How do you know when you've met the right person?

[Lexia123]

Just that really. After several failed relationships I'm more confused than ever! What makes a relationship go the distance and not just fizzle out when you're not on the same page?

Starting to believe I'll ever meet somebody to be with long term! I find it really hard to trust that anybody would want to commit long term, so it's hard to be optimistic I think.

[Warhammerwidow89]

For me I love my partner, but not in the way 'love' is supposed to feel. I don't make stupid choices. I am able to think with my head. There's not much passion. But we get along and we laugh.

He's safe. He may not make me giddy but I know he's dependable and loyal.

[peachgreen]

I just knew. Immediately. Which sounds ridiculous, and if someone had said that to me even twenty minutes before I met him, I would have scoffed at how nonsensical the concept was. But he smiled down at me, something physically clicked in my chest and I knew he was the one for me.

On a more practical level, I never felt a moment’s nervousness with him. I was comfortable and completely and utterly myself at all times with him. I never doubted his feelings for me, either - I had previously been really unconfident about my looks and had even stayed in an abusive relationship for 10 years because I assumed nobody else could ever find me attractive, let alone love me, but I knew immediately that DH would love me, and that how I looked didn’t even come into it - no matter what I looked like he would have found me attractive, if you see what I mean. I felt like my whole life had happened the way it did because it led me to that moment, meeting DH. And then over time it became apparent that our lives just clicked together perfectly, as did our personalities.

Before DH I would have said that relationships were a choice, and involved hard work and compromise and sacrifice. But none of that is true with DH. I put a lot of effort into our marriage in terms of being thoughtful and proactive, and we actively work on any issues we encounter, but it’s not hard work because we enjoy it so much. There’s no compromise or sacrifice. It’s just the best, most essential and enjoyable thing about my life.

It wasn’t ‘love at first sight’ in that you can’t be in love with someone you don’t know. But the instant I saw him I knew I WOULD fall in love with him. I would have married him after that first date, without any doubt or hesitation. He is my home.

[peachgreen]

@RandallFloyd makes a really great point too.

[madmother1]

Having been married for 23 years it took me 5 years to start dating again. I met my now DP and fell madly in love. I had all the butterflies and losing weight and acting like a silly teenager. A year one and things have settled as you can't live like that forever. It's turned into a very deep caring relstionship. I love the pants off him and luckily he feels the same way. He is a male version of me. He snogs me, spoons me and we have passionate sex. Can you tell I'm in love!! I'm 54

[TurnipCake]

I'd known my OH as an acquaintance for a long time. We were at a party, talked to one another for hours without realising, I went home with him and we slept in the same bed. Woke up and just knew I was 'home' and that I was going to marry him

Still had butterflies but it wasn't the stomach-flipping 'falling in love' process I has known before. It was just easy: no second-guessing, no drama, we trusted one another from the word go. It was never, "Will he call?" It was, "What will we do together next time?"

Recently married

[Lexia123]

These are so great to read! You've cheered me up today! I'm in the rubbish dating phase of a few dates and then ghosting(not me), or not really clicking with people and trying to see if there could be anything by persevering.... I've experienced some of the things you've all mentioned, and it's really comforting. But I haven't ever managed to not feel terrified when the big issues are discussed, i.e. the future. That's usually where it all goes wrong!

[Dieu]

Lexia are you actually me? I could have written your post and totally relate. Especially the bit about persevering, just to absolutely rule out the possibility of there being anything there!

[FellOutOfBed2wice]

I felt like he was my family, like the missing member I hadn’t yet met.

[PNGirl]

We met at uni. The first time we had a proper conversation we talked and talked for about 5 hours and it was like talking to another version of myself, a best friend that I had had for years. I went "home" to see my then boyfriend that weekend and he left me absolutely cold. I broke up with him and came back to uni and knocked on DH's door. That was in 2004!

[Tilapia]

Personally I don’t believe in The One. I met DH when I was 22 and we started going out 8 months later. Things started slowly between us (I don’t think I ever really had the stomach flipping moment) but things were good between us and there was just never a reason to end it! We’ve been together 20 years now, still happy

[Yesyesyesyeswhatever]

That strange and rare combination (to me, at least!) of feeling relaxed, respected and loved, as well as fancying someone and wanting to shag them senseless.

[mushmallow]

It's knowing he adores me first thing in the morning with bedhead, no makeup and morning breath as much as he did on our wedding day.

It's him being the first person I ring if ever I've got news, good or bad.

It's peace. It's calm. It's safe.

[peachgreen]

It’s interesting to me that so many people are saying that they didn’t have the same ‘butterflies’ or even lusty feeling as they had done in earlier relationships. I had the same experience - I was very attracted to DH and still am - he’s the most handsome man I’ve ever met, he’s 100% my physical type, and the sex has always been by far the best of my life - but I didn’t get that ‘omg I must have you NOW’ feeling in my loins. It was almost like it was beyond that, if that makes any sense? Like that didn’t matter, in some way.

