Parenting marriages

[passthecremeeggs]

Anyone in one? For those that don't know the term - it's where the couple stay together for the children but all the relationship expectations are put aside permanently and the parents live together, but essentially separately. It's supposedly best suited for couples who have grown apart but are still friends so can maintain a peaceful co-parenting existence from the same house with separate bedrooms etc.

I ask because it's something that's being suggested to me by DH. Our marriage has suffered massively but we do co-parent our children well and we are basically still good friends. Interested to know if anyone else is in a situation like this, whether by design or even by accident!

OP, you are in a vulnerable place, and I agree, Offred is not being fair.

We all have our problems, and no marriage is going to fit in the perfect MN ideal.

You have to have a good long think about this and what you want and if you can be happy in your marriage. I do feel for you, you are trying to protect the family unit and your DC.

Good luck xxx

I’m more concerned about the DC than what makes the parents feel better.

I’m not going to apologise for that.

Staying together ‘for the kids’ is always about the parents and not the kids and it gifts the DC not only problems forming healthy relationships as adults but guilt that they were responsible for what happened.

By all means decide what you want to do about your relationship but don’t make your children into an excuse for your choices.

Offred, you probably should apologise. You were I necessarily rude. And it’s sweet to be concerned for the OPs children but she started this thread for advice and support.

Op if you see this, please come back.

Bad idea.

My parents did it. They then separated when all kids were grown up. Those years they stayed together were awful, then when it came to divorce it was awful because we were adults and were expected to deal with it as such, which included knowing all the details. If they had just stepped up and did the honourable thing when we were kids, we would have had a very different and much better life. Sitting on the time bomb of ‘when are they going to quit’ when you’re 6 years old is not fun.

i don't think separation gets easier to bear for kids as you get older - and i agree, you're signing yourself up for more heartache as he moves on and you don't.

It'd be better to separate whilst you still think he's a decent man and you can be amicably divorced - so many people leave it until they hate the sight of each other and everything about them and/or there is deceit thrown into the mix.

I'm sad for you op, it's nobody's dream when life works out this way, come back.

I don't know about damaging DCs, my in laws have a parenting marriage, no physical touch at all, and precious little obvious emotions. My wife is modelling this and has said it is "normal". She seems happy, hasn't said otherwise when I've talked about it and doesn't raise it as an issue. Would I be wrong to think she isn't telling the truth? I don't know.

Either way, there is no animosity between us, I don't like what it is teaching our DCs, but is it worse than being a NRP? Again I don't know and have no way to tell.

I do admit it is selfish and in my interests to keep the parenting marriage going though, emotionally (at present), financially and morally too.

OP, if you're still reading, there is no "proper" marriage, it's what ever makes you feel happiest and is full of compromises. Selfishness is part of that, and not automatically a bad thing.

sounds utterly depressing.

Thanks for the messages of support - I have read them and am thinking hard.

What people are missing on this thread is that often doing what is best for the parent 'for the time being' is often also best for the children! As I said up thread, I would suffer terribly with anxiety should DH and I have to co-parent in seperate houses whilst they are so very young. Sometimes waiting a couple of years, getting things together, preparing yourself emotionally and finances is a better outcome for all involved. I don't see a parenting marriage working long term, but for a short time, do it if it feels the.more comfortable option.
And by the way, I am a child of a parenting marriage.... I didn't get the best role models for relationships, but I really can see that both parents and us children were less vulnerable with them staying together. They seperated when my DB and I left home and they both became extremely vulnerable as a result and very depressed due to the upheaval and all of the sorting out of everything. My DM went completely off the rails. I'm glad they stayed together and never thought I'd say that.

Honestly, I don't think it can ever work. You and DH both need the chance to be happy and free in other relationships. You're essentially putting your lives on hold until your kids are old enough to leave home. Also, if like you say, you do end up with other serious partners, your kids will have to find out about it. How will you explain this situation along with the fact that you and DH are still living together? It seems to me like you'd be living a lie to your children which can't be good for them. Even if you aren't 'living a lie' (for want of a better phrase) and are honest with them about your arrangement, it runs the risk of messing them up. It isn't a normal scenario and it doesn't teach them how normal relationships/families work.

