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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it ok to keep this from my family?

29 replies

Blondie870 · 04/10/2018 19:42

I'm really embarrassed to say that the other night, the police were called to a domestic row between me and my partner. An allegation of violence was made by a passerby that was completely untrue. I explained this to the police, they seemed very happy that there was no threat and no action was taken. They even said that this was very low level and that there's nothing here. I'm now just feeling really guilty as this is on our "local" police records. What is either of us needs an enhanced DBS for teaching U18s? They are able to disclose local records if they believe it to be relevant. I also feel awful because we have both agreed not to tell our parents, which I think is fair given the fact that it's personal to us both with no action taken, but it's eating away at me and I feel that my family would no longer love me if they knew. It was just a bad shouting row that unfortunately got police involvement. Please let me know it's going to be ok :(

OP posts:
PickAChew · 04/10/2018 19:44

Why would your family no longer love you? That would be extremely fickle of them.

ScarlettDarling · 04/10/2018 19:45

Your family would never stop loving you over this. You've built this up into something huge in your mind when really it's not. No action was taken by the police, you won't have a record and you don't have to disclose anything. Try to move on and forget about it.

Wolfiefan · 04/10/2018 19:45

A shouting row in public that was so bad the police were called? I would be speaking to family and seriously rethinking this relationship.

Original poster
Blondie870 · 04/10/2018 19:46

Thank you. I should probably add that the policeman said it wouldn't affect the DBS but surely an allegation, even if not followed up, if violence, would show up on an enhanced DBS where police can disclose local info?

OP posts:
poglets · 04/10/2018 19:49

Unless either of you you were cautioned or prosecuted, why would this show up?

poglets · 04/10/2018 19:49

Convicted, rather than prosecuted that should have said.

TheDarkPassenger · 04/10/2018 19:49

You sound very anxious.. do you have anxiety or is the row triggering it?

The police told you it wouldn’t come up on your dbs and you don’t believe them? Why?

Original poster
Blondie870 · 04/10/2018 19:50

Poglet - because they can disclose local info (not convictions) that they consider relevant to a DBS application.

OP posts:
Sinkingswimmer · 04/10/2018 19:53

Please don't worry, your family will love you regardless, or at least they should, and there's no reason for them to find out anyway. With regards to any DBS check, it won't show unless either of you received a caution or were convicted, which didn't happen. No one need know unless you tell them.

Wolfiefan · 04/10/2018 19:54

You’re really focussing on the wrong thing here. Whole situation sounds toxic.

Fashionista101 · 04/10/2018 20:11

@Wolfiefan it wasn't in public I don't think

Wolfiefan · 04/10/2018 20:17

Allegation made by a passerby.
Either it was an almighty screaming row or in public.
Either way it’s not normal or healthy.

Original poster
Blondie870 · 04/10/2018 20:18

Sorry, it was from our flat but the window was open hence the passerby noticing. So private.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 04/10/2018 20:39

It must have been some fight for them to call the police. Sounds awful.

category12 · 04/10/2018 20:48

Was it you the passer-by thought was being violent?

Do you often have these kinds of rows?

Original poster
Blondie870 · 04/10/2018 20:50

No. The caller apparently said that one of us was being "dangled" over the balcony (completely untrue) and when I explained that this was definitely not the case, the police were happy that all was well from their point of view and left without any further action. Screwed up I know. We are both just so worried that this local record will be a hindrance in the future, although absolutely no action was taken further by the police (no arrests or anything).

OP posts:
ArrivisteRevolt · 04/10/2018 20:57

Are you OK? Your self-esteem sounds so low - that’s a lot more of a worry than the Police thing. Your family LOVE you. There is no way they would stop, and they would be hurt if they knew you thought their love for you was that flimsy. Have you told anyone? It sounds like you need to talk it out.

Thatstheendofmytether · 04/10/2018 20:59

Someone mistakenly thought one of you was being dangled over the balcony?!

Wolfiefan · 04/10/2018 21:03

What’s “screwed up” is any relationship that would lead a passer by to think that could be happening.

DonkeyPlease · 04/10/2018 21:10

There's something very wrong with this situation. Your emotions and fears are screaming at you as well. I encourage you to look closely at your relationship...

ArrivisteRevolt · 04/10/2018 21:28

Do you have anyone else you could talk to? Just to get some perspective?

Nesssie · 04/10/2018 21:34

Jesus people need to get a grip. Both the people involved and the police all agree there was no threat, yet strangers on the internet seem to think they know better.

It’s wont come up in a Dbs check as no crime was committed, no one was cautioned etc
You don’t need to tell your parents as it was just an understanding. But if you did tell them, of course they won’t stop loving you!

Everything is ok, no harm was done. Maybe shut the windows if you are going to have a steaming row next time though.

Wolfiefan · 04/10/2018 22:43

I’m assuming you mean screaming row? That’s not generally how grown ups communicate and I find it quite disturbing that the OP seems to think it’s the norm.

ArrivisteRevolt · 04/10/2018 23:07

OP, why do you think the person who called the police made a mistake?

dirtybadger · 04/10/2018 23:14

You don't have to tell your parents anything. You had an argument with your DP. If it is exactly as you've mentioned then maybe in the long term it would be worth mentioning to a family member or friend that you are having some relationship issues, struggling to communicate effectively, etc. But the police thing is almost irrelevant if it was a case of someone passing by and mistaking a shadow or whatever for a person (in the context of what was presumably a loud argument).
If you can't trust them to support you, then no don't tell them anything. Seek help from elsewhere. It isn't their business.

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