MIL only interested in LO..

[LouMary5678]

I've just had a DD, who is now 4 months. MIL will text me every morning to ask for updates on baby. All texts seem to go this way, "how is she?" "How is the baby?" "Did LO sleep well?" Etc etc. There has never been a message asking me how I am or what I've been up to etc. All our conversations centre around DD. Before she was born, we had a great relationship and got on very well but it all feels a bit strange at the moment as I'm taking it slightly offensively to the fact she doesn't show any interest in me whatsoever. Even when she comes to visit, I will be talking to her about something not baby related and she will interrupt and talk over me to the baby, cooing at him which I find terribly rude. This will happen the whole time she's here. I really want to say something but I think I may be being a bit sensitive about this hence why I am asking for other opinions. TIA!

[Ttbb]

But it's a baby! Of course she's a thousand times more interesting than you.

[MadMags]

Green, my post wasn’t aimed at you, it was just a general thought.

I’m not saying they should be blatantly rude! Of course not. They’re still coming into your home, they’re still your in-laws.

But there are always loads of posts taking about close, loving relationships that change when something like a birth or a divorce happens and the poster seems shocked/hurt that they don’t care anymore.

It just wouldn’t surprise me, I think. Because it’s understandable.

[Krapom]

I think you’re overreacting. And if you take some of these suggestions on (the petty, passive-aggressive “I’m fine thanks..” idea. Say that in the petulant voice of a 13 year old and you’ll hear how that will really come across and who it will really reflect badly one) you’re poor MIL will spend the rest of her life scared and tiptoeing around you because she’s scared how you’ll react. You have a new baby - it’s normal to fall in love and fixate on them.

[Josuk]

OP - it’s a great thing your LO has a grandma who is so into him/her.... And lives nearby.
Be happy, really!
So many people aren’t this lucky.

You sound a little down. And that’s understandable. Your baby is tiny.
Reach out to people that are YOUR friends, and family. Talk to them.
They would give you the emotional support you are seeking.

Your MIL is focused on her new tiny family member, related to her by blood. You are her in-law family. It’s different.

[dointhedo]

No advice but I’m 2.5 years into this with MIL and DS but it’s calmed over time and is very handy to have a keen, kind and indulgent babysitter on hand. FIL calms it down when it gets too much, and I gradually handed the texting over to DH (getting him to reply on his phone to questions sent to me, now they go directly to him and he keeps it at a manageable level). Surprised MIL didn’t put posters up when we told her we were expecting as she had given up all hope so we’re happy to indulge her within boundaries and my family are rather more sedate so it’s a welcome fuss sometimes.

[Maelstrop]

She texts every morning?! I’d ask her to sto0 that shit straight ff, it’s over the top and yes, the ‘I’m fine, thanks’ is fab.

[beesandknees]

I can completely understand why OP is upset.

I remember when I split from my ex and really needed to talk to my mother/ cry etc., but if DC weren't with me, my DM would simply say "Oh dear I guess we'll just leave the Skype call for next week then!" and ring off leaving me alone in a house trying to get used to not having my DC with me 24/7 She'd also blank me if I were having a bad day while with the DC, and just talk over me asking them questions etc.

It's how some folk are. Most folk are dreadful, really.

I just think that the right solution is to adjust expectations, vs. trying to cajole MIL into feigning interest that she simply doesn't have.

[samebasicsize]

Mine is the same.
I asked her not to turn up announced to see the (7 week old baby) as she did it twice in a week and now she's sulking.

[samebasicsize]

Don't reply to her texts.

[GummyGoddess]

@MadMags

Why is it understandable that a good relationship turns to crap because you've had their grandchild?

The same appears to have happened to me and it's incredibly hurtful and makes me think they never cared in the first place if they can just suddenly spend their entire conversation criticising me and no longer have anything nice to say to me. I'm also pretty ignored unless DH is around. The result is I don't want to be around them at all and therefore don't invite them over to see my DC when I'm available because it's so upsetting and uncomfortable.

Please could you explain why this is normal? I cannot imagine ever treating a future DIL like this, it would feel like I used her to get a grandchild and now she is no longer useful I don't have to be nice anymore.

And if there is a good reason, surely DM relationship with my DH should have taken a hit too if it's just that GC are way more interesting than whichever parent you aren't related to? Their relationship hasn't changed at all, DH doesn't get criticised or ignored when my DM visits, why should I put up with it from his parents?

I'm not getting at you, I would like to understand the reasoning for this, it might help overcome some of the hurt I feel and help rebuild the relationship.

[SandyY2K]

Hmmmm. I'd take to not replying and blocking hee number every now and then..just say the your phone is a bit temperamental...but DH will let her know if there are any major updates.

[Rainbowblume24]

My mum is the same. She says 'how's my baby?' Meaning my dd. I reply 'I'm great thanks mum!'
I don't care about dmil and dm cooing over child. Saves me having to chat too much.

