How do you know when you've met the right person?

[Lexia123]

Just that really. After several failed relationships I'm more confused than ever! What makes a relationship go the distance and not just fizzle out when you're not on the same page?

Starting to believe I'll ever meet somebody to be with long term! I find it really hard to trust that anybody would want to commit long term, so it's hard to be optimistic I think.

[Lexia123]

It's been really interesting reading all these stories. People always say that you don't really know someone properly until a couple of years down the road, but actually I don't think that's true. Actions most definitely speak louder than words, and I think that helps you to build up a picture of a person, romantically linked or otherwise.

I really like the feeling of coming home when you meet the right person.

[ToEarlyForDecorations]

This thread is interesting.

My husband and I admitted to each other that we didn't not fancy each other at first sight. There was no initial 'phwoar' factor for either of us. However it wasn't total disinterest either.

It was the way he talked to me on the first evening out to the pub on the back of a blind date I had arranged. I could tell by his voice that he wanted me to listen. That impressed me lots. Also his conversation wasn't the usual run of the mill stuff either. Helped by the fact that he's from overseas and was giving me a thumb nail sketch of life where he comes from.

My attitude to him was, 'tell me more' (about anything and everything) not 'yadda yadda whatever, heard it all before mate' which was my attitude to other boyfriends.

I had come out of a long term relationship that ended because we fell out of love. Followed by a couple of years of FWB.

He was/is fresh and new and just for me.

No baggage and we had our eyes on the future. (Woo hoo !) Been married 23 years.

[Pregosaurus]

I don’t agree with BeesandKnees either. It doesn’t take 1-2 years to get to know someone and meeting the right person is total luck - I think it’s unkind to say “do this and be this kind of person and then you’ll meet someone”.

You could be the most wonderful person and never meet someone, you could be a complete twat and meet a very kind person/ another twat and spend many years happily married. I know plenty in both categories!

[RaindropsAndSparkles]

I don't agree with BeesandKnees. In my experience it doesn't take one to two years to know what so.eone is really like. I agree that one doesn't know how someone will respond to life's bigger ups and downs: losing a parent, child, business, accident, etc, but I do think you get a handle on most people pretty quickly. The problem. Is that too often people try to talk themselves out of doubts and whilst familiarity can breed contempt it also becomes a habit and loneliness hurts in a society that seems to prefer couples.

[Lexia123]

Thank you BeesandKnees, your reply made me think about it in a different perspective. I can see what you mean, and I do beat myself up about things in general. But you've given me some food for thought and it's interesting to see it from another viewpoint.

[peachgreen]

@qumquat I’m not sure feeling ‘in love’ is the same as butterflies. I feel deeply in love with DH and am thrilled and excited whenever I’m around him - but it’s never been that nervous excitement I’ve experienced elsewhere.

I had a decade-long safe “homey” relationship before him and it made me very sad too - I’m sorry you’ve experienced that. I hope - if it’s what you want - you find something more, or experience that within your current relationship.

[HarryHarry]

We actually talked about getting married on our first date, it was just so obvious that we should and would. As other people have said, it just felt right, like home. And that was 13 years ago!

[Happy2018]

beesandknees, you wrote such a good comment!! It all makes perfect sense! Thanks!

[beesandknees]

After several failed relationships I'm more confused than ever!

Is a relationship a "failure" simply because it ends? Surely what you mean is - I auditioned some chaps as partners, and so far they weren't quite right for me. No?

Always bear in mind that it takes 1-2 years at an absolute minimum to start to see the "real person". If you define relationships of under 2 years as "failures", you are doing yourself a disservice. They aren't failures. They represent two people investing some time to get to know each other and themselves a bit better.

Maybe this seems a silly observation to get stuck on, but the words you use betray how you feel about men and yourself. It's a subtle thing but in my experience, high quality partners don't want to be with someone who defines success as "we haven't broken up so far".

They define it as something closer to, "we have the same values, complementary goals, and we are both people in our own right who complement each other". And what's implied in that is that if those values and goals change, they know their partner has the strength of mind to recognize that, and end the relationship if that is what's best.

And they wouldn't see that as a failure - rather as a success. You helped each other along towards shared goals, and if things changed, you loved and respected each other enough to part with sadness but good wishes.

Starting to believe I'll ever meet somebody to be with long term!

Again if your only criterion is "be with someone who won't leave me until one of us dies", you're not going to attract amazing men of integrity etc. etc. You will attract someone who doesn't want to be alone. That kind of person has little to offer, generally tends to be a game player because they want to give as little as possible, because they are a fearful, unconfident kind of person...

My best advice to women who want to be with someone amazing is - become an amazing person yourself, expect nothing from others, practice gratitude in all things, and surround yourself with others who are the same.

