Dating thread 159 - Should I Stay or Should I Go Now

[DaffoDeffo]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.
11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

[Notcoolmum]

Oh coco it's the same here. The age old issue is still there. Most of the time things seem so good I can ignore it but then it reads its head. And I know I deserve a man who is in this with me. Not hedging his bets on the sidelines.

We were supposed to see each other tomorrow but I've said I'm not sure I want to. No night or morning texts from him. I think I need to walk away. I'll take the weekend to think.

Oh dear ant difficult if it is just you and she is still really into you. Perhaps things will change back?

[Notcoolmum]

shitwith it's the feeling he's not really in this. He has been amazing in loads of ways but there are some red flags. And I can see I've chosen to ignore those and just see the good stuff.

[WarIsPeace]

Interesting couple of days for me.
As predicted, the L-bomb was dropped and I failed to hide my lack of surprise, he didn't seem to mind that I didn't say it back (he knows I wouldn't feel obliged)
Just realising really that I was looking for casual dating and seem to have won a rather devoted boyfriend we've not even farted in front of each other yet
But going to go with the flow.
Will need to think about the grown up stuff re exes and children etc at some point

[Eesha]

@Notcoolmum do you have examples of these red flags? He seemed so lovely for you.

@ant330 sorry to hear this but everyone feels naff when ill so maybe that is clouding your judgement a bit. You also seemed smitten just last week.

[Chocolate123]

@Notcoolmum I've been where you are there were loads of green flags and I went with it ignored the few niggly doubts. I was more invested than he was looking back now I should have listened to the doubt. I think though in the modern world of OLD when we meet someone we click with we focus on the positive as there as so many negative experiences.

[HairyArsedMan]

@vwman That's very brave putting your profile on plain view here. I think you haven't given much of yourself out in that profile and I'm sufficiently long in the tooth to recognise that even the jokes (like the divorce/buy a house for a woman I hate one) aren't original material.

It's a pleasure to come across a quippy, hilarious profile (see @JeSuisPrest for an example) but it's not easy to do, so I would say to get the basics out first about yourself and what you are looking for. You may be aided in this on Bumble as you really can't write that much with the character limits.

[Notcoolmum]

warispeace are you not feeling the L thing. Or are you taking your time?

shitwith and chocolate it's a few things. The latest being him not feeling comfortable to sleep over here. My kids are teens. They don't mind. It smacks of him backing away from a commitment to me. I don't want to be taken for a fool. It wouldn't be the first time.

[Eesha]

@vwman I think your profile needs to be simpler, not overly jokey, as I think a lot of women would just switch off pretty early. I much prefer honest and open plus the odd quip here and there.

[WarIsPeace]

@Notcoolmum I'm not running away screaming, I'm just not one for rushing. It's definitely got potential.
I don't think I've ever said /felt it this early, it takes me a while to let my guard down properly. Iykwim. IMHO you can go out with anyone for 3 months before you even know whether it's a no hoper or not...

[Chocolate123]

@Notcoolmum does he have kids? Have you asked him about why he feels uncomfortable? If he's in it for long term surely he can't expect you to stay with him all the time.

[Meanderer]

Hello everyone, I'm new to these threads 🙂 2.5 years single, ambivalent about dating, but in my late 40s and feel life passing me by - I want to meet someone special before my joints get too creaky for all that spectacular early days sex 😆 ...and before my teenage daughter leaves home, and thus me completely bereft 😭 - I am totally clueless about OLD so really appreciate you all being here.

[lifegoes]

@Notcoolmum I would give yourself some time but then talk to him about it. I would imagine at this point he'll feel you pulling away and maybe unsure why or what he's done.

I would feel uncomfortable staying over at someone's house, if the kids were there regardless of age. ESP until after I felt comfortable around them all the time etc.

[Sunshineandflipflops]

Ant I'm sorry to hear you may be falling off the smitten bench.

From the other perspective, I was seeing someone last year and i wasn't sure about him at first but he was keen so i let it grow. He started talking about nights/weekends away very early on and even asked me if he could come to a festival this summer with me. I said that it was early days and the festival was a long way off but he was adamant we would still be together and he would like me to get him a ticket, so I did. About a week alter he came round and told me he thought the 'spark' had gone and ended things.

I was angry with him for leading me on (which is exactly how it felt) and a bit angry with myself for letting him but massive lesson learned on my part.

I don't know what my point is really, other than it's easy to jump in head first when you meet someone you like but those first few week feelings aren't sustainable. It doesn't mean things can't develop but it's also the time when you realise that once the initial excitement his wearing off, this person may just not be for you long term.

[Sunshineandflipflops]

I hadn't given him the ticket by the way and have since sold it to a friend and am going with my kids and friends instead!

[Sunshineandflipflops]

I'm now two months in with MrSAS and although I like him a lot, I am very wary of being too open with my feelings at this point, just in case once the butterflies stage wears off, we are not for each other.

[Ant330]

Chocolate I think you've perfectly explained where I'm at currently. I think I may have been so excited that I'd met somebody I clicked with, and so soon after starting OLD, that I ignored a few things.
I do think feeling a bit crappy has probably lead to me feeling less patient towards certain things but that initial excitement that masks those potential niggles has now faded.
They're not going away in my opinion but I'll hold off on making a decision until I see her again. Also if I'm going to end it then it should be in person.
I have plenty of thinking time today though, I'm currently on a 5hr round trip on the train when I'd much rather be tucked up in bed with a Lemsip. Somebody pass me a tiny violin 🤣

[Notcoolmum]

warispeace I think I tend to get carried away. So good for you.

Yes lifegoes and chocolate he has kids. But I've not met them and in fact they don't know I exist. He's spent time with my kids and they like him and are comfortable with him around. If they aren't then I'd ask him to leave and I haven't invited him in in the past when I know my son is a bit tetchy and not up for guests.

I think the long term point is the nub of it. I feel like he's telling me he isn't in it for the long haul by not staying over. Maybe I'm rushing things. It's been 5 months. 4 exclusive and 3 since we had a wobble and broke up for a week.

[Sunshineandflipflops]

I agree that when we are feeling under par we tend to over think things and can catastrophise things in our head. I thin you're right in waiting until you feel a bit better and you see her. Just don't lead her on if you think things may be coming to an end.

[Ant330]

Sunshine your post has made me feel even more guilty
To be fair yes I've talked about a weekend away but that was so we could spend more than 24 hours together and see if we still got on. We did that over the bank holiday so that had been put on hold until she could organise time off.
She's been talking about holidays which I haven't given any commitment on, so I've tried to be careful not to over commit.
But you're right it's easy to jump in head first! Do you come across as emotionally unavailable if you hold back though?
Probably a middle ground somewhere, lesson learned.

[Sunshineandflipflops]

@Notcoolmum Sorry, I get confused with different people on here but how old are his children? I think it's a bigger thing telling younger children about a new partner. I have been seeing Mr SAS 2 months and wouldn't dream of telling my kids yet but his know about me because they are older teens and able to understand the concept of dating.

I have to say, I'm not sure I would feel all that comfortable staying over at someone's house with their kids there unless I was in for the long haul as that for me takes things from dating to getting involved and invested in someone's family so maybe your gut instincts are right.

[Sunshineandflipflops]

@Ant 330, I'm sorry, I didn't intent to make you feel guilty! Yes, I agree that you need to allow yourself to get to know someone and you can't do that if you are holding too much back. I think this middle ground, although difficult to master, is important. Maybe not planning too far ahead in the early days and being honest about that.

I have been taking things one date at a time and although we have said we'd like to do a city break later in the summer, I am not invested in this idea and we haven't planned anything yet so I think it will have to be fairly last minute if we do it!

Have you asked her how she is feeling things are going between you?

[lifegoes]

@Notcoolmum you may be right, you've had doubts for awhile. But after following your story for awhile. Im also thinking are you just looking for something.

I personally wouldn't take that him not staying over as him not in it for the long haul. If I remember correctly he's not long been out his marriage has he (or am I confusing this)

Even if I got on with his kids, I'd actually feel awkward staying at someone's house with teenage kids there so early on. It would at least take me a lot to feel it's ok. (That's me personally tho).

I would def speak to him face to face. You'll get everything by his reaction. Text is so easy to bluff or read more in to it.

Hope that helps