[MadMags]

In my experience, it doesn’t happen with the mother of daughters, perhaps because generally that relationship remains close?

Perhaps because, and I’m massively generalising, unless there’s a reason not to, a woman will be close to her mum and her mum will be the person she wants around to care/nurture/ask questions of, whereas the mother of a son wouldn’t have that same relationship?

Obviously, that’s not always the case!

Regarding the relationship, I don’t think it’s understandable for someone to suddenly become rude or blatantly unkind. But do I find it surprising that she would care more about her actual relatives that someone her son happened to marry? No, I don’t.

I mean, it’s natural isn’t it? Provided there’s no history, surely you care a whole lot more about your own mother than your MIL? I just don’t get why it’s so hurtful. It’s perfectly natural. Of course she’s going to care more about her son and grandchild!

[Rainbowblume24]

It got better after the very small baby stage and when I ask how they are. They're usually polite enough to remember to ask back

[BackforGood]

Yes, you are being over sensitive. It's pretty normal when there is a new baby on the scene. If you really are offended or hurt by it, then tell her so, but it really isn't worth falling out over. Many grandparents are besotted by their grandchildren - it comes with the role.

[GummyGoddess]

Of course I expect them to love my DC more than me (I don't expect them to love me, just like or be civil to me), I didn't expect them to suddenly find fault with everything I do.

I'm not actually that close to my DM, and she sees my DC less because she lives much further away than PIL. I don't ask her questions or for help because I don't need to, so it isn't that. If my DM isn't unkind to my DH, why are PIL unkind to me?

Why the sudden rudeness and uncaring attitude towards me? I haven't done anything other than provide them with a GC. I don't understand what I did that made them all of a sudden treat me with such rudeness, literally from the day they met my DC I was met with this sudden attitude change.

Your answer doesn't help with why as soon as I gave birth I'm suddenly fair game for negative behaviour, you can adore your new GC without being unkind to their mother surely?

Lou did the behaviour creep up on you or was it also a sudden switch in attitude?

[MadMags]

I don’t know what to tell you. If my answers don’t help, then I’m sorry, but I did say I was giving a general opinion on people who are surprised when their in-laws cease contact on divorce, or care more about their own dc and gc.

If that doesn’t apply to your situation then there’s not really anything I can do about that!

Perhaps they only wanted you around as a brood mare. It’s more likely, IMO, that you’re just less to them than their blood relatives and perhaps they’re showing that more than they should, or even more than they realise.

FWIW, I don’t feel anything but fondness did my in-laws. But if they were to split with my brothers or sisters, then they wouldn’t be my family anymore. I wouldn’t ignore them in the street but they’re not as important to me as siblings, nieces, and nephews!

[GummyGoddess]

Sorry, didn't mean to push you, it just really gets to me and I'm pretty desperate for an explanation. Thank you for trying to help though.

[RB68]

My parents are like this and dd is 12 they just phone to speak to her or visit to spend time with her....I am sidelined

[RB68]

should say but not that bothered got used to it - lol

[wasMissD]

I’m going through the same thing with my MIL and 4MO. Though luckily I don’t get daily texts.
I also get the “helpful tips” such as “I hope one of you sits in the back of the car with him in case he’s sick”
I used to love spending time with her but I feel like she’s getting too involved. My mum is so chilled out. Even my husband (mummy’s boy) snapped at her.
If you find a solution, let me know 😂

[SpareChangeDownTheSofa]

Try what I do when people pick their phones up in the middle of a conversation. Stop talking and when they ask you to continue say "Oh, are you finished now?"

A little sarcastic but it seems to work. I also love the "I'm fine thanks" idea.

[merville]

People may feel more of a bond with their blood relatives than in laws but that is absolutely no excuse for lack of manners, decency, kindness, consideration etc.

My sil sent me a separate little gift with the baby gifts, then when she visited specifically brought flowers for me , gave me lots if advice & reassurance abt being a new parent and left offering help if things got too much even though she lives several hrs away and had a toddler. She actually goes out of her way to make me feel important and part of her family .. People who don't, we can make all the excuses if the day but they're actually just shit.

[Frillyhorseyknickers]

Meh, it could have gone one of two ways. I had a great relationship with my MiL before I became pregnant, I think the nine months no social drinking wine was very boring from her POV. Once he arrived she genuinely could not give less fucks if she tried. It's utterly heartbreaking, especially for my DH. I know which I'd rather have.

[BertrandRussell]

When you have a child everyone in the family shifts one step back. I stopped being the youngest, much petted girl in my family (even though I was 37!) and became the mother of the youngest, much petted girl in my family. The generational tectonic plates shift and that's how it should be. Sometimes they take a little time to settle, that's all.it's mportant to remember that things have changed for everyone, And tiny babies are designed to get all the attention. The wouldn't survive otherwise.

Incidentally, my own mother sent flowers to my dd when she was a newborn. I thought it was lovely. Why would I feel slighted by that?