[Porgs]

I didn't 'just know' from the beginning. I got to know him over a period of time as friends. We became best friends. Then it started to really really hurt when he dated other women. Then we got together and I haven't really had a moment of doubt that I love him and want to spend my life with him. Its the never doubting that I love him, even when he gets on my nerves that sets this one apart from previous relationships. Also I feel stupidly upset when he's hurt (even something tiny like burning his mouth a bit on some coffee )

[cafeaulaitpourvous]

There are no ‘buts’

As in ‘he is really funny .....but’‘


I met my DH online

He was the only one who didn’t send me a dick pick or talk dirty via email

He had obviously read my profiles as he asked loads of questions

We spoke online and via the phone for a few months

I had already fallen in love with him (well his deep voice) before I clapped eyes on him

It was love at first sight for the both of us

He was 40 the week we met, I was 36

We have been together now for 14 yrs and married for 10

No buts

Just love

[qumquat]

Interesting so many people saying a lack of butterflies etc. I wanted to be convinced by that and have spent 14 years trying to get myself to be satisfied with my 'homey' supportive relationship but I just can't repress the massive sadness hat I've never felt 'in love's. I wish so desperately that I could.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I don't think we can really know - ever.
I thought my ExH was the one I would spend the rest of my life with.
Nope, turned out to be a cheater.

I then thought I found another good one!?
6 years on, NOPE!!!
Porn addict, serial cheater, the list goes on.....

Sort of seeing someone now but I know he's NOT the one!
But just enjoying it for now with no pressure.

It'll happen when you least expect it.

[TorchesTorches]

For me it took 3 dates, the first 3 dates were ok, but not that great, then he said something really funny and perceptive near the end of our 3rd date which made me laugh and reappraise him. I was ready to ditch up to that point! Then it really got started. After we had been together 6 weeks, i was at a funeral of a friend's dad, and i remember thinking that i would want him there with me, which is when i realised it was probably serious. We have been together 10 years, married with 2 kids. All good!

[Pannnn]

Wrong thread!

[Pannnn]

No he is compromised functioning alcohol dependent person right now. This is also likely to deteriorate when your child becomes more physically able and demanding and OH finds himself less able to keep up.

He is def running away from being a dad from the sound of it.

[MiniTheMinx]

No I'd give it one date. 5 minutes in and I'd know if there was anything there. I've always been like this. I've never been single for more than three weeks and every second date has led to a long term relationship. I've got up and left a few minutes into a first date, and I've turned down many second dates because Ive known the person doesn't do it for me.

[Lexia123]

Dieu- how funny! Yup, I try to give it three dates if it's a bit lukewarm- I think that three dates is enough time to know if it's going to go anywhere!

[May50]

It's good to read these ... I feel there might be hope yet for me (fast approaching 50!)

[peachgreen]

It’s interesting to me that so many people are saying that they didn’t have the same ‘butterflies’ or even lusty feeling as they had done in earlier relationships. I had the same experience - I was very attracted to DH and still am - he’s the most handsome man I’ve ever met, he’s 100% my physical type, and the sex has always been by far the best of my life - but I didn’t get that ‘omg I must have you NOW’ feeling in my loins. It was almost like it was beyond that, if that makes any sense? Like that didn’t matter, in some way.

In the same way, I didn’t worry if he did or didn’t fancy me, or if I was his ‘type’ - I just knew none of that was really relevant? Hard to explain, but it seems others on this thread have felt the same. And I never had any butterflies because I was never nervous around him! Like PPs said, I never worried if he would call or if I should text him first or whatever - it was just easy.

I still get excited when he’s on his way home though, or if I’m meeting him for lunch or whatever.

[mushmallow]

It's knowing he adores me first thing in the morning with bedhead, no makeup and morning breath as much as he did on our wedding day.

It's him being the first person I ring if ever I've got news, good or bad.

It's peace. It's calm. It's safe.

[Yesyesyesyeswhatever]

That strange and rare combination (to me, at least!) of feeling relaxed, respected and loved, as well as fancying someone and wanting to shag them senseless.

[Tilapia]

Personally I don’t believe in The One. I met DH when I was 22 and we started going out 8 months later. Things started slowly between us (I don’t think I ever really had the stomach flipping moment) but things were good between us and there was just never a reason to end it! We’ve been together 20 years now, still happy

[PNGirl]

We met at uni. The first time we had a proper conversation we talked and talked for about 5 hours and it was like talking to another version of myself, a best friend that I had had for years. I went "home" to see my then boyfriend that weekend and he left me absolutely cold. I broke up with him and came back to uni and knocked on DH's door. That was in 2004!

[FellOutOfBed2wice]

I felt like he was my family, like the missing member I hadn’t yet met.