Has anyone been disowned by their parents? How do you cope?

[frostythesnowdog]

I finally challenged mine on the car crash that was my childhood - appalling sexual boundaries, turning a blind eye to abuse.

General neglect.

In return they've denied it all and tried to tell my extended family that I'm mad/a fantasist - even though I have people who can corroborate the things I've said.

Now, they're clearly all crackers and I'm better off with out them.

But it hurts. It's really, really hurting me that they'd rather disown me and my children than admit to any of the things we all know they did.

Happy Christmas.

I was taken aback at first, but then relieved...said parent is a liability and did me a favour by disowning me

my parents have a very dysfunctional relationship. It's quite sad really as he had a very dysfunctional upbringing and she, I think, has mental health issues. But I appear to be the family scapegoat so I've had to step away. They came to visit and ended up storming out and running back to Australia. That was a year and a half ago and I've just had the odd abusive contact since. I've asked them to go to counselling but they are in denial.

Anyhow I sympathise OP. It's very hard around this time of year. I want a loving family but mine is too damaged. I've built my own family now and we are happy. You can only control how you react to their behaviour OP but there is no way to get them to behave. You can get through it but it involves grieving for the family that you should have had. It's a rubbish situation to be in but many people have families that let them down for whatever reason. x

Hi @frostythesnowdog I’m in a very similar position to you. It hurts, it sucks. Honestly I think my parents (and yours) must be bat shit crazy. Can’t understand how they can disown their own child. They are far from normal! Not got time to read the whole thread right now but will come back and read later. Just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re having a hard time and reassure you that you’re not the only one in this position.

Interested to read you’ve tried therapy, do you find it useful? What sort have you tried?

I was disowned by my dad after my mum died - he didn't approve of the boyfriend I had at the time, and said that I had to choose between my boyfriend and my family. I didn't have a bad upbringing, but my dad was a very strict catholic and he got worse when my mum died (I was 23). So I left - I didn't think that parents should force their kids to make decisions like that.

The relationship with my boyfriend ended a few years later but I didn't go back - the longer I was away the harder I found it to go back and eat humble pie. So I stayed away. When I was 34 I got a letter from my brother saying my dad was terminally ill in hospital. I dropped everything and went to see him. We didn't talk about the past, but he was pleased to see me; he'd been hanging on hoping I would come home, and I was there when he died 48 hours later.

Since his death I have realised that I started to grieve the minute I walked out the door - so when he died it hurt, but I was ok. I also realised that parents make mistakes; they are just muddling along like the rest of us, sometimes they are stubborn, and sometimes they are just from a completely different generation and unable to empathise with situations that we find ourselves in. Most of all, I realised that I couldn't change the past, no matter how much I wished, and that the only way to look, was forward, to my future.

I haven't seen my parents for four years, at least. It's hard, and sad, but also such a relief. They are awful people: abusive, full of blame and anger. My life is definitely easier without them in it.

I found it helpful to remember their bad behaviours rather than wondering why they were so determined to blame me. CBT was very helpful here: every time I found myself dwelling on the negative things, I learned to switch my thoughts to more productive ones.

And then there's therapy. I was sent to a really good therapist through the NHS, and she changed my life.

I hope you start to feel a lot, lot better, OP. You deserve happiness and love. Everyone does. Your parents are not going to give them to you, and your life will be better without them.

My baby, thank you, although I'm sorry to hear of your experiences as well. I had private therapy with an experienced trauma therapist (BACP/UKCP registered), it's really helped.

The rest takes time, I think. It's a miracle I'm not mad after everything that's happened.

Chockaholic, I'm sorry you went through that too. But well done on manahing to see him again, that's a very brave ending.

OnTheRise, I'm sorry to hear of your experiences as well. It's the blame that's so hard. So much blame that it all gets internalised. I can see that's what they do and my therapist is really good at helping me to see that.

It's just sad. It's all really sad.