In the same way, I didn’t worry if he did or didn’t fancy me, or if I was his ‘type’ - I just knew none of that was really relevant? Hard to explain, but it seems others on this thread have felt the same. And I never had any butterflies because I was never nervous around him! Like PPs said, I never worried if he would call or if I should text him first or whatever - it was just easy.

I still get excited when he’s on his way home though, or if I’m meeting him for lunch or whatever.

[May50]

It's good to read these ... I feel there might be hope yet for me (fast approaching 50!)

[Lexia123]

Dieu- how funny! Yup, I try to give it three dates if it's a bit lukewarm- I think that three dates is enough time to know if it's going to go anywhere!

[MiniTheMinx]

No I'd give it one date. 5 minutes in and I'd know if there was anything there. I've always been like this. I've never been single for more than three weeks and every second date has led to a long term relationship. I've got up and left a few minutes into a first date, and I've turned down many second dates because Ive known the person doesn't do it for me.

[Pannnn]

No he is compromised functioning alcohol dependent person right now. This is also likely to deteriorate when your child becomes more physically able and demanding and OH finds himself less able to keep up.

He is def running away from being a dad from the sound of it.

[Pannnn]

Wrong thread!

[TorchesTorches]

For me it took 3 dates, the first 3 dates were ok, but not that great, then he said something really funny and perceptive near the end of our 3rd date which made me laugh and reappraise him. I was ready to ditch up to that point! Then it really got started. After we had been together 6 weeks, i was at a funeral of a friend's dad, and i remember thinking that i would want him there with me, which is when i realised it was probably serious. We have been together 10 years, married with 2 kids. All good!

[hellsbellsmelons]

I don't think we can really know - ever.
I thought my ExH was the one I would spend the rest of my life with.
Nope, turned out to be a cheater.

I then thought I found another good one!?
6 years on, NOPE!!!
Porn addict, serial cheater, the list goes on.....

Sort of seeing someone now but I know he's NOT the one!
But just enjoying it for now with no pressure.

It'll happen when you least expect it.

[qumquat]

Interesting so many people saying a lack of butterflies etc. I wanted to be convinced by that and have spent 14 years trying to get myself to be satisfied with my 'homey' supportive relationship but I just can't repress the massive sadness hat I've never felt 'in love's. I wish so desperately that I could.

[cafeaulaitpourvous]

There are no ‘buts’

As in ‘he is really funny .....but’‘


I met my DH online

He was the only one who didn’t send me a dick pick or talk dirty via email

He had obviously read my profiles as he asked loads of questions

We spoke online and via the phone for a few months

I had already fallen in love with him (well his deep voice) before I clapped eyes on him

It was love at first sight for the both of us

He was 40 the week we met, I was 36

We have been together now for 14 yrs and married for 10

No buts

Just love

[Porgs]

I didn't 'just know' from the beginning. I got to know him over a period of time as friends. We became best friends. Then it started to really really hurt when he dated other women. Then we got together and I haven't really had a moment of doubt that I love him and want to spend my life with him. Its the never doubting that I love him, even when he gets on my nerves that sets this one apart from previous relationships. Also I feel stupidly upset when he's hurt (even something tiny like burning his mouth a bit on some coffee )

[beesandknees]

After several failed relationships I'm more confused than ever!

Is a relationship a "failure" simply because it ends? Surely what you mean is - I auditioned some chaps as partners, and so far they weren't quite right for me. No?

Always bear in mind that it takes 1-2 years at an absolute minimum to start to see the "real person". If you define relationships of under 2 years as "failures", you are doing yourself a disservice. They aren't failures. They represent two people investing some time to get to know each other and themselves a bit better.

Maybe this seems a silly observation to get stuck on, but the words you use betray how you feel about men and yourself. It's a subtle thing but in my experience, high quality partners don't want to be with someone who defines success as "we haven't broken up so far".

They define it as something closer to, "we have the same values, complementary goals, and we are both people in our own right who complement each other". And what's implied in that is that if those values and goals change, they know their partner has the strength of mind to recognize that, and end the relationship if that is what's best.

And they wouldn't see that as a failure - rather as a success. You helped each other along towards shared goals, and if things changed, you loved and respected each other enough to part with sadness but good wishes.

Starting to believe I'll ever meet somebody to be with long term!

Again if your only criterion is "be with someone who won't leave me until one of us dies", you're not going to attract amazing men of integrity etc. etc. You will attract someone who doesn't want to be alone. That kind of person has little to offer, generally tends to be a game player because they want to give as little as possible, because they are a fearful, unconfident kind of person...

My best advice to women who want to be with someone amazing is - become an amazing person yourself, expect nothing from others, practice gratitude in all things, and surround yourself with others who are the same.

[Happy2018]

beesandknees, you wrote such a good comment!! It all makes perfect sense! Thanks!