I also worry, based on what you say, that you won't cope if DH meets another woman. It can only lead to heart ache. Is your DH adamant that there's no fixing the marriage? Have you discussed marriage counselling? If he's certain, then I think it's best for you and your entire family in the long run if you go our separate ways. Good luck OP

I can't really see how such a parenting marriage could work out well. I think it would be better to use your good shared intentions and amicable relationship to forge a decent separation. I think children are most upset by the hostilities between their parents than by anything else in a divorce. It sounds like you could avoid the nastiness.

If you want to avoid shuttling the children around, then you buy the smallest possible family home ( 2bed flat/ 2 bed terrace, children share) and a studio flat for each parent (or rent a room-depends how much money you have and how much you want to spare your children the shuttling) . The children always remain in their home and the parents have the disruption of coming and going to take care of the children.

How could you possibly keep new relationships secret from your children? One of you would understandably need to discuss what's going on with a friend, who would 'discuss' with another friend etc. One of you would be seen out on a date...At best, other adults would know all about your situation and your poor children would be the last to find out.

If you still love him, and would prefer to be in a traditional marriage I think you would be setting yourself up for utter heartbreak and misery. And you would have 'no right to complain because this is what you agreed...' No ability to move on, because you live with your husband who is causing such deep unhappiness.
Honestly, it would be heel on earth, and you simply cannot hide that level of unhappiness from your DC,
If the marriage is unfixable, then split and move on ... by all means co-parent amicably, but from separate establishments ..

Hi passthecremeeggs
I know this thread is from a while ago but I just wondered if you managed to get the ‘parenting marriage’ to work for you?
In a similar situation and not sure if it’s worth giving it a go. Thanks

OP - I think the 'parenting' marriage aspects might work but once you add in the 'other relationships kept outside of the home' aspect with you still wanting the 'full' marriage its got heartbreak written all over it.

I am separated and went on a couple of dates with someone who described himself as polyamorous. He was in effect still very much married in the kind of relationship you're describing. Twenty minute into the second date when the full scope of his continuing marriage became clear (ie everything but sex/kissing with tongues) I made my excuses and left. You are not going to have your pick of decent lovers in this position. Even people who are not exactly looking for marriage, draw the line at ranking below the cat in someone's life. Hook ups might not be bothered but is that really going to make up for the massive compromise you're considering making in your marriage?

OP I’m in this sort of set up. DH and I cannot afford to divorce without taking DC out of the private school they are both thriving in, we are both absolutely resolute that their education takes priority over everything else.

DH of course has his faults, as do I, however he is a good father and does his share of the housework and childcare. I’m the main breadwinner, he has been unemployed for a year which means he’s picked up all the slack of home learning during lockdown and now does school runs and holiday childcare leaving me free to focus on work. I work long hours and when we do go back to the office, couldn’t do the hours I need to without him helping with DC.

We sleep in separate bedrooms, socialise separately and have discussed opening the marriage which we are both agreed on, that if it happens, should be done so discreetly. I honestly have no emotional connection beyond a friendship and would not be upset if he started dating, provided it was kept outside of the home so as not to confuse the DC.

It’s working OK for us. We rarely argue as given our relationship is essentially over, there isn’t really much to argue over. I do worry the DC think it’s normal for parents to sleep in separate rooms, but I’ll take that rather than splitting up the home, taking them out of school and shuffling them between two different homes at weekends. They are happy, well balanced children, doing brilliantly at school, excelling at sports and popular with their peers. It’s working well for us at the moment.

Thanks both for your replies. Just good to get different points of view

Your husband has told you it’s over, it’s time to move on. Please don’t be a martyr for your children.

If your children are young, you have well over a decade of living like this. I don't think it is workable, especially as you want the marriage to work out.

If you don't want the children to move between homes, could you make a nesting arrangement work? The kids stay in the family home,
you and Dh have your own separate places (which could be single bed flats) and you each move to the family home when it is your time to look after the kids.