MIL only interested in LO..

[LouMary5678]

I've just had a DD, who is now 4 months. MIL will text me every morning to ask for updates on baby. All texts seem to go this way, "how is she?" "How is the baby?" "Did LO sleep well?" Etc etc. There has never been a message asking me how I am or what I've been up to etc. All our conversations centre around DD. Before she was born, we had a great relationship and got on very well but it all feels a bit strange at the moment as I'm taking it slightly offensively to the fact she doesn't show any interest in me whatsoever. Even when she comes to visit, I will be talking to her about something not baby related and she will interrupt and talk over me to the baby, cooing at him which I find terribly rude. This will happen the whole time she's here. I really want to say something but I think I may be being a bit sensitive about this hence why I am asking for other opinions. TIA!

[venellopevonschweetz]

I will be talking to her about something not baby related and she will interrupt and talk over me to the baby, cooing at him which I find terribly rude.

Mine still does this now and DS is almost 10 (not coping obviously but same principal!)

I visit only when essential and leave the visiting and taking DS to see them to DH.

I found spending less time around the PILs made our relationship better and life less stressful because behaviour like this drove nuts.

[pictish]

Yes, I understand that grandparents will become focused and besotted on the new arrival and continue on to prioritise their relationship with their grandchildren....that's fine and expected. What I don't hold sway with is that it's an excuse for poor manners. The presence of a little one does not negate their obligation to treat the baby's mother with respect as they would anyone else. They wouldn't interrupt someone else mid-flow to make gushy noises at the baby while completely ignoring the fact that they were saying something because that would be rude as fuck and well they know it.

The mum does not become persona non grata when baby arrives ffs...she is still afforded the same level of regard as anyone else...and that includes not ignoring or interrupting her. It's basic.

[namechange2222]

I think you have to accept you are in MIL's life solely because you are married to her son. Her GC is part of her son, she is biologically related to her GD and loves her as such. She may like you, you may 'get on' but she doesn't love you in the same way and never will. Does this really hurt you? Can you not just allow your MIL to enjoy being a Grandma?

[lilybookins]

Oh for goodness sake this is so normal when baby is first born. I wouldn’t (and wasn’t) remotely offended or upset. Just be glad you have in laws that clearly adore your child and will always be there for them. So many people aren’t so lucky. Your mother in law would probably be mortified if she knew you were annoyed with her over something so ridiculous

[ItMustBeBedtimeSurely]

This really isn't normal. Being besotted with the baby, sure, but at the expense of all normal social interactions with your Dil? No.

I'd only reply to every other text, at most.

[MadMags]

pictish of course it shouldn't negate basic manners.

I just wouldn't be hurt at the realisation that I wasn't cared about as much. There's a pecking order for some people is all.

[GummyGoddess]

If it's normal then no wonder there's so many horrible mil threads! I used to be so smug thinking we had a good relationship, now I identify with many of the threads. For those mothers of sons that think it's normal, please take note that you will alienate your dil and probably your son if you behave like this. I would never do this to a future dil, asking how they are and not ignoring them doesn't require that much effort.

[Cricrichan]

This wouldn't bother me. In fact it probably wouldn't even register with me.

[BertrandRussell]

Yes, obviously there needs to be good manners. And I think the OP should say something jokey to remind her MIL . And if after a reminder, she keeps getting ignored then maybe it's time for a more explicit word. But the baby obsession is perfectly normal.

[ifcatscouldtalk]

Yes she's besotted but I get where your coming from.
My MIL excelled at this sort of thing. Looking back I think bless, she was over the moon, but in my sleep deprived, my life has changed forever state she grated big time.
One that sticks in my mind was after a particularly bad night, the phone ringing at silly o clock so she could catch me before I went out. No hello, we we were straight onto "So, how's my baby today?". Another classic "When are you going back to work? I can't wait, I'm going to enjoy her so much." Err lovely, but can we have this conversation after my stitches have come out.
Even other relatives gave my house a miss if she was visiting as she was the full time baby hogger.
Honestly I never thought she'd ease off, but she did. I think that if you got on with MIL before then you will do again.
Over the years MIL has told me loads about her family when she was growing up. I don't think she got much affection and her parents weren't that interested in her kids so I think that's why she went completely the other way.
It's really early days but maybe get your husband/partner to do some of the texts updates with her.
If she's genuinely been a good person/MIL it'll settle down.
Sorry I have waffled on a bit there!

[everyonesgotanopinion]

I had this 20 years ago when my first DD was born. Before her arrival MIL and myself and a lovely relationship/friendship. Post baby I felt she tried to turn mothering into a competition. Our relationship was forever changed and to be honest it was tense between her and I. Now, because the DC are older and can make their own arrangements to see granny, I let them get on with it. I’m pleasant for the sake of family relations but we both know that there’s not much love lost. Take it day by day, your situation may settle down and try not to see you mil as any kind of threat to you as a new mum. It just amazes me that as more mature women some new grandmothers can’t see what’s going on and be a bit more tactful! Good luck 😊

[GummyGoddess]

Baby obsession is what I expected, I'm obsessed with him so naturally I expected the entire family to be. I just didn't expect that I was now to be criticised constantly and ignored unless dh is around.

I think I kind of thought our relationship would remain good, I'd have them around every week to see them and them to see dc and we'd have a lovely time. Due to the criticism they very rarely get invited over unless dh is there and he feels he can deal with it as he agrees that they aren't being nice to me as they were before. Bil also agrees with me so I don't think it's me being ridiculous if their own children think it's out of order.

[BertramTheWalrus]

It's normal for the baby to be at the centre of social encounters and this will go on for a long time - years. It's plain rude to no longer show any interest in your DIL at all though. You've just had a baby after all, she could ask how you're coping with the sleep deprivation, if you're struggling with anything etc. Surely that's just decent behaviour, of course you're not expecting her to be as besotted with you as she is with the baby!
I'd try and get the point across by talking about yourself more. Start a sentence with "as for me...."
Why can't she text your DH too? Does she assume he doesn't have a clue?

[Cricrichan]

That's different. Being criticized is something else.

[BertramTheWalrus]

Post baby I felt she tried to turn mothering into a competition.

Tbh I think this is often as much to do with the new mum's insecurity as with the MIL's behaviour. I have seen in myself and in many of my friends' attitudes that it's the mum of the baby in question who's competitive, not the grandmother.

[namechange2222]

You didn't mention criticism in your original post!

[GummyGoddess]

I'm not the original poster, though I fear I've hijacked her thread, I'm sorry! I just find it upsetting and got carried away with trying to find out why it's happened.

[MadMags]

Maybe start your own thread about your situation? It doesn't sound the same as OP's.

[GummyGoddess]

Thanks, but I don't think I'm going to get any answers, will leave this thread alone now though, sorry op!

[Animation86]

Meh my MIL became the same.
Literally gives no fucks and 8 years later its easy to feel like I was an incubator for her.
Its a relationship with me that she chose not to have and to be honest I dont want to invest time in someone who does want to invest time in me either, so its no biggie now

[Handsfull13]

My dad did this to me during my pregnancy and post birth. Always asking how his boys were so I always responded 'your daughter is doing good thanks and the boys are good aswell' or something along those lines. It made me feel better to just ignore him and respond as if he asked about me aswell

[kmc1111]

I expect most DIL's aren't actually particularly interested or invested in their MIL's lives, but if one posted here saying 'I don't bother to ask after my MIL or interact with her normally, because it's not like she's proper family' they'd get flamed.

Of course this MIL is more interested in her grandchild than the OP. That doesn't mean she can throw basic manners and normal social interaction out the window. It's incredibly rude and disrespectful.

[Itsonkyme]

You are being oversensitive! She's texting asking how the baby is. I find that normal. She obviously is besotted with the baby while she is in its company so I wouldn't expect any deep conversation with her.
Who cares!!!
Leave her cooing over him and go on social media or something.

[tooheavyforsuperman]

I had this with my in-laws. It was less about them doing something wrong and more about me needing support and feeling invisible. I tried jokingly saying something once and mil replied really earnestly, "Of course you matter too, without you there'd be no DS1" which didn't make me feel much better.

I think if I'd found away to say I was feeling like I didn't matter without putting the blame on them they would have been kind about it. It's so difficult to admit you need a little bit of looking after or attention when you have DC.

Maybe try telling MIL how you feel and see how it goes. I don't mean put your feelings on her, more something like, I really miss having a cup of tea and a grown up chat. Fancy coming before baby is awake from nap for a catch up. I don't know what your relationship is like but you get the gist.

I would ignore the texts if they bother you. Just answer when you want and they'll get used to it. I wonder if her texts are a way of keeping in touch with you if she knows you're home alone.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Why shouldn't people send flowers to the baby?

Well, how about because the mother did all the hard work of delivering said baby? And how much appreciation is a newborn going to have for a bunch of carnations? Pack of nappies for baby, flowers for the mum...much better.