my relationship is the result of me "falling for the attention" of a man. A very superficial, anti-feminist view - you're vastly off the mark.

[anothernotherone]

MumApr18 a 40 year old woman with a 60 year old man smacks of low self esteem to me - entitled man and woman who hasn't got the self respect to believe that she's worth more...

How many 70 year old men could keep up with a new 50 year old partner who they hadn't pulled down through 10+ years together?

It's a parent/offspring age gap.

[MumApr18]

@anothernotherone Again, your generalising.

[anothernotherone]

MumApr18 yes, obviously, it's a general question. There are exceptions to most things. Can 2 year olds read? No. In general, although there are occasional hot housed kids taught to read famliar words by pattern recognition and even rarer ones who genuinely read. Can dogs stay Holme alone for 12 hour work days no. It's usually a bad idea but the very occasional dog will be happy to sleep most of the time and use a dog flap to go to the toilet in the garden.

Pretty much no point asking generalised questions if generalised answers are banned. Obviously nothing to stop people also posting their exceptions - in fact most threads with general questions end up dominated by posters posting exceptions to the general rule, because people get more animated about exceptions or they make better anecdotes.

[5BlueHydrangea]

As usual lots of judgement on here. It's such a personal decision.
My dh is 27 years older than me. I don't have self esteem issues (as suggested above..)
We've been together 17 years and have a 10 year old. Dh is now in his early 70's and starting to age a bit but is still regularly at the gym and is pretty fit. Things aren't perfect but what relationships are?
The thought of caring for him is ok, in many ways he cares for me. We are a team. There are pros and cons of course but it works for us.

As an aside, I lost a good friend to cancer recently, 37 and left behind 4 young children. Nothing is promised. Enjoy life while you can.

[mumsey2be]

like raffles i a married to a man who s 20 years older than me. currently 15 weeks preg wth first kid. i am 40 he is 60 and we have been together 8 yers. He is very youthful and also an adult - true gent a wonderful partner. It really depends on each individual relationship and dynamic...

[JinglingHellsBells]

Really sickening to read the ageist comments here.

I'm early 60s and so is DH but he is always asked his age and looks 10 years younger.

Terribly insulting to say men age faster and are 'on the turn'. What about all the overweight and unfit women in their 30s and 40s?

It's also crazy to warn the OP that they might only have 15 years before she is his carer. My parents were together until their 90s and my dad only needed some care then.

Average life expectancy for men is early 80s.

None of us know how long we have got. Not being morbid OP but you could die from cancer or be run over by a bus before you were 50 and he could outlive you.

@Emsie11 Live for NOW not what might happen in a year to 20.

Friend of mine married an older man when she was 50-ish (first marriage) and he was 70s with grandchildren. Wonderfully happy.

Many people would rather have 10 years with the right man than 40 with someone they daren't leave or don't really love.