Have you ever used a Private Investigator to see if a partner was cheating?

[HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo]

And if so, how did you find a good one? And how much did it cost?

Asking for a friend. Honest!

No. It's one of those industries that 'feeds' itself.

People will usually only pay for a PI because they know, but want hard evidence. They feel they need hard evidence. So they hire a PI who follows them a bit, and gets photos of them going into a house. But that's not enough, because they could have been doing anything in there... it's not hard evidence. If that was enough, the person wouldn't have needed the PI in the first place.

Unless you have an exceptionally stupid cheating partner, they're not likely to get too involved in kissing/hugging/anything incriminating outside, so it's rare to get the type of sordid evidence usually seen in TV programmes. It's usually much more hearsay, much more "he was here but he wasn't supposed to be", "he took a long call in a layby before he got home".

If there's not enough evidence on his phone, or he's gone to the effort or burner phones, a PI isn't likely to get anything comprehensive.

Thanks! Anyone else?

Yes... well no actually. I explored the possibility when my H left me as I was sure there was an OW.
I googled and googled some more, spoke at length with one of the companies of what was and wasn't possible and decided that 1. It would cost too much money for little chance of any hard proof (he doesn't work in one place and due to the nature of his job it would be almost impossible to 'tail' him without him and his colleagues becoming suspicious). And 2. (The main reason) I took a long hard look in the mirror and decided that I was no longer going to be the paranoid, obsessive woman I had become, and I accepted that there probably was an OW but that I did not need to know as it would make no difference.
As it happens, a couple of months later I found out that there was an OW and I'm glad I didn't waste my money. I was also relieved that I wasn't paranoid/losing my mind for no reason!

Why on Earth?
Why waste your life and money on that.
If you(r friend) is unhappy - and can’t trust someone - it won’t help.
Even if the report comes back with nothing you won’t be happier. When something is off, it’s off.

David Addison & Jim Rockford were always busy.

I always think if you need to go to that extreme, it’s not worth bothering

If you're suspicious enough to consider this then you should the relationship regardless of whether your suspicions are correct or not. You aren't happy and secure - that's enough of a reason to end it surely.

My exils hired one to spy on me after chucking exh out.
Didn't find anything as I wasn't doing anything!
Few years later I remarried. Saw an odd man in a car hanging around outside, (turned out he was a debt collector in my area he said) . . As I went to my car he said my name. Omg I was creeped out. He was the PI from years before. Told me he knew I hadn't been cheating but that he had wanted to warn me about the family who had hired him!!
Wish he had!

I wanted to hire one in my early twenties when my then DH just up and left completely out of the blue with no explanation. In hindsight the PI was great and basically said would anything he found change the outcome? And when I said no, he said to save my money and move on. He was right and I bet he got calls like mine all the time.

I agree with all the, "If you're that unhappy, just end it" comments. But my friend is religious and it was a church wedding. The only "acceptable" reason for ending a Christian marriage, apparently, is infidelity. Anything else like just being suspicious because he's a slimy weasel, for example will send you to Hell.

So she thinks that with real proof she can sail away with her head held high in this life and the next. But without it, she doesn't know if she's just being insecure.

How much are PIs? She's pretty skint.

In hindsight the PI was great and basically said would anything he found change the outcome? And when I said no, he said to save my money and move on.

I love this! (Sorry about your DH, though. Did you ever find out why he left?)

If you're suspicious enough to consider this then you should the relationship regardless of whether your suspicions are correct or not. You aren't happy and secure - that's enough of a reason to end it surely.

Completely agree, but please see my post about religion, above. I know that few people believe in it these days, but she really does.

No but I wish I had. In my twenties I had an absolute wanker of a boyfriend who was abusive and I just didn't realise it. I'm sure he was cheating. I wish I'd had proof of that to help me make the decision to leave, one way or another I needed to be out of that relationship.

@Fantasisa I have no idea why but I imagine your PI's comment in Ted Hastings voice!

Mother of God, he's a bent DH!

Count yourself lucky that you are out of it, fella.

OP, no I never found out. He was DP not DH (my mistake in my previous post) and it was pre social media so he just disappeared back to where his family was - two hours away. We had rented a house together for three years and been together for seven years. I think the not knowing hurt the most but I couldn't make him give me answers.

@Fantasisa I think I love you 😂

Perhaps all relationship advice should be given in a Ted Hastings voice.

Can yourself or another friend do it rather then hire someone?

@Fantasisa I wonder if he would want the PI to be at last on rank superior.

OP I know it's horrid having that dread feeling and no proof so you wonder if you're mad but this level of anxiety is so bad for you. I hope you find a way to be happy

at least one

Typo. I'll be spelling definitely wrong next.

Typo. I'll be spelling definitely wrong next.

😂

I don’t think you should humour her in any of this. Either hiring a PI or believing Christian Marriage cannot be ended.

If she doesn’t trust him she cannot stay with him. She should believe in herself and what she knows to be true.

no, never and wont

Had she considered using an online honey trapper? Probably a bit cheaper (can’t vouch for any as I haven’t used any)

Thanks Joey. Do such things exist?!

I think she's more concerned that he likes someone (a colleague) in particular rather than just anyone/everyone. But again, I think he's a bit of a sleazy git so it's possible.

He's not the brightest bulb so he's bound to mess up sooner or later. I've told my friend to save the money and put it towards a divorce when he does eventually "sin".

Thanks everyone